Ruminations
The fact that both Hummers and Priuses exist shows that douchiness comes in all sizes and political agendas.
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Apparently John Travolta is planning to send Scientology ministers to Haiti to help them out. Way to kick them while they're down, Travolta.
Why does everyone think that George Clooney is so hot? He looks like someone's soon-to-be-retired uncle who hits on all the underage nieces during the holidays.
I think the symbolism of wedding rings isn't so much that your marriage is going to be like a never-ending circle, but more so that from here on out you'll be wasting large amounts of money on each other.
Does the fact that I got my cousin's wife's Christmas present from Petco make her or me the bitch?
Shouldn't locksmiths be the ultimate burglars?
A rapper saying that they're "all about music" is like a psychic saying they're "all about science."
Why do people on Urban Dictionary just make up random bullshit expressions? "Elf-esteem?" I don't think I've ever heard anyone use that in a conversation, sorry.
Why is it that when girls party too much, get drunk all the time, and screw random people, they're considered sluts, but when you throw in some community service and put them in a house together, they're now a respectable sorority?
No matter how old I get, if you tell me what you bought me before it's actually my birthday, I'll hate you forever.
Jesus Christ, asshole. Could you not have waited for me to say "Goodnight, TTY soon" before logging off?
It's pneumonia, not ammonia. Unless you possess cat piss or fertilizer, you don't not have ammonia.
Being new to Myspace is like being new to analog cable: You're too late, we've already moved on.
Radio stations shouldn't be allowed to play Miley Cyrus after 10pm. By that time, her two main audiences are either already in bed or watching porn while their wife is asleep in the other room.
If you're in college and wearing Abercrombie, Hollister, or Pink, you're probably not smart enough to be there.
If you ever use the word "hip" to mean cool, you're officially old.
Nothing's more agonizing than the moment you wake up late and have to look at your phone to see just how late you are.
Is it even possible to take bumper stickers off?
I feel like an asshat every time I make the little walking motion with my fingers when I ask someone if they want to walk with me somewhere.
I love how I always twist statistics so that they'll work for me. 21% admission rate for USC? Fuck yeah, I'll definitely get in! 30% chance of a marriage succeeding? Ah, I don't know, that's a bit of a gamble. I'll pass.
If you ever use the "If you love me, you'll do it" argument with me, I can guarantee that I won't do whatever it is you're asking.
Apparently when someone asks what your favorite thing to do is, "My boyfriend" isn't an acceptable answer.
Dude, it's summer. And we live in LA. And we're in a 7am class. So why/how the hell are you so fucking dressed up?
Why are princes and princesses of other countries always so hideous? Are they *trying* to make sure that if someone marries them, it's only for their money?
You know you're going to have a bad day when you drop the two eggrolls you were gonna have for breakfast on the floor, and your dog eats one and steps on the other.
I hate when I tell someone I'm straightedge and they say "Just try a drink and a cig, and you'll be over that bullshit!" Uh, no. I've had the drink and the cig, which is WHY I'm straightedge.
Trying to be nice, I emailed my ex "Happy 20th Birthday!" I got back "Thanks, you heartbreaking bitch."...okay, let's revise this: "Happy 20th Birthday. Hope it's your last, fuckhead."
Today, a chick walked into my class with a semi-mullet, overalls, and heels. Dear god, where to start with this one...
I find it very sad that whenever someone asks for my birth year, I automatically begin to tell them the one on my fake ID. "What year were you born?" "Nineteen eigh- ummm ninety two. Ninety two. Right."
If you sneeze or cough into your hand and not your elbow, I will never shake hands with you or take anything from you. Ever.
It sucks when you're arguing with someone and you use the wrong word and end up looking like a complete idiot. "God, why do you have to be such a fucking bigot?!" "Huh?" "Oh, I meant hypocrite. Fucking whatever! Anyway..."
If you ever call me "doll" or "broad," this friendship is officially over.
I just realized that I can order food online and then pick it up later to avoid paying up the ass for the tip.
I hate when I add butter to my popcorn and the pieces get all soggy and shrunken.
Nothing makes me feel like more of an asshat than starting a sentence with "My boyfriend..."
If we're arguing and you finish a sentence with "but thanks for your concern" then you're officially an immature douchebag.
One of the kids I'm stuck babysitting just ate half of my stick of butter....yeah I'm definitely seeing some weight issues in her future.
How is it that I love coffee and hate cigarettes, when they have almost exactly the same aftertaste?
Starbucks really needs to do something about those damn caps on their bottled frappucinos. The last thing I need when I'm dead tired and craving caffeine is to fight to screw the cap on perfectly, or risk a lap full of coffee.
Every time I see a parked car with those old-fashioned sun protectors on the windows, I can't help but assume people are inside hooking up.
I find it extremely sad that the girl who does my mani/pedi has a nicer phone than I do.
I hate when I'm at a buffet with a friend and they go back for more food, so I'm stuck at the table looking like a loner who eats like a pig.
If I tell you I'm a vegetarian because I'm against killing animals and you say "Well, you kill plants too!" then you're officially considered a major asshat.
I hate when I tell a guy my age and he says "man, I can't wait until you're legal!" Why? Just because I'll be able to date you then doesn't mean you'll have anything more than the slim chance that you have now...
My name is MariNa, not Maria. So if you start singing that shitty Carlos Santana song to me when I tell you my name, I can guarantee that you'll be on my shit list for life.
I know I'm running out of clothes when I have to use my high school graduation honors sash as a belt.
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