Ruminations
I feel cheated when I get on a plane with male flight attendants.
2 
I hate seeing quotes with more than one person credited for them. What, did they say it at the exact same time?
I give my friends bonus points for creativity when they attempt to make up a really good excuse for not hanging out. "Sorry, bro, my ex came by saying she was pregnant and her water broke in front of me..." Say no more. Next round is on me.
Every group has that one friend that doesn't ever contribute to the conversations and just laughs at everything.
Watching old people use facebook is like watching the worst movie you can imagine in slow motion.
I'm pretty sure my neighbors physically fight on a regular basis, which is none of my business. I just want the girl to stop throwing the guy against the wall so often. I really don't want to have to move my TV to another side of the room.
It kind of makes me wonder why the judge postponed Lil Wayne's sentencing for some dental work. I had no idea the legal system were such strong dental hygiene advocates.
I believe I generally have my priorities in the right place. However, when my cell phone bill is pretty close to the first of the month? Sorry, landlord go ahead and tack on that extra 50 bucks for late payment.
I absolutely hate it when you put a quote on FaceBook and there is always that one person that doesn't quite get the joke and takes it as a legitimate concern."No, Mom, there really isn't a tiger in my bathroom. It's from a mov...nevermind."
I think one of the scariest things about being married is the thought of sharing an email address. That alone keeps me from making a very expensive mistake.
I wonder if Groundhog Day is a day off for most meteorologists.
I don't see why people still have those signatures that show up in every text message. Oh, is that just in case my caller ID is ever wrong?
When I'm in a new city bar or club, I have no problem getting out and dancing. My current city, however, forget about it. You'll see me against the wall, drink in hand, bobbing my head with the rest of the 'grown-ups.'
Harrison Ford is in Wichita right now. I feel it is my duty to ask him how much of his dignity was shattered to be aboard the train-wreck of a movie we've all come to know as Hollywood Homicide?
I hate those commercials that advertise products that are lightweight by having a woman pick it up. Maybe it's just me but some of those vacuum cleaners look pretty heavy. I should hit the gym.
I hate those old friends that reconnect with you only to tell you how much they've "changed". Seriously, why are you looking to me for positive reinforcement? I still drink and have sex with strangers. Go talk that shit somewhere else.
Refilling my candy dish at work has become something I need to work into my budget.
I hate that bite of the sandwich that isn't small enough to fit into your mouth without looking like a glutton but small enough that with one false move, you lose all the insides and look like a fool. It's one of the toughest decisions in life.
If someone says, "I didn't feel much of a spark," simply means the drinks weren't strong enough.
Thanks, Bank teller, for making me a target by yelling out how much money I'm walking out with.
Christmas is over. That means take down the decorations, red and green must be retired from your wardrobe, and most of all, the holiday music needs to disappear! I wish I never introduced my boss to Pandora.
Don't get attached? Seriously, dude? Those "words of wisdom" can easily be applied to your life judging by the monstrosities you go home with at the end of the night.
Have you ever noticed how people tap on the car when they get out of it on TV? If anyone ever does that to mine they are getting run over and I'm fleeing the scene.
People have been asking me how old I am today. Apparently they don't think it's funny hearing that the guy that cuts their checks just turned 18. Makes me chuckle.
Aww! No more Tiger Gatorade? Sorry buddy, there's always malt liquor.
If you are IMing me about how well your team played today, get in the path of oncoming traffic. You're already in front of a computer. Look for yourself, you goon.
I hate the number nine. Always have. It goes all the way back to the original Nintendo days. Mario could only get 99 lives. God, did that piss me off.
Oh, you want me to be a good neighbor and help you scrape ice off your windshield, old woman? This isn't State Farm. Should have thought about that before you filed a noise complaint on me last month. Call a grandson or something. I'm going to work.
They really need to put tracking devices on bank cards so I know which bar to call when I forget to pay my tab.
If the actors in the movie could hear you, they would tell you, "Shut the hell up, it's just a story!" Stop yelling at the screen.
Please stop asking, "Guess what?" as a conversation starter. Honestly, if it has nothing to do with sex, alcohol, or someone getting hit by a motor vehicle, I am not interested.
I'm tired of girls that are below the legal drinking age saying, "there are just no good men out there." Hmm... you might have better options and ultimately better results if you didn't mimic everything you see on MTV.
I'm not 100 percent sure on too many things, but when an already creepy neighbor has decorations and lights for Halloween but none for any other holiday, it just confirms my suspicions.
Sure, I could Google what you're talking about but I think it would be a lot easier and more proactive on your part if you would stop asking me why I don't know what a poached egg is and just tell me.
I hate it when people say, "Have a safe flight," as if I have any control over how the pilot flies the damn plane.
Sometimes I wonder if I've ever purchased a bad batch of antibacterial soap. You never hear about germ killing products being recalled.
Being right on time for work is considered early in my mind.
I never prepare my coffee in front of people because I like it sweet. It's the only way to avoid that unoriginal and feeble attempt at a joke: "Want some coffee with that sugar?"
I apologize for not getting excited for your brother's football team going to substate. I don't even know what the hell that means.
When I get something new and someone other than me takes off the plastic coating, it's certain death.
How am I supposed to compete when you tell me the other guy your dating is a lawyer?
After hiring someone I'm supposed to shake that persons' hand and say "Welcome to the team." Why do I always feel like such a liar when I do this?
I asked my doctor about which Robitussin would be most suitable for me at which point he pulls out his iPhone to check...Is this really all it takes to be a doctor now?
My hand sanitizer has an expiration date. So instead of 99.99 percent effective, it drops to 63 percent? I always thought alcohol got better with age.
Good songs on the radio are like UFOs: Only a select few actually believe they exist.
When guys say the break up was "mutual" it means she broke up with him. Girls never sugar coat the demise of a relationship.
Hairy people: Wear undershirts under your button up. Seriously.
There's a minivan in the parking lot of my apartment complex. It's a perfect example of how 'compromises' in relationships are always one-sided.
I hate it when I'm on a personal call at work when cute girls walk in. "Hey, I have to call you back"... You don't have much time to hang up that phone before you have to say, "I love you, too," And be forced to forfeit any type of game.
Why do I always wait to conserve my toothpaste when the tube is almost empty?
The absolute worst thing about a papercut is that it is almost always in slow motion, and you can't do a damn thing to stop it.
How come in the movies it's ok to hang up the phone without a salutation, but when I do it I almost immediately get a text saying, "What?! No goodbye?" I've really got to stop imitating what I see on TV.
Why do perps always stay on the highway when evading police? Even if you do survive driving towards opposing traffic, you're eventually going to run out of gas. Take an exit and shake 'em.
It's hard to trust people that go out of their way to say 'Good Morning' to you. I can't help but think, "What are they after?"
Newspapers need a comeback. I think I would definitely buy one if it had a story about Lady Gaga being killed by quick sand.
Is it possible to get Post Traumatic stress from a really bad movie? After I saw Bruno, pretty sure I haven't been right since.
When someone is trying to pass me when I'm already going the speed limit, I take it as a challenge. So what I do is speed up just enough so that the car in the other lane and I are going the same speed. Hah! I win.
When I copy a document with the copier lid open, I know you aren't supposed to look at the light. But I always find myself asking, "What's the big deal?" and do it anyway.
So, a thirteen year old told me she liked my outfit today...These days you can't be too careful. I couldn't help but frantically scurry away.
When will foods stop being euphemisms for sex in music?
I'm starting to lose my appetite and planning on wearing earplugs for the rest of my life.
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