Ruminations
Taking a pull off the Hershey's syrup can then a swig of milk right out of the jug followed by the rapid shaking of my head to mix the two while still in my mouth may be my crowning moment of laziness. But damn it was good.
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Why is it that in 20 seasons of Survivor, we've never seen leg, armpit or bikini line hair on any of the women? Does every female contestant get complimentary laser hair removal prior to filming?
I just heard they are making 3-D porn. The only thing more awkward than walking in on someone masturbating will be walking in on someone masturbating while wearing 3-D glasses. Ew.
If the Simpsons had actually aged with each season, Maggie would be old enough to buy alcohol this year.
Whenever someone sings the national anthem at a televised sporting event, I only notice the notes they miss.
The entire time I am driving over a bridge I am judging the drop distance to determine the point where I would survive the fall. Then I start worrying if I should open a window on the way down.
"Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash." I know what it really means but all I can picture is someone vomiting some nasty stuff called sash.
I pay close attention to my significant other's texting style in case I ever hijack his cell and send texts on his behalf.
How many times in one week do you have to be violated by the football gods before you no longer feel the pain?
Has anyone ever learned the correct pronunciation of a word from that jumbled mess they show on wikipedia?
Am I the only one that finds it disturbing that Charles Schwab commercials advertise the ability to talk to real people by using fake computer generated characters?
When giving a presentation to senior management, it's not the best career move to describe the company's current debt-load as "a shit ton". I learned that the hard way.
When I order cheese from the deli counter at the grocery store, I secretly hope they will give me a free slice to eat right there like they did when I was five years old. Being an adult sucks.
73% of the people who viewed this product purchased it? Your peer pressure has no power over me Amazon! I'm buying something else instead!
I think even the Israelis and Palestinians could agree on the fact that everyone hates Tom Brady.
Why does Airtran bother with a flight schedule? Passengers would be less angry if they told us to just show up and they'd put us on the next flight. At least we would be starting out with lower expectations.
I'm on hold and a recording reminding me that I am still on hold interrupts the music every 30 seconds. By the time a real human picks up I'll be completely exhausted from the adrenaline yo-yo.
Nothing ruins your day faster than a co-worker showing up unexpectedly on a holiday when you thought you had the office all to yourself.
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