Ruminations
Wait, so if I fill out this survey, I get a chance to win 500$ at KFC? Yeah, still no.
1 
When a professor makes a small spelling error on the board, even though it slightly irritates me, all I will do is look around the room to see if anyone also acknowledges the mistake and say nothing because I don't want to be "that guy."
Sometimes I get gas just so I can clean my windows with the squeegee.
There's no such thing as "some facial tattoos." You either have tattoos on your face or you don't. In a similar way, you're either crazy, or you're not crazy.
I never really believed in Chinese astrology, but being born in the year of the dragon makes me feel like a fucking bad ass.
When will scientists genetically engineer lobster that is just tail and claw? It's the only part we eat anyways.
Isn't every Santa a secret Santa? Your kids don't know it's you.
When you tell me time, and you use a relative time like "half past twelve," it makes me think that reading analog clocks is difficult for you.
You don't want me "make myself at home." Trust me, that would involve less pants being on, and all your peanut butter being eaten with a spoon.
When I'm taking money out at the ATM, I always hope for some kind of error and a lot of money comes spewing out.
There needs to be a better way to high five yourself without looking like an idiot clapping above your head.
If you decide to grow a beard you are making a commitment never to cry.
There are 2 things I am certain about life: I love watching sports and I love beer. The guy that first combined the 2 deserves a medal.
You can only advertise it as "homemade soup" if you live at the store where you sell soup.
I want to ride a Rascal scooter, but I don't want to wait until I'm old. I don't think I'll enjoy it as much.
I've done over 1000 food deliveries now, and I can say for a fact that pornos lie. Hot moms don't invite you in when they "accidentally order too much food."
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