Ruminations
A friend posted that Chile's earthquake may have shifted the Earth's axis...I can't help but hope that will benefit me in the long run.
1 
Please disregard the previous e-mail as it was written under the influence of my ovaries.
Nothing sucks more than waking up at 4 a.m. when I have to be up for work in two hours unless I'm awake at 4 a.m. on a morning when I could have slept in.
When working closely with people who are complete morons, I'm finding it harder and harder not to write things like 'jackass' or 'idiot' in the margins of their papers.
I've decided to start buying presents for myself when other people get married. Immersion hand blender, here I come. Oh, you thought this was for you? No, no. You're married now...use your husband's money if you want the nice things I buy for myself.
When I asked my boyfriend's opinion on dresses, he picked the one with the most voluptuous model. I said, "My breasts aren't going to look like hers." Him: "Your berries will looks great." Berries? Couldn't you lie and say 'melons' or something?
Life is like a math equation that I always answer wrong. Cost of flying to VA for my best friend's wedding: $350, Cost of Driving: $150, Cost of speeding ticket in Dinwiddie, VA: $392. Deciding factor: If I drive, I can stop at the Cheesecake Factory
If I don't get off work, then to me, it's not really a holiday. Sorry, President's Day.
It's an ugly, ugly thing when you go from being the fun-loving chick who never wants to settle down to the paranoid nut who just wants him to propose so you can feel, you know secure about the future. I know. I suck.
Getting heavily tipsy during a late lunch on a Friday almost guarantees that on Monday, you'll need to scan your outbox for messages you may have to follow-up with a 'logical' explanation for why they make no sense.
When the words on my computer start blurring up, I just pray it's a glitch in the computer's functioning and not some stroke thing.
Is it wrong that I'm more excited about planning my best friend's bachelorette party than I am at the prospect of having to one day plan a wedding for myself?
Yes, I understand that it's highly statistically unlikely for me to be attacked by a shark, but I'd rather not take my chances and stay on the sheet with a Pina Colada, thanks.
There are so many days when I wonder if my boss also wonders why the heck they hired me.
You love me and can't live without me. Awe...that's so sweet, but you know, jewelry speaks louder than words.
I wish ticketmaster would let me pick my own seats from those available instead of me having to give mine away and try again. I'm always scared in trying to get a better spot, tickets will sells out completely.
Going from being a grad student one semester to a college professor the next feels like I'm switching over to the Dark Side.
Netflix needs to streamline more Christmas movies. I can watch "A Christmas Story" only so many times.
Considering the divorce rate, I don't think marrying for money the first couple times around is such a bad idea anymore.
When Britney Spears' kids grow up to be porn stars, is that going to be a surprise? At all?
It's fun to cut in front of someone who is obviously trying to stay three car lengths behind the car in front of them and then watch them fade three car lengths behind you. That's right, quit slowing me down, Responsible Motorist.
I wonder if that first glass of wine will ever NOT be the best part of my day.
I bitterly resent the people who didn't go to college but make more money than I do.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm smart.
An ordinary pub crawl sounds a thousand times funner when it's a zombie pub crawl.
I left my phone at home. My work day will be spent figuring out how to schedule a fake meeting that gives me an hour to leave and get my phone. I'll put it off until it makes more sense to leave an hour early, but who meets at the end of the day?
It is much easier lie and apologize insincerely than it is to argue.
I was thinking about a self-defense course offered at my university until I read that it costs $15 and I'd have to scrap a whole Saturday. "No, no thanks. If I'm ever attacked, I'll just go with my original plan to scream and pass out."
Swine Flu shot? No, thank you. Hangover shot? Where do I sign up?
I always immediately tell guys who are interested that I'm a difficult person, that way, a year into the relationship, when they're ripping their hair out and screaming, "You're such a pain my the ass!" I can say, "You were warned."
No one in my office knew it was National Kids Walk to School Day today, but I bet about 90,000 pedophiles did.
Today is National Kids Walk to School Day. That's ironic. It's also Be Late For Work Because of Meaningless National Days Day. Sorry, Congress, but one day isn't going to fix the childhood fatass epidemic.
You know you're old when part of your prep for a long night out involves a three hour power-nap.
Damn you Bath and Body Works for putting your seasonal oils on sale the day after I decided to stock up.
I love getting stuff I ordered online in the mail...it's like a randomly scheduled un-birthday gift for me that so happens to also be from me. The only way to improve this would be if my state let me buy and ship bottles of wine to myself.
When I plan by best friend's bachelorette party next year, my only two questions are going to be: Will you mother be there? Followed by how wasted do you want to be?
A fair exchange for my having to deal with stupid, illiterate people during my work day is for me to be allowed to keep a little emergency bottle of Scotch in my desk drawer.
It's much easier to never show up to the office at all than it is to leave early.
Successfully completing a Master's thesis is as rewarding that giving birth.
While wearing animal fur is cruel to the animals, wearing animal print is cruel to fellow humans.
Sales mess with women's minds. I'd never pay $250 for shoes full-price, but if they're $250 shoes marked down from $750? Well, Buddy, you have yourself a deal!
I don't care if you're really nice or hot, if you don't have a degree, this isn't going to go anywhere. Oh wait, you have a trust fund? That changes everything....
My living and driving habits are remarkably similar. I always know where I'm going, usually know about how to get there, and I know when I want to arrive.
It's safe to say that if I couldn't shop online, I would be debt free and my savings account wouldn't look so anorexic.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, write a blog about it.
Why do people drive the same speed side by side? I always feel like they're uniting just to piss me off.
Nobody wants to hear common sense advice when they're irrationally angry.
The skinnier the model, the costlier and more stylish the outfit.
There should be some kind of national alert for when Starbucks raises their prices so I can avoid that classy freak-out moment where I think the cashier is trying to rip me off at the register.
The only way to win with uncooperative electronics is to unplug them.
The ability to understand sarcasm is a sign of intelligence and should be used in all standardized testing procedures.
Apparently, the reason I got a Master's is so I could be the smartest server at the effing Olive Garden.
Why has no one proposed a federal ex-girlfriend relocation program?
I unabashedly judge everyone based on their grammar skills with the exception of my boyfriend; he is judged purely on his sexual performance.
The thing that sucks the most about being robbed at gunpoint is that you never actually bust out any of the nut-crunching ninja moves you fantasized about before such a thing ever happened.
A sign at Sonic reads, "Buy a drink. Help kids learn." That just begs to be taken out of context.
If you still write checks at the grocery store, go directly to the 50 items or more line. Do not even think about getting in the express line, you slow bastards.
I fantasize about the settlement I'd get if only I could accidentally slip, fall, and break a bone in Wal-Mart.
Watching other people argue is so much more freaking fun. Just once, I want to have a bowl of popcorn and a beverage handy so I can enjoy the full effect. Let the games begin!
There comes a time in every relationship when saying, "I'm sorry," is more about forking over power than it is about being right and wrong. Needless to say, I'm not sorry.
Putting my iPod on shuffle just reminds me of what horrible taste I have in music.
The best part about being a New Orleans Saints fan is that even if we lose, we still party because it's New Orleans.
Every time I hear Taylor Swift's song, "Love Story", I wonder if she's ever read "The Scarlet Letter" and knows what it's actually about. I'm thinking no.
Until I see my planner or a calender, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do every day.
Oh, I see you changed your profile name from 'Dora' to 'Mrs. His-Bitch'? Thanks for letting us know you never had an identity in the first place.
Just once, I'd like to burst through the chapel doors and, with impeccable timing, shout, "Stop the wedding!"
I genuinely believe that if she met me, Natalie Portman would want to be my best friend too.
A disgustingly old dude was checking me out in the parking lot outside of Target the other day, and my first thought was, "Well, at least he's not a pedophile," as I breathed a sigh of relief for 9 year-old boys everywhere.
It seems I've chosen wine over losing the last 5 lbs.
I love the feeling of reverse validation I get when someone I dislike makes a poor decision.
I know a woman who is 26 and has five children all under the age of 6. I totally get that children are a blessing from God, but you know what? So is birth control.
If you drive a van, I assume you are a somewhat heavy middle-aged woman who is overly cautious, and I reserve the right to speed past you without signaling.
My boyfriend's ex could still be a virgin, but to me, she'll always be a whore.
I get the best consolations prizes in relationships. I've gotten a bed, a television, a grill, and a couch thus far. My current boyfriend was like, "Geez, what's next!? A house?" to which I replied, "That's called a divorce."
If an end-of-the-day meeting runs late, I'll come in late the next day to make up for it, but on any given day if I arrive to work late, I'm still leaving at 5 p.m. on the dot.
Whoever decided "Where are you from?" was a pickup line should have discussed this with the female gender first, because when anyone asks me that, I assume they want directions. "Yes, the other end of the bar is how you get the hell away from me."
I think it's nicer to say, "No thank you," and keep walking than to stop and listen to a 5 minute spiel about something I'll never buy from the kiosk guy who wants to ask me a "quick" question.
Thank you for the reminder, Mastercard. I know I'm approaching my credit line. There's nothing I can do about it right now, however, so please stop emailing me.
I only feel guilty about telling the kiosk solicitation guy 'no' if I've made eye contact with him.
To gas station owners nationwide: Would it kill you to put a rain cover over the air/vac service? Thanks assholes.
People who wear their sunglasses during $5 garage Texas Hold'Em games are hilarious. It's not World Poker Tour, Champ. Half the people playing don't know when it's their turn to bet, let alone if you're bluffing with pocket pairs.
Even though I think they make everyone who uses them look like a total douchebag, I still really want a netbook.
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