Ruminations
I think the worst kind of douchebag is the guy who keeps track of his stats during a pick-up basketball game. No, I didn't see your 11 points and 8 rebounds, and no, I don't want to hang out with you...ever.
0 
I think the guy at the ball game that is throwing tee-shirts into the crowd has WAY too much power...and he knows it...
In America, we dip fries in Frosties, and then wonder why we are fat. I'll give you a hint, it might have been the fried food you were dipping in the frozen fat.
I am convinced there is a vast conspiracy that keeps shows like "Two and a Half Men" on air while canceling quality programs like "Arrested Development". There is not a chance in hell that 14 million people in the country watch that pile of shit.
There is no such thing as "too old for beer pong".
Just so we are clear, if I introduce you to someone I am with before I address you by your name, I don't know your name.
I know you can be disgruntled, but can you ever just be gruntled?
It's amazing how, as soon as you leave high school, everything high schoolers do is as annoying as shit.
I will literally sign up for anything for a free T-shirt.
It is never ever OK to drink beer from a straw...EVER.
No matter how old I get, I cannot resist the temptation to pop bubble wrap.
why must the doorman insist on marking my hand with permanent marker? It makes it a lot harder to hide that I went to a bar on Tuesday night at work on Wednesday morning...
You would think that by age 25 I would be able to eat a frozen treat without getting a brain freeze. Sadly, I cannot.
I wonder what the applications for reality TV look like...do you drink to excess? Check. Promiscuous? Check. Lack of ambition? Check. Are you a douche? Check. Do you possess no real value to society? Check. Well have I got the job for you..
Nobody hates to say I told you so, especially my mother.
Why is it that the only people willing to pump twenty bucks into the jukebox always happen to be enthusiastic fans of soulja boy?
I once read it took Michelangelo four years to paint the Sistine Chapel. I bet it would take Bob Ross four episodes, max.
I was at the store, and I was going through the checkout line and handed the bagger some reusable bags. He stared at them for a moment and then proceeded to put the already full plastic bags into them. I then went home and burned my reusable bags.
Condoms are like college textbooks: you buy them with great intentions of using them, but we all know they're staying in the wrapper...
Alright, everybody, it's official. Hermione is hot.
I am seriously considering moving to New York for no other reason than to find the Cash Cab.
It is amazing how hard I will work for a phone number that, after I sober up, I realize I never wanted in the first place.
I absolutely hate going out to eat with friends who I know to be shitty tippers. I always end up feeling like I have to fucking compensate.
Note to Taco Bell Drive-thru guy: Two sauces is not sufficient for six tacos.
The amount of ass you get is inversely related to how good you are at Halo 3.
If you disagree so vehemently about the pronunciation of "potato" and "tomato", then maybe you SHOULD call the whole thing off...
I never understood the point of having commercials for HD television shown on regular TV...
If you are playing a guitar at a house party, there is a 90 percent chance that you are a douche bag.
I'm not sure if "Sorry, bro" shows the proper level of remorse after somebody vomits on your new jacket.
I can't help but feel that England is fucked if they ever have to call on Sir Elton John and the rest of the "knights" to defend them.
Is there a less satisfying "sexual act" than dry-humping? If you told me that this was as far as I was going to get tonight, I probably wouldn't have invited you up.
It is impossible to look manly sniffing a glass of wine.
Its sad that it took the death of Michael Jackson to get MTV to play music videos again.
If I spend $400 on a plane ticket, $200 on a tux rental, and $100 on a wedding gift, you better have an open bar at the wedding.
I believe that the bacon cheeseburger is always canceled out by the bag of carrots eaten directly afterward.
I realized I was becoming an old, sentimental bastard when I teared up at the end of 'Cool Runnings'.
You know you a bachelor when you have taken a conditioner shower.
I have found the perfect hangover cure: Thanksgiving dinner.
Note to self: "This is where all of the girls are" is not considered an acceptable response to a police officer when asked why you were in the women's restroom.
There isn't a higher high in the world than when you are just tearing up Jeopardy, and not a lower low than when you figure out that its the teen tournament.
Smurfette had to be a turbo slut. She was the only chick in town, and there were plenty of little smurfs running around.
After cycling through my photos and the albums of a few friends, I've come to the realization that Facebook has ruined the political prospects of an entire generation.
I read somewhere that Miley Cyrus is writing her memoirs...really? I'm sure life as Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter is full of hijinks and pratfalls and cool stories about mullets and sweet tea, but I am just not sure if your life experience (3 years on the Disney channel) warrants a pamphlet, let alone a whole book. I could probably fit your memoirs on a piece of "Hello Kitty" stationary, where that steaming pile of shit belongs.
Remember the good old days when children's television meant Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and Saturday morning cartoons? Nowadays, it means grown men in creepy costumes, inappropriately suggestive situations, and more symbolism and hidden messages than I could ever keep track of. Its like a cross between a Tim Burton movie and a Prince concert.
Please don't complain to me about $4 per gallon gas while drinking a $5 cup of coffee.
An ever-present Bluetooth is like a giant sign that says "Hey I am a giant douchebag!". Thanks for letting me know ahead of time.
There are a few things that are givens in life: the government will always tax us, the Cubs will blow it in the playoffs, and I will only crave Chic-fil-A on Sunday.
One costume I think it is safe to say we won't be seeing on Halloween: "Sexy McCain".
Sometimes I wish it was socially acceptable for a grown man to wear velcro sneakers.
I don't care if its free, and I don't care if I need it. Because of those damn commercials, I will never, ever use freecreditreport.com.
Sometimes I wish I was a dog. Then maybe the cops wouldn't have cared I was peeing on my neighbor's lawn while hammered last night.
Beer slogans, I see right through you. Milwaukee's Best is "brewed for a man's taste". That's just a euphism for "this beer tastes like toilet water".
Top Chef is like the gateway drug of Bravo reality TV shows. You start off by watching Top Chef every once in a while, then you think, maybe I'll try out Project Runway (Heidi Klum is hot). Then all of the sudden, its three months later, you are curled up in the fetal position in a cold sweat watching Shear Genius, with a half empty box of Franzia on your coffee table.
Tommyboy is a fan of...
Fans of Tommyboy
shakez
eema2boys
bbalzly