Ruminations
Si tienes que me llamar, por lo menos ten algo para contame, puta aburrida.
11 
Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."
Sometimes my roommate constructs her dream wedding ring online. Sometimes I construct my dream pasta dish on Foodler.
Everyone at work found out that the copy machine stores everything it ever copied. Everyone's running around, "Oh no, my identity!" I was thinking, "Oh no, my butt!"
Bands should have to change their name once they start to suck, so I don't have to clarify when exactly I liked them. For example, Green Day should have become The Sellouts in 1997.
Why do girls wait around for guys to call them hot? Fuck that, I flirt with myself. "What up baby, ain't you lookin fine today?" When guys do it, it's just gravy.
Sometimes I really overestimate my intelligence while looking at articles. "Top ten reasons physics is relevant in modern agriculture." "Ok, a top ten list, I can do this. Oh God, I'm in way over my head. I know one out of every forty words, abort!"
I admire people who can go to bed sooner when they have to be up early. My eyeballs are just like, "What are we doing in bed so early? This is bo-ring. Brain, think about sex and seafood and punching people we don't like."
I adore headlines. "Killer Whale Kills Trainer." "Oldest Person in US Dies." There should just be one blanket article, up every day "Populations behave as expected, don't worry about it."
My dad has the same five one-liners in his joke stash that he uses at every restaurant we go to, every time. The most embarrassing is "I have to excuse myself to the little girl's room."
I don't understand when a girl goes through an involuntary sexual dry spell. You're a chick... it's harder NOT to get laid.
A customer at my work made me a baby blanket to "save for when you eventually have your baby." I refused to accept it. If that bitch jinxed a baby into my uterus she's dead.
Sometimes, when watching tv or looking at the internet with other people, I totally recognize a chick from porn. It's extremely hard to keep that shit to myself but I know it's for the better.
Today while bra shopping, I picked out a gorgeous one, in DD, and then discovered it was filled with a serious amount of padding. Really? I already have enough trouble smuggling these into shirts.
I have certain "friends" that I wanna tell, "Listen. Stop contacting me. I'll ask you if you wanna hang out next time I'm really, really bored."
I'm surprised Jello Biafra allowed the Dead Kennedys to sell the rights to Verizon for ringtones.... Oh yeah, it probably wasn't up to him.
It's never more important to me to look my best than when I'm gonna be around someone I can't stand.
The other day at the gym I was listening to live Neil Young, and the girl on the machine next to me was watching a Pussycat Dolls video on her tv. I'm pushing for a stricter definition of "music."
The best thing about being a girl is getting more credit than you deserve when you do something cool. If I was a guy I'd be totally average.
Whenever I'm hated by another girl I think, "Yup. I must be doing something right."
"I'll call you" and "I love you" sound almost exactly the same in Spanish. Mistakes have been made.
I dated someone who had a cousin that looked identical to him, except the cousin dressed like a cowboy, head to toe. It was like walking around with him, and him a hundred years ago.
It'd be so nice to get out of the house and do my math homework in a library or something, but I'd have to pretend I was in middle school to justify to the public why I'm doing such remedial math.
Ever since my roommate decided to upgrade us to the detachable showerhead my vagina has been really, really clean.
I can't think of anything more insufferable than trying to teach someone, or being taught, a new card game. My face gets hot and itchy with boredom and frustration.
Online shopping is tricky. "Wow that girl has really, really pretty hair. I need that shirt."
Apparently, ordering Chinese food gives my whole family license to do horrible Asian impressions from the time they call until the time the food's packaged away.
It's amazing how few miles I need to be from home before I need the GPS.
I just wanna be skinny enough to be Joey Ramone for Halloween without it being a fat joke on me.
If you have a bandage on, you can bet your ass I wanna see what's beneath it. It better be gross and worth it.
The problem with watching mid day cartoons is now I want every sweet new toy on the market.
Everyone at work tells me how gross my goat cheese is, because it comes from goats. Yeah, of course it's fucking gross. It came out of animal tit. It's exactly as gross as cow milk.
When I'm exercising at home and my roommate walks in the room, I start doing way more intense, impressive stuff.
Being adopted, I was never breastfed. It also means I can pretend my parents never banged. Be jealous.
Hey, shoulder pads, no one wants you. Stop ruining cute shit with your ugly asses.
"Organic goat log" sounds a lot more like a turd than cheese.
I can't believe there's a market for convenience store egg salad.
I wonder what my nana was thinking, with her thick ass Boston accent, naming her only son "Mark." There's not an uglier syllable available than the way she says his name.
Nothing gives me the same horrible belly ache as getting hit on by my Dad's friends.
Not a day in my life has gone by where I didn't wanna be one of those weirdos who makes their own popsicles.
Every time one of my roommate's cats has a birthday, I celebrate that it's that much closer to death.
Pink Floyd being broken up into chunks on the radio breaks my heart. It should be whole album or nothing, that's like jacking off to a picture of a woman from mid thigh to mid calf.
I've heard a lot of people complain that it's hard to get help from an employee at Home Depot. Walk in there with a couple of boobs, or as I like to call them, orange apron magnets. I've never had to lift a finger at that store.
I wish, as an 18 year old stoney ass punk, that I had the foresight not to get a tattoo that is the outline of a jellyfish that ended up resembling a penis. I'm glad I had the sense not to color it pink and purple though, as was the original plan.
It pisses me off when someone offers me a cough drop like it's candy. That shit makes me shiver and is disgusting, I don't offer you Robitussin when you're thirsty.
Sometimes in movies, a man sings to a woman to be romantic. Fuck that. You know what's awkward? Being in the same room as singing.
Taking a nap on with a full belly is a surefire way to add some chub to the inventory, but oh my is it pleasant.
If I reject someone, why do I then feel awkward every time I see them? I should feel like a superior badass.
Whenever my friend Jesus texts me, I pretend it's the Real Deal Jesus with a very important message.
In my bookshelf, I have both a biography of Gandhi and an illustrated Beavis and Butthead book. The biography has gone untouched, and I've read the Beavis and Butthead one cover to cover more than once. I'm going places.
When girls first start to be interested in a guy, sometimes they nickname him to their friends to keep it trivial. This is fine, but when it starts to go somewhere it's hard to break the habit, and your friends call your boyfriend "Cleaning Guy."
Whoever started the rumor that repeatedly calling the place you applied with to "check in" about your job is a huge pain in my ass. Stop calling me, people.
Pre-peeled garlic is so convenient, but makes my entire kitchen smell like breath.
Shows about houses, such as picking one out or decorating one, are asinine. Those are chores. Someone come tape me doing my dishes, and give me money. At least I won't have pants on.
If your name isn't Cat, your answering machine shouldn't say "Hi, it's the kitty cat." Actually, even if your name is Feline Siamese Calico The Cat your voicemail shouldn't say that.
I'm willing to bet that the majority of people who claim to hate anchovies have never actually tried one.
Guys know so little about female reproductive health that I feel like I could throw in fake words and they wouldn't even notice. "My flobula is at the peak of its cycle." "Do we need to get a pill to get rid of that?"
I love asking someone if they farted even though I know they didn't, just to watch them desperately try to prove their innocence.
If you call my food "rabbit food" I'm calling yours "hippo food." Plus, I doubt rabbits find grilled chicken and croutons in the wild.
I hate when classic rock stations play new music. If it came out in 05 it's not classic. Trust me... Steven Tyler's not up to anything good. Please spare me.
Why do I always feel compelled to befriend the weirdo? You get stuck with them forever.
My nana wants to feed me no matter what, even if I'm just stopping by before work. No, Nana, I'm not starting my day with beef pot pie. Especially after I just watched you stick your gnarly finger in there to check if it's hot. You don't own soap.
Attractiveness is relative. If half the people in a room are hotter than you, it doesn't really matter what you look like. Hence why I love going to New Hampshire.
Buying things that display your zodiac seem like a cool idea, unless yours is cancer. I'd feel like a huge downer wearing a necklace that says "cancer" on it.
Are tomatoes made out of lava? Once they're hot they refuse to cool down.
Volunteering is awesome. I can justify all the horrible shit I do by telling myself "No worries babe. You played scrabbed and double solitaire with homeless dudes last Sunday. She's an ugly bitch and she deserved to be told."
If my "boyfriend" knew the real reason I don't let him come over sometimes, he'd be pissed. "I don't feel good" usually means "I need to nair my 'stash" or "I've eaten way too much dairy today."
I can't decide if it's butch or femme when I hammer things into the wall with my high heels.
It's weird when you see someone for the first time since high school and see how much they've changed. You wanna be like "Oh, since when do you take showers, sellout?"
When I skip a jog, I justify it in my head by telling myself that I'm just throwing any potential kidnappers offtrack.
When I'm around a platonic guy friend and I do something gross, such as burp, he'll always say something like, "You know, that's a turnoff." That's special, but if I burp in front of you I'm sure as shit not concerned about turning you on.
Fuck you, sweatshirt, for making me look like an orange on a toothpick. I'm not top heavy.
When I get a massage, I want the masseuse to massage my butt, but I'd never admit it to her. Cheeks get tense too. Modesty sucks.
I can only recognize cars by their license plates. I'm not sure what kind of retard this makes me, but I'm sure it's one of the kinds.
Today I learned not to open a soda that you just dropped while your underwear drawer is open unless you want it to look like you have skidmarks on each and every pair.
I realized the internet had corrupted me when my friend responded to my text with "not atm" and I thought, "Wait, when did we segue into talking about ass-to-mouth?"
I hate when I offer someone part of my meal, and they say they will "in a little while." No. Take it now while the loss still seems minor and I'm not too attached.
Ever just take a second to really step back and assess your situation and realize you've spent the last 45 seconds verbally reasoning with your roommate's cats about their behavior and choices that you don't approve of?
It's like some people think the crosswalk is an impenetrable shield that a car could never breach. My car will kill you, "right of way" doesn't make my car stop faster.
If I eat food off the floor, is it still organic?
Even my pervy ass would like to google something, anything, and not have to see someone having sex with it.
It's yelp, not your big break as a food critic, calm your shit down.
As a girl, I can't eat a banana at work without stares and comments. I like to seductively peel it, get them all ready, and then snap it in half like a beastly mama gorilla.
I designed my bookmarks bar based on how cool/smart it would make me look instead of browsing convenience.
Classic cartoons are my favorite, but it's funny to think of the room full of middle aged dudes planning out obnoxious, asinine scenarios. "Next, the uneducated sailor with gigantic forearms ties the two streams of water together to stop the flood."
It's hard as shit not to steal the exciting-looking packages waiting for my neighbors.
It's been paid off for months but I still get angry when I think back to paying a month's rent for a realtor's fee. You walked up the stairs with me, watched me look in closets, and sat there while I signed the lease.
I miss the days before caller ID was popular, and we had to rely on *69. My dad would be in his recliner, the phone would ring, nobody on the other end. "I'm gonna 69 your ass!" Thanks Daddy. I hope that wasn't a boy.
I had my first fish taco today. If that really is what vagina tastes like, sign me up.
Kissing's a lot of fun.. when you really like someone. But what's the point of the drunk makeout with a stranger? Lick a slug if it's just the sensation you're after.
My guy friend was telling me all about this other chick friend he has who "also" has a crush on him. Uhhh.. hold the phone Joey. Look up the word "also." That crush makes her very unique.
Every Christmas, my parents fill a stocking each for my sister and I with beauty and hygiene products. Pros: Awesome present, saves me ton of money. Cons: Makes me feel smelly and ugly.
I hate when I can feel the stupidity pouring out of my mouth but can't put a cap on it in time, for example explaining to a foreign coworker that Abe Lincoln was shot in a movie theatre.
Who's the idiot that actually types out the long boring joke that gets forwarded around by my middle age coworkers? It's bad enough that they send them, but someone made it in the first place. And the clip art is just the cherry on top.
If you've ever doubted that I have street cred, I have a nickname in a homeless shelter. And that nickname is Football Toes. Don't mess with me.
The basement is part of my building, therefore part of my home, therefore pants should not be required.
The day at work when everyone decides to bust out impressions of coworkers is always the best day ever.
I hate articles like "Rules for Eating Sushi." Rules? Put some in your mouth, chew it up, wait til your belly's full. There's no sushi detention. I eat how I please.
I don't want any random $40 gift I'm gonna have to display from my friends, so I always just ask them to spend the money on stuff for my favorite shelter. They get all mad at me, because it's no "fun." Lovely friends. Shelter's getting a new figurine
If you're cheating regularly and getting away with it, you're having boring sex somewhere down the line. You come home with not so much as a suck-mark, ever? Are you wrapped in plastic?
When I'm around people it's hard for me not to question the room, "Will someone please massage me?" I'm a huge massage slut. I don't have massage standards. I don't care if you're a level three. Massage me and stay above where the back meets the bum.
The only true way to compare your size to someone else is shadow to shadow.
Desserts at restaurants are almost always a huge disappointment.
Kinda awkward while during a romantic, drawn out final goodbye, he tells you not to cry and you have to say, "Oh. I'm not."
It sucks when us tough city folk are out in nature with some boonies-people and we see something scary, and ruin our reputation of being fearless. Listen, we don't see deer every day. They can startle a person.
The only reason it's called a BLT is because no one wants to admit they're just eating a bacon sandwich.
I always tie my pajama pants too tight and have a freak out emergency when I need to pee.
As a rule, tank tops should not cost more than twenty dollars.
Celebrities get way too much credit for doing good deeds. They're signing these charity checks with million dollar pens. They should have to sacrifice for recognition.
People who combine food and sex are out of their minds. Sex is the most fun way to burn calories, why ruin that?
I hate how I'm always the designated person within my friends who has to call everything like cabs, delivery, 411, etc. Just because I'm not a socially anxious wreck doesn't mean I should have to do all the work.
Girls buy certain articles of clothing that are meant to only be worn with certain things. It sucks when someone sees it out of context. I swear this wool belly shirt looks good under a certain cardigan, you don't know me.
I hate when I order delivery and the guy calls and says "I'm outside." That's nice. Ring the buzzer and take the trek, it's delivery.
Don't eat a handful of chocolate chips before working out. What up, saliva?
Sometimes when I jog, I feel my hips jiggle. Like they're doing their own little workout.
I love the commercials that advertise corny vacations that use "Lust for Life." I can't imagine Iggy Pop snorkeling. It's like buying a birthday cake from Johnny Rotten.
I don't drink often or in large quantities, but if I'm sleeping over someone's house and there's a chance I'm getting the floor, I'm drinking til I lose my mind.
The panic you feel when someone is about to hand their phone to you to say hi to someone you weren't expecting to have to talk to is as real as life gets. "How are you? Um, here's Pat again.." Pat has got a lot to learn.
Sometimes, Souther people, I think you've got some good ideas. I still haven't figured out what chicken waffles are but they sound like a marriage made in confederate heaven.
In front of the question "What's your favorite band?" there's always a silent, implied "Besides Led Zeppelin."
Nana, spaghetti and sauce is not medicine, or currency. There are situations that require other solutions.
Calories per serving: 80. Servings per container: Varied. No. I need to know how many gobs of mozzarella are allowed in my mouth.
My dad owns a couple of stores, and it's really uncomfortable when I need to go in them and steal some stuff, but none of the employees know me. They never stop me. Good to know they're ready for a robbery.
Being sick sucks but staying home from work and being pitied is addictive.
I look like an asshole in headbands, but oh man are they pretty and I'll keep buying them at eighteen bucks a pop just to sit on my bureau while I hope my entire bone structure shifts in the middle of the night.
The most awkward small talk is when my parents make me answer their housephone. Awkward aunts, uncles, and friends of my parents who vaguely remember me and are suddenly infatuated with my latest nonexistent news.
If there's a mirror involved in sex, I'm just putting on a show for myself and not paying attention to anything else.
Although clothing stores that operate on a XS-L scale instead of the traditional S-XL are just giving different names for the same sizes, I rather enjoy being knocked down a size.
Last year when my sister was 11, and she asked me what "public hairs" were. When I corrected her and explained she laughed and said, "Those aren't supposed to be public!"
"You think you're better than everyone." Hell yeah I do, it's called self-esteem, sucka.
The problem with learning phrases in other languages from a book is sounding like a huge nerd. I don't want to find out I've been saying the Spanish equivalent of "Salutations!" and "Until next time!" and "fellatio!"
As I sit here in fear during the hours leading up to my first Brazilian wax, I feel like a pioneer. Every girl I know is telling me to tell them all about it, and if it's not so bad, they'll consider it. Like the Lewis and Clark of my peers' vages.
People on tv will cry about damn anything. Oh yay, I made a cake. I did a dance with an asshole. I lost six pounds this week. Does this baloney necessitate tears?
The toughest part about planning a couples costume with my gay bff is working around his body issues.
I hate when adults ask me if I have a boyfriend. No, but I get some. I can't say that shit though, and I just look like a dweeb.
It bothers me that Roseanne and family's last name is spelled Conner. I know I'm spelling it right, but it looks wrong. What doesn't bother me is that I put my thoughts about Roseanne in writing often enough for this to affect me.
Oh, thanks for inviting me over. What's going on, we're all gonna sit here and watch tv in a group? Nevermind.
The majority of the time I go to the bathroom at work, it's simply to look at myself. Or, to stalk people.
My faith in God was restored while I was jogging and lost all energy. I was about to just give up and walk the last mile home. And then, Detroit Rock City came on the shuffle and I sprinted home, air mic in hand. He knows.
I you're an acquaintance of mine, and I point out that you look nice, don't tell me it's because you're going to a funeral. Say thanks, and pick someone else to try to get attention from.
I say such losery stuff to myself when I'm in the zone at the gym "Come on body. I'm building your strength to do great things." Great things? I just wanna fit into smaller jeans.
My dream job would be to travel the world and get paid lots of money to judge buffalo wing competitions.
On my days off I'm tempted to stop by work to show everyone how hot I am with normal clothes on.
Pubes have better adaptations than most animals. Each one has to be shaved in a unique direction to be killed.
Sometimes I just wanna snort fat lines of birth control, just to be extra cautious.
I always thought it would be cool, fun, and flattering to have a psycho ex boyfriend. Not so.
Two things that exist only on tv are swinging doors between the kitchen and living room, and before-school family breakfasts.
I hate when sassy bitches at work say things like, "You know, Miss Healthy, avocadoes are fattening." Uh... for a vegetable. Nice pizza.
Dirty texting just feels wrong when the background on your phone is a picture of your 12 year old sister holding her puppy.
Old people's hobbies kill me. My Nana's main hobby is interviewing people in the parking lot outside her building about their parking choices. Everyone's assigned a spot, but she finds questions.
What do you mean I can't fall asleep with my candles lit? How else am I supposed to make my dreams smell delicious?
My career peaked the other day when a seventeen year old boy called me a pervert.
I love when people are vague, because I cherish any opportunity to say "You talkin' to me?" and feel like a badass.
If you've ever wondered what Rodney Dangerfield would look like minus fifty pounds, look at Dr. Kelso.
The question to ask yourself before you get a tattoo is not, "Will I still like this in ten years?" It's "Can I handle people asking me the same question day after day for the rest of my life without losing my mind?"
When I'm putting my anti-wrinkle cream on at night and I have some left over on my hands, I don't waste it. I rub it on my boobs. Gotta keep em fresh.
Sometimes even if I know how to perfectly pronounce a word on a menu, I know I'll look like an ass so I pretend I have no idea how to say it. "I'll have the... what's this? ga-nocchi?"
I always have this idea in my head that thongs are sexy. Then I remember I have hips, don't have an ass, and hate wedgies.
I love the random truths that come out of 11 year olds mouths. My little sister told me I have "skinny legs and awkward toenails." She just thought I should know.
It's funny how if you haven't been laid for a few months, your body just kind of accepts it, but when you're getting it regularly you just can't wait. "What do you mean you can't come over til tomorrow? I'm dyyyyin!"
Oh, hey city bus. I guess you don't have to signal or check if anyone's directly next to you before you pull back out onto the road. Ever.
Whenever I check out at the grocery store, I have this secret fantasy that the cashier is gonna praise my healthy eating habits.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than having to do math in public.
Seeing someone boil vegetables gives me nerd rage. "If you wanna pour your nutrients down the drain, be my guest."
When people ask my pants size, I say 6. More accurately, I can shimmy into a 6, causing an award-worthy cameltoe. Technically, I'm not lying.
Popsicles are a big commitment. Once that wrapper's open, you can't put those daddies down.
I can't wait to get older and have a pool so I can start my selection of hand-picked pool boys.
I hate when people say "if they gossip to you, they'll gossip about you." Excuse me, some of us have morals. I don't mix who I talk shit to with who I talk shit about.
I work with a guy who likes to talk about himself way too much. I like to ask him loaded questions about his life right before putting my pencil in the electric sharpener, and then walk away. I hope it gives him blue balls.
When my phone's ringing and it's someone I don't want to talk to, I feel all jittery and guilty while I ignore their call, but if that same person called and I happened to miss it, I wouldn't feel guilty at all.
Although we had to do it on the floor in a sweltering hot apartment, shower with no shower curtain and dry off with paper towels, it was a huge priority to us to get it on in the new place before my roommate got the chance.
Women at work get mad at me when they tell me about their pregnancy/birth giving situations and I say "gross." Sorry lady, but it is gross. I take a tiny pill once a day for a reason.
Me and my mouth have this agreement that if for some reason I know I'm gonna die in a short while, we are gonna get very intimate with many kinds of fancy cheeses.
I know I'm moody when I'm trying to make the egg I'm cooking feel bad about itself.
It's funny how you realize how bad your previous sex was once you finally have good sex.
What is it about celebrity boobs that are so exciting? If you offer me to see a random chick's boobs, I'd look if it didn't require any sacrifice. But if she's famous, I won't rest til I see them.
I'm pretty sure I'm the only girl scared of her own wedding. The thought of kissing someone in front of members of my family makes me wanna ralph.
When I'm alone in my car, I move my eyebrows to the guitar solos. Weird? Maybe, but I can do Statesboro Blues like nobody's business.
I don't get how sluts operate. I feel lucky if I see one hot guy a week. How do they find someone they're willing to bang and pull it off so often?
When I stare at someone, it's usually because there's something weird about them. If someone's staring at me, I assume they're just taken aback by my beauty.
Convenient English is a problem in my life. Examples: What would you do if I got pregnant? "Wha? No comprendo..." Do you want pizza? "Pepperoni."
I don't know what it says about my dad that he called my eleven year old sister a "d-bag" and then called me "douchey" in the same sentence, but I do know that it makes him cooler than most dads.
Sometimes when I'm feeding the meter outside the gym, I worry the two hour time limit won't be enough. Who am I kidding? I just drove four blocks to the gym.
I hate when I have to go to some kind of work or school orientation. I'm not doing a fucking skit in front of a group of people, that shit is awkward, embarrassing, and unnecessary.
It's weird translating a fight between your 80 year old nana and her 80 year old landlord when she's trying to convince him that the building should have a shared plunger because "I don't need that extra bullshit lying around my house."
You know you're comfortable with a friend when you can just text them back right away and not wait the standard "I-swear-I'm-not-psycho" five minutes.
I can't tell you how many times I've wished my ex boyfriend would text me just so I could ignore him, but I bet it's one more than the number of times I've replied to his texts.
My stepmother tells people she "jogs" on the treadmill at 4mph. The only option at 4 is a rapid bunny hop and I wish she'd let me watch that trainwreck for a minute or two.
I'm ready for "napsturbate" to be a word, because we all know one's way better when coupled with the other.
I was talking to a guy at work about orgasms. He said "the closest thing I can compare it to is when you have to pee really bad..."and there I stopped him. "You don't need to compare...wait... you DO know girls have orgasms right?" Blank stare.
It's a good feeling when someone makes a reference you don't understand, and you feel like a dork... but then when they explain it to you it's from something like Harry Potter. Nevermind.. I'm glad I was lost.
Unless it's someone I'm comfortable with, I have when whoever I'm with insists on paying for both/all of us. You're probably showing off, and now I feel like I'm eating your lunch.
I own countless lip "stains" and lip "glosses" and flavored, scented, glossy chapsticks... but lipstick in its pure form is for women over forty.
Is breastfeeding in public really a controversial issue? It's a freakin booby, we'll be fine.
I wish that instead of rats, there were puppies that ran around my neighborhood at night.
Remember before you could save your games... You'd leave your Sega on for days to avoid losing your progress, and when your parents would discover your electricity wastefulness, shut the machine off without second thought? Devastating.
I know I'm not the only basketcase who purposely leaves their phone at home when I know I'll be gone a few hours when I'm expecting some phone action from someone special... because a watched phone does not vibrate.
When, as a group, you're making fun of one of your friends and they finally run out of comebacks and say "laugh it up," it always comes out kinda like a death threat.
My stepmother's away for the summer. My dad's fridge has wonderbread, lots of beer, and sugar free pudding.
If it takes more than five minutes once you're outside of the city to get somewhere, it's the boonies.
When white trash in New England want to be taken seriously, they put the Rs back in their speech. Sometimes they put them in the wrong words. Example: Carm down.
One day, in a land that I dream of, clothes will be made for girls with boobs and small waists.
I can't stand when I'm eating lunch at work and someone says, "What are you, on a diet?" with a disgusted tone. No, I'm just eating adult food, trying to maintain my god damn immune system. I know vegetables scare you but mind your business.
I don't know why everyone gets so excited about photo albums online. If there's a pile of pictures in front of me at a house I'm bored just thinking about rifling through them.
When people find out I volunteer at a homeless shelter they always tell me how nice it is, but it gets awkward when they ask me what I do there. "Um, eat fruit salad and chat. I'm indispensable."
I have an idea, boys. If you don't want a girl to really start to like you, don't lay in bed naked with her and spill your guts.
I hate when a restaurant is mentioned and someone tells me they love the bread there. Find something more interesting to talk about than bread or please don't speak around me any more.
If you think it's okay to give homeless people a hard time, guess what? You're a bully.
I hate when someone tells me I'm funny. At first I'm flattered but then the pressure to remain funny kills everything.
Today I learned that the worst possible answer to hear when you ask how many people your "boyfriend" whatever he is has slept with, is "I don't know." "This year??" comes in at a very respectable second place.
I swear to God that as a girl, deciding not to be psycho was the most liberating day of my life. But we'll see how long I can curb my instincts.
If you're a girl who is both skinnier than me AND eats more than me... I hate you for life.
I hate when people are talking about something and call it "said" object. Just say "the" and stop being pretentious.
The final level of friendship is when you can finally admit that you're sick of being on the phone with that person and just hang up on each other without making up an obvious lie.
I'd just like to take a minute to thank mustard, hot sauce, and cracked black pepper for making my food more delicious every day without costing me any calories.
"Would you rather look better naked or in clothes?" I don't care what you look like naked, if you can't improve your appearance with clothing you don't know how to dress yourself.
I have great respect for people who put effort towards a cause. However: If your only effort is a "legalize it" t-shirt I'm pretty sure you just want people to think you're cool.
When the rental place asks you over the phone what kind of car you want, a bad answer is, "Honestly, I couldn't care less." You might end up driving a white PT Cruiser around for a week.
My nana lives in a studio apartment with one decoration: a Frank Sinatra statue. No one's allowed to touch it.
People who think white trash has anything to do with income have never been to my Dad's house. It's pretty damn big and fancy, but my Dad answers the door in his underwear while eating a cheese and mustard sandwich on wonder bread.
I hate when I buy a book and then later I see an ad for it. "Hey, I thought I was the only cool kid with this book..."
Today I had to get towed. I managed to remember to get my birth control out of the car, but not my house keys. Priorities.
I don't care if it's trashy. Before I die, I'd like a guy to beat up another guy over me.
I'm a boss at work because my Dad is the owner. I realized what a bad boss I was when I told a teenage kid to stop threatening that he could kick everyone's ass and prove it, and then realized the four of us hadn't done any work in about an hour.
My two minute warmup walk on the treadmill is so godawful boring, and I can't wait to get into my jog. Two minutes into jogging it's like, what did I get myself into?
I miss high school, because it was appropriate to have the Ren and Stimpy theme as my answering machine. Now I have to sound "professional."
Only in my dorky life does the following happen:I decide I can eat whatever I want for dinner, regardless of health benefits or fat content, and it's vegetable night at the Whole Foods hot bar. Also dorky: that to me, indulgence involves Whole Foods.
When I asked my boss if the new hire was hot, he said, "You know what? She is. She might even be more attractive than you." Is that a compliment or a challenge?
I have a mini panic attack every time someone unknowingly refers to my stepmother as my mother. Do I do the awkward dick thing and correct them, or feel like a traitor?
Girls must have sex tactics. Included is not touching yourself for the week leading up if you know you're gonna get some, to make it that much easier for the guy to get you off.
If someone invites me to something in the future, and I'm tired when they ask, I'll always say no. It has screwed me more than once.
If you ask me for a reference, and I give you the cop out answer "I will answer any questions they ask," it's best not to put my number down.
I love sorting the food at work and throwing half of it away because people think it's acceptable to donate expired food to a food pantry. Making people sick is so philanthropic.
I have rules. I won't watch you graduate from anything, watch your play or your dance recital, or read your blog. It's boring.
The more boring the sex, the dirtier I talk in vain hope of livening things up.
When you're gonna have sex with someone new, no matter what, it's time for a new box of condoms. You got dumped one condom into a twelve pack? Not economical, but you cannot use that same box on a new person.
I love how everyone's so cocky about voting. Once every four years they spend twenty minutes checking a couple of boxes and they think they're the world's greatest humanitarian.
I'm like the anti-germophobe... unless the person's ugly. If you're not a 7 or above, don't touch me or my food.
You've never experienced Shakespeare until you've seen a performance done at a middle school in Massachusetts.
Today I realized how dorky I was when I was in Whole Foods and I thought to myself, "Wow, they have some wicked cool yogurts here."
There's no worse form of self sabotage than faking an orgasm to end some bad moves. He ends up thinking those are THE moves and boys are so hard to correct.
There are people who looked at their schedule today and said to themselves, "Neato, I even have time to blog about American Idol."
There's nothing I judge more than an adult buying a candy bar.
I wish my roommate's cats knew that just because we all live together doesn't mean I want anything to do with them.
The last thing my Dad says to me when we get off the phone, every time, is "be careful." I'm vacuuming, not hang gliding, but I've got the helmet on just in case.
I get really mad when my roommate leaves her shit all over the living room, yet her room is nice and clean.
I live pretty much exactly halfway between Harvard and MIT, making them both about five minutes away. For smart kids, they are the fucking worst at crossing the street.
Most of the music I listen to is a good 40 years old. It's just what I like. When the topic of music comes up, there's always a dumb girl around to say, "Ugh, that's what my DAD listens to!" Is that an insult? So you're saying me AND your dad both like good music that's stood the test of time?
Sometimes being adopted is awesome. Like when your cousins are sitting around talking about how crazy adult in our family is, and how they should get checked early for it. Not me, bitches!
I don't know what it says about my Mom's side of the family that they turned bingo into a verb. Direct quote: "Ma, ah you bingin this Wednesday?"
I was at a Red Sox game tonight, and I'll tell you... it's beyond surreal to overhear things like "Tampa Bay- tough team."
What do guys do during their three second bathroom trip right before fooling around? There's no flushing.
I hate when people say that they'd like to be healthier, but gym memberships and healthy food is just too expensive. Do they think the hospital is free?
Friends of parents never let anything go. I dyed my hair blue for a month in tenth grade. One month. All I ever hear is "Oh my Gawd do you rememba when you had blue hayah??"
Volunteering with people who have to be there is god awful. Although their attitude sucks the whole time, they are the proudest person in the room when their time's up for their "good deeds." Gag me.
People have been recommending "How I Met Your Mother" to me for ages. I finally download a few on Itunes. No one told me it had a fucking laugh track. Six dollars in the trash.
Now that all of this "ironic" shit is trendy, it's gonna be a lot more expensive for us normal people to get Halloween costumes.
There needs to be a word for the kind of blue balls you get when you see two gnarly looking dudes (or chicks for that matter) having words, getting ready to fight, and then it gets broken up. That anticlimax punches you in the guts just like the real blue balls.
I hate when I'm carrying a box at work with no trouble at all, and a guy comes over and grabs it from me, not to be polite, but because I "need" him to do it. If you're that desperate to feel useful that's your own problem.
I'm such a bitch to automated voices, like it affects them.
The only time "flicking my bean" as we'll call it becomes really appealing is when I should be studying.
I stop eating strictly at six, but I stay up until 1 or 2. The things I would consider eating at midnight every night scare me a little.
People who are willing to wait in hours long lines to meet celebrities are pathetic. Except me when I met Henry Rollins. That was worth it.
No matter how much I stretch, I never feel fully stretched out.
Sorry, but bugs aren't scary. They're the size of your fingernail. It's hard not to kill them accidentally. Shrieking is unnecessary.
I hate people who don't take their internet backgammon commitment seriously. Just because I'm slaughtering you doesn't mean you get to quit halfway in.
I have inside jokes with myself. For example, when I walk by a fat preppy kid, i say "prepperoni" in my head.
Egg yolk does quite a job of being simultaneously repulsive and delicious.
Having any sound besides an alarm come from a cell phone is ridiculous. They vibrate. They light up. We never need to hear them.
The best thing about having an eleven year old sister, besides her being the coolest human being on the planet, is that my parents are still obligated to get me Christmas and birthday presents til she's at least 18.
I take elaborate notes in class. I've never once looked at them.
I just want God to know I'm not okay with the fact that he took the hot guy from the gym and replaced with with a Luis Guzman lookalike.
It's amazing what distant acquaintances find appropriate to say. "Wow, your dad is like... rich! When he dies you're gonna be rich!" Pretty sure money and dead parent talk are reserved for the best of friends.
I have such a good idea for a horror movie. It's called, "Mickey Rourke and Gary Busey Make a Baby."
Having a super secret love affair at works seems really exciting until you realize you just gave the guy license to ignore you all day at work.
If I'm eating alone in my house, there's little chance that silverware's involved.
Fuck you, goosebumps. I shaved my legs as close as I could and you made them stubbly as soon as I stepped out of the motherfucking shower.
Thanks for the hickeys, "eighth grade slut" is a look I go for.
I'm pretty sure nothing's hotter than hooking up with someone who only speaks Spanish.
People who eat at the gym are crazy. If I try to work out with food in my belly I feel like I might die.
"I know someone who looks like you!" Well, if that bitch is fat and/or ugly I'll kill someone. Probably both of you.
If "The Nightman Cometh" was a real play I think I'd find myself in a theatre much more often.
I hate when someone makes a joke that's both offensive and not funny. I'm not uptight, you're just not good at this.
God damn, you'd think we as a people were retarded! "Ways to get yourself to drink more water." But you can't even blame Yahoo for that article, one of us DID jump into a polar bear tank yesterday during feeding time.
The problem with being a girl is thinking like a girl. "No, this guy will be way more interested in my volunteer work and the book I just read than how low my shirt is. This is going to work out beautifully."
Thank God those six pound earrings say your name on them, I was totally curious.
Why do they only make cool shirts in men's cuts? Maybe I want an Iggy Pop shirt too, Urban Outfitters, without looking like I'm built like a linebacker.
It's awkward when you're watching tv with someone and someone on the show has the same name as one of you. You're both pretty excited and wanna point it out but have to pretend like you don't even notice.
I get lost easily, no matter how close to home I am. Whenever I accidentally wind up in a tunnel I feel like Sonic when he would go in those elevator things and get spit out in a foreign area.
Last night my parents ordered wine for fifty dollar a glass. You know what it tasted like? Regular ass wine.
I'm pretty confused about the definition of a salad. How can a bowl of raw vegetables have the same name as cooked fish doused in mayonnaise?
When someone is explaining something to me that I have no idea about, if they happen to mention one thing that I've heard of before, I get furious. "Uh, yeah, already knew that."
Whenever I like a guy, I get shy and tend to befriend his friends in effort to get closer to him. This always results in three ugly guys having crushes on me and one hot guy thinking I like his three ugly friends and not him.
Why is it that when a girl has a bad taste in music, I totally expected it and don't care, but when a guy does I lose all respect for him?
One of the worst pains is when you're enjoying an especially hot shower and it finally hits your nipple.
Whenever I go out to eat and the food comes, it's always huge and I feel so embarrassed to have it sit in front of me. I'm gonna take the same ten bites and throw it away regardless but feeling like a pig always sucks.
I had a Boston accent when I was little. Now I don't, thank you Jesus. Sometimes words slip out, though, I can't help it if I say "draw" instead of "drawer" and it would be so much less annoying if you didn't point it out every single time.
When I point out a flaw, I think what I want is agreement until I hear it. "I really need to pluck my eyebrows." "Oh yeah, you kinda do." Excuse me, what did that bitch just say to me?
Why does everyone get so excited to be the banker during Monopoly? It's just way too much work for my taste.
Why is it to awkward to take a compliment? I'm so bad at it. "You look nice today." "Who, me? No, I'm a monster."
It's really hard to find jeans with just the right amount of wedgie but zero cameltoe. When you get the ratio just right, you're wearing gold.
My favorite radio station is having "classic rock idols month," where every day in April they feature someone. Which one of these does not belong: Neil Young, Gregg Allman, David Lee Roth. Hint: the one that does splits wearing spandex.
I'm really curious who the Charlie is that my Charlie card is named after.
Boys can eat so much food in one sitting it's not even funny.
Yeah, we all liked Salute Your Shorts and we all played Mario and Duck Hunt. It's totally okay to reminisce about this once in awhile, who doesn't enjoy that? Talking about Donkey Lips all day while wearing a Sonic and Tails t-shirt, however, means maybe it's time to enjoy this stage of life for what it is and stop living in fourth grade.
Nothing makes me more self conscious than when trainers walk by me at the gym. I start to get paranoid that I'm in the machine backwards and that they're shitting on me in their head.
It's funny when someone's eating pizza and they discover a big piece of basil. They panic and ask, "Is this spinach?!" God forbid a vegetable get anywhere near your mouth.
I realize that I'd save a lot of money by renting books from the library, but if you give the books back you can't show them off.
I'm pretty sure my organic deodorant is made out of b.o.
I hate when you're debating something and someone involved brings up that they wrote a paper on the subject, therefore are the sole authority on the matter. We all know how much learning goes into an essay, so enough of your baloney.
Nothing like your eleven year old sister asking you if you "do it."
I hate hosting non-city friends because they get way too excited every time they see any police activity. Yes, it looks exciting, but all it ever turns out to be is a cop yelling at a crackhead. Also, these guests are very bad at dodging anyone with a clipboard or a cup of change.
Thanks for giving me your phone number at the gym. First of all, do you think I have pockets in my gym clothes? And second, now I have to plan out my water fountain route to avoid you.
The word is "swear," not "cuss" or "curse" or whatever other words you people made up.
Thighs, how skinny you are. Oh, just kidding, as soon as I sit down you spread right back out.
Oh, your favorite song is Hotel California? Well, at least you tried to like music.
I hate in Spanish class when people find it necessary to translate their names. Does being called Pedro enhance the experience for you, Pete?
I cannot motherfucking believe it's legal to strap a baby back to a bicycle and ride around in city traffic.
I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm pretty sure Perez Hilton is the scum of the earth.
Why isn't there a hair removal option without horrible drawbacks? It's either hugely expensive, painful, ineffective, short-lived, or causes a rash. Nair smells like diarrhea. It's time for a change.
Today my dad needed a ride and as he was getting in, I realized my birth control was visible and my belly dropped. Then I remembered I'm adopted and my sister was conceived through in vitro fertilization- he probably doesn't know what birth control looks like.
When people tell me they don't like seafood, all I hear is "I'm a wimp with no adventure in my soul."
I hate when people apologize for accidentally kinda touching me. We brushed arms, if I need therapy I'll send you the bill but I doubt it'll be necessary.
"Oh my Gawd, you ah so pretty." Thanks! "Can I have a dolla?" Hey...
My job requires minimal computer use, and I'm the youngest person with access. My favorite thing to do is minimize all the windows when someone gets up from what they're doing and walk away, because the look on their face when they tell me "I lost everything" is so, so good.
If your nipples appear to be looking at eachother, maybe you should be wearing a bra in public.
I'm at the point where if I don't get the Denny's naner puss song out of my head, I just don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm not proud of this, but whenever I see hopelessly homely people working out I wonder if they know you can't treadmill away the ugly.
You always know you missed your alarm when you wake up with that suspiciously pleasant too-well-rested feeling.
Today while I was on the phone with my Dad he screamed, "I will slap you like a bitch!" Turns out he was driving and some lady had the audacity to cross the street.
My parents were getting a puppy and I was trying to convince them to adopt instead of buy from a breeder. My Dad looked at me like I was an asshole and said, "But someone has to adopt the breeder's dogs too."
I don't get people who watch depressing movies and shows all the time. "Hey, wanna watch a movie? It's about a guy whose whole family dies and then he loses all his limbs." Hell no.
Even if I'm totally into a book, if someone asks me what it's about I'm completely stumped.
The hottest guy at the gym walking out as I walk in really shits all over my workout.
Guys enjoy that girls dress slutty in summer weather. I enjoy the Latin American men working outside with no shirts on, sweating and lifting heavy things. Soon enough.
I hate girls who think they're tough just because they're huge. You're really gonna have to step into that punch if you're gonna translate fat into strong, and during that slow process I'm gonna step aside.
I found out that there was a rumor going around at work that I take diet pills. I pretended to be pissed but shit, I'm flattered.
Once you've had top of the line imported proscuitto, you realize bacon is a fool's game and you never go back.
I realized I may check myself out a little too often when I noticed that every time I need to see in my rearview mirror, all I see is my face.
Sometimes when I'm on the treadmill, suddenly I feel burnt out. Then I realize Neil Young just came on the ipod.
I think something specific to girls is that sometimes, when we make accidentally make eye contact with another girl, we have to glare at each other.
Nothing like making a class friend, getting to the texting stage in the relationship, and finding out they spell girl with a "u."
At the gym, there are girls who walk by the free weight area to check out the guys (me) and girls who walk by to get checked out by the guys (bitches).
If you ask me to read your poem, I'm gonna look at the paper and count to thirty. That shit is so awkward.
I hate when something I like is trendy. I wanna wear girly plaid, but I don't wanna be one of "those" people.
If you know all the differences between the food at fast food places, and have preferences for each, you probably won't live past forty.
Really, Dad, it's snowing? Thank God I have you to call me every time that happens.
Why would a person eat a cracker? If i wanted my mouth to dry up, I'd sleep with my tongue hanging out.
Remember the last day of school back in elementary school, being off the walls excited about summer fun? Until you remember your dad's sending you to the Boys and Girls Club camp that ships you to the boonies every morning bright and early with all the other little kids whose parents are sick of their faces.
When I get hit on on the street, I get aggravated. When I don't get hit on on the street, I get self-conscious.
When my little sister asked me if she had a good voice, I said no. Because she doesn't, and I love her more than anyone in the world, and preventative action needs to be taken NOW to prevent her from signing in her skivvies on American Idol.
If I ask if I can have a small iced coffee, and you say you only sell medium and large... well, you're wrong.
Is it wrong that I find those religious recruiters who roam the city super hot? The ones in the shirts, ties, and nametags, not the crazies. Wouldn't you just love to steal their innocence? Mm mm baby.
If I'm watching tv/movie/standup comedy alone, and I see something I think is extremely funny, I'll rewind it at least five times to hear it again.
"Bikini area" is such a stupid term. It's February.
If you ask me my favorite Rolling Stones song, I'll answer with something cool like Heartbreaker or Sympathy for the Devil. I'm lying, because it's Shattered, but that's pretty embarrassing.
Know what's baloney? This nature vs. nurture debate. I'm adopted and I act just fucking like my father.
I think the hardest part about being a girl is hiding your love of babies from guys for the first six-ish months of sleeping together. You wanna scream out "Oh my God!!! How cute!!!" but you fear the inevitable "You better not start poking holes in the condoms" talk.
I hate when stupid girls are typing for emphasis, and put a million "e's" at the end of the word. "I know! I feel the sameeeeeeeeeee!" You feel the samey?
If my roommate's out, there's a one hundred percent chance I'm not wearing pants.
I go to the same exact toll at least five days a week, often at the same time, yet never recognize the toll guy.
I'm trying to get the rules of being a girl straight and I'm a bit confused. Not allowed to be fat, check. Not allowed to eat salad on a date... can't do both. Sorry.
I refuse to believe that the register doesn't carry more than fifty dollars if there's a long line and I just spent forty.
Having a female roommate makes me really sympathize with boys. I know why you all hate your whiny, can't walk two blocks without being freezing girlfriends.
It's hard to watch Beavis and Butthead without laughing like they do. Heh heh.
Am I being green if I always forget my reusable bag, and buy a new one each and every time I go to the grocery store?
When I actually put things away where they belong, they're lost. Because the last place I'm gonna think to find my homework is my homework folder.
A "common cold vaccine?" They're vegetables. You eat them, and then you don't get sick. Try it out.
The word "veggie" really embarrasses me. Just say vegetable.
Why does every little southern kid have a bowl cut?
I love how my Nana calls people "effing dickheads." If you're gonna say dickhead, you can say fuck.
Relief is flipping the magnifying mirror back to the normal side and being pretty again.
Who are these weirdos who have 600 permit parking stickers on their car? Do they really need to park at Mt. Washington that often if they live on Beacon Hill?
Sauna threshold is a powerful thing. For awhile, it's extremely pleasant, and suddenly you feel the emergency need to bolt.
There are many kinds of highs. Those from drugs, sex, running... all uniquely wonderful. But no high can compare to first warm day of the season high.
I'm 23 and use three kinds of anti-wrinkle cream, preventatively. I'm gonna be such a milf.
I hate telling someone a story and having them tell me what they "would have done." You would have kicked his ass? Because as long as I've known you you haven't kicked anyone's ass.
I've experience a new kind of awkward. At work today, I was introduced to someone because he knew my parents. His first sentence was, "Ohhhhh, are you the little girl they adopted?"
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Why is it that when a guy hears "just like that" he interprets it as, "just like that, but fifty times faster"?
No, Nana the ninja, I don't want any more goddamn spaghetti and I don't know how you snuck this massive third plate in front of me while I blinked.
The cool thing about having my dad as a boss is that I can call and casually ask, "Heyyyy, Dad, whatcha doin'?" and when he says he's making meatballs, I know that the boss won't be poppin in for the rest of the day.
I hate my friends from the boonies who brag about the house they rent for half of my share of my small apartment. At least I don't live in the boonies of Massachusetts. If you're gonna live in the boonies, pick some cool ones. Like Montana.
Is anything more embarrassing than seeing people you know try to sing in front of an audience? And I mean sober, planned out, skirt and tights singing.
Do raw eggs have more protein than cooked eggs? Or did someone not tell those meatheads you can scramble them?
There's no way to clean "downstairs" in the very public showers at the gym without looking like you're playing with yourself.
Don't write an article about ten new amphibians and not include pictures. How am I supposed to sleep while I'm this curious?
Do people who eat buffalo wings with ranch realize that blue cheese is an option? Because ranch just doesn't compare.
Do you work here? Well.. is the Walgreens uniform a tittie shirt and jeans? Figure it out.
A real best friend is one who understands that when you suddenly say, without moving your mouth, "Hide me, go left, duck" that you're avoiding an acquaintance and complies.
Today I noticed that, for the first time ever, my stomach is finally completely flat. I celebrated with pizza.
Tonight at dinner with my family, the topic of bisexuality came up. My eleven year old sister asked, "Ohhh, is that like Tila Shaquila?"
Sometimes I feel like my Dad might be hiding some secrets. Whenever I have a problem, he says "let me call my guy." Within an hour, some big Italian guy is there, picking my lock to get me back in my house or car, changing my tire, what have you, and says "Don't worry about, I owe your father one."
The stressful part about making new friends at school is at what point do I tell them what a weirdo I am?
I say "baloney" instead of bullshit at work, and the other day I said it to an older lady. She stared at me with her mouth wide open, and when I asked why she said, because you just said "blow me." I wonder how many other people hate me now because I accidentally told them to blow me.
Believe it or not, people at work, I can understand my name in any language. And the word "estupida."
"Made with 100% Real Cheese." That's all you got? The best thing about that box of food is how one of you ingredients isn't fake?
It's comforting to see super hot girls undress at the gym. Why? Because when I see them naked I discover their cellulite, saggish boobs, backne, butt hair, stretch marks, etc. It's good to know that what you're up against isn't so scary.
My non-pervy forty something neighbor who I've never met helped me clean my car off this morning. Being from a very unfriendly place, the only feeling I could muster up was "awkward."
If I made my "natural" faces during sex I don't think I'd ever be invited back into that bed.
I eat very, and I mean VERY healthy. All organic, all my colors, a trillion vegetables, all my vitamins, flax, I even eat spinach DAILY. My friends eat hot pockets. Why don't I have powers they don't have?
There's nothing more pleasant and scary at the same time than a lovely naked nap on the couch when you don't know exactly what time your roommate will be home.
Recently my 15 year old cousin spent the weekend at my apartment. I picked her up from the movies, and she was using my phone to text the friend she was just with because I have unlimited texts, so naturally I read it. It's funny to read what 15 year olds think is code: "OMG i 4got 2 tell u 2 hide the thing!"
I recently broke up with my boyfriend, so now I have to actually look nice going to school to get another one. How do you people do it?
I thought it was pronounced "Sooj Knight" until I was about 17.
Why do the Kennedys have their own brand of Boston accent?
My nana, who has a hole in her neck and speaks with a vibrator box, has to enunciate her words on the phone. It's funny to listen to her break up her syllables in a Boston accent. "Come o-vah at fo-wah."
As an extremely laid-back restaurant goer who would never dream of sending anything back, nothing gives me a worse feeling than when someone I am with is about to be a dick. When I hear, "This isn't what I ordered" the butterflies begin.
Just because I, too, am female does not mean I want to hear about: your period, your cervix, your papsmear, your experience giving birth, or any other down there atrocities. Not only is it painful and disgusting to listen to, but before this conversation I had successfully deluded myself into believing you just had a benign patch of skin between your legs.
Actually, the response to "I was adopted" is never "Wow, I thought those were your REAL parents!"
Who knew cute little Olivia would turn into That's So Raven?
I'm really not sheltered, but sometimes tv makes me wonder if I grew up in a bubble. Are there really pet stores that sell puppies? And homecoming dances?
I hate the belief that women divide their number of sex partners by three. I didn't have sex with nine people and I don't want future boyfriends thinking that.
I'm no Mrs. Recycle-fest myself, but I do separate. Would it kill my roommate not to take the things from the recycling and put them in the trash? I'm sure it's a dig but I'm not sure what for...
Every chick magazine article that is intended to give you new sex moves to "wow your man" includes a finger up the butt during bj time. Always.
One of life's most important messages is that things are ever-changing. I take comfort in the fact that in 2009, ACDC is still making music the same as ever.
Asking my fifth grade sister what she's doing for the evening really puts me to shame. "Well... I have a basketball game, then it's movie night, then I have Zoe's birthday party, and then Allie's sleeping over, what are you doing?"
I hate people who cover their treadmill/cardio machine stats with a magazine or a towel. How the hell are we supposed to compete if you're hiding it?
I've been working out for years and I thought I was quite fit until i tried out the stairmaster. Holy macaroni.
I hate when I make an appointment to get waxed and I say, eyebrows and mustache and the girl says, "So... eyebrows and lip?" No, not my lip. Don't you dare wax my lip.
It's funny how when I'm single I have all these criteria for my next boyfriend: he has to have a cute dog, a balcony, work out, be a humanitarian, have big suckable lips, eat healthy food, have normal parents, want kids, doesn't smoke, etc. Not gonna happen.
What is the polite way to tell the guy who follows me around like a puppy dog all day at work, "Frankly, I'm offended that someone as goofy-looking as you thinks he has a chance"?
I have a weird complex about not looking like shit when I go to pick up my birth control. I have to be wearing something nice and have my hair done or I can't face the pharmacist.
There truly is nothing more awkward in this world than when I mention my stepmother to someone and they say, "Oh, are your parents divorced?" and I have to say, "No, my mom died." They feel like a dick for asking, I feel like a dick for making it awkward, and we both just stand there stuttering for a couple minutes until one of us eventually walks away.
A real bad combo in a person is someone who's got nothing interesting to say yet their mouth doesn't stop moving.
I take issue with the label "tease." Just because you have nice pouty lips that I needed to suck off your face doesn't guarantee you anything more. If I touch your penis, even through your pants, then I'm obligated to finish the job, but mouth? Give me a break.
I can't wait til I'm old enough to not care if I let myself get fat and I can sit around eating big hunks of fresh mozzarella packed in milk all day long.
I used to really feel that teenage angst against my father for making me come home at 11:30, but now I'd really like to thank him for recognizing that Harvard Square is an inappropriate place for a fifteen year old to be past midnight.
I've been to the south a few times and can say a million nice things about it, but being from Boston I have to say that the most truly amazing thing about the south is that in any store you go into, they'll actually let you use the bathroom. They even have signs pointing to the bathroom. Here you have to pretend to be going into labor before they'll even admit there's a bathroom on the premises.
I pay $18 to get my eyebrows waxed, compared to the common ten-ish dollars. Whenever I tell people this (because they ask) they flip out telling me I'm getting ripped off. No, I'm not getting ripped off, I don't want pencil thin half moons over my eyes like yours.
What the fuck is a Sunday afternoon? On Sundays it's morning until it's dark.
I am a serious health freak. All organic, a walking calorie encyclopedia, I'll skip the heating bill to buy four days worth of Whole Foods. Tonight I got drunk for the first time in ages and what is in my belly?? Jax and Diet Caffeine Free Coke.
The worst kind of girl is the kind who talks about their period to me.
Nothing makes me feel more like a dingleberry than when I see someone for the first time in a long time and compliment their weight loss only to be told it's due to some kind of drug addiction or eating disorder.
There is no bigger turnoff to me than a guy who gels his hair.
I have an innocent twelve year old sister who was complaining to me about how my parents won't let her get a screenname for fear of child molesters. Her next line was, "I just want a name like CherryGirl or something."
Why is it always the same annoying girls/women at work who ask "Oh my God, how can you eat that healthy food? It's so nasty!" and yet later they ask, "How did you get so skinny? What's your secret, please tell me!"
If you really wanna make the day of someone over forty, show them how to type the first letter of the name they're looking for in their cell phone contacts.
My Dad has a lot of money as a result of being a successful and hard working business man, and the questions people ask me as a result will never cease to amaze me. "Is your Dad gonna buy you a BMW for your birthday?" Uh, no, he's gonna pay for my school books this semester, I'm not Paris Hilton.
Every single time I start my car after pumping gas I cringe fearing I'm about to blow up.
I wouldn't have such a problem with the "one towel" rule at the gym if they could give me something long enough to cover boobs and vag in one shot.
Everyone knows "Nana" is the cool name for a grandmother.
No matter how much effort I put forth shaving my legs, there will always be a blatant strip of stubble somewhere.
Whole Foods, we both know you're my everything and I'd be nothing without you, but how about a sale once in awhile?
Just because I have double d's doesn't mean I don't jog, sports bra companies. Thanks for nothing.
After all of these bad shamwow comments I googled reviews for it, and learned there is a whole community of people who type [] as the symbol of paper towels.
When my roommate walks in the room and I start shadily deleting window after window, I'm sure she assumes I'm looking at porn, but embarrassingly enough, I'm playing dressup games.
When I'm talking to someone and they use an uncommonly smart word and I happen to know what it means, I get serious anxiety feeling like I have to let them know that I understand the word.
Is there anyone more out of their mind than the captain on Whale Wars?
My Nana has a hole in her neck, and speaks with that little vibrator box. When she calls, she starts with, "It's Nana," like I didn't recognize her voice. It's either her or the garbage disposal.
You know the world is changing when my first instinct is to misinterpret "WWII" as "Wii" whenever I read it.
The gym being closed for the holidays is more exciting than a snow day. I can be lazy guilt-free.
I just realized with great pleasure I haven't heard or seen a single thing about Bam Margera in at least a year. I hope this is it for good, or at least until I play Tony Hawk again.
It's very embarrassing when, on the cardio machine at the gym, I start out with some very lowkey lip-synching, get in the zone, and suddenly realize that I have been rocking out to Biggie Smalls for the past five minutes, mean-mug and all.
Mayonnaise is strange in that on food it's great, but if you happen to get some in your mouth by itself, it's ralph city.
If your story doesn't have examples, don't tell it to me.
My mom's side of the family is typical Italian-American- Great Grandpa has a thick Italian accent, Nana forgot any Italian, Mom, two aunts, uncles... No Italian whatsoever. Yet, they pronounce food like they are straight off the boat. It's so embarrassing when we're out and they ask for something with "mutsadell" (mozzarella) cheese.
Buying presents for your parents sucks. They make twelve times as much as you, buy whatever they want for themselves, and have made a million sacrifices for you. And my forty dollars is supposed to buy them something impressive?
My Boston accent has slowly faded into practically nothing since I was about fourteen, yet any time my Dad calls me I turn into Marky Mark. It's confusing to onlookers.
Only in Boston does "pictures" rhymes with "bitches."
I wish you could beep backwards at the people behind you.
Sometimes when I get a chicken caesar salad, by the time I'm done eating the roll, the cheese, the croutons, and the chicken, there's no room in my belly for any of the lettuce. Essentially I ate a chicken, cheese, and fatty sauce sandwich, with none of the guilt.
I go to community college. Every adult I talk to, when they ask me what school I go to, will answer with a very condescending "Good for you!" like I just came in third at the special olympics.
I never feel like a bigger weirdo than when calling 411 in public. I'm holding my phone up to my ear silently for thirty seconds, and then robotically yelling "Cambridge, Mass!" three times at a machine.
While online shopping, no matter how ugly I think something is, nothing entices me more into further investigation like the "more colors" option.
If it's night time and you're dressed head to toe in black winter gear, please refrain from running into the middle of the street without looking. I don't want to go to jail for vehicular manslaughter.
Is there ever a time you type on a keyboard or on text around someone over forty when they are not completely amazed with your typing ability and speed? And they usually proceed with making fun of their own inability to fly through the keys. It's charming.
Every day I think, "I'm going to bed by midnight tonight!" Yet by midnight, three more hours of tv and the most pointless internetting imaginable becomes the most delicately rich activity my brain can fathom doing.
My biggest fear in this life is that someone has been secretly taping me singing along to music in my car and will remove the music so that it's just my voice and then play it back to me.
All of my little time-wasting games (solitaire, and on the phone, tetris and uno)- while I play, in my head I am on the world tour of this game. I imagine a panel of judges and an announcer and everything. I don't think anyone would watch a world tour of uno in real life, however.
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