Ruminations
If the law was really serious about catching drunk drivers, shouldn't they just setup their checkpoints at every fast food drive thru after midnight on the weekends?
4 
I wish there was a way to break to a commercial or fake a heart attack when you get a gift you don't like or need on xmas so you don't have to go through the pain of showing appreciation through your disappointment.
Has any guy ever ate a single serving size of cereal? Are you supposed to eat cereal out of a frickin ramekin or something? I eat cereal out of a salad serving bowl. Yeah I'm fat like that.
When I send you a funny email, there's no reason for you email back & tell me that was funny because I know it was. I'd rather know if it wasn't funny because that at least tells me you have no sense of humor.
I feel like refrigerators should never have to be cleaned but man they will eventually punish you if you don't.
I always feel a slight sense of failure when I can't figure out what someone's license plate means. I'll go so far as to play detective and start using their bumper stickers or things in the window as clues.
The only thing that can ruin the joy of sitting alone in your row on an airplane is a crying baby anywhere nearby. Damn near impossible torture without an ipod.
I wish I could get up & leave immediately from thanksgiving & xmas get-togethers when I was ready instead of taking 15-25 minutes to say goodbye to everyone.
I guess people who would still rather call than text do not appreciate the true value of saying everything you need without being interrupted or having to listen to anyone.
Don’t ever mark anything you send me urgent. Not text messages, emails or voicemails. Ever.
Sometimes I like to sit & marvel at how nice I can be to customers at work when I feel like it.
I'm always down for a good game of chicken with the empty gas tank light in my truck...but I hate when I forget to fill up afterwards so next time that game of chicken goes into sudden death overtime.
I can’t imagine old people being young & annoyed at old people. Guess I’m just an asshole.
Liquor before beer, in the clear. Beer before liquor, never sicker. I guess when it comes to wine you can do whatever the fuck you want?
I realized the other day that Californication now officially tops all shows for packing the most ridiculous amount of stuff into 30 minutes, and somehow it’s still actually really good.
I hate when you are so hungover that you can’t remember whether or not you already took Advil, so you just take more. Please liver, hang in there buddy.
I wish...no, I pray to god that one day you will be able to fast forward through wordy or slow people when they talk.
Way to feel like a loser #237 - Give someone the "what's up nod" in a public place only to realize you don't know them at all. You only thought you did because you see them at the gym all the time.
You know you are a proud veteran when you wake up the next morning to an open bottle of advil & an empty gatorade on your nightstand and you're feelin pretty damn good. The premptive strike prevails once again!
Whenever I see a Mini Cooper all I can think about is wanting to flip it over onto the roof & spinning it. And I feel like I totally can do it.
Once you've had a leak in one of your tires, you will always think they are losing air anytime your car has a slight tilt & still not bother to check it regardless.
Awkward = The 30 seconds it takes you to recognize someone as they look right at you because they’ve gained so much weight since the last time you saw them.
There's not much worse than taking that molten hot sip of coffee or tea & immediately knowing that besides the pain, you've just ruined your mouth for the rest of the week.
I hate when you sit at your desk at work & for some reason you start to get annoyed and impatient with everything only to realize it’s due to the fact you’ve been too busy to go to bathroom for a few hours.
Ever make a ridiculous face at your partner in total darkness during sex just because you can get away with it? If not, well now you have something new to think about.
There are those people who can leave after saying goodbye and those that need many many attempts over the course of the next hour to do it as you painfully yet respectfully wait to end the night.
I wish my interior light would know to shut itself off when I leave it on rather than punish me by draining my battery & stranding me where ever I am.
I wish there was a way to punch, roundhouse kick or backhand people in an email.
I’ve never been in jail but bending down to pick up soap in the shower still feels like a shameful experience.
When you accept friend requests on Facebook from people you never talked to in high school and still don't plan on talking to, it's like you are recreating high school all over again & apparently you are both ok with that.
I hate when you think someone you don't really know is a shithead only to feel like a dick when you find out for yourself later on that they are actually pretty cool.
I know other people may not like this but I like signing notes at work with a big fat first initial. It makes me feel like Zorro. Fuck you. -D
I always knew this day would come & finally it has. I mixed vodka with a fruity protein drink over the weekend because I had nothing else & I loved it. It's so wrong. But in a way, so right.
I knew a girl that wrote “sortive” when she meant “sort of”. At first I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't a word but then it just became really funny to me to the point I would bait her into writing it. I'm already going to hell so whatever.
Why is it that you will reek more from an onion bagel than you will from onions on a sandwich?
I don't need to know that you were going to "tell me something, but forgot" & we really don't need to sit there until you remember either. I have much better things to do such as "anything else."
It has come to my attention that guys will hit snooze a few times in the morning but girls will tend to outdo that number by at least five or six hundred.
Why does it feel good to lock into a blank stare at nothing? It's as if you don't even want to move your head an inch until you're good & ready...or about to creep someone out.
Part of the fun of getting older is telling your parents the things that you got away with when you were younger…kind of like when I told my mom recently that I used to drive her car in & out of the garage for fun when I was 11.
Today I was approached not once but twice by Home Depot employees who asked me if I needed help finding something before I even started looking. Yeah, it freaked me the fuck out too.
How did people ever live through waiting for anything before there was texting & cellphones with games?
We should have the lasers from War of the Worlds to take care of the idiots who try to drive in reverse on highway shoulders so they can get to the exit they missed. Trust me, you don’t need to live.
Thanks to low rise women’s jeans, I’ve seen more public ass crack & thongs in the last 3 years than in my entire life….most of which I could have done without.
There’s so much bullshit & crying on the Ultimate Fighter reality show it should be renamed the Ultimate Baby.
I saw a picture of a street sign by a crosswalk in Japan that read “Don’t Text While Crossing.” After I was done laughing at the image of people being mowed down while texting, I wondered how many accidents does it actually take to warrant a sign like that?
I love that frail, wannabe napkin that comes in the wrapped plasticware kit given out by most chain restaurants with takeout food. If you're lucky enough for it to last long enough to wipe your face after your hands, you get a face full of pepper stench as a bonus. Thanks!
I just realized the other day that I still have a bunch of VCR movies but haven't actually had a VCR in years.
Funny how when someone almost hits you when you're driving, you become the enraged tough guy but when you almost hit someone, you immediately become the little worm who avoids eye contact at all costs or probably acts like you did nothing wrong at all.
Sometimes when I open a website & it takes too long, I’ll open up another site in another tab just so I don’t have to be stuck waiting for the first one to load up with nothing to do.
The manager of a car dealer told me the other day that his financing rates were "competesive" with that of my bank. At that moment I knew that his vocabulary was not "competesive" with mine.
Sneakers & dress pants?? No. Be a man & buy some fucking shoes for christ's sake.
People who wear Ed Hardy t-shirts at the gym...Really??
Listen, I don't need to know that "all your representatives are busy" over & over again when I hold because it makes me think that a live person is picking up when the music stops. Just play your miserable music & stop messing with me.
I realized today I automatically make a face at myself everytime I look into the bathroom mirror in the morning.
Heidi Klum may be hot but she sounds just like a Femme-Bot right out of an Austin Powers movie.
It's such a letdown when you're at work & you visit your handful of usual sites and nothing changes on them from the previous visit. It's like the world is standing still & there you are, stuck looking for another way to appear busy.
I love how when you trip in public, you act like you don't care even though you feel like a total schmuck.