Ruminations
Why can't my stomach have an automatic shut-off like my gas tank?
2 
Every year grandpa's belt gets higher and granny's boobs get lower. Won't be long before he is all legs and a head and she is...well you get the picture.
A 5 year warranty should be standard from the manufacturer. Why should the retailer get extra cash to protect some purchase that they know nothing about?
It takes 10 minutes to pick the perfect Valentine's Day card and 10 seconds for your loved one to read it and throw away. Next time, straight to the fucking chocolate!
I'm convinced that half the ambulances I pull over for aren't even heading to the hospital...just some some driver late for dinner.
They say it's very tough to quit smoking. It must be if you're willing to take your entire break in freezing weather just to finish your cigarette. You my friend, are a fucking warrior!
The only thing better than 2 girls making out on television is being able to rewind 2 girls making out on television.
Chex Mix is the perfect food for Americans. A blend of squares, nuts, and holy treats.
Fussy is what a baby gets when tired or hungry. Grouchy is what an adult gets when tired or hungry. Conclusion, we're all a bunch of big babies.
Check out these previews...man this movie looks cool. Oh it's just a damn video game. Those fuckers fooled me again!
Love to go out with you guys tonight but my penis is in my wife's purse.
If you can sell 5 pizzas for 5 bucks each, then sell me 1 for 5 bucks. I'll pick it up...don't even box it. Whatever it takes.
White-out would really be awesome if it worked on pants...that I just made a fucking 2 inch blue mark on!
My wife asked if I could share some of my grilled pork loin. I tried to explain that she'll get plenty of the other white meat after dinner.
Does anyone else identify the 'less than' symbol by remembering that the little number is eating the big number because he wants to be big too?
Does anyone actually fall for the Art Institute scam? Do you like to doodle? Can you not focus on work because you are drawing stick figures? Can you draw this cartoon turtle? If so, you may have what it takes! Apply today for only 150 dollars.
Is the wolf that terrorized the 3 little pigs the same wolf that ate Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother? Talk about your all-time dickheads.
I'm sure you got some great stories behind that mammoth beer gut. But even more impressive...you managed to match your 9-month pregnant wife, perfectly!
Youngsters take a strong stance on silly things like "I refuse to take medicine" or "I will always drink regular sodas." Just you wait sport...won't be long until you're wolfing down 3 or 4 advils with your Diet Coke.
If all you need is love, why does it have to be the one thing money can't buy?
Choosing your battles wisely is a difficult task. Do I try to win the battle of the remote control or the battle of who’s on top?
It must suck when your apartment has a "woman's touch" and your penis has not.
It's frustrating when someone cuts you off in the middle of a story with a "Whoa...Too Much Information." Look buddy, you are getting the non-filtered version or no version at all.
Does anyone else play that game...Would you hit that? Hell no! How bout for a thousand dollars?
Guys who give their penis a nickname rarely get laid. Did you hear that Speed Demon? No more nickname for you.
Somewhere between the Electric Slide and the Cupid Shuffle, dancing became far too advanced for men.
Christmas is gonna be different this year, Mom. Instead of giving me 50 bucks and me giving you 30...just slide me over a 20 spot and we'll call it a day.
Is it just coincidence that people who invade your personal space also have diaper breath?
Do hospitals have to be named after a saint to be reputable? I’m sure Big Larry’s Hospital provides the same level of service as St. Luke’s.
Seems like trees would shed leaves during summer instead of winter, I mean...those big fellows have to be freezing.
Ever caught yourself letting your mind wonder in a restaurant? Why is that guy eating by himself? Does he have any friends? Did he kill his friends? Did he kill my server?
I’ve learned to ignore folks who race me on the road. But racing me to the back of the line at McDonalds? Now that’s a little over the top.
I can be in perfect position to stomp a bug, but when I raise my foot...he just scats away. I seriously think that slimy punk morphed into a leaf.
I probably wouldn't ignore collection calls if they came from a pimp. Yo BigVree, if you don't want to get slapped around...gimme my moneys.
When a friend tells me “I’m at a weird place in my life right now.” I can’t help but imagine him on a remote island, hanging upside down from a pineapple tree.
Doesn't matter how expensive it is, the newest thing you buy should not be touched by anybody other than you. Get your hands off those towels... you're going to fuck them up!
Obviously 'C' stole some words from 'S' like celebrate and cycle. But how the hell did he squeeze his curvy ass in the word 'scissors'?
When I'm really jealous of people, I complain about all of their shortcomings. If there is nothing to complain about, I make something up.
Why the hell do we still have newspapers? Ads...Craigs List, Sports...ESPN, News...Yahoo, Funnies...Family Guy. Seems like wasted ink and paper to me.
A shirt from Old Navy will not fit will continue to fit unless your belly button moves up an inch everyday.
So much pressure being a grown-up. Sometimes I just want to build a tent in my living room, bring my favorite toys, and stay in there the rest of the day.
You talk to family once a month, friends once a week, and co-workers everyday. Something is not right here.
People who make statements that begin with "I heard that..." really have no fucking clue if it's true. I am one of those people.
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love said to me...put up the fucking tree.
They say everything gets harder with age. I can think of one thing that doesn't.
Getting old isn't that bad. Fewer hairs to wash, fewer teeth to brush.
Whoever said holidays are depressing, just didn't want to go back to work.
If you state the obvious, I will look with a blank stare. Turn it into a joke and you got my support.
I'm tired of this conspiracy…“batteries not included.” You could’ve put batteries in there, but you had to hook your boys up at Energizer and Duracell.
The only thing more stressful than being evaluated by your boss at work is being evaluated by your entire family at Thanksgiving dinner.
I've been embellishing stories for entertainment value for so long that I'm not even sure what really happened.
Is the day after Thanksgiving the biggest shopping day of the year? Or the biggest shop-lifting day of the year? I forget.
I’m much more productive if I act like a dick at work and ignore everyone. Sustaining this type of behavior is nearly impossible for the lovable big guy.
You know you're a cheap bastard when you almost drive into the back of a semi while trying to dig out quarters from between your seats.
Two reasons why I refuse to wait in line for the swine flu shot. First, there may not be enough vaccine for all waiting. Second, someone in that line is probably already infected. Chew on that one.
Often when I'm typing, I glance up and notice that for some unknown reason I'm adding words to the middle of the message instead of the end. How the hell does this happen?
Nothing like receiving a crappy gift and having to respond politely. Oh a set of handkerchiefs, wow with my initials! I can use these instead of those damn disposable tissues...thanks!!
Bowflex "individual results may vary." In other words, it’s impossible to look like the guy in the commercial unless you’re a genetic freak.
Sex with the lights on is great until someone makes a disturbing sex face...then it's a mad scramble to get those damn lights off.
When I time consecutive green lights, I feel like I have some divine power...like Moses when he parted the Red Sea.
When I get a hotel wake-up call, I request that the caller yell "Beep! Beep! Beep!" until it's comfirmed I am fully awake.
Ladies, a hungry man is an angry man. Less analyzing more cooking.
You can deny anything you say about someone else until you say it in an email...then you are totally fucked.
Instead of all the cheesy romantic commercials, Viagra should just show a before and after picture and say..."This is your penis now, this is your penis with Viagra, any questions?"
"Close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades." I beg to differ, I've been really close to saying something stupid and stopped myself. Later I patted myself on the back.
Ever since Bluetooth came out, I can't tell whether that driver is arguing with someone or intensely singing along to his favorite song.
If you or someone you know is still writing checks, you are not alone. The others are all 80...but you are not alone, nonetheless.
I love starring at boobs, unless I'm looking in the mirror, then I'm like...you need to get your ass in the gym!
Just like a dog burying his bone...I feel the need to hide my gum under the desk.
I measure success one internet comment at a time.
We desperately need a drive-thru doctor's office. May I take your order please? Yeah my knee hurts. Scale of 1 to 10? Fucking 11! Please pull forward and pick up your Vicodin at the next window.
Why does the double drive-thru line merge back into a single line at check-out? I’m not convinced this format is saving any of us time.
I'm seriously considering transferring all clothes that need to be ironed from my closet to Plato's closet.
I'm at that age where I don't like to be called "dude" but being called "sir" makes me feel really old. So until further notice, please refer to me as "big guy."
It sucks when I share my food and end up with the smaller half. Give me back some of those chips you selfish bastard!
How come I can charge $50 of gas on my card and just drive off...but if I want to go in and charge a $2 soft drink to exact same card, I have to show my ID?
Remember in grade school when the janitor would block off a section of the hall because some kid got sick? That shit was like a crime scene…serious forensics going on with that hi-tech vomit powder.
Why do people insist on using fancy words when it's not necessary? "Everything is copasetic." What the fuck did you say? Did I do something wrong?
It pisses me off when someone cranks up the heat on the thermostat just because they're a little cold. Next time wear a long sleeve shirt asshole! Now it's freakin hot as balls in here!
People often fall victim to my patented 'boost my self esteem' trap. In casual conversation, I find a subtle way to reveal my age. Usual response…“No shit? I thought you were in your 20s!” Mission accomplished, I now feel better about myself.
I hate it when a vending machine won't accept my money. You know what, keep your fucking Fritos...your shit was over-priced anyways!
Proper horn etiquette is a soft double honk when the car in front of you stands still at a green light, a loud single honk when a kid runs out in the middle of the road, and a non-stop celebration honk when your team just won the big game.
There is nothing like long beautiful hair on a lady, but if one of those suckers gets wrapped around your fingers and won't let go...Oh God, get this nasty thing off me!
If the electric goes out for more than 10 minutes, it feels like the world is coming to an end. Complete darkness Oh shit...run for your lives!
It's no coincidence that the shittiest places in the mall food court charge for refills on soda.
Returning an item to a retail store is like being interrogated by the police. No I didn't wear it. I don't know where the tag is. I lost the receipt. OK!!! It was me. I did it. I wore it 25 times. I don’t even fucking know where I bought it.
As much as I love Laurence Fishburne, either Barry Manilow or Wayne Newton would have been the appropriate choice for lead detective of CSI Las Vegas.
Why is anybody surprised that Agassi was on drugs? With that wild crazy hair, he looked like a member of Motley Crue. He was probably best buds with Tommy Lee.
If Captain Crunch had protein, I would probably eat nothing else.
By far, the best thing about being married is free lap dances.
Why do restaurants have a fresh ground pepper guy? What I need is a guy who will refill my fucking drink.
Geico has funny cavemen and a cute little lizard. Progressive has an annoying lady that looks like a scary clown. Looks like I'm switching the Geico.
I feel sorry for the tree that falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound because no one is around. Poor fellow never stood a chance.
Over the past 10 years, phone numbers in our long-term memory bank have been replaced with user IDs and passwords.
I don't know why my OCD is such a bad thing. So what if my closet is organized by color and every hanger is exactly 1 inch apart.
On my drive to work I noticed "Class of 2009" painted on the side of a building. It dawned on me that not only am I getting old but, more importantly, I forgot to go to my damn class reunion.
A big red spot on your forehead is a strong indicator that you fell asleep at your desk.
How does it feel to go down in history for having a problem? I'm talking to you Houston.
Question for Mr. Active-X, who do you think are? If I want to download anything I have to go through you. Are you getting some kind of commission?
Jumping in a cold swimming pool is pure excitement, jumping in a cold shower when there is no more hot water is pure fucking agony.
If crossing over that set of diagonal lines is illegal then put a fucking wall there! Quit trying to set me up law enforcement.
Eternity is defined as the time from when you notice an empty credit card slot in your wallet to the time when you realize that there are 2 cards in the adjacent slot.
Ever wonder what the original purpose of a suit tie was? I think it was used as a permanent napkin. Patterns were added later to hide food stains.
If I'm in a deep 8 hour sleep, I wake up alert and ready to go. But wake up from a 30-minute nap and for the next 3 hours I feel like I have been drugged.
Nothing is more startling then waking up in the middle of the night to find a strange man sitting in your bedroom. Later you realize that it was just your hooded sweatshirt draped over a chair.
When I see the difference in attitude between Charlie Brown and Bart Simpson it’s no wonder that our generation grew up to be a bunch of condescending assholes.
The guy that coined the phrase "cheaters never prosper" obviously never stole the key to the final exam...resulting in a passing grade for him and a few of his friends.
If you start a joke with "I hope I can tell it right" then you should abandoned it immediately because it already sunk.
Why should seniors get all the discounts? All the seniors I know are loaded. How about a struggling mid-life discount?
How can I remember the artist and title if all 5000 songs on my iPod but not remember anything important, like my co-workers name or my wife's birthday?
If being a man is knowing how to fight, then I am officially a girl.
If you see folks making-out in public, either they just met or they ain't from around here.
Some colleges never disclose the full truth. If they say girls outnumber the guys 2 to 1. Be careful, what they really mean is girls outweigh the guys 2 to 1.
The closest I will ever get to Japan is in my Toyota Camry.
Giving candy to some kid on Halloween is fun. Giving candy to some kid any other day of the year, well that's just fucking creepy.
Dude umbrellas are for girls. That's why we have ball caps.
What happened to the good old-fashioned slow jam? How are you supposed to make love to the tune of The Pussy Cat Dolls? "I hate this part right here, I hate this part right here." Yeah, that's love-making music.
I'm sure you love Batman, but putting the batman logo on your rear windshield...what are you, the Dark Knight himself?
Doctors recommend breast-feeding for 9 to 12 months. After seeing the damage my 11 month old daughter has caused, anything longer than that and your nipple will fall off.
If it wouldn't damage my car, I would drive right through that parked car's open door. Sorry about that buddy, I couldn't get over.
You did not earn the right to wear that throw-back jersey unless you either went to an actual game in 1963 or can recite at least 10 players on the team. Otherwise, you are not legit and you must sell it on Ebay.
I'll put my money on Smokey and the Bandit over Fast and the Furious all day long!
We all have friends who we prefer hanging out with but when the time comes, they always back out. We also have that friend that is kind of boring but will always show up. Decision time...looks like I'm going to the movie by myself.
The quickest way to appear wiser than your years is to stay in the bath tub for an hour; you will be shriveled up like a prune.
Your joke was not over my head, I just don't know why you think it's so funny.
I asked where mens shirts are and the lady said, "Tops for men are in the back." I don't wear tops, tell me where your fucking shirts are woman!
Women prioritize shopping for clothes by: how cute it is, is it designer, how well does it fit. Men prioritize by: is it on sale, can I wear it out, can I wear it to sleep in.
I wish I could have the 3 months of my life back that was wasted on memorizing the Periodic Table of Elements.
The holiday season would be much less stressful if we would all agree to give cash for gifts.
There is no point whitening your teeth if your gums are all fucked up. You need to address that issue first.
Carrying the baby around makes me an instant chick magnet. It's never too late for that.
When I am 70 years old, I will still have bass speakers in my trunk.
I have a feeling that the 911 operator has the same training as the 411 operator, which is scary.
Benjamin Button would have dominated grades K through 6.
Clothes you pack when you leave for your trip never fit in your luggage when you pack to return home.
Why do I wave my hand in my front of my nose when I smell something bad? This has never gotten rid of the smell.
Flying by cape would be an acceptable form of travel only if you were strong enough to hold your luggage.
I don't care what country you're from...those speedos are disgusting! You don't see me coming to your beaches naked.
Super-hero pajamas with footies should come in adult sizes.
The only thing worse than an asshole is an asshole who acts nice in public.
I wish my car had a taxi meter. I would turn that sucker on anytime I am asked to drive greater than 20 miles. None of my cheap-ass friends are getting out of the car until the fare is paid!
Something is seriously wrong if you can find more of your friends on the county criminal records website than on Facebook.
Oh the father-in-law...He walks out into traffic and curses the car that nearly hits him. "I'm the pedestrian damn it!" No more than 10 minutes later, he has his head out the window of his car yelling..."get out of the road you fucking idiots!"
Let me get this straight, adults pay all the bills and children get the summer off. Oh thats fair.
If you are going on your first vacation as a new dad, there is a strong possibility that you may spend more time at Walgreens than the pool.
In the movies, the victim always knows exactly what to do at gunpoint. For once, I wish someone would do what I would do...pass the fuck out.
I hope all that hotel shampoo and lotion explodes in your bag and ruins your favorite shirt. You fucking freeloader!
The instructional diagram on the fitness machines makes no sense to me. This exercise works this muscle. Are you kidding me, I don't even have that muscle.
Contrary to public opinion, I feel that they can never put up too many McDonalds. Shit...I wish I had one in my basement.
So if you select Spanish at the ATM instead of English...will Pesos come out?
Gym workouts would be much more productive if they had theme music from Rocky playing instead of this Miley Cyrus shit.
My favorite thing about being really tall is that only Shaq can tell how much hair I have lost. He doesn't see me very often.
My wife is like a human GPS. She tells me where to go and exactly how long it should take.
Rock, paper, sissors. How did rock get in there? Shouldn't it be some other school supply like a lunch box or a dictionary?
Could you imagine the chaos if you could label your phone calls as High Importance just like your e-mails?
I am convinced that Goldilocks sneaks into my house during the week and puts all my clothes in the dirty laundry. There is no way I wore all this stuff.
I can work well with others if the others are complete fucking morons.
The older you get the less you need an actual partner to have sex.
I just tried this "singing in the rain" thing. I don't think its for me, I'm soaked.
Even when its clear I didn't win, I have a real fear of trashing any lottery ticket or sweepstakes pull-off. I refuse to be that chump you read about who held the winning ticket and threw it away.
I usually buy generics at the grocery but I draw the line with cereal. People in the check-out line look at you differently when you have box of Magic Stars instead of Lucky Charms.
If you watch Family Guy in HD, Brian looks almost like a real dog.
You say my driving is out of control and I just cut that guy off. I say my driving is well-planned and that particular move requires extreme skill and big balls.
Severity of my A.D.D. depends on the length of your story.
Sometimes I shower for so long that I can't even remember if I washed.
Make up your mind jean jacket, are you in-style or out? 3 years ago I threw you away, now I see you back in the store.
I used to really embellish my response when someone asked me, "So what do you do?" Now I simply say, "I do what I got to do man, I do what I got to do."
So you recognize that I am anal-retentive, at least you can be nice and say I am very detail-oriented.
I find it difficult to head out the door and talk on the phone at the same time. I've got my keys, my wallet, where the hell is my damn phone? You're talking on it moron!
When I say I don't want to talk about it, I usually do.
If I was the CEO of Tempur-Pedic, I would open a store next to every chiropractor's office I could find.
From the guy, to the girl, to the match makers, a blind date is generally a bad idea for everyone involved.
If clips of a tiger running are the main premise of your music video, it may be time for a new choreographer.
No matter how prepared you are for a meeting with your supervisor, success will depend solely on your supervisor's mood.
If you look at me and rub your nose, I will assume you are implying that there is something on my nose.
Work would be impossible if I was an emotional roller coaster like my 10-month old. One minute, I'm screaming and throwing food all over the break room. Next minute, I have non-stop giggles in the middle of the staff meeting.
Why do I have to spray stain remover, add bleach, add fabric softener, and use only high-efficieny detergent? Can't my $1000 washer do anything on its own?
It sucks when my best friend chooses his other boys, Bud and Bud Light, over me.
The reality of not having your mom around doesn't quite hit you until you can't find any clean underwear.
The exciting feeling of driving a brand new car off the lot is all but vanished when you see a high school student in the same car but with all the upgrades.
Why must we act cooler than we really are while on vacation? Its not like anybody is watching us.
The real reason behind the invention of the phone was bad breath.
During the final scene of Dirty Dancing last night, I just couldn’t stop myself from getting watery eyes and a big lump in my throat. I am such a pussy.
Mary, why couldn't you have a puppy like everyone else? You had to go and get a fucking little lamb.
You should get a ticket when your wheels are worth more than your car.
Did Rudolph's parents ever stop to consider that maybe his red nose was due from serious cold? After all, it was flu season.
If you want to be on time than I can't try safe. You can't have it both ways.
The FDA should pass a law that all food packaging be clear. I am tired of shaking different bags to figure out which one has more chips.
It is quite embarrassing running across the street to say hello, only to get a blank stare because she’s a mannequin.
Its hard to decide which is more tasty, the beautiful bride or that awesome 3-level cake in the corner.
Slim fit, low rise, baggy, boot cut, casual, when did this get so complicated? I just want a pair of freakin jeans!
Nothing is worse than leaving extra early to avoid rush hour only to find out that everybody else is doing the same exact thing!
Guys, after getting married, please allow up to 4 weeks for your sex request to be approved.
I didn't realize how bad the economy was until I saw Sponge Bob in our lobby waiting for an interview.
Its time to come together and bring back the full-size van. Fully loaded with a bed above the cockpit and a big fat racing stripe down the side.
Please don’t talk about yourself while I am trying to eat, it’s kind of ruining my appetite.
If employees must wash hands, can you wash your own hands? Or do you have to wait for an employee to do it for you?
When I see a crazy person on the street talking to himself, I can't help but wonder...did he used to have a job like mine?
Who are you to tell me...don't worry about it? Do you have some crystal ball that tells you what I should and shouldn’t worry about?
Are the Michelin Man and the Pillsbury Doughboy related?
Although I have no verbal response when someone tells me to put some meat on my bones, inside I am thinking…you ate all the meat you fat bastard.
If your girl calls you an asshole, maybe you should start returning her calls. If one of your boys calls you an asshole, maybe you should quit borrowing money. If your mom calls you an asshole, maybe you are just a fucking asshole.
What do you call a guy who is a great athlete, an excellent student, and has a smoking hot girlfriend? A dick.
Every mall should have a nap center for guys to go while their girls shop.
Ladies please learn how to take a complement. If I tell you your hair looks good up that doesn't mean I don't like it down.
If I were rich, the first thing I would do is hire a personal chef. I don't like fancy food but it would still be cool. Yo chef...fix me a bowl of Captain Crunch. Now!
I am starting to miss life before cell phones. Back then it was much easier to go M.I.A.
Its time to modify the old saying: "You never get a 2nd chance to make a 1st impression...and your 1st impression may be reversed when your eHarmony match actually meets you in person."
I'm sure you feel like a real bad ass for all those bar fights you have been in. But trust me, those skills are completely useless to hiring employers.
The best way to ensure that you do not make an ass of yourself is to stay at home.
I feel like on Saturday morning, I have broken my alarm clock's 5-day win streak. I usually celebrate my victory with another hour or two of sleep.
GPS would work one hell of a lot better if it just took over your steering wheel.
The worst part about getting older and wiser, is realizing that there are a shitload of things that I suck at.
The thing I like most about working with a bunch of women is having the best fucking handshake in the office.
Ah...the miracle of breast-feeding. Burn 500 calories a day while your tits double in size.
Some of the weight these muscle-heads at the gym can lift is impressive. But what maybe more impressive is how they can find clothes to fit them. Excuse Miss, do you have anything in a size 34 Deformed?
Is watching a porno with your wife, having your cake and eating it too?
Look lady, I obviously must have loosened the jar before you were able to open it.
Make no mistake, the safety of you and your family will always be compromised as long as humans are forecasting the weather.
Say what you want but reaching around and tapping someone's shoulder while you look the other way, is and always will be a fun prank with a very high success rate.
Just as I finally learned the art of typing with 2 hands, my baby daughter starts slapping the keyboard and pushing down the laptop screen. This may require a whole new dimension of spellcheck.
There is no shame in calling the next day. After all, you worked your ass off to get those digits.
The decision becomes much easier when the wallet you found has $500 in it.
With the exception of being a prostitute or a plumber, very few jobs allow you to moon your customers.
Wondering about what could not have been, if you had wore a condom, only makes the visit to the clinic worse.
Dude. Just because you hooked up with some girl during Spring Break 1992, that does not mean you can keep going down there until you're 60.
I am not worried about being late for my own funeral. Its my wife, she is fucking late for everything!
Why do I not eat before going to the movies? Instead I choose to wait in line for 10 minutes and pay $15 for a stale hot dog and a watered down coke.
Question: Whats your problem you didn't say one word to my friends? Answer: I'm sorry rough day at work. Thinking: If your friends looked like cheerleaders instead of lineman I would talk to them.
Now hiring Personal Fitness Trainers. The ideal candidate should know absolutely nothing about fitness and should not appear to be in shape. Applications submitted by certified trainers will be rejected.
I wonder how many Interventionists are drunk during the intervention?
Phone sex is a bad idea if you don't get free nights and weekends.
Why do real estate agents put their pictures on billboards? I don't look at them and think...I bet that guy sells some nice houses.
I could be wrong, but I swear Luke Skywalker wore a pair of Uggs in the first Star Wars.
You know you're right, the tanning bed is bad for me. I should do what you do and stay milky all year long and then turn into a fucking lobster the first time I get into the sun.
I wish each day I lived was saved on my DVR. If I fuck something up, I could go back and do that day over.
Make-up sex is not that great when she has a bunch of make-up on.
How awesome would it be if you could just drink a bunch of water and wash away all the carbs and saturated fat you just ate? Kind of like hosing off a bunch of crud from your driveway.
Going to Outback and not getting a steak is like going to Footlocker to buy socks.
The biggest difference between work and college is you get paid for skipping.
Yes I have changed since I got married. I have thrown out my entire porn collection and signed up for Max After Dark.
If a large zit appears right before that first big date then maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Or maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't have ate that giant size Snickers bar 2 hours ago.
"Hey what's up bro?" Translation: "I have seen you before but I have no fucking clue what your name is."
The best time to follow your first instinct is when you are approaching what appears to be a long traffic jam. Instead we always wait until we are at a complete stop and say..."Shit! I should have gotten off that exit."
People that follow guidelines like "you only live once" and "live for the moment" usually end up in jail.
Yes I am 6 foot 5. No its not windy up here. But I do notice that you have a slight dandruff problem.
Kids have tough choices to make these days. Do you go with the hippie look? the sporty look? the goth look? the hip hop look? When I was a kid there was only 1 look. Very tight jeans cuffed at the bottom with a well-groomed mullet. Done!
Give me a break! If you are going to get up at 6am, put on a professional running outfit, head band, and wrist bands...then you better be running at least faster than I can walk.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must get rid of the booty call list. But first you must ask yourself, could she find it if I keep it in the garage?
What? Breakfast quit serving 30 minutes ago! Say it isn't so Ronald.
At what point did soft drinks start accounting for half of your restaurant bill?
Everybody has to shut up when baby is sleeping but when I want to take a 10 minute nap on the couch, its the fucking Grand Orchestra in my living room.
You shouldn't criticize a guy for being mean to his girl. You really have no idea of the constant mental torture she puts him through.
To determine how many friends someone has in real life, take their online friends and divide 100. For a more precise calculation, subtract 5 more friends for every application sent from their account.
Its a trade-off. As a kid, your pissed at your parents for not getting your way. As a teenager, your pissed at your friends for being stupid. As an adult, your pissed at yourself for getting sick all the time.
There would be much fewer bad matches in the online dating world if profile pictures had an expiration date.
History should tell you that clothes purchased merely because they were on sale are not good investments.
OK double stuff oreos have been out for what 30 years? What is the hold up on the triple stuff oreo? Is there a problem with the cookie staying together? One thing is for certain, I will be the first in line when O3 is released.
If you can see your whole shoe then those jeans are high waters. Throw them away because they will never be in style.
It never fails...I hit the ball great at the driving range, go to the course later that day and make an ass of myself.
So I have heard of people falling by the wayside. But is there another way to get there? Can you walk to the wayside or drive there? I wonder if there is a McDonalds there?
Don't believe it when your girl tells you your thinning hair looks fine. "Balding men are sexy." Bull shit! You look fucking stupid, so go put a hat on.
How do you do it Mr. Hostess Ho Ho? How do you consistently offer moist chocolate cake with a soft cream in the middle? There is no way I can put you down. You certainly have my number.
There is a fine line between looking your best and looking like you're trying too hard. Unfortunately, its not your call.
Has any guy actually been approached by a girl just because he used Axe deodorant?
Statistically speaking, an inner-city narcotics cop is a very dangerous job. But do we know the statistics on the guy who operates the cart to pick up golf balls while people are hitting on the driving range?
All order registers at McDonald's should be turned around to face the customer. Even without training, the order accuracy will go up tremendously.
The biggest difference between an $8 hair cut and a $40 hair cut is a hot stylist.
You shouldn't burn your bridges. Unless, of course, they are very unsafe.
Its a vicious cycle. If you have less disposable income, you drink, smoke, and gamble more. Which results in even less disposable income. At which point you turn to drinking, smoking, and gambling.
I will not sacrifice 2 seconds of driving time to let a stranger in my lane. I will, however, sacrifice a perfectly good arm to let a stranger in the elevator.
Nothing is more satisying than extracting that stray eyelash out of your eye on the first attempt.
Is a fat guy's gut feeling more accurate than a skinny guy's?
Deja Vu is reading your ATM slip and seeing the same shitty balance everytime.
Everybody wants to have a shorter work week and a longer weekend. Problem is everyone will become fat.
Nothing pisses me off more than girls holding hands in the bar and walking around like they own the place.
I used to take the company deposits to the bank every Friday. I would save the receipts for ones over $100,000 and write my phone number on the back to use at the club that weekend. Other than my wife, no one ever called.
A boat cruise is really just a Golden Corral on water.
I typically thrive in confrontational situations but I am scared to death of the kid behind the check-out counter when he glares at me and asks why I am returning this.
Do you think Tiger would have such a large following if his name was Kitty Woods?
Saying "Yes" means she can finally plan a wedding better than her friends. It really has nothing to do with you.
It's official, my mother-in-law is a hoarder. I helped her move about 15 large bins out of the closet. Each bin tagged with the child's name and year. Inside one bin was my brother-in-law's jock strap and cup from little league football.
I wonder if the remaining hairs on my head miss their friends.
Why won't someone invent a hairspray that doesn't get a sticky film on the spray cap? Hair spray is not very useful when it sprays in your eye or straight up in the air.
I am so jealous of my baby daughter. She can shit while playing with toys. She gets new clothes every day no questions asked. But the best part is, she gets an all night buffet to my wife's breast.
Watching Mickey Mouse with my baby daughter all day everyday. Goofy can't get anything right. Donald has a terrible attitude. Daisy is hot. And Mickey always has the right answer. I hate that short bastard.
New Rule: Anyone wearing compression gear has to be approved by me or a certified personal trainer. This clothing was designed for athletes not slobs.
A cute girl just gave me the look. Little does she know that I am all fake, from my tan to my hair transplant. Shit, even my walk is controlled by custom-made orthotics.
Why the hell are mall cops even on the payroll? Usually some pewny teenager or some out-of-shape 50 year old hanging out at the Pretzel Shop. I am more worried about the Gap girl chasing me down with stolen jeans than those clowns.
I have been coming here for years, and you have never once asked me for a job Mr. Abercrombie Store Manager. Is it because I am 39 years old and I look stupid in these clothes anyways.
Can I have my old lifeguard job back with my current salary, benefits, and vacation time?
Firing employees is very similar to breaking up with your girlfriend. Of course, you don't keep sleeping with them for months after their terminated.
I have declared war with my wife's closet. I invaded the territory with hangers and organizers. However, I under-estimated the enemy's ability to scatter and more importantly, multiply. I have nothing left and I will withdraw from this battle today.
Why do people criticize me when I order a Diet Coke with my McGriddle? Defeating the purpose they say. Is the purpose to maximize the calories when eating fast food?
When you are finally wise enough to know what to do when a hot girl smiles at you, you are no longer hot enough for her to smile at you.
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