Ruminations
If you pester me about the frequency of my drinking, I'd say you are the one with the problem.
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My new boss told me (and the rest of the staff) he was taking us to Bali for two weeks today.
God bless you, shitty economy.
Lets be honest guys, how many of you actually know what to do with the clitoris?
I'm not sorry, but my dog is sleeping in the bed. And if you don't like it, you can kindly get the fuck out.
At my new job we go out for lunch and drink every day, happy hour starts at 4 every day. We have a company boat docked right outside the office with a ginormous liquor cabinet and it is a five minute walk from my apartment. Hello new job, I think I love you.
Most of my girlfriends are skanky bitches, but I keep them around because they make me feel less awful about my life by comparison.
I should never have to be the big spoon. Ever. And if you try and make me, you are not a man.
Follow you on Twitter? I'm sorry, I just don't care enough.
My roommate hung a ginormous Texas state flag in the living room, and after kindly asking her to take it down, she refused. Well roommate, I will refuse to shut my door or move my bed away from the wall when my boyfriend is over. And for good measure, I am not wearing any clothes in the common areas when your boyfriend is over. Take that, Texas!
I just cleaned out my bathroom waste basket. I am both horrified and completely intrigued by what I saw in there.
Do people actually use dental dams? Seriously?
I hate when you sneakily try to delete someone from Facebook or Myspace and then they notice and message you saying "I thought we were friends?" And then you are guilted into accepting their friend request again. Damn it!
Whenever my phone is on vibrate and it's going off every two seconds with texts messages and calls, I get really irritated and think "God my friends are assholes." Then when I set it to silent and look at it two hours later to see all my missed texts and calls, there are none. No red flashing light. And I am pissed thinking "God my friends are assholes."
Have you ever caught yourself staring at someone at work thinking "wow, that is not an attractive outfit," then find yourself hungover and not giving a shit what you wear to work the next day? I swear there are some days I roll out of bed, too miserable to think and I'll grab a pink sweater and gray slacks and honestly thinking to myself that it looks "passable."
I find that people who update their status and mood on Facebook and Myspace every hour are usually pretty pathetic losers with not a lot going on in their lives. Then again, what does that say about me for noticing the frequency of how often they change their status and mood? Fuck me!
My friend recently taught her two-year-old to call his penis a "weiner" but she got pissed when her husband taught their son the word "nipple." When I asked her why it was such a big deal she just said "I don't know, it just seems wrong!"
For some reason, whenever I'm really hungover, looking like shit and I order take out I am always praying that the delivery guy is ugly. As if the next guy I am going to have hot, raunchy sex with is going to be the 60-year-old foreign guy delivering my thai food.
Whenever I get REALLY wasted, I wake up the next morning completely naked. That's how I know I had a good night.
Why the fuck do people have to keep their sliding glass doors so clean? I've had at least a handful of near death accidents from walking into sliding glass doors this past year while drunk. If you're going to invite me over, leave that shit dirty!
The first time I met my roommate, we were both about to leave a coffee shop to go to our respective homes and she said "Well, I have to get going - I have a blind date tonight. Well...it's not really a blind date, but I'm calling it that because I was really wasted the other night and I can't remember what he looks like."
At that very moment, I knew we were destined to be friends.
You know it's a bad night at the bar when you look around and think to yourself "wow, there is really no one here worth getting wasted for."
Living with a roommate has it's drawbacks. Especially when you have to explain why you were in the kitchen, naked, eating cheerios (spilling most of them all over the floor, rather) at 3:30 a.m. I never know whether I should play it cool, avoid her like the plague, or just apologize. Or maybe I should just keep the cheerios in my bedroom.
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