Ruminations
When you hear someone drunkenly exclaim, "I don't give a fuck", be aware. Something is about to be broken.
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Was I the only kid who was super anxiety issues when it came time for the deaf test? "Oh shit...am I supposed to be hearing a beep now? ..Why the fuck did they wait until 5th grade to make sure I'm not deaf?"
I wish someone would tell Ringo to stop making music so I could quit feeling obligated to like him.
When someone says, "let's just agree to disagree", what they're really saying is, "I feel like I've already won this argument and now I'm tired of talking to you."
If you're asking a Magic 8 Ball if you will ever get laid, stop. You already know the answer.
Hey, McDonald's? You can't wrap anything in a tortilla and market it as healthy. Just so you know.
Instead of attaching a piece of string in a plastic envelope, how about you just make a sweater that won't fall apart the first time I wear it? If I wanted to sew my own sweater, I wouldn't have wasted my damn money.
iTunes, you suck. 3500 songs, and you pick the shittiest 20 to "randomly" play. Every time. Clearly, you have no taste.
Wait, National Hangover Day is New Years Day? I always thought it was just Sunday...
Absolutely do not stop me in public to babble at my baby. I have shit to do, and she knows enough non-words already.
Getting a slide phone out of the pocket of tight jeans means you are forced to take the call. Every time. Damn it.
The most beautiful sight is watching someone who ridiculed your dislike of winter weather fall face-first into a pile of snow. How do you feel about the cold now?
The holidays have created a new kind of zombie: Morning coffee drinkers who've stayed at relative's caffeine-free homes. You've been warned.
I love that how vacuuming, in the eyes of children, is the equivalent of mom doing intense battle with a floor-eating monster.
Oh 10p.m. fresh pot of coffee, you are a shining symbol for the start of finals week.
An ad for an online role-playing game says: Build your kingdom and make friends. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think these two things are mutually exclusive.
Do you know anyone who can go through an entire bottle of stain remover in a week? I do. She's 8 months old.
Sometimes I determine whether jeans are okay for a second wear not by looking for a noticeable spot, but by counting the total number of noticeable spots.
I realized today that, in my apartment, my stove's back-splash is my living room. That's kind of disgusting, isn't it?
Every Monday and Wednesday I seriously consider skipping my 3p.m. class to listen to All Things Considered. Honestly, it'd probably be more educational.
You know what the most annoying thing ever is? When someone doesn't fill the ice tray completely, and you have all those little half-cube's teasing you because you can't get them out with your fingers.
Brownies just never seem that appetizing after eating half the bowl of mix.
When I realize my supply of caffeinated beverages is low, I typically have a mild panic attack.
You know the line in that Miley Cyrus song, "and a Britney song was on"?
Would that be considered meta-pop?
When you spend 10 minutes at your front door, attempting to use your car's unlock button to open it, well...it's just embarrassing.
When I was younger, I used to think it was hilarious when my dad would pretend to back out of a parking spot to watch people race to our space. Now a driver, I've learned how shitty that was.
Was I the only person who thought it was funny to purposely mix up the message being passed in that Telephone game?
Dear husband, when I vowed to support you in all you do, wearing socks and sandals was an unspoken exception.
Try as I might, no amount of sucking in my stomach will ever make my hips look smaller in pictures.
Does anyone else pick up on that bit of pretension surrounding the recycling center? Like people are standing around waiting on the Earth to pat them on the back and say, "Thanks, man. I'm proud of you."
It drives me crazy when people say "Have a good one." Is it really that much easier to say "one" than "day"?
When people attempt to one-up you in a story exchange, I find it best to go with the elementary retort of: "I did that infinity times two."
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