Ruminations
Even though caller ID has been around for years now, I still feel a little bad when I spoil someone's introduction when they call.
5 
A sure-fire way to simultaneously hate yourself & look like a dick is to forward something to a bunch of people & realize afterwards that you accidentally sent it to someone you've been avoiding.
I never understood why someone would drive slow until I found myself driving in a mopey daze on the way to court to pay tickets. One of which, for speeding. It was then I realized an ironic lesson of life had drop-kicked me square in the nuts.
I'm not handicapped or terribly out of shape yet I'm pretty sure the process of getting out of bed makes me look like a flipped turtle struggling to get back on its feet.
If I were to be named after my main dietary component like anteaters are, I'm pretty sure I'd be an alcoholeater & a close second would be burgereater.
Stuffed animals - cute & cuddly to girls, punching bags to guys.
Whenever I'm forced to sit next to someone in a waiting room, I can't wait for another chair to open up so I can waiting room-dump their ass first.
I have no problem manually entering my year of birth into any online registration but the minute I'm given a drop down list that starts from 1901, the temptation to become a 109 year old user of the internet wins every time.
Why yes, I do have a cold. Thanks soo much for pointing out that I sound like I have one. Well hey...since now we're playing "report the obvious," guess what? In my professional opinion, you have diarrhea of the mouth.
Hey, city of Buffalo, neither the Sabres or the Bills are the Buffalo Buffalos. Either rename yourselves appropriately or get that damn buffalo off your jerseys & own up to the stupid name of your team like every other franchise does!
A complimentary gift of artificial brains should be given out with each pair of fake boobs.
The most embarrassing honor you can receive is when a pissed off neighbor bangs on the wall because they hear you having sex.
Whenever I see a “Police Use Only” sign, I can’t help but read it in such a way where I have to fill in the blank. Use what? The freshest ingredients? Condoms? 5% of their brains? Old Spice?
I think it's about time household freezers came with a specific area in them designed just for storing bottles of liquor.
Why can't I bring myself to delete music from my iPod that I know I never listen to? Am I that afraid of pissing off my future self?
I hate when I close my browser & find a work email behind it in mid-reply — meaning I intended to search the internet for info to complete it, but drifted off into my own stuff for who knows how long & now I'm back here, empty handed.
Nothing quite says that you're with the right girl more than getting a text at 10am to let you know that she's at a liquor store & excited about root beer flavored vodka.
I can really do without being wished a Happy New Year every time a conversation starts this month. I get it. It's another year...yay. But I'm at work now, not a party, so just get to the fucking point.
I'm always a little bit scared the moment I wake up from a dream where at some point I was peeing.
It's a little scary when I not only catch myself doing mental math to verify my age, but that I sometimes second guess what year we are currently in when doing so.
I wrote a letter to my office landlord the other day to complain about the excessive noise coming from our neighboring tenants. It’s a school for mentally disabled. I have to say, life is a bit easier now knowing I'm already going to hell.
Nothing turns you into an instant invalid faster than dribbling something onto your shirt from your mouth in public.
Fuck cell phones, Power Mat needs to make wireless, people-charging mattresses.
It’s ironic how Americans poke fun at Europeans for bad hygiene yet we’re the ones who don’t use bidets.
If I didn’t baby myself with notes & reminders as if I was caring for a senile 85 year old, I would accomplish nothing.
Sometimes I’ll wash a plate in my bathroom sink just to keep it from thinking it's any better than the kitchen sink.
It would be nice if ugly people could ripen their heads in a paper bag like fruit can.
I like being surprised with a little extra day time when I take my sunglasses off late in the afternoon.
If we can end cards & notes with 'Love,' there's no reason we shouldn't be able to use 'Like' or 'Hate' in the same way.
Units of volume would be much easier to conceptualize if they were based on the Solo cup.
If danishes & donuts weighed as much as bacon cheese burgers, maybe I'd be a little more inclined to believe how terrible they are for you. But until then, fuck it.
I'm pretty sure I would still have road rage back in the days of horses & stage coaches.
I don’t need an fake, meaningless “Hi” from your employees the instant I enter a store. If you really want to warm up to me, try giving me free stuff or a discount instead of some empty greeting.
I love when product labels are updated & the company feels the need to put “A new great look!” on it. That’s like me walking around the mall in some new clothes while bragging about how awesome I look to everyone.
People would care much more about the environment if air pollution turned falling snow yellow.
One of the best things about cold weather is not having to rush anywhere when you have beer in your car.
How did we get fucked with working that extra day in a leap year? Are we giving out freebies now?
If you reach into your pants pocket to get something & it takes more than 5 seconds to get it, you’ve succeeded at looking like a perverted jackass.
If you've already hit puberty & feel the need to wear a tiara for your birthday, I hope none of your dreams come true princess.
One time a bird dropped some mac & cheese on my windshield. Initially I thought "Are you fuckin kidding me?!" but once I understood that this was in fact a magical dinner suggestion from God, all was right with the world once again.
It’s amazing to me that women still allow men to shop for their Christmas gifts. Haven’t we disappointed you enough over the years?
I’m pretty sure garlic would dominate the food & snack world if it didn't make our breath smell like hot garbage.
I'll make microwaveable popcorn right after I buy it but for some reason I usually don’t see it again until I'm foraging through my pantry like a starved rodent when I have no snacks & suddenly it appears like a mirage.
I can never understand why some bands like to end a song with loud, obnoxious amplifier feedback. It's like being told a story then at the end someone screams into your ears at the top of their lungs for no reason.
Whenever I use a credit card, part of me feels the need to tell the person I'm paying, "Oh, by the way, I can totally afford this...and not in the monthly-minimum way."
I like when I overhear strangers having deep conversations about life philosophies & religious views and I'm there thinking to myself "If there's such a thing as god & karma, he would make you 2 dickheads shut the fuck up just for me."
Nothing's worse than suddenly realizing mid-conversation that you've been setup to ask you something you don't want to do & you aren't prepared with an excuse.
I like how I always thank people even when they can't help me, but my inner baby wants to yell "Thanks for nothin!" kick something & stomp away.
The only thing better than seeing someone fail while trying to pass you on a highway is watching them do it a second time.
The FBI warnings before movies on DVD still refer to videotapes. So basically, even the people who are paid to make sure this is on every DVD, don't read it either.
Why haven’t restaurants learned to get tables big enough so fitting the bread basket on it as you get more stuff doesn't become an annoying game of Tetris?
It's a long, embarrassing experience to watch one of your favorite movies with someone when you realize early on that it's not as good as you remembered & you can tell they think you're a dumbass.
When someone asks me to call them back, my only goals are that they miss my return call, give me the credit for trying, then bait them into texting whatever needs to be said.
Regardless of the object, whenever someone hands me something that's surprisingly solid & dense the first thing I think is “I could really hurt someone with this.”
It's hard for me to accept "facial" as an acceptable spa term.
Nothing makes you feel more owned than getting cut off in traffic.
I feel like such a pansy when something hits my windshield & makes me flinch.
Whenever I’m behind a construction vehicle with a “Do Not Follow” sign, I always get in a little huff to myself & say “What am I supposed to do? Pull off the road?”
Unisex cologne is just a way to trick men into wearing women’s perfume.
The other day I admitted that I saw both The Devil Wears Prada and Nanny Diaries in the same conversation. I should hand my penis right back to my parents.
Sometimes when I’m at the supermarket & I see something I want that's not on my list, I forget that I'm the boss and I tell myself "no" like I’m some little brat.
I find something hilarious about scientists firing a rocket at the moon without really knowing what to expect. It's like Beavis & Butthead took over NASA.
Writing an ampersand makes me feel like I'm trying to draw a picture with the opposite hand.
I hate when I realize after the fact that I accidentally doubled a letter in a word within a work email so it looks as if I'm emphasizing it like I'm Tony the Tiger. Grreat.
When a customer support rep accidentally hangs up on me, I always feel the need to tell that to the next person when I call back as if that matters & they actually care.
It seems that the trade off of having the life of a rock star is to look progressively creepier throughout middle age life & beyond.
You know you have a guilty conscience when someone begins a sentence with “I just found your…” & it stops your breathing for a second.
If I've recently had a good amount of missionary style sex, I'll proudly rationalize skipping a chest & triceps workout.
I'm always confused when panhandlers have bad spelling & grammar on their signs. I mean, don’t they have like all day to get it right?
Soap in a dispenser just waiting to cleanse your dirty hands, good. The very same soap dripped onto the sink, oozed down & dried - might as well be someone's snot rocket.
I'm fairly certain people are out there deliberately driving their cars around slow & aimlessly with the sole purpose of fucking with me.
I feel a little robbed that I wasn't aware of jobs like "porn movie title author" when I was younger.
I think nature was feeling a bit obnoxious when deciding on a defense mechanism for the skunk.
Why aren't dimmer switches standard in home bathrooms? I can't be the only person frying my pupils out in the middle of the night when nature calls.
The Discovery Channel should do a special on the Bermuda Triangle beneath my car seats.
When is one of the razor companies going to get the balls to make a razor the size of a frickin frying pan & put an end to this blade quantity pissing contest?
Did anyone ever thank Pamela Anderson for killing the barbed wire tattoo once & for all?
Unless you are family or a close friend, please save us both the awkwardness of me saying something brilliant like "good luck with that" & don't tell me that you have any sort of serious disease.
I couldn't help but feel a little let down when I learned douche meant shower in French.
It’s amazing how thankful you can be for escaping the worst case scenario of a bad situation then later be totally pissed over why it didn’t work out better for you.
Before you decide that a mustache is for you in modern society, consider 2 things. 1- The most common associations are: Hitler, pirates, Super Mario, early 1900's outlaws & most pedophiles. 2- If you need a 2nd point, go ahead & grow it.
There's nothing like dodging that phone call from your lazy friend on the way to their place when you know their ass just wants you to pickup something for them that they don't plan on paying you back for.
Every once in a while I catch myself typing out a word phonetically & in a spastic frenzy I delete this abomination as if I'm ridding proof of my shame from the planet before there are witnesses.
Superman obviously has no true friends because regardless of what superpowers you may have, friends don’t let friends wear skin tight, blue, full-body leotards.
I wish randomly nice people didn’t make me suspicious as if I was just released from jail & had a terrible childhood.
Do the people of Parks & Recreation know that they are just a bad ripoff of The Office?
When a girl says that she is "more like a guy," a guy hears: "I'm so bitchy that I can't even get my own kind to like me, but hey I like sports & you can be a pig around me so that must count for something."
1 compliment about my shirt, nice. 2 compliments...wow, cool! 3 compliments? Ok, what the fuck is going on? Did someone put a frickin sign on me or are all of my other shirts just a bunch of ratty dish rags?!
Openly joking about your faults does not excuse them whatsoever. That's essentially like bragging about being a shithead.
If something dumb happens to me in the morning before I leave for work like dropping something I need & watching it roll in slow motion way underneath the fridge, I'm convinced the day has already gone wrong.
I hate when I ask “How you doin?” & the reply is something that I'm not expecting so the auto-response that I blurt out of “Fine, thanks.” makes no sense as well as announces my indifference.
When I really feel like being sincere, I'll tell someone that they are in my prayers even though I’ve never prayed a syllable in my life.
The moment I wake up every weekday morning, I go through a little routine in my mind where I assess how tired I am & if I could get away with being late or calling in sick just to sleep more.
It doesn't seem right to say "wash your hands" & when it's the fingers that do 95% of the touching. If I was the back of a hand, I'd be like "What the fuck did I do?"
When is the post office going to give us a separate box for junk mail at home?
Hey, asshole. Didn’t you realize I was avoiding eye contact on purpose therefore letting you off the hook for holding the door open for me? If being a doorman is your passion, there are plenty of opportunities out there just waiting for you, jerkoff.
The world would be a better place for both men & women alike if "Sex-Ed" classes actually instructed what the title implies.
I don’t know why its so hard for me to admit that I need a shopping cart when I go to the supermarket rather than having to balance shit on my head in order to make it to the checkout counter.
Explain to me how dictionary & encyclopedia got their names but thesaurus ended up with one that sounds like a dinosaur?
Whenever I'm about to send an email & I realize the wrong person is in the 'To:' line, I freeze in horror then begin to treat the email as if I'm diffusing a bomb that is about to explode my embarrassment worldwide.
I like the few days after you get home from a vacation where you still rationalize eating & drinking like a fat lush for just a little longer.
Although some injuries may be embarrassing, ones that are a result of sex are worn like a badge.
I wonder if anything smells terrible to someone with consistently bad body odor.
The "bridge may ice before road" sign has never changed the way I drove over one.
The morning after a blackout, the next episode of CSI-My Apartment begins.
I don’t know what it feels like to win the lottery but if its anywhere near as rewarding as hitting all green lights on the way home from work, it must be quite amazing.
I feel like the people who see me most often keep track of the clothes I wear & are waiting to call me out the minute I wear something too soon after the last time I wore it.
If I go out of my way to say I'm "definitely" going to show up, you can pretty much bank on the fact that I'm not. Not only do I really want you to think I am but I also don't want you asking me about it anymore.
There’s always a moment with your boss where they say something so ridiculous that it leaves you wondering if they have any clue what industry they even work in at all.
The crime rate would be a lot lower if every violation of the law was met with a severe, good old fashioned ass kicking.
Hair ends up at places in the shower that defy logical thought.
I love when you get stuck speaking to a stranger & they mishear something you said so rather than correct them, you just run with it since you know you’ll never see them again. Sure, I have an emu & own the company I work for.
I tried to come up with a vanity plate of my own once but when the first 2 ideas I got were “ioutdrnku” & "drnk2mch," I figured I'd better just sit this one out.
There was nothing worse as a kid than the days when the lunch you brought to school got crushed so you were stuck eating a deformed mess of a sandwich in front of everyone.
I saw a 'No Turn On Red' sign the other day with a pic of a red light actually on it. If you really need to be reminded what red is, what's the chance you can read the fucking sign anyway?
Whenever I have to breathe for the doctor, I never feel like I'm doing it the way they want me to.
I hate helping friends with their computers because I’m afraid of learning something that will change the way I think about them forever...beginning with how terrible they really are with a computer.
I find it hard to believe that we can’t mass produce a nail clipper that doesn’t jettison the clippings into outer space.
When someone I usually only text with decides to call me, I automatically assume that something terrible happened.
“Thank you for your anticipated cooperation” is the professional way of saying “Consider yourself owned.”
I would be a millionaire if I could bottle the disgust for food that you get when you get violently drunk & sick, then make that into a diet pill.
If you want to feel better about your personal alcoholism, stand outside of your local liquor store on Sunday mornings just before it opens.
As if getting old doesn’t suck enough, grey hairs stick out as if they’re on a mission just to rub it in.
Why is it that the most important part of a voicemail is always the hardest to hear?
I like only emptying the lint trap in the dryer when I know I can pull bigfoot out of it and feel like I accomplished something.
The moments I remember most fondly about attending classes in college are the ones when I knew I was totally dropping the class I was sitting in.
Sometimes I wish I could brutally interrogate myself when I forget something.
I wore a really old dress shirt to work the other day just to see if anyone would notice if it looked dated or if it could pass as current. No one said anything but all I think I really learned was nobody gives a flying fuck about what I wear.
It's hard to erase the trauma of learning that the slight tickle on your body that you've been ignoring the past 10 minutes was actually a giant fucking insect doing god knows what to you.
Does anyone ever put the cap back on a disposable razor?
I can’t help but hear studio audience laughter from a hidden camera show in my head after I’ve washed my face & hands in a public bathroom then find out there are no paper towels and the airdry machine is broken.
I can’t see how the pay for being in a pharmaceutical commercial where you are shown as the person who is ecstatic that they’ve conquered constipation or a STD, outweighs the fact your friends will now have material to make fun of you for life.
Every once in a while I catch myself talking out of the side of my mouth into the cell phone, as if it makes the other person hear me better.
There are fights with women where a point comes & you realize there is not a thing you can say or do that will make anything better no matter how right you are. No matter how you cut it, it's pretty much called losing.
It always takes me a decent stretch of labored chewing before the moment strikes when I say to myself “Why the fuck am I still chewing this hard, flavorless piece of gum for?”, then spit it out.
I’m not so sure showing how food is made in mass quantities helps in a promotional sense. Maybe its me but there’s nothing appetizing about watching someone stir up a swimming pool full of sauerkraut with a pitchfork.
The world would be a much happier place if we could get birds to wear diapers.
The only thing as certain as death & taxes is the fact it's only a matter of time before someone brings up story of you puking when your girlfriend first meets your friends.
Barbers & hairstylists would make much more money if half way through the haircut they'd ask "How much is finishing the job worth to you?"
As you approach the late 20's & beyond, you find that the delivery of admitting your age to a person you just met becomes oddly similar to that of someone revealing that they are terminally ill.
I hate when you mishear a question & wind up divulging a detailed summary of some other completely unrelated aspect of your life instead.
Sometimes I amaze myself with what I will acknowledge, say I've done or agree to just to hurry a conversation along.
Sometimes I'll catch myself really reaching for a reason to text someone just because I'm bored & want someone to text me back.
I've always been baffled by what brings bars to have the belief that all beverages should be atop a bev nap. Believe me boss, that napkin isn't doing much.
I hate when you're waiting for your change from the cashier, meanwhile they're waiting for you finish paying since your dumb ass didn't give them enough money to start with.
Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.
I've never been able to get those stupid plastic sandwich bags to stay closed, ever.
Wait...sooo you won't give me quarters unless I buy something although the vending machine I need the change for is yours? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
I understand the water cycle, precipitation & all, but it still blows my mind sometimes that there isn’t just a machine up there with a huge water tank.
Between hating the annoying beep when its done & general impatience, I find it overwhelmingly difficult to watch the last few seconds tick down on the microwave.
I love when websites think they're being so edgy & different with their artsy, avant garde design when all they’re really doing is being totally fucking annoying & killing their own site. Way to go Interneto da Vinci.
I like when someone driving behind me gets cut off by someone slow just so I can speed up a lot & show how awesome it is not to be them.
If you say any word with -age at the end like “signage,” I automatically think you're trying to be like Pauly Shore.
Unless you are under the age of 4, the word “cute” could very well be the most insulting compliment there is.
I hate when you see a picture of yourself in a shirt you like & you realize that you have no idea what the hell happened to it.
I've never appreciated living alone until recently I got into the habit of watching tv in my underwear while eating food and getting it all over my bare chest & stomach like a viking.
Stale chips are not above me when I'm not in full control of my hunger.
I hate getting an text/email & spend the next few minutes toeing the line of insanity by forcing yourself to get to the heart of what the fuck it means so you can reply, only to have the person answer back "umm, what?"
I hate when you wind up on a website that tries to prevent you from navigating away from it so you end up clicking furiously to get back to your search but eventually blow way past it & wind up starting over out of frustration.
Who told Verizon it was ok to let the person who’s calling me know with that little tone that I’m on a call with someone else? Thanks for selling me out ya fuckheads.
I hate saying thank you to people that I don’t know who bless me after I sneeze.
You know you're getting old when you've consciously decided to take it a little easier at the gym that day if there's a shot at getting laid later.
I hate when my sister & my mom talk to other people in front of me about the fact they go to shooting ranges together. Inevitably I’m always asked “Well, what do you shoot?” And I have nothing to reply but “Um, rubberbands?”
Whenever I drive past someone quickly while mid-yawn, I always wonder if they think I'm yelling at the top of my lungs, singing opera or just yawning.
My friend's 4yr old nephew & I played a "this or that" game at a family party last week. On his turn he asked if I would rather lick the inside of garbage truck or make out with grandma. I shook the little bastard's hand, gave him $1 & walked away.
I fuckin paid for Pandora today. That's like eating the free cheese samples at the supermarket all these years & now today the little old lady decides to hit me up for some cash? What the fuck?!
I hate the moment when somebody compliments something you're wearing & asks if it’s new when it’s not. You can lie and say yes but what if they're messing with you? They have all the power as you're forced to see where this goes like a trapped rat.
I have a noticeable absence of guilt over getting angry when work gets in the way of the personal things I planned to do at work.
I marvel at the train ticket collector guy’s memory. I would fuck that job up something fierce.
Genocide, infanticide, homicide…. Spermicide? Really? Someone felt that this word should join the ranks of other –cide words? I guess a word like spermakill wouldn't quite drive the point in deep or hard enough?
When I get up on a Friday morning & remember to turn off my alarm so it doesn't wake me up early over the weekend, I tend to get right up in my alarm clock & say things like "In your faaaace fucker!!"
When I go into jewelry stores I can't help but make it obvious to the staff that I'm noting where their cameras and security systems are as if I'm planning a heist.
Whenever anybody stops me on the road & asks for directions, I’m always initially expecting them to tell me that my car is on fire.
You might want to call a do over on your day when you catch yourself attempting to put toothpaste on your razor in the morning.
Ever been in a situation where you're mid-telling someone “I don’t understand celebrities that don’t fix the gaps in their front teeth...” & you realize the person you’re talking to has a gap you can clean out with a q-tip?
Would it kill MTA to make the subway seats a little taller so your face isn’t dead level with everyone’s asses when you sit?
I get a little mad when I can’t take each of my socks off in 1 try while balancing on the other foot.
Guaranteed nobody saw your top 5 throws of garbage into the basket that you were most proud of in your life.
You know you’re having a real shitty day when not only is the day dragging, but you're fucking starving over an hour ahead of the time when you normally have lunch.
I realized that I always park in the same area at the mall because if I don’t, I know I basically have no chance at finding my car whatsoever.
When anyone gets sent to jail for multiple life sentences & dies there, I picture their corpse being left there to rot in their cell.
Within about 3 minutes into a conversation on the train, you already know which people are pretending not to be listening to every word, but are & those who are itching to invite themselves right into the topic, and will.
I became aware of the fact that I have a situational vocabulary the other day when I realized the only time I use the word dipshit is when I'm driving & expressing my feelings to other idiot drivers.
I wish texts read like emails so I don’t have to go back & look then re-read everything one by one when I need to review what's been said or when I forget what the fuck we're talking about.
If you are victim of the accidental occurrence of dropping something you need into the trash, you'd better believe that life and its observers are totally laughing at you & your soon-to-be garbage picking self.
There’s not many moments of victory bigger than when you take out your wallet for the first time to pay for something the day after a rough night out & to your surprise you won’t have to ask to charge this coffee & bagel.
I hate when you start explaining a story & realize it’s a lot longer than the amount of patience you actually have to finish telling it.
When someone laughs before finishing their story & somehow accidentally spits on your lip in their excitement, just shoot me. Your story’s now over friend. Please learn to curb your enthusiasm & kindly kill yourself. Cheers.
I hate when you change the garbage & the one of the first things you throw in the new bag totally ends up being something that’s gonna stink up your life until your honey reminds you to change it again with a smack.
What's with having dreams that leave you pissed off after you get up? Thanks brain, life's not hard enough so now you gotta mess with me when I sleep? We'll see who's boss at the bar fuckface.
When I catch myself groovin to a tune I know I hate, I get angry for a sec thinking that maybe there’s a part of me that subconsciously likes it.
I find the caution pics with stick figures shown hurting themselves in violent ways a lot funnier than I probably should.
It sucks when you get that first cough that tells you that you’re getting sick, but with that I’m already thinking of how late I’m going to sleep in on my sick day as well as what movies I’ll be renting.
I get pissed when someone at the gym feels the need to talk to me but if I don’t get any texts while I’m there, I get even more pissed.
It's one thing to accidentally meet eyes with someone on the train but its 1000% more uncomfortable when you do it through the train windows's reflection.
I hate places like home depot or the supermarket where you do your best to find a good parking spot only to get fucked when you come back outside & realize you couldn’t be further from the exit.
When it comes to sports, guys always feel the need to sit around & kibitz about the shitty plays in a game as if we could have done better & life somehow mistakenly missed our true calling to compete instead.
I was confused by funeral home I drove past that had a huge digital clock on its sign like a bank. I wasn’t sure whether the message was, “times a wasting so hurry up & die” or “dead people wait for no one” ?
I hate when someone gives you their cell to say hi to someone & its lubed up with a nice layer of their face oil. I'd rather talk into a slice of pizza.
I hate when you cave in & start eating your takeout food during the drive home therefore nicely lubricating your steering wheel as a result.
I love when I'm in my car and see a bee hovering around outside my closed window as if its trying to figure out how to get in & I’m like “You wish bitch!”
I bought dryer balls the other day mainly because they look cool.
Acai is way too much effort to pronounce for a four-letter fruit. Just saying it properly makes you sound like a pretentious asshole.
I caught myself telling my friend the other day that "It’s better to run red lights at a normal speed than speed up & draw attention to yourself as if you did something wrong." I may have problems.
Listen Adobe Acrobat reader, just because I update you doesn't give you the right to litter my desktop with your useless icon. Who the fuck ever used the program through the shortcut anyway?
I love passing up all the best parking spots & parking my car obnoxiously far from any entrance just so I know that there's less of a chance that somebody will ding my car...yeah right.
I want to take this moment to thank spider solitaire on my ipod for keeping me on the cross trainer at the gym while simultaneously taking my mind off passionately hating it, as well my life, while using it.
I'm still never really sure when to use "effect" versus "affect." My rule is basically that it's always "effect" until spell check says it's not.
I love when someone tells me that their hard drive is all "clogged up" with pictures. It just makes me want to show up at their house in full plumber garb with a plunger and some Drain-O & just go to town on their pc for them.
I hate when you get stuck in 2 different text conversations simultaneously with the same person.
I've hidden so many people on Facebook that my news feed page barely changes everyday.
Cookies & milk should be part of the breakfast family.
I hate when you have to call someone when aren't sure how to pronounce their name. Then you hope you go to their voicemail & so you can at least hear them say it, but they never frickin do. It never fails.
The moment I hear, "Please enjoy the music while your party is reached" I think hard about the adverse effect this loud, dumb fuckin song will have on my mood by the time the other end answers. Hangups are common until I can prepare properly.
Even if it's closer when I get up, I still won't get out of the wrong side of the bed in the morning just so I can't say I did.
The “congratulations you have won an ipod” girl has scared the shit out me more times than I would like to admit.
I'm gonna make up a spare set of keys & throw them right down a storm drain just to get that out of the way.
If a rechargeable battery lasts anything less than forever, I feel cheated.
Sometimes I like giving my mom semi-backhanded compliments like “Hey thanks for making me good looking enough so I really never have to worry about getting hookers.”
Pollen on your car fucking sucks. It's like nature's way of completely defiling you.
When I act like an asshole in a public place, I never really get overcome with the shame that you wish upon someone like that as an observer, which would help explain why we continue to have assholes in public places.
I love when I tell people that I like metal music & the first thing out of their mouth is "Oh, you like that kill your mother, kill your father stuff?" And I'm just like, "Yep."
Has anyone figured out many holes a pair of underwear should get before you throw it out?
Why won't anyone tell Steve Martin that he stopped being funny right around the time when Walkmans & VHS cassettes were in their heyday?
Jeans never really strike you as being all that different from ones you wore years ago but once you see an old pic of yourself in a pair, whoa. Besides hair styles, there's probably no faster way to date a photo.
If you write to me in a font size larger than 10, why not just fingerpaint it on posterboard & mail it to me you fucking moron.
Idiotic words like whatnot & anywho should be banished from the English language forever and their users brutally beaten with large dictionaries.
Windshield wipers get on my nerves way more than they probably should.
I’ve been chewing the same brand of gum forever & in that time I have never seen anyone else have, chew or even buy it. Am I keeping Extra Polar Ice in business all by myself?
I don't care if your arms are huge & shredded, if your belly looks like a 40lb Butterball turkey, you have no business wearing tight shirts.
The end of SNL confuses me. This is a comedy show but at the very end they play sad music & everyone hugs as if they're never going to see each other again. What the fuck is that about?
I used to think foaming pump hand soap is weird & maybe even a little gross, but after accidentally buying the regular kind you realize foam really kind of rocks.
I realized the other day when an old movie came on that Demi Moore was really only late 80s-early 90s hot & not time-transcending hot.
I watched There Will be Blood the other day and I couldn't help but harp on how terrible hangovers must have been 100 years ago.
Sometimes I will change my email signature line from "Thanks" to "Thank you" if I really mean it.
I always have a mini heart attack when I accidentally fire off an email before its done.
At the risk of sounding like my grandpa, it should cost no more than $10 to wash your car.
I caught a movie on tv last night about some sex club with hot & successful chics starring Hugh Jackman & Ewan McGregor. Hmm, feels like someone was slightly miscast...I’m going with the dorky, physique deficient & mole-ridden jedi. Call me bitter if you must.
Who came up with the word "queue" & how the hell did they make it fly with the extra "ue" at the end?!
When asked about something you don't know, why do we feel the need to get in "I've heard of it before" as if that brings anything to the topic & makes us any less stupid?
Some excuses sound so much better in theory yet fail miserably in practice, such as "Officer, I ran the light from a stop is because it didn't change for a long time & I thought it was broken."
I hate when you get caught publicly jammin to a song so now you're forced to either continue as if you didn't care that you were caught (though you totally do) or accept your shame & stop immediately.
Somewhere along the way I started to tell people to give others “my best” although I don’t know what that means. My best hug? Bicep pose? Deniro impression? I just know its good & I meant it.
I don't know why but it's such a letdown when you find out the scientific explanation behind why knuckles crack.
I hate when in movies they feel the need show someone on the bowl. 90% of the time they either never wipe or wipes without looking, nor do you see them wash their hands. Let's skip the stupid bathroom scenes rather than imagining this disgusting character walking around in the movie spreading their filth everywhere.
I can't count the amount of times I've clicked Hide since the last change on Facebook.
The best thing about meeting someone at the gym is the fact you both somehow got roped in by neither's best appearance & the upside potential is in both of your favors.
The best kind of lie is when you use something you really did or will have to do but just change the dates to make it work for your story. It really almost doesn't even feel like lying.
I hate when I get to work & realize the shirt I have on has a small lunch stain right on the front from the last time I wore it, thereby publicly announcing my overall slovenliness from a soapbox.
I've never once been on any gym equipment when it broke nor have I seen anyone else do so, yet there's always something broken. Although I imagine if I was on something when it broke, I would slowly slither away in shame...so I guess its not that much of a surprise.
Thank god I can only find Snyders dark chocolate covered pretzels in that little bag. If that bag came in Tostito party size, shit would just get ugly.
I hate the surprise of randomly itching your head & blindly discovering either a bruise, scratch or something painful going on in there. Thanks for the heads up fuckin pain receptors. Where were you on that one?
I wish it were socially acceptable to grab someone by the face & mush them to the floor like they were your fictitious little sibling when you want someone to just shut--the--fuck--up.
Bald people who have goatees that are the exact same thickness & color as their eyebrows freak me out, probably because they remind me of Mr. Potato Head.
You know you've done something genuinely dumb when you actually stand frozen in time for seconds afterwards in disbelief...such as dropping an unopened soda bottle & immediately opening it with no regard to physics whatsoever.
I don't talk to a single person in my gym but I think I've pretty much figured out who doesn't like me almost as well as I've figured out who I don't like.
The term "significant other" makes me want to hurl.
We clone stuff & visit other planets but yet the scientific breakthrough that enables us to feel perfectly rested when we wake up every morning no matter what, continues to evade us? I seriously question the world's priorities.
I'm pretty sure I was a righty before the days of internet porn.
There’s nothing that quite screams “I’m out of shape” like pulling a muscle from sneezing.
It is ok to interrupt any bar conversation at any moment with this one word phrase, "Shots?"
I hate climbing into bed at night & realizing there's a load of wet laundry taunting you from the washing machine.
Sometimes I hinge my life over making stupid little bets with myself like "If I make this shot into the garbage from across the room, things will work out today."
Knowing when to take lunch is a delicate balance between how hungry you are & how much time you feel like dealing with in the remainder of your work day when you return.
I'm the best person to tell a secret to. As long as the secret doesn't directly impact my life, I will forget it permanently in a matter of minutes.
I have a drawer of used up batteries just waiting to be put into the next remote that dies.
Why is it that when you ask a girl to throw you something, more often than not the said object's trajectory is a B-line straight at your balls?
I wonder how much of a girl's life is actually spent in front of a mirror figuring out their favorite poses & ways to tilt their heads in pics?
Once I notice that someone talks out of their mouth a little crooked, I can't help but harp on it forever.
You know you're getting older when you actually think about lying about your age to a treadmill just in case somebody behind you sees what you put in.
A little part of me died when I saw recent beach pics of Arnold Schwarzenegger & his body looked a lot like my grandpa's.
Anytime I feel like turning down sex, I try to picture how pissed my 14yr old self would be & tough it out just for him.
If I don't take at least 3 seconds to rotate my hand clockwise or counter clockwise in front of the pic, I will always fuck up which way I need to turn it on the first shot.
I always wonder if the cop that's busy pulling someone else over notices that I'm making a point to blatantly speed past them.
I hate people who talk to themselves in public places in hope of trying to invite you in to cheer on their idiotic internal dialogue. I just can't play along. Them "Wow, this stuff is so expensive! Its only weed killer." Me "Hey, then do it with your hands or just STFU!"
I hate when I get to my car & notice that what I'm wearing doesn't match as good in outside light as I thought it did in the house.
You almost can't help but get mad for a second when you call somewhere and they rifle out "Hello this is so & so, please hold" so quickly that you can't get a word in edgewise. Let me at least say Yes! mufugga!
I'm normally a pretty happy guy but stick me behind a slow driver & suicide is the only way out in my mind.
I love whenever I’m on extended hold with some company on the phone & somehow manage to be mid-burp just as they get back on the line.
Computer programs shown in movies will always look either obnoxiously far-fetched, ridiculously outdated or just downright cheesy & will never look like actual programs used in real life.
I’m at work & I just realized I left an extra button undone at the top of my shirt (3 buttons open). A few people have seen me so far but none have said anything. Apparently I've turned into Don Johnson overnight & nobody has a problem with it.
How come whenever you realize you have to break up with someone it always happens to be around their birthday, a holiday or a tragic event in their family?
Postcards are like getting bitch slapped by someone else's vacation. “Oh here’s a quick little note about what a great time I’m having with a pic just to rub it in.” Fuck you.
Stubborn is the professional way of saying asshole.
I’ve sneezed on the wall next to my desk an alarmingly disgusting amount of times now that I think about it.
I hate when you are about to forward a funny pic from your phone but you realize the person who sent it knows most of the same people you do. So now, sending this out requires thought.
If you Google-Image The Great Depression, it just seems flat out wrong that we might be looking back on the times ahead & say we were in one too.
I hate when you get caught checking someone out from across the gym & the next exercise you both wind up doing happens to be within the same section. Hi, I'm a stalker.
What’s up with screwed up commercials that play for a second at the end of another one or just get interrupted midway? It's nice to know that sometimes large companies don't get what they paid for just like regular people do.
I will look all over a website for an actual phone number rather than dial 1800 & figuring out how to dial words on my phone.
If you are starting to get a roll on the back of your neck, maybe putting a tattoo back there isn’t quite the hottest idea you can be acting on....unless of course you wait until you get enough rolls so it looks like a pack of franks & then at that point feel free to dress it up like Oscar Meyer.
If I can't interrupt who I am talking to fast enough when I get another call, I'll just switch over and blame it on a dropped call.
I know that all consumer products have a testing & reporting phase but I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this entire process when it comes to toilet paper.
I’d love to go the gym one day & drink my water out of a 40oz Heineken bottle just to see the reactions.
It never feel like the guys at the car wash are happy with what I tip them.
I always feel like a chester when I happen to meet eyes with a girl who is shopping for underwear.
I can never figure out what went wrong when I go for a handshake and someone just winds up grabbing my fingers.
For a guy, there are few things more emasculating than shopping & realizing the thing you’ve been looking at was a women’s.
Obama said that "Washington's all up in a tizzy" over the AIG debacle. I don't know about you, but I'm more entertained by the fact a president said "tizzy" than concerned that AIG gave 150mil in bonuses from their federal relief.
I would rather get shanked in the back with a toothbrush than get a paper cut.
Why do people who know that they sweat profusely at the gym wear clothes that show every drop of their oinkness? Who are you trying to impress and/or disgust?
I really enjoy clicking "I do not like this song" on Pandora. It's like I'm telling each band member that they suck to their faces.
Most of the time when I don’t answer the phone in the car it’s just because I don’t want to interrupt a song.
If you are as impatient as me, the moment after you ring a doorbell that you’re not sure whether it worked or not really sucks.
If the joke you forwarded me is written in some goofy colored font that gives me headache or if its longer than 3 sentences, it's deleted instantly.
I feel like if I ignore my GPS enough, it will eventually get mad at me.
I almost sent an email at work where I somehow spelled the word accessible, excessible. If I had sent that and realized later, I would have berated then fired myself, promptly leaving the property with my head hung in shame.
“I fell asleep” is the universally understood way to no-show for plans that you didn’t want to agree to in the first place.
Ok 5 Hour Energy, maybe you don’t have sugar but how well do you mix with vodka? I rest my case.
I always feel like 12PM marks the mid point of my work day even though I have 5 hours left. I guess subconsciously I know that I’ve already used up half the effort that I was willing to put in for the day.
I wish I could be there when Google takes the street view pic of my address. The possibilities are endless.
I wish I had a solid British accent to rock out at will.
Where does all the chapstick go when it gets run through the dryer? Magic!
Pillsbury biscuits in the tube are the closest thing we have to Jetson food.
If you leave me a voicemail & can't get to the point in 5 seconds, my "Press 7" reflex cannot be stopped.
I hate when I see further down in an email trail that I accidentally used the same adjective or verb twice within the same reply. Great, it's now official record that either I have a shallow vocabulary or someone is now under the impression that I not only like this particular word & but I have no shame of how often I use it.
After many attempts to resuscitate & correct the situation, today at 09:38 EST I was declared "too dirty to continue work" due to excessive beverage spillage & was left no option but to go home and change.
“Results may vary” means that it probably won’t work for you at all.
I feel like a loser when someone helps me bag at the self check-out, as if I'm not going fast enough by their standards.
Do you know those people on facebook who always send you some sort of poke, quiz or whatever? I’m the exact polar opposite of that.
Whenever I say hi to someone in passing & I get a response that is below my energy level of delivery, I immediately think about the last bad thing I said about that person & who I might have told that to.
I wouldn’t mind laundry so much if they would just invent a dryer that neatly teleports the clothes back where they are supposed to go once they're done.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Why not make a huge fuckin L & a huge fuckin R on the headphones?! Ok? I want those seconds of my life back.
What Blockbuster? Return this in 2 days even though you won’t charge me if I don’t bother? Yah, ok.
I just called a place & was a total dick because I couldn’t hear them, then I realized I had my headphones on.
Usually when people pass by me closely, I either time it with breathing out or holding it in just so I don't have to deal with how they might smell.
If I were a piece of clothing that failed the sniff test, I’d be like “Fuck you dude!”
No I wasn't surprised to see you, it was a face of terror that we made eye contact & ensuing disappointment that I wasn’t aware enough of my surroundings to avoid this moment.
Whenever I go to bed really late, I always promise myself that I will take a nap the minute I get home from work the following day. Even though that nap never happens, I still fall for this lie over & over again.
I hate when you are trapped at a function where you don’t know many people & wind up seeing someone you kind of know but would never bother talking to under normal circumstances…but only now you are so bored that you are actually considering it knowing full well this could end up being a painful mistake.
I always envy that daring, death-wish lovin idiot in the piece of shit car who whizzes past everyone doing 70 when the roads are really bad with snow.
Cell phones have come a long way. Now if they can just remove the ability to receive or make calls, they would be perfect.
I completely stopped making or eating anything with canned tuna because there is no way to wash the smell of it thoroughly enough from your hands in less than a day without turpentine.
To me, the Facebook Notifications page is a game where I try to click on as many "Accept" buttons as possible before the page changes.
I hate when you click a link on google & while you wait for the page to load, you realize there was an even better link just below what you chose but you aren't fast enough to click it or stop the current page from loading so you can get to it.
I go into a bit of a panic when a bar doesn't have red bull or jager, mainly because I've never thought of a backup plan.
I miss the days of albums with 2 sides. Each side was like a different experience. But, my nostalgia comes to a stop when I remember how much I hated repeatedly rewinding the side I liked best.
I hate when you are still reaching for a word to finish a sentence even though everyone already knows what you meant and stopped caring a while ago.
A moment of irony hit me tonight as I was going 85 on a busy highway, steering with my forearms, 2-thumb texting "drive safe" to my girlfriend above my steering wheel.
I went past a fire house where they had a sign saying "Your house number must be visible for us to help you." Well in case you have trouble finding me on my street...um, my house will be the one on that's on fire with smoke pouring out. Thanks.
I hate bathrooms where the wall behind the toilet is a full length mirror. Who was the perve who thought this up?
I think it's about time AOL retired the "you got mail" soundbite. Even my grandfather thought it was stupid.
When it comes to using plastic wrap, I suck. If your next life was awarded based on the merits of your mastery of Saran wrap, I would be a wart on the dick of a flea on the balls of a dog.
Shots are most always the villain in every whodunnit mystery story of your drunkenness. “I don’t know what happened to me last night. I only had 4 drinks and I even ate before I went out….ahhh yes, the shots.”
The condition of your wallet is always a letdown on Monday. It’s like someone took it for a joy-ride over the weekend, spent all your money, jammed in some receipts & other random shit, then put back your cards and ID in all messed up spots, if you can even find them at all...Damn you drunken stunt double!
I was going to say something to my roommate once I realized he was using my towel to wipe his face after brushing his teeth. But knowing that this was the same towel I use to dry my balls & ass on, it seemed justice was indeed served.
It makes me nuts when I'm a passenger in someone else's car & they get stuck at traffic lights that I totally wouldn't have gotten stuck at.
I probably find it too rewarding when I fast forward though a commercial break at top speed & stop perfectly at the moment when the show resumes. Ah, the little things...
Cmon, do we really need the first square of toilet paper glued down? Not all of us are surgeons out there.
Although I'm mostly proud, I'm always a tiny bit disappointed when I'm shopping with my girlfriend & realize that she's the hottest girl in the store she dragged me into.
As I stood outside the fitting room with the other helplessly stranded males for what seemed like an eternity, I realized that I was not there to help my girlfriend with "my input" as I was originally told. I was merely her human shopping cart.
If I have to say hello more than once when I answer the phone, I'm hanging up. I don't play the Verizon guy game.
I always wanted to go on either The Price is Right or Wheel of Fortune just to spin those wheels like a total psycho, hopefully making Sajack & Barker uncomfortable in the process.
Anytime I knock over stuff in the supermarket, whatever I pick up and put back has a direct relation to both my mood & the quantity of goods fallen.
I hate when you forget what the sauce or dressing is on the food you just ordered so you’re forced to play “what’s that taste” for the first minute you’re eating it.
It's a pretty helpless feeling when you’re waiting for what seems like an eternity for the thing you didn’t chew enough to gouge its way down your esophagus like a jagged boulder...and all you had to do to prevent this is not be a pig.
Even when nobody is around, I always feel embarrassed when a call on my cell silently disconnects & I realize I’ve been talking to nobody for the last minute or so.
Shouldn't zombies eventually have to poop from all the people they eat?
I'm always paranoid when I blow my nose that a booger flew out & is now stuck to me in a place I can't see.
Whenever I see someone driving the same car as me, I always feel the need to examine them as if I'm expecting to find something else we have in common.
I miss the moments with my ex where I purposely ignored what she was bitchin at me for...well knowing I was going to get called out on it, therefore making her much angrier as a result.
Sometimes I have a hard time finishing the pizza crust after having a slice or 2 but for some reason I can chow down a bread bowl of soup the size of Oprah’s head without a second thought.
God knows I want one, but nothing says “I probably drink & drive” more to a cop than a bottle opener on your trailer hitch.
I love when people feel the need to say that they're a good driver. That’s goes right up there with being a good chewer in my book.
What's up with the tiny little pockets in pants & jackets? I always figured it was for condoms.
I never respected close proximity of the H & K keys until I wrote “Suck a nice person” in an email to a client.
I hate when you realize you are drifting in a conversation so you feel compelled to ask a question you really don’t care about just to make it seem like you are paying attention.
I hate when you are talking to someone & they look up at your forehead for a second. Thanks for the forehead complex pal.
I'm pretty sure just about anybody above the age of 1 can whoop my helplessly tired ass in the few minutes between waking up and stumbling into the bathroom to shower.
Fuck you AM talk radio. The last thing I want to hear in the morning is someone having a great time while I’m on my way to work.
The only thing worse than holding for 20 minutes with the cable company to fix your channels & hanging up accidentally once they pick up is to immediately call back, hold another 30 minutes until they pick up & this time realize you have to go to the bathroom in a baaad way.
If diamonds are forever, then oil stains on your clothes from a slice of pizza are forever x2.
Breaking something when you are angry may be the wrong & the immature thing to do but nothing really satisfies you quite like that in the moment. A laptop may cause a little regret though...
Managing to say “Ok, bye.” in the middle of a phone conversation never stops being funny to me.
Having to end a good shower prematurely is like getting interrupted in the middle of sex. Shower minutes just shouldn't count against time.
The moment you lock the door behind you in a public single-person bathroom, you immediately begin a race against time in trying to finish up before the first person inevitably tries to open the door on you.
I always feel an inordinate amount of pressure to put everything away & drive the moment I get my cash when someone's behind me at a drive thru ATM. I usually wind up jamming the cash, card & receipt in a cup holder just to pull away...like an idiot.
Funny how the meaning of “being good” evolves as you get older. It goes from not drinking to drinking only on the weekends to drinking but without puking or blacking out.
I always wonder how some parts get cast in movies. I can just imagine bulletins that say “Read for the parts of the Hideously Ugly & Overweight Girl and for the Toothless, Senile Old Man who Poops Himself today at 4pm.” Someone out there is seeing this & says "Now that sounds like a part for me!"
I don't think the creepier stars of Hollywood have any true sense of how creepy they actually are to regular people.
The sound of an alarm clock going off still haunts me as if its the morning regardless of where or what time of the day I hear it. At night, in a movie, doesn’t matter. That sound can never stop soon enough.
It never feels right to shake a girls hand. The second I get into that limp coma-like handshake, I immediately feel awkward like I broke some sort of unspoken rule. Did I miss the memo that girls are excluded from hand shakes? I'm sticking with the "stand-back-&-wave-hi" from now on.
If you've ever tried to use a bandage made by any other company than Band Aid, you realize quickly that the industry is shady. Why is it that nobody comes even close to competing with Band Aid? How hard can it be to make a good bandage that comes off the wax properly and sticks without falling off? Johnson & Johnson is run by the mob. You heard it here first.
Anytime you try to plug something in without looking, you have a 50/50 shot that you are holding it the right way the first time. If that's true, how come it feels like you get the first attempt wrong 90% of the time?
I hate shopping for toothpaste. There’s like 10 variations per brand & no matter what I get, I feel like I'm missing out on some feature or I don't wind up getting the flavor I really wanted. Is it too much to ask to have multiple flavors of one toothpaste that does everything?
If the law was really serious about catching drunk drivers, shouldn't they just setup their checkpoints at every fast food drive thru after midnight on the weekends?
I wish there was a way to break to a commercial or fake a heart attack when you get a gift you don't like or need on xmas so you don't have to go through the pain of showing appreciation through your disappointment.
Has any guy ever ate a single serving size of cereal? Are you supposed to eat cereal out of a frickin ramekin or something? I eat cereal out of a salad serving bowl. Yeah I'm fat like that.
When I send you a funny email, there's no reason for you email back & tell me that was funny because I know it was. I'd rather know if it wasn't funny because that at least tells me you have no sense of humor.
I feel like refrigerators should never have to be cleaned but man they will eventually punish you if you don't.
I always feel a slight sense of failure when I can't figure out what someone's license plate means. I'll go so far as to play detective and start using their bumper stickers or things in the window as clues.
The only thing that can ruin the joy of sitting alone in your row on an airplane is a crying baby anywhere nearby. Damn near impossible torture without an ipod.
I wish I could get up & leave immediately from thanksgiving & xmas get-togethers when I was ready instead of taking 15-25 minutes to say goodbye to everyone.
I guess people who would still rather call than text do not appreciate the true value of saying everything you need without being interrupted or having to listen to anyone.
Don’t ever mark anything you send me urgent. Not text messages, emails or voicemails. Ever.
Sometimes I like to sit & marvel at how nice I can be to customers at work when I feel like it.
I'm always down for a good game of chicken with the empty gas tank light in my truck...but I hate when I forget to fill up afterwards so next time that game of chicken goes into sudden death overtime.
I can’t imagine old people being young & annoyed at old people. Guess I’m just an asshole.
Liquor before beer, in the clear. Beer before liquor, never sicker. I guess when it comes to wine you can do whatever the fuck you want?
I realized the other day that Californication now officially tops all shows for packing the most ridiculous amount of stuff into 30 minutes, and somehow it’s still actually really good.
I hate when you are so hungover that you can’t remember whether or not you already took Advil, so you just take more. Please liver, hang in there buddy.
I wish...no, I pray to god that one day you will be able to fast forward through wordy or slow people when they talk.
Way to feel like a loser #237 - Give someone the "what's up nod" in a public place only to realize you don't know them at all. You only thought you did because you see them at the gym all the time.
You know you are a proud veteran when you wake up the next morning to an open bottle of advil & an empty gatorade on your nightstand and you're feelin pretty damn good. The premptive strike prevails once again!
Whenever I see a Mini Cooper all I can think about is wanting to flip it over onto the roof & spinning it. And I feel like I totally can do it.
Once you've had a leak in one of your tires, you will always think they are losing air anytime your car has a slight tilt & still not bother to check it regardless.
Awkward = The 30 seconds it takes you to recognize someone as they look right at you because they’ve gained so much weight since the last time you saw them.
There's not much worse than taking that molten hot sip of coffee or tea & immediately knowing that besides the pain, you've just ruined your mouth for the rest of the week.
I hate when you sit at your desk at work & for some reason you start to get annoyed and impatient with everything only to realize it’s due to the fact you’ve been too busy to go to bathroom for a few hours.
Ever make a ridiculous face at your partner in total darkness during sex just because you can get away with it? If not, well now you have something new to think about.
There are those people who can leave after saying goodbye and those that need many many attempts over the course of the next hour to do it as you painfully yet respectfully wait to end the night.
I wish my interior light would know to shut itself off when I leave it on rather than punish me by draining my battery & stranding me where ever I am.
I wish there was a way to punch, roundhouse kick or backhand people in an email.
I’ve never been in jail but bending down to pick up soap in the shower still feels like a shameful experience.
When you accept friend requests on Facebook from people you never talked to in high school and still don't plan on talking to, it's like you are recreating high school all over again & apparently you are both ok with that.
I hate when you think someone you don't really know is a shithead only to feel like a dick when you find out for yourself later on that they are actually pretty cool.
I know other people may not like this but I like signing notes at work with a big fat first initial. It makes me feel like Zorro. Fuck you. -D
I always knew this day would come & finally it has. I mixed vodka with a fruity protein drink over the weekend because I had nothing else & I loved it. It's so wrong. But in a way, so right.
I knew a girl that wrote “sortive” when she meant “sort of”. At first I didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't a word but then it just became really funny to me to the point I would bait her into writing it. I'm already going to hell so whatever.
Why is it that you will reek more from an onion bagel than you will from onions on a sandwich?
I don't need to know that you were going to "tell me something, but forgot" & we really don't need to sit there until you remember either. I have much better things to do such as "anything else."
It has come to my attention that guys will hit snooze a few times in the morning but girls will tend to outdo that number by at least five or six hundred.
Why does it feel good to lock into a blank stare at nothing? It's as if you don't even want to move your head an inch until you're good & ready...or about to creep someone out.
Part of the fun of getting older is telling your parents the things that you got away with when you were younger…kind of like when I told my mom recently that I used to drive her car in & out of the garage for fun when I was 11.
Today I was approached not once but twice by Home Depot employees who asked me if I needed help finding something before I even started looking. Yeah, it freaked me the fuck out too.
How did people ever live through waiting for anything before there was texting & cellphones with games?
We should have the lasers from War of the Worlds to take care of the idiots who try to drive in reverse on highway shoulders so they can get to the exit they missed. Trust me, you don’t need to live.
Thanks to low rise women’s jeans, I’ve seen more public ass crack & thongs in the last 3 years than in my entire life….most of which I could have done without.
There’s so much bullshit & crying on the Ultimate Fighter reality show it should be renamed the Ultimate Baby.
I saw a picture of a street sign by a crosswalk in Japan that read “Don’t Text While Crossing.” After I was done laughing at the image of people being mowed down while texting, I wondered how many accidents does it actually take to warrant a sign like that?
I love that frail, wannabe napkin that comes in the wrapped plasticware kit given out by most chain restaurants with takeout food. If you're lucky enough for it to last long enough to wipe your face after your hands, you get a face full of pepper stench as a bonus. Thanks!
I just realized the other day that I still have a bunch of VCR movies but haven't actually had a VCR in years.
Funny how when someone almost hits you when you're driving, you become the enraged tough guy but when you almost hit someone, you immediately become the little worm who avoids eye contact at all costs or probably acts like you did nothing wrong at all.
Sometimes when I open a website & it takes too long, I’ll open up another site in another tab just so I don’t have to be stuck waiting for the first one to load up with nothing to do.
The manager of a car dealer told me the other day that his financing rates were "competesive" with that of my bank. At that moment I knew that his vocabulary was not "competesive" with mine.
Sneakers & dress pants?? No. Be a man & buy some fucking shoes for christ's sake.
People who wear Ed Hardy t-shirts at the gym...Really??
Listen, I don't need to know that "all your representatives are busy" over & over again when I hold because it makes me think that a live person is picking up when the music stops. Just play your miserable music & stop messing with me.
I realized today I automatically make a face at myself everytime I look into the bathroom mirror in the morning.
Heidi Klum may be hot but she sounds just like a Femme-Bot right out of an Austin Powers movie.
It's such a letdown when you're at work & you visit your handful of usual sites and nothing changes on them from the previous visit. It's like the world is standing still & there you are, stuck looking for another way to appear busy.
I love how when you trip in public, you act like you don't care even though you feel like a total schmuck.
Why is it that the song that gets stuck in your head is never one you want to hear? Case in point, I woke up to Bohemian Rhapsody this morning.
Whatever happened to just a regular handshake? You never know when you're going to be faced with the pound or the grip over the thumb shake or the handshake into the finger snap. It's fuckin ridiculous. We're not baseball players or 9 year old girls, just shake my fuckin hand.
I got called out by a dental assistant the other day. She said “you don’t floss much do you”
Listen, if everyone had stellar teeth, you’d have no job so I think a little more appreciation for my teeth is in order...& p.s. flossing sucks
How old do I have to get before I stop thinking that anyone on tv or in movies (other than teenagers or kids) is older than me?
I love how toilet paper companies advertise how many sheets they have per roll when "A" - Who the fuck uses just 1 sheet? & "B" - Who bothers to count how many they use each time? Why not make a paper that's five times thicker & twice as wide so we don't have to use 4 feet at at time?
I love when you are with a client & at some point they sneeze into the same hand you shook when they arrived. I can't wait for that handful of germs on the way out, thanks! I better get your business or or a stink palm is in your future courtesy of yours truly.
I caught myself looking for the dvr remote to rewind a few times at the movies today. I never thought I'd have to remind myself to pay attention at the movies & I also contemplated never going again because of the barbaric inconvenience.
I hate to break the news but as you get older, "happy hour fridays" eventually get replaced by "laundry night while drinking at home fridays". Not sure what comes next but this much I know so far.
I thought I've seen everything until on the way home from work today, I saw a guy feverishly brushing his teeth while driving. I watched for a few solid minutes & didn't see him spit once. Many thoughts & questions came to mind, none of which I had a good answer for.
Let's just take a minute to reflect on the importance of the ignore button on cellphones. "Bad area" & "had my phone off" still live on as excuses because of you.
If I don't get a forewarning text before someone calls me, the calls definitely not happening. I need a more little notice before any facet of my life is suddenly interrupted at your command.
When I see that is a show is on 9/8c, I always think that it sucks for the central time zone people that they have to do the math or pay attention to the second time.
What do people have against a courtesy flush? Is there a benefit to marinating in your own stink that I'm unaware of?
Rubbernecking should be a violation of the law punishable by execution with a bow & serrated arrow then followed with a sentence in hell where they are stuck in traffic for eternity.
I hate leaving voicemails & the few times I do I’m always tortured by waiting for the instructions to finish after the outgoing message. If anyone still needs instructions on how to leave a message, you should kill yourself asap.
By the way, not only does that song that plays instead of ringing when I call your phone SUCK, you are obnoxious for making everyone listen to it.
Whenever I text something to someone that insults somebody else, I always go into a panic & check that it was sent to the right person like 10x, even though I checked it 10x before I sent it.
Clubber Lang is the baddest of movie bad asses, period.
I vote we replace the pathetic brow-raise people do when they pass each other & have nothing to say with giving each other the finger.
I realized the other day that Chapstick is one of the best purchases for the money ever. It's dirt cheap & lasts forever if you don't lose it first. Chapped lips are really fuckin miserable. Ask yourself how much would you pay for Chapstick if you really, really had to? Scary.
What’s the etiquette with telling a new business prospect that there’s a spider on them?
A prospective client was in the middle of talking when I noticed a pretty big spider crawling along on his shiny bald head.
I was so creeped out but yet entertained that I almost exploded.
What made it worse was that my boss, who was right next to me, didn’t say a damn thing & I know his ass saw it. After what felt like an eternity, I was able to pull it together & tell him. It took 10 minutes but I think I did the right thing.
What's up with stores that have 2 glass doors where one of them is always locked & no indication of which one to open? Is someone with a hidden camera getting off on counting the amount of people that tug or push on the wrong door like a retard? I'll smack you if I find you.
How bad does it suck when you go to put on your stick deodorant & it totally falls out on the floor because it's at the end? You know the rest of the story from there.
If you wear your hat any other way other than straight forward or backward, trust me, you are a tool.
Mom,
I love you but please STOP FORWARDING ME 5 PARAGRAPH JOKES! I couldn't make it through that no matter how hard I tried, ADD or not.
Love, me
How come it's illegal to jam your gas cap in the pump handle to keep the flow at a self-serve gas station yet full-serve pumps have the damn kickstand already in them for the employees? Do we need a master degree in freakin gas pumping or something to be trusted to use that trick?
Were office water coolers designed for oompa loompas? I'm not even that tall but I feel like King Kong when I get a drink.
How many times have you been forced to sneeze straight onto your steering wheel? What else are you going to do? If you cover your mouth with your hand, now you have one hand to drive and somehow wipe off your other hand at the same time unless you just put your sneezy hand back on the wheel which is basically the same thing. Nice thought when you drive someone else's car.
And what's up with people who flutter & roll their eyes back in their head like the exorcist for no apparent reason when they answer a question? Is there some sort of birth defect I missed back in health class?
Ever notice how someone can continuously bob their head for minutes at a time like a freakin bobble head doll when nodding in acknowledgement or agreement with something? The crazy chic Lisa from the latest Next Food Network Star is one of those. They should all be forced to wear a neck brace until they stop.
Ever get jealous of monkeys because their feet are like hands? How awesome it would be to have 2 more hands to drink & eat with while playing video games?
Ever notice how once you turn 29, anytime you tell someone your age it comes out like an apology? It almost warrants someone to follow it with a sincere "Oh...I'm sorry."
There are 2 kinds of people. Those that read every forwarded email they receive & those that delete them the second the email appears to be over 11 words or is about god or close friends.
In continuance with the umbrella talk lately...what in the world happens to these things when we're not using them? It works great a few times & one day weeks or months later (if you haven't already lost it by then) you go to open it and it looks like something you had to wrestle away from a homeless person. I'll spend thousands on a tv but I just can't stomach paying over $10 on a damn umbrella.
I love when I race to get in front of someone on the road then wind up at the same light & the person glares at you as if to say "Happy now?" and I glare back "Fuckin-a right I am" then get right back in front of them the second the light changes.
You're stuck in traffic, you switch lanes & get all giddy that your lane is moving then BAM. It stops & the fucker that was ahead of you in the other lane whizzes way past your ass like a comet. It never, ever fails.
Once you reply to an email with a Blackberry or iPhone signature, you are pretty much giving up your last excuse not to get back to someone quickly. When I get that email from clients, I'm like "Now I got you."
If you spit when you talk, I punch when I breathe.
Why do restaurants still continue to make their own bland form of rice when any flavor of Rice-A-Roni rocks it out of the park? They're mass-producing multiple flavors for christ's sake & you can't even figure out one?? Cmon
Am I the only one who gets overly angry when I can't open bag of chips or some other snack? It's like its trying to make you earn your right to eat it while ridiculing you in the process.
Hopefully Ruminations will have a support group for the people who are inevitably going to be fired due to the increased lack of production at work as a direct result of this site.
I feel like someone should have credit for inventing the PB&J sandwich and that person should be a household name,
For all you people who try & pay for something with a card and it's declined, save us the "surprised" song & dance. Put on your dunce cap, pay cash & move your broke ass along.
"Disoriented" or "Disorientated" ?? There's not enough room for both. I'm at the point I don't even know how to use this word anymore & cringe when its used. Pick one. Thanks.
Fact, every guy gets pee on themself at some point when using a urinal. Pick any spot you want in it & don't kid yourself, you are somehow getting a splash. I'm not saying its a tidal wave, but even a few small speckles is just not acceptable to me. Sure, its sterile & you hopefully wash your hands but what about your pants or shoes? It's time men stood up for themselves, stopped accepting these minor involuntary golden showers & come up with a better contraption.
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