Ruminations
I know it creeps some people out, but I have absolutely no problem chatting while one or both of us is on the toilet.
5 
There's a group of guys in my office who seem to forget that we work in a maze of cubes where sound travels all over. Today one of them came in and showed the others his custom-made gun and then whisper-yelled about how sweet it was and how fun it would be to shoot. Um...guys...we can all hear you. Also: I want to move my desk.
I'm baffled by the gas company's method of "guessing" how much gas we'll use month to month. Why would December's estimate ever be a fraction of November's? As far as I know we're not expected to turn the heat off and start building fires around the house.
I always feel a little indignant when I say "bless you" consistently to someone and they don't say it to me when I sneeze. What, too good to bless me? Just taking all the blessings for yourself? Fuck you, buddy! It's a two-way street!
Why, yes, I do know the song "Prince Ali" from Disney's Aladdin word-for-word. Doesn't everyone?
Leaving my cubicle and going outside on a sunny day is a lot like being born: I'm scared, blind and disoriented to the point of crying.
Do you ever feel more attractive than when there are big fluffy snowflakes caught in your hair?
Saw the new Bond film last night. I get that the American Advertising Machine is alive and well, but I was still astounded/disgusted at how many shiny Fords they stuck him in. Should have saved their money...a Ford will never be as sexy or cool as an Aston Martin, even with a hunk of man meat like Daniel Craig behind the wheel.
My office takes confidentiality very seriously, so everything has to be shredded before it goes into the recycling. Naturally, the confidential documents waiting to be shredded are sitting in a cardboard box labeled "IMPORTANT FILES TO BE SHREDDED." Now, I'm just a dumb temp, but...
I'm baffled by people who claim to hate jug handles. You know what I think is stupid? Stopping on the highway to make a left turn.
I'm as rabid a fan of Google as other people are of Mac. iPhone...meh...but G1...OMFG YES! I'd buy a chunk of wood if Google was involved with it somehow. Google Plank? Yes, sir, I'll take ten.
Using a paper shredder makes me feel like a spy, destroying important documents. But when I realize I'm not, my disappointment makes me destructive. What would happen if I put a pair of scissors through the shredder? Or a plant? Or my keys?
It smells like syrup in the office this morning. And bacon. Hey, asshole, don't bring yourself a nice breakfast if you don't have enough to share with the class.
I used to blame my parents for my hyphenated last name, but now I realize it's not their fault. It's the rest of the English-speaking world that falls apart when confronted with that teeny tiny little line. "What do we do with this?" they cry, pulling their hair out. I live in fear of being arrested for stealing my own identity because my bank has no contingency for dealing with a hyphen. People, you make it so much harder than it needs to be.
Dear jerk on the bus: if you see me trying to exit and you don't make an honest effort to get out of the way, it's well within my rights to stomp on your foot or hip-check you as I pass.
Dear person who wants to appear health conscious: no one wants to hear you talk about how much exercising you'll need to do to work off the dinner you ordered of your own free will. Just admit you're jealous of how deliciously unhealthy my meal is. Mmm...grease!
Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, stressful work weeks: there's always time for an episode of America's Next Top Model.
Wearing prescription glasses when it's raining or snowing is one of the universe's most horribly cruel jokes. Look, we're already crippled visually. We don't need the added insult of wet lenses and blindness on top of blindness.
I've reached the point in my day where I'm tired of wearing a bra. I even like my bra, but it doesn't matter. I'm done. That's it. Enough. I'll do whatever you want, I'll finish this data entry project even though my eyes and fingers are bleeding. Anything to escape the clutches of this contraption.
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