Ruminations
4 
Spray painting my AMEX black did not provide the celebrity treatment I was hoping for.
"Warning: Page has expired." Seriously? Is this website made of Half & Half?
Why did "can" get the honor of describing two different parts of the female body?
I wish I could find a Get Rich at a Medium Speed scheme. Quick sounds like a lot of work.
I have a porn "discussion" with my girlfriend everytime my history pops up as she tries to type in a website that begins with P, S, F, C, or W.
Try as I might, my keys and phone always end up in the same god damn pocket.
My friend wanted me to mail him a check. What's next, Pony Express you a Silver Certificate? It's called PayPal dude.
I know an email chain is getting good when everyone wants it switched from their work email to their Gmail account.
If you can't tell the difference between women's sunglasses and men's sunglasses, don't wear any.
Handjobs are the door prize of life. I really wanted 1st place, but fuck, I'm not too proud to take it.
They say most relationship troubles are related to money problems. Mine are related to my farts.
I think its time for college basketball fans to work on a new cheer, besides "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!"
I still don't know the difference between "this weekend" and "next weekend".
My nickname in college was the "Dirty Stay-out". I'll let you put that together.
So some naked pictures of Santonio Homes were posted online after his Superbowl win. Jesus Christ, if you put a polo shirt on that thing it looks exactly like Kanye West.
I used to agree with most of my friends in thinking that strip clubs are not that fun and actually kinda depressing. Then I went again. What a bunch of idiots.
If your boyfriend describes one of your friends as "cute", it means he wants to bang her.
If I write an email to a one-armed guy, should I expect to wait twice as long for a reply?
Is there a one-word way to say I used an elliptical machine at the gym? I didn't "run", per se, did I elipticaled?
How does my girlfriend not literally cook her flesh showering at the temperature setting she uses? Romantic showers are more like medieval torture methods that would send any normal person to the closest Shriners hospital.
I'm sorry, but deep down I question the motives of the Salvation Army bell ringer and wonder if he can really be trusted with a pot full of money hanging on a tripod.
Christmas; the world's only successful pyramid scheme.
Thank you iPhone, for providing a socially acceptably alternative to bringing my laptop into the shitter.
The iPhone claims to bring together the features of the cellphone and the iPod into one sleek package. Personally, I haven't listened to music or used the actual phone feature on it for at least two weeks.
Why do elderly people put even the smallest bag of groceries into the trunk? That Buick doesn't have room in the back seat for a quart of milk and a loaf of pumpernickel?
Why don't they make the fortune itself edible, and then just give me that part of the cookie?
I have made "We will not have kids until we are 40" alliances with several friends.
Besides the pumpkin, fat people have limited options for Halloween costumes.
Episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond were never that funny, but now that I'm in a serious relationship, they've become horribly depressing.
Possibly worse than the Walk of Shame is the frantic hunt for your underwear using your cell phone as a flashlight that happened about 10 minutes before you snuck out.
They should make that string you use to tighten your gym shorts waterproof, and by that I mean pee-proof.
Is the painful hat-head effect of business socks on my leg hair a work related injury?
The best part about HD sports is spotting hot chicks in the crowd.
My IM vocabulary is drastically limited by my spelling ability.
I find myself oddly turned on by Subway's five dollar foot-long commercials.
If you have to open the door to use a drive-up ATM, you might be an idiot. If the transaction takes more than 35 seconds, you might be an asshole.
I've realized that politics are a lot like my redneck cousin Chucky. They are both dumb and going nowhere.
FYI: When I say I laughed out loud, I really mean that I made a kinda loud outward breath through my nostrils, similar to a bull.
For the record, thinking that something is funny is much different than actually laughing out loud. Abusing LOL isnt cute, its fucking lying.
The spell check on my email tried to replace "Oktoberfest" with "Soberfest", nice try Outlook, you are waaaay off.
"Pizzeria Uno" Italian for "It takes you only once to realize this place blows".
My boss commented on some extra work I had done and I jokingly replied "Just adding another bullet point to the 'ol resume." Which he quickly added "Well, you just added one to your termination letter." Things have been slightly awkward.
Having the ability to press the 'forward' button in your email client does not qualify you to share your political opinions with the entire office.
If you don't include my original email in your reply, I have no idea what you are talking about.
When you distribute an online photo album, I am really only interested in the pictures of me.
The moment you realize "I need to buy a plunger", its already too late.
When someone misspells an easy word in an email or chat I immediately look at the keyboard in an effort to justify their mistake. You just put an 'I' where it should be an 'O', I can see how that could happen. 'Ass' instead of 'ask'? You need to get laid.
The longer its been since I've gotten laid the more "unusual" my porn choices become.
Crazy dancing banner ad lady: No one is that excited that "The Fed has dropped interest rates".
When I go to make an online purchase, Afghanistan is always the first option for country. Seriously? Like Osama is sitting in some Wi-Fi hotspot in Kabul trying to upgrade to premium fantasy football? No, I am.
My MySpace page is like an old Gap credit card. I never use it, it has an address from three apartments ago, and it will probably lead to identity theft.
Johnny Cash = anyone at work who, for some reason, has decided to wear a black shirt and black pants for the day. Way to go JC, whens the next concert? Dumbass.
I've recently moved in with my GF and we bought a ton of IKEA furniture. After putting it all together I realized something. Fuck IKEA.
Why are all my girlfriend's ex-boyfriends total douchebags?
I think pretending to work is becoming more of a hassle than the job itself...
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Are old pennies part of the brewing process for PBR?
I'm sorry to cut you short sir but I'm running late for a very important Friday meeting, its called The Weekend. Yeah, and unfortunately it starts at 4:30 this week.
Do you remember when the only way to get internet porn was in AOL room names GIF, GIF1, GIF2, etc?
A paperclip makes a terrible substitute for a toothpick.
Is it necessary to differentiate between the guest and merchant copy? I just spent thirty minutes splitting this tab between 14 people who somehow manage to only have $20's on them and now realize I filled everything out on the guest copy. Oh and great, the fucking gratuity WAS included. Who's got change for a $20?
I don't have any kids so do you think I can just have a few friends stop by during work? They can yell and scream and run around while you all try and get your work done. Then you can all gather round them and watch as they tear apart a file cabinet full of important documents and make jokes about how they will be such savvy business men when they grow up. How does that sound? And for the record, I wore that exact light blue polo to work last week and not one of you said I looked adorable.
I'm moving into a new place with my girlfriend soon. Its kind of a big step and I have a lot of stuff to remember to do. I have to put the toilet seat down, pick up my dirty underwear and also erase the history, delete all cookies and make sure all folders are set to "hidden" after looking at porn on the computer.
It can be depressing when you are at a bar and you have to wait until your paycheck has been direct deposited at midnight the day before payday so you can close your tab. But at least tomorrow is casual Friday so you can save money by not washing your one pair of dress pants.
The international sign for "You are being kinda gay" is to extend an arm with your hand bent about 90 degrees to show a limp wrist, sometimes paired with your free hand pointing at the wrist. Unfortunately this is also the international sign for "I think I broke my wrist".
If you habitually use Facebook's Wall-to-Wall messaging feature you are like the guy in my office who makes all his calls on speaker phone. A habitual asshole.
While typing my Ruminations there is always a pic of Karo staring at me, and I get a little intimidated like he's saying "Hey asshole, lets make this one worthwhile, you know I have to read each one of these right?".
Still being the "new guy" at the office I have the worst cube real estate, its the plot right next to the copier, printer and fax. So not only does everyone know that my Bank of America account is at -$35.16, they also want to borrow my pen stapler or staple remover and hover over me while they use it. Listen, have you ever tried to schedule BillPay for seven credit cards? NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO INTERRUPT ME DIANE! Oh sure, run to HR you little narc.
Hey Bride, you don't know me all that well seems how I'm your husband's friend and since you two met the only time I've seen him was his bachelor party, but when you pair up the change-your-outlook-on-life-hot bridesmaid with the married guy groomsman, you are being a serious cunt. I opted out of the +1 okay, that gives me dibs, tell your brother to fuck off.
Alcoholism has to be relative. What are the chances that ALL my friends are drunks?
Facebook requests are like the new call back. In Swingers they wait 6 days to call the girls they met, because they are cool. I'm exactly the same as before. I wait till 3AM the next morning but instead of scrolling through my phone book I'm trying to remember which of my friends she knows, and if it was Sara or Kara.
You never realize what you are missing until you really need it badly, like when the truck in front of you empties a pot hole of road barf onto your windshield and you get that last little spittle of wiper fluid to come out as your blades paint it accross your field of vision. Or when you go to dial 1-800-BLOWJOB on speaker phone for your drunk buddies only to realize that Blackberry has completely fucked any telephone number that includes letters.
Ever text someone only to have them call back 5 seconds later? I obviously can't talk now but still need to know what you want at the booze store. Now everyone at Dark Knight knows I'm the asshole with the Mambo #5 ringtone. (Props to TheKing for the inspiration on this)
I find it crazy that some comedians actually need to hire lawyers to review their material and make sure no one else has made the joke already. Like when I wanted to make a brimless baseball cap so it could look like you were wearing a fitted hat backwards from all angles. Then next week it was on Hanging With Mr. Cooper. I would have looked like an IDIOT.
I hate when you are walking into work purposely timing your steps to avoid any human contact on your way in until you get a cup of coffee in your system and you are not really that close to the person in front of you but for some reason they decide to hold the door. So now I have to do this dumb dress shoe jog up to the entrance while holding back an up-yours scowl and instead presenting a toothless all lips thank you smile because some c#nty b!tch wanted to be "nice". Gee, thanks for saving me the trouble of opening a door, @ss.
Should I be afraid of Craigslist? I would never walk down a ghetto alley to peruse the selection at the local pawn shop. However I have no trouble buying a used coffee table from a smoke and pet free stranger right next to a link that would help me find a local prostitute or transvestite looking for a group of men. Plus I will meet you at your apartment with a wad of cash. But its okay because I searched your email on Facebook and you look hot.
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