Ruminations
I always have bad luck on weeknights. 'Just one beer' turns into 12 beers and 4 shots and pretty soon I'm sitting in a meeting wondering if last call has already passed.
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My boss just got a telescope for his kid. The first thing I asked was, "Do you have any hot neighbors?" My spot in hell is secure.
I love it when you're sick and suddenly everyone turns into Dr. Obvious. "You should take medicine! And make sure to rest and drink plenty of fluids!" Yeah, this isn't the first time I've been sick. I think I can handle it, thanks.
I budget everything in terms of beer now. $40 for these jeans? I could get 2 1/2 cases of beer for that, better go with the cheaper ones. $8 for a burger? That's like 4 beers at the bar. No thanks, I'll go hungry.
If I have to weed through a stream of bullshit to understand what you're talking about, then expect a bullshit response.
You like your boyfriend, great. But your constant online declarations that he's the 'greatest boyfriend ever' are making me really wish that he cheats on you.
I fear that I may be too old to be considered as cougar prey.
I just went through the contact list on my cell phone today and there are ELEVEN Mike's in there. Lazy parents of America, it's time to think of a different name.
I have nothing against the south, but whenever I hear someone say y'all, I'm more and more thankful that I didn't grow up there.
My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing's happened. I'm starting to think that my car is just an attention whore.
Why didn't anybody warn me that being in your late 20's means an endless number of weddings? I feel like there should have been a class in school called "Losing Your Friends to Marriage 101."
The excitement and joy that a woman feels when she's asked the marriage question is probably the exact same excitement and joy that a man feels when he's asked the threesome question.
Getting drunk will make ugly people look good, sure. But it's nothing compared to how it will make shitty music sound good. Is that Jimmy Buffet!? Crank that shit up!
This weekend I overheard a couple at Target in a heated argument over what brand of toilet paper to get. She ended up getting what she wanted but he told her she has to ration it. Yeah... marriage sounds fucking wonderful.
Going to church on Sundays doesn't exonerate you from being a cum dumpster every other day of the week. You minus whale just sleep in, Mother Theresa.
Oh, you have 9 cats. And you regularly watch Fox News. Can I un-buy that drink for you?
When you meet someone from the internet for the first time, it can be awkward at first. But a good ice breaker is to come up with the story of how you met that you're both going to tell other people so you don't look like a complete loser.
If a chick is going into my bedroom unexpectedly, I really hope I have the fuck palace setup and not the masturbation station.
When someone tells me I look like somebody else, I just take that as a compliment to the other person. "Oh, that's very nice of you to say about him!"
Do people that eat plain oatmeal realize that the only difference between their breakfast and a horse's breakfast is a little bit of hot water?
I've dated so many psychotic girls that I've actually learned the bedroom habits of different types of crazy. Depressed - decent sex, once a month. Anxiety - high sex drive, but she'll never orgasm. Eating disorder - lights off and no swallowing.
I've found that a great way to get some exercise for my dog without having to do any myself is to just go ring the doorbell every once and a while.
Millions of Americans are uninsured and unemployed, the middle east is a total clusterfuck, and Haiti is still in turmoil. But yes, princess. The saddest news today is the fact that you don't have a valentine.
There is a time and a place to bring up your World of Warcraft character. A job interview is not one of them.
When a woman with an awesome rack gets a breast reduction, I feel like there needs to be a funeral for them afterwards. Rest in peace, boobs. You will be dearly missed.
One of the greatest joys of having little sisters was grossing them out at every opportunity. I like to think I was preparing them for a lifetime of dealing with men.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the word "touche" is only one letter off from the word "douche."
I feel like the combination of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Back to the Future 3 have taught me everything I need to know about the old west.
I read an article saying that price of printer ink has now exceeded the price of human blood. This leads me to ask, why the fuck does human blood cost so much!?
Ladies, don't bother asking a guy what his sexual fantasies are if you're going to end it with, "besides a threesome."
I think I might have to root for the Saints in the Superbowl simply for the fact that it's so close to Mardi Gras. Can you imagine the boobage that will be on display if they whip out the Lombardi trophy at the parade!?
It would be fun to sleep with a French girl just to see if she says, "Oui! Oui! Oh oui!! NON!! NON DERRIERE!!!"
"I'm a little bit country. I'm a little bit rock and roll!" - Actually, I doubt either genre wants to be associated with an Osmond.
Hey, I just learned how to type in French! Oh, wait... never mind... my hands aren't in the home row position.
Clitoral Karma: Keeping your vag clean so the guy that goes down on you isn't afraid to do it again to the next one. Pay it forward, ladies.
Of all the things I've done to try and impress a girl, nothing has paid off better for me than being able to cook. Like I always say; if you can feed her, you can fuck her.
I feel bad for people that make good money. Sure, they don't have to choose between paying rent or going to the doctor, but they won't ever feel the pure ecstasy that I do when I get that $120 tax return.
The worst part about Minnesota winters is that the frigid cold really doesn't lend itself well to nudity.
As much as breaking up sucks, it will never outweigh the sheer awesomeness of being single.
"My boobs are too small for titty fucking" sounds more like a challenge to me than a fact.
As cool as it would be to have some zany act named after me, realistically it'd probably just be embarrassing. "Yeah I got sloshed last night, sent flirty texts to 10 different girls, and then pissed on myself. Looks like I pulled a Dustin."
The closest I've ever gotten to a threesome is having my dog in the room.
I find it really ironic when people who only ever listen to country tell me that I'm close minded for not giving their music a chance.
A few drinks helps to build up the confidence to hit on the hot chick at the bar, but I usually end up drinking so much that I cock block myself by throwing up on her shoes.
More often than not, I find myself very content with the fact that I have no idea what the kids are talking about these days.
You know you're in a sad place when masturbation takes priority over all other daily responsibilities.
The nice thing about texting is that you can wait until you're free to respond to one. This is also why I'm going to think you're an asshole when you whip out your phone in the middle of our conversation.
I think a cock ring might be a better symbol of marriage than a wedding band because let's face it, that's what she REALLY owns now.
I can make all your dreams come true, baby. Oh? Your dreams don't revolve around copious amounts of drinking and sex? Well... never mind then...
Cruel irony is getting an offer for road head, when you really have to pee.
No, I really don't want to go shopping with yo... wait, did you say Victoria's Secret? I'll go start the car.
Nothing will make my day shittier than preparing for bad roads and leaving early for work, only to find out that the roads are fine. Now I'm at work 20 minutes early. 20 minutes I could have spent in bed. Fuck you, weather report.
It would be fun to go back 15 years in time and tell people, "I'm gonna Google that!" Just to see how big of a pervert I would look like.
Someone told me today that having Pop Rocks in your mouth is supposed to enhance oral sex. Yeah and I suppose a cigarette lighter will enhance your Ferrari. It's a fucking blowjob, quit complaining!
I keep hearing that there are a lot of fish in the sea, but there seems to be a disturbing shortage of blowfish out there.
Porno's are like cookies. They're always better when they're homemade.
I broke my wrist over the weekend and so far the number one question from my friends has been, "Did you get any good drugs?" It's nice to know where their priorities are.
It doesn't matter how shitty of a day I'm having, as soon as I get a dirty text, it's instantly the best day ever.
Whenever I see those commercials that say, "You can feed a child for the price of a cup of coffee each day" I just think, "Shit, I can afford to drink more coffee!"
I thought about watching 'Cougar Town' last night, but I decided I'd rather enjoy my evening.
I always think it's funny how when you meet a new dating interest, you get really excited about anything you have in common. But when you find a glaring difference, you just completely ignore it.
Whenever I'm late for work, I feel like I can wipe my hands clean of any wrongdoing if someone else comes in later than me.
A friend of mine has a remote control that costs more than his TV does. Is this the geek equivalent to having rims that cost more than your car?
I heard today that nut prices are falling due to slow sales. Alas, another victim of the pecan-omy.
Ladies, "I enjoy long walks on the beach" isn't the line you should be looking for from a man. I think you'd be much happier with the guy that says, "I enjoy munching on vag until my tongue is sore."
I'm not an alcoholic, I can quit anytime I want to. Which just happens to be when the bartender wants to cut me off.
I'm glad I wasn't on the Titantic. That would suck to have to share all of the post-death attention with 1,500 other people.
We had a customer at work today try to argue for a discount because of the bad economy. Yeah, genius because clearly the best way to fix the economy is to make less money.
On the Chinese calender, 2010 is the year of the tiger. I guess that means we're all fucked.
Today I found myself playing barking sounds on my computer for over an hour just to see my dogs reaction. You have to enjoy the little things in life.
I just found out that my sister still uses AOL as a search engine. I've never been more embarrassed by my family.
There aren't too many things more awesome than a friend remembering that they owe you money, after you totally forgot about it. That is until you start wondering who else you forgot owes you money.
Creepy ugly dudes are some of the best wingmen. "That freak asked you to go back to his apartment and dress like up like Minnie Mouse?? Why don't I buy you a drink and you can tell me all about it."
Unwrapping a gift and then saying, "Hey, it's a box!" Never has been and never will be funny. Stop it.
I’ve always thought it was strange that people make new year’s resolutions that are really hard to keep. Why put unneeded stress on yourself all year? My resolution last year was to not get rich. I think next year I’ll resolve to not lose weight.
They always say that the hottest person in the bar never gets hit on because people are intimidated to talk to them. I'm just going to assume that this is why I never get hit on.
I got called a pervert today. Sorry, but you must not know me very well if you think I’m going to take that as an insult, officer.
My sister just had a baby over the weekend and it made me realize 2 things. 1) I can be cheap and get him combination Christmas/birthday gifts. And 2) I'm really glad I wasn't born close enough to Christmas that my family could pull this move on me.
If there's one thing to appreciate about winter, it's that weight gain is perfectly accepted and tolerated. Third helping? Abso-fucking-lutely!
If old people don't get confused, offended or scared by your music, then there's a pretty good chance that it sucks.
I REALLY wish someone would have cock-blocked Glenn Beck's dad.
Hey, guy that thinks he's an expert on everything. Thanks for butting into my conversation to bless us with your "knowledge." You're obviously not an expert on basic human perception though, or you'd be able to figure out that everybody hates you.
I have come to realize that my cell phone is like a shining little star in an otherwise gloomy world. I also have never said this about a person before. I might have a problem.
Hearing old church ladies whine about the 'true meaning' of Christmas being lost makes my little heathen heart smile.
Sooner or later, someone is going to have to go on the show, “Intervention” because of a debilitating addiction to energy drinks. And let’s face it, that will be fucking hilarious.
I just heard two co-workers giving each other a hard time over who does the most amount of work in a day. Yeah, I do half the work that you guys do and still get paid the same. Pretty sure that makes me the winner.
If I ever saw a candle wielding choir dressed in robes singing songs in front of my house, my first move is to load my gun.
I feel like I'm in a Nascar pit crew when the boss comes around and I have 3 seconds to look busy. Facebook, closed! ESPN, closed! Excel, maximize! Look like you're reading a work email, check! I'm a terrible employee...
I don't really get excited about Christmas until I get to gorge myself on cookies for the first time. Then I'm the most festive fucker ever. I might even run around and yell 'Merry Christmas' to everyone like I just discovered the true meaning of it.
A co-worker was trying to argue that video games are more entertaining than sports because they're 'interactive.' Right or wrong, I can say one thing that you won't be interacting with. A vagina.
Pale skin, un-sexy clothes, weight gain, hairy legs, shrunken wangs... I'm starting to think that winter is Mother Nature's cock-block on humanity.
Wearing a condom in a porno seems like it would make sense. But doesn't it defeat the purpose if you whip it off for the moneyshot?
I like my ladies like my cocoa. Hot, sweet and no pubes.
Tired because you didn't get enough sleep last night? There's a nap for that.
I love that Twix comes in sets of two. Except when I finish the second one, then I really wish they came in sets of three.
It's not because I'm lazy that I never sweep. It's just ever since seeing Fantasia, I don't feel like I can ever trust brooms. I know you're plotting to kill me, broom. I'm onto you...
I just realized that I have more pictures with my bartenders than I do with my family. My family needs to visit me at the bar more often.
I like to drive with the music loud enough so that I can't hear the problems my car is having.
My favorite part about winter is all the sexual innuendo during weather forecasts. "We're going to get pounded hard tonight by eight inches. Expect it to last all night and be prepared for a whiteout in the morning." Giggity...
I'm absolutely petrified that one day I'm going to get sloppy drunk and end up on an episode of COPS. I would never be able to live that shit down.
Staples wouldn't need to fuck around with selling office supplies if they had an easy button that worked on women.
Eight hours of drunk sleep is equivalent to three hours of normal sleep.
I'm no doctor, but I tend to feel like a shower cures pretty much everything.
You know you had a good night when you wake up with a sore drinking arm.
I state obvious facts and try to pass it off as witty.
If you're obsessed with reality TV then there's no way I'm going to believe that you're intelligent enough to be talking to me. Now go play with your reflection in the mirror, champ.
Alright, cable company, are you trying to test the emergency broadcast system or my patience?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
What am I most excited for the new year to bring? A fresh new set of sick days.
I get annoyed by straight girls that try and brag about how they're into messing around with other girls. Are you inviting me into a threesome with your hot friend? No? Then kindly shut the fuck up.
There's no way for a man to drink a cocktail through a stir straw without looking like a giant pussy.
Nothing makes me feel like a bigger loser than listening to the shitty music I used to love when I was a kid.
I'm pretty sure that if I was girl, I would flash my boobs at every conceivable opportunity to get something free in return. After telling my mom this, she told me how thankful she is that I was a boy.
I came to the painful realization today that we all can't be MacGyver when I tried to crack a nut with a pair of scissors.
So I went to a bar last night with a chick and she wrote me a really dirty haiku on a bar napkin. This might be the one, folks.
Whenever I’m in a situation where a girl is going to see me with my pants off, it’s inevitable that I’ll be wearing the dingiest, most worn out pair of underwear I own. Don’t mind the shitty gift wrap, baby, I promise the present is fantastic...
Whenever I'm at a wedding I always have a small fear in the back of my head that somebody is going to get left at the alter. "Shit, the bride bolted? Quick, get me a piece of cake and it's still an open bar, right?"
There's a polite and quiet way to close cupboard doors so the entire house doesn't have to hear it. My roommates haven't learned this yet.
Does anyone else eat food when they get too hungry?
Rock bottom can be defined as the 'Casual Encounters' section of Craigslist.
It seems like my stove is used much more often as a storage space than a cooking surface.
I like to sleep with my hand on my balls just to make sure my guys make it through the night safe and sound.
If I was a turkey, I'd be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.
I wonder how many pant cuffs I need to rip to shreds before I figure out what length I'm actually supposed to be wearing.
Nothing says lazy like driving around for 10 minutes to find a parking spot that will save you 50 feet of walking.
I like to think that the pilgrims knew exactly what they were doing when they decided to have Thanksgiving on a Thursday, because really, what's there to be more thankful for than a four day weekend?
I want to learn a foreign language just to try out their alphabet during oral sex. I bet umlauts and accent marks would really get the juices flowing down there.
I think the woman of my dreams will be the one that thinks I'm really sexy when I'm really drunk.
Be on high alert when somebody wants you to smell something. Chances are, it's a trap.
I have a hard time understanding why some guys devote so much of their lives to video games when there are so many other fun activities to try. Like getting laid.
Women are like credit cards. The ones I really want have a low interest and won't qualify me, so I get stuck with one that has a high interest, extra fees and no rewards.
I feel guilty enough eating a big piece of cake, but being too lazy to find silverware and eating it with my hands? So long, dignity...
Knowing a secret about someone is even better when they don't know that you know.
Has anyone else ever pretended to be an asshole to try and get someone to lose interest you?
Auto complete has made me so lazy that I actually get frustrated by having to type my entire email address.
After seeing Full Metal Jacket for the first time, I kind of wanted to join the marines just to hear the hilarious insults the drill sergeant could come up with.
If you do that stupid little sigh after laughing, then I'll be making it a point to never say or do anything funny around you.
Tearing my face up while shaving is a small price to pay in order to avoid the high price to pay for new blades.
If God didn't want us to be naked, he wouldn't have made it so sexy.
It's so annoying when someone is trying to quote a movie but they get it way wrong. Don't get offended when I correct you, you're the one that fucked it up.
Having a song stuck in your head is a lot more bearable if you can get it stuck in someone elses head too.
Instead of asking his friends and countrymen to lend him their ears, Marc Antony should have had them lend him a knife. I bet Brutus would have never seen that coming.
I always try to to make the frosting pattern on my Toaster Strudel look the way they do it in the commercial, but I can never get it right.
If I put the same time and effort into being productive that I put into being unproductive, I'd have a Nobel Prize right now.
It is a rare occurrence that my clean laundry ever makes it from the basket to my dresser.
I have a hard time believing that any household cleaner that isn't lemon scented is really getting the job done.
I'm confused why overprotective parents go after athletes and celebrities for being bad role models, yet they've completely ignored the 'Blue Collar Comedy' tour.
I got Chipotle for dinner tonight, fully intending for it to last me two meals. I guess I'm just too efficient for leftovers.
The other day I came home and caught my roommate drinking my beer. He apologized and promptly replaced it, so no big deal right? Today I came home to find him drinking THAT beer and wearing my shoes. I'm a little scared to see how far this goes.
Every time I see myself on video, I become more convinced that I should have been a movie star.
It's always a humbling experience when I'm expecting to have a girl over to my house, but first I have to run around and destroy any evidence that masturbation has ever taken place there.
Some people can just walk in the room and give you too much information without saying a word. "Yeah, he definitely got laid last night. I don't care if you didn't actually tell me that. I still hate you."
I was in a chat room the other day and I got a private message from someone that said 'a/s/l?' My response was, 'Tell Chris Hansen I said hi!'
I always laugh when female bartenders call a dude 'honey' and they fall for it and leave a huge tip. She called me 'sweetie' she obviously wants me, not you. Dumbass.
What's the point of learning how to calculate the volume of a cylinder? Anything that comes in can will tell you right on the label how much is inside of it.
I feel so much better about my life when I run into someone I haven't seen since high school, and find out they haven't done jack shit either.
If you only refer to your significant other as "my boyfriend" or "my girlfriend" then don't be surprised when I don't remember their name next time I see them in person.
Sometimes I avoid responding to an awkward text by pretending I fell asleep.
You're not going to fool me, banner ad with a game in it. Not this time.
"I don't want to have sex without love" is like saying "I don't want a Ferrari without cup holders."
For as long as I live, I will never answer a phone call from a 1-800 number.
If your beverage product contains neither caffeine or alcohol, then you're really wasting your time trying to market it to me.
Pardon me ma'am, but I couldn't help but notice you're wearing bright blue eyeliner... How much for a handjob?
Whoever said that the fastest way to a man's heart is through the stomach, needs to watch Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It's much faster to go straight through the ribcage.
If your song has its own dance to go with it, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will hate the living shit out of it.
If you get a cut right on your knuckle, forget doing anything fun with your hands in the near future. That little fucker will be hanging around for a long time.
I think the reason Halloween and Easter are so far apart is because that's how long it will be before I want to eat candy again.
I can't order until I know what everybody else at the table is getting and that I'm not the one getting the biggest meal.
Please don't namedrop me when I'm trying to ignore your conversation.
I am incapable of putting on a latex glove without first doing the doctor wrist snap, putting two fingers up, and telling the nearest available male to drop his pants and bend over.
Having cats doesn't make you crazy. Putting pictures of them all around your desk and talking about them like they're your children makes you crazy.
If something I said offended you, then you probably shouldn't have been talking to me. Lesson learned, chump.
Why do they always have to put fire hydrants in front of the best parking spots?
Why does every car wash insist that I turn my radio off? Is there an inherent danger if I'd rather listen to music than the sound of wipers slapping the shit out of my car?
The four greatest words in the English language are, "I'm on the pill."
If you think driving and texting is dangerous, try driving and Facebooking.
I hate it when I do something awesome but then I have to pretend to be modest about it.
Eating breakfast rarely justifies getting out of bed 10 minutes earlier.
I'm reminded just how lazy I am every time I type my high school girlfriends name into a password box.
Having to throw in the towel and get help taking a bra off makes me feel like a complete failure.
Wendy's should just call a spade a spade and rename the Frosty to, "A Cup of Ice Cream."
When you live with roommates, getting to the bathroom after sex is a bit like being in a spy movie. You have to peek around every corner and move quietly or else the guards might see you.
My dad likes to remind me that he was married and had 3 kids at my age. I like to remind him how miserable he was at my age.
Nothing pisses me off more than a person who's trying to gain weight, and failing.
I put a picture that I took of a famous painting up on Myspace. They took it down because it was a full nude. Seriously Myspace? Grow up.
There's really nothing sadder than a newlywed couple having sex for the first time on their wedding night. Now you see why the rest of us got this out of the way years ago?
Nothing will ruin a song for me faster than hearing a crowd of drunk people sing it. Unless of course, I'm part of that crowd. Then it becomes 10x more awesome.
I wish they made a non-toxic and flavored version of the stuff inside of glow sticks. Talk about coolest cocktails ever.
Yeah Windows, I know I have unused shortcuts cluttering my desktop. Don't you fucking judge me.
There's nothing more futile than two indecisive people trying to make plans. The script goes something like, "I don't care, what do you want to do?" repeat 300 times until your night has disappeared into a black hole of indifference.
Sometimes I'll quit writing a text in the middle of doing it because I've decided that the message isn't important enough to justify all the typing.
I hate when I go to uninstall some program, and then they want me to fill out a survey telling them why. Like I just dumped them and they need closure. "No no, Yahoo Toolbar. It's not you, it's me. Please stop crying."
You can't wear a tracksuit into a bar and expect me to believe you aren't there to roofie someone.
Just because your wedding doesn't have a bar doesn't mean I won't still be getting drunk. It just means I'll be the only one having a good time.
If you really want to make me laugh, wear cowboy boots on the outside of your pants.
When the doctor asks how often I drink, I don't give an answer that's even close to honest. That would make his job way too easy.
Ladies, if you are willing to take your top off for a beer then you won't be getting my respect. You will however, be getting my beer.
If I catch you talking to yourself, just accept it and move on. Don't make the situation more embarrassing by pretending you knew I was there and were talking to me.
Why does it seem like the best pictures of me are when I'm the most drunk?
I don't care how socially unacceptable it is. Hearing little kids swear is fucking hilarious.
Colleges should have to base their tuition on what you actually learn.
I went on a date recently with a chick that got really excited when she saw a Progressive Car Insurance commercial on a nearby TV. She went on to say how she thinks 'Flo' is hilarious. I don't think this will be the one that got away.
If you really need to remember something, an email or text to yourself works a whole lot better than a string on your finger.
If anyone ever told Oedipus a yo mama joke, I'm thinking that would have to go down as the greatest dis in history.
There is a fine line between 'being a team player' and just not giving a shit.
There are certain muscles that only get used during sex and they become very apparent the day after ending a dry spell.
I've noticed a direct correlation between the number of pictures someone has of their vehicles, and the amount that I hate them.
After finishing an 'assembly required' project, there's nothing more terrifying than ending up with extra screws.
I feel a lot more accomplished than I really should when I actually get to work on time.
If someone were to catalog all of the stupid faces I inadvertently make throughout the course of a day, I think I'd be horrified with the results.
I went to a party over the weekend and met a girl with a boyfriend, Who wasn't there because he wanted to stay home and play World of Warcraft on a Saturday night. How am I the one that's still single?!
I spent $5 on a tool that squeezes every last bit of toothpaste out of the tube. I have doubts that over the entire span of time that I have it, it will actually save me $5 worth of toothpaste.
When someone tells me I've lost weight it really does more harm than good. Now I feel free to eat like shit. Thanks a lot asshole.
I thought my dog would help me meet women, but turns out, they're more interested in my dog than me.
It would save a lot of awkward conversations if there was a greeting card for the, "Yeah we were drunk and had sex now please stop calling me" occasion.
I just feels weird and wrong to get anything other than fries with a burger.
There are a lot of unrealistic things about the Grand Theft Auto games, but I think chief among them is the idea that getting a prostitute improves your health.
Even though schools don't allow you to use Wikipedia as a source, I still use it and just use the source that Wikipedia cites.
I remember when we first had sex-ed in school, there was one girl that had to leave because her parents wouldn't allow her to learn it. I'm really curious how fucked up she turned out.
I like making new friends because they haven't heard any of the jokes that my old friends are really sick of hearing.
Every guy can remember watching Fight Club and following it with the uncomfortable realization that Brad Pitt is really cool.
I'm excited to see what hip new software company will emerge after everyone decides Google is evil.
It's every delivery guys dream to walk into a Penthouse Forum story.
Why do they try and tell people not to pop pimples? Nobody is going to listen.
When I'm not feeling well I go to WebMD and search my symptoms, but it always comes back with the same diagnosis. Hangover.
I get the feeling that some guys just use Halloween as an excuse to dress in drag without getting funny looks.
I hate it when you drive behind a vehicle with smelly exhaust and for a minute, you think there's something wrong with your car.
If I had the power to start and stop time, I'd use it to take random naps without people noticing.
When I drive in the rain, I frequently change the speed of the windshield wipers to keep them in that happy medium where they effectively clear water, but don't make that horrible squeak.
Just because it's not financially necessary anymore, doesn't mean I have to stop eating ramen.
After I moved out my parents decided to get 2 dogs. They are spoiled drastically more than I ever was.
Have you ever hated a band solely because someone you don't like loves them?
There's a five year period between being too old to trick or treat and too young to party when Halloween seems really lame.
Judging by the people they try and set me up on dates with, I'm starting to wonder if my friends just want me to be miserable.
The fact that the cheese contained in your food is "real" shouldn't be a main selling point.
I think the reason I wasn't given some sort of amazing gift or ability is because I would only use it to try and get laid.
I start to get worried if I go more than 2 hours without getting an email.
I can be in a woman's friend zone so fast she'll forget we aren't related.
You know you've been single too long when you type the first 'w' into the url bar, and the auto-complete immediately comes up with a porn site.
So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I fucking rule.
I don't use alcohol as a means to cope or relieve stress. I use it as a means to get drunk.
It's amazing how clean you can keep your floor when you cover it with a protective layer of laundry.
Still to this day, whenever I hear a badass guitar solo, I imagine myself onstage playing it.
Obsessive anti-sports fans are just as annoying as obsessive sports fans.
You know you're really getting old when you bend over to get something and think to yourself, "Is there anything I can get while I'm down here?"
When did Obama ask mom's to go back to school and what does a dog with his head out the window have to do with anything? I'm so confused...
Wine is like sex. It's fine when you're by yourself, but much better with another person.
You know your local sports team is doing well when you start seeing rappers wearing their jerseys.
I'm pretty sure I can count on one hand the number of anvils that I've seen in real life, yet they're everywhere in cartoons.
Some of the most awkward moments caught on film are when you're trying to take a picture, but the camera is set to video mode.
Sorry Miracle Whip. You put it in a valiant effort, but you are not mayonnaise.
I hate it when you get excited about having more money than you expected in your bank account, only to realize it's because you forgot to pay a bill.
Carving a pumpkin is time consuming, messy and they always look terrible when I'm done. But you better believe I'll be doing it this year.
I'll drive around the block a couple times if I get home but I'm not ready to be finished with this song.
I appreciate the gesture, but I’m pretty sure mom could have handled that Shake n’ Bake dinner without my help.
To the women who feel insecure about depending on a man to open a jar. You can take solace in knowing that I will always depend on you to gift wrap something. I cannot figure that shit out.
Anybody else notice how shitty the prizes at Chuck E. Cheese are now? I did NOT spend 6 hours playing skee-ball for a fucking lamp...
Telling me to get my mind out of the gutter is about as futile as telling Dane Cook to be funny. It ain't gonna happen.
There is no greater feeling of freedom than the moment you decide you're going to skip a class.
Stop with the making out profile pictures. If I wanted to see that, I'd have the decency to hide out in your bushes with a pair of binoculars.
I will never enjoy a movie that I'm forced into watching.
I think the best advice I ever received was, "Never date a girl that doesn't like to give blowjobs."
I really want to own some sort of contraption that is powered by a hamster wheel.
Being old enough to drink never stops being awesome.
It's amazing how one traffic light can ruin your entire day.
Caffeine is a double edged sword. I'm pretty sure it's what keeps me up at night but it's also what keeps me from falling asleep during the day.
When the Miller High Life people came up with the "Champagne of Beers" slogan, I wonder if they were just testing us all to see if we were that gullible.
Say what you will, but I will always be impressed by a girl that can crush things with her boobs.
You don't have to physically touch my monitor to point something out on the screen.
If you ever refer to me as your 'bro,' you're dead to me.
There are few things worse than leaving 5 minutes late and ending up half an hour late because you missed your traffic window.
I think the biggest victim of the swine flu scare is the high five.
It saddens me to know that the next generation will never know the lost art of making a mix tape.
Mom and dad can always count on a visit when I'm too broke to buy groceries.
I've managed to become better at pretending to work than actually working.
I get a feeling of superiority when everyone else is just discovering a viral video that I saw months ago.
Early to bed, early to rise... Well, I guess I'm 0 for 2 on that one today...
I know that when a woman says 'no' she really means 'OH GOD NO!!'
All hope of my liking you is gone as soon as I hear you use the word "Uber" in front of anything.
Whoever said that the best things in life are free owes me a free jetpack.
I don't think there will ever be another movie that will affect me quite the way 'Wayne's World' did.
I wonder what will happen when they run out of names for paint colors.
It deeply saddens me to have witnessed the steady decline of the 'Hurtz Donut' over the last decade.
Why is it that the more convinced I am that a chick is into me, the more wrong I am?
All girls like to be spanked and have their hair pulled. Stop acting like you're so innocent.
There are few things more gratifying than watching someone become obsessed with a band or movie that you introduced them to.
To the creepy old guy that sits at the bar by himself and stares at people, I want so badly to judge you harshly but I can't because I know that I will be you someday.
If you offered me $40 to help you move I'd likely find an excuse not to. But a $15 case of beer? You've got yourself a mover!
Methinks it's time to bring back the word "methinks."
I will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.
Dear Axe Body Spray, I can't help but feel I've been deceived by your ads. Am I just not putting enough of it on?
If we're friends on three or more social networking sites then we might as well have sex and get it over with.
For the good of humanity, the clappy hands birthday songs at chain restaurants need to stop. It's degrading to us all.
I hate loud sneezers. Don't tell me you can't help it, a normal person can sneeze without an accompanying scream underneath it.
Unless we've had sex sober, I'm not interested in a relationship.
When someone calls me a pervert, I feel compelled to prove them right.
"Women are just as horny as men are." Ok, prove it.
Vanity license plates are very appropriately named.
There is really no good reason to wear a trenchcoat.
The "breakfast" distinction associated with cereal should really be eliminated because that is the meal that I'm least likely to eat it.
I'm convinced that in the entire history of mankind, nobody has ever gotten the desired result from someone that answered, "We'll see."
I've found that the best way to prevent body odor is to not put any effort into anything.
When someone tells me I have too much time on my hands I get a lot more offended than I really should.
The MasterCard "priceless" jokes stopped being funny five years ago. It's time to move on.
Creed, I liked you a lot more when you were broken up.
The internet is like alcohol. It makes you a whole lot braver.
There are few things in life more frustrating than using a mouse without a scroll wheel.
If I rushed for work in the morning the same way that I rush to get to the liquor store before they close, I would never be late.
Coffee and indifference. The breakfast of champions.
dustinyo is a fan of...
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