Ruminations
Last night I was discussing with my 8-year-old son how I've been going to the gym to lose weight. He asked me how much time I spend at the gym. I said that I go for about one hour each time. He replies back, "Mom, you can't go for just one hour, you need to go for at least three hours each time." Bastard.
2 
Gentlemen, nothing screams PUSSY-WHIPPED louder than carrying your woman's purse! If I see you on the street carrying your girlfriend's purse, I will stop you, compliment your Coach bag, and ask if you have a MANGINA!
A guy recently told me that I don't talk enough. That was the craziest thing I have EVER heard a guy say to a girl!
I really don't get "In Loving Memory of" decals on cars! I know it's sad and all when people die, but what's the point of advertising a dead person's name and years lived . . . on your car of all places?! Do complete and total strangers care that grandma lived from 1922 to 2006! The answer is NO.
My son and I play lots of card and board games together. You know, Sorry, UNO, Go Fish, Blackjack, Texas Hold'em. I don't let him win, ever! He has to win on his own merits. There's one game that he always kicks my ass at - Memory. I just can't remember where that damn apple or elephant is hiding! He will win me at this game every time! Mommy has really killed some brain cells over the years!
I love how some of the guys on this site are only fans of the really hot chicks! Like what, because you're her fan, you might have a chance?!
If I like a guy, I'll have sex on the first date. C'mon, there's no point in waiting until the 3rd or 4th date to find out whether or not he has a 4 inch dick!
Camel toe is like a fart . . . it's a joke that's always funny!
Really old broad?! You're 60 and you dress like you're 21? What makes you think 60-year-old cleavage is attractive? Your cleavage looks like plumbers crack! And the short skirt? You think the world wants to see your wrinkly ass?!
So, I went camping this last weekend. I thought I packed all the essentials, but upon arriving realized I forgot shampoo, soap, deodorant. Funny how a 3-pack of condoms made it into my backpack before I left home!
I think we all have that friend who still speaks of the "glory days" of high school. I would like to tell that friend to GET OVER IT! High school was ten years ago, Dude! It's time to move on!
Why would you name your fast food restaurant "OK Chinese" or your nail salon "OK Nails"? I mean, if I'm starving and craving some Chinese, I want "Greasy, Satisfying" Chinese food, not "OK, Mediocre" Chinese. And, if my toes are funky and I need a pedi, I don't want "OK" toes, I want "Sparkling, Clean-ass, Funky-free toes"!
So, I was recently at a nightclub with some friends in Los Angeles, minding my own business, drinking a Corona. A guy started to hit on me. I wasn't mean, but it was obvious that I wasn't interested. He turned to me and said, So, can I buy you a Corona or a SlimFast?" WTF?! I just stood there, speechless. He got me good! I'm usually quick with the comebacks, but I had no response to this one!
Does it bother anyone else when people talk with food in their mouthes? Even if you tuck you food in the side of your cheek, I still know it's there! Seriously, next time someone attempts this, I'm going to gently put my hand over his or her mouth, and say, "Shut up, and don't talk to me until that bite is traveling to your stomach!"
When my son (8 yrs old) acts up I tell him that I'm going to give him up for adoption. He's so used to hearing me say this, he only responds back, "Thank you, thank you, God!"
I think my biggest fear in life is a Freudian slip in the middle of an important presentation to a significant client. I fear for life that instead of saying, “We will be successful” I will say, “We will have sex.” Or, instead of saying, “We are honored to be here” I say, “We are horny to be here.” Oh, the nightmares!
I went out on a blind date not too long ago. The guy was funny, interesting, witty, but there was just one catch – his head was way too small! I’m not talking just a little smaller than normal; I’m talking noticeably and embarrassingly small! I’m not a shallow person, really, but every time I looked at him I kept thinking of the shrunken head, dead people in the waiting room of Beetle Juice!
I think it's hilarious how every guy thinks every other guy not in his group of friends is a tool! Does this mean that every guy is a tool?
Going dutch on a first date?! Yeah, this recently happened to me. Date was going great, until the bill came! My date and I both reached for the bill, he grabbed it first, opened it, and said, "Ok, $40 each." I said, "What?" He replies back, "Yeah, I always go dutch on my first date because you don't know if you'll see that person again." I immediately thought to myself, "this guy doesn't get many 2nd dates!" I mean, I don't mind picking up the bill when on a date. Dutch is for friends and coworkers out to lunch on Fridays!
Really, I don't get chicks with really nice, fake boobies and BAD teeth!
VanHernan is a fan of...
Fans of VanHernan
ukmusicfiend