Ruminations
Any time someone says, "and I was like..." when telling a story, I know they didn't actually say what they were thinking.
2 
I blame Hollywood for my irrational fear of being alone in parking decks.
I am anxiously awaiting the conversion to digital TV on February 17th, if only to see the local news coverage of the idiots that are pissed because they "weren't told about it."
I don't care which part of the country you live in, any day with more than 4 inches of snow should be a federally mandated snow day.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
I'm looking forward to 4 more years of pointing out cars that still proudly display bumper stickers for the losing candidates.
Why is it okay to blow your nose into your hands in the shower and let the water clean them, but you would never do it anywhere else and just wash them in a sink?
Facebook ruined spontaneous sick days. What's the point if you can't update your status or add photos to show how much fun you had on your day off? You have to plan the sick day well in advance to avoid tipping off your boss, which defeats the purpose.
Every time I hit my head on something I reach up to feel if I'm bleeding at least 50 times over the next 5 minutes.
I do not endorse the nacho pile. Make them individually or get them outta my face.
The end of daylight savings time seems awesome on the one night we get to sleep an extra hour, but not so awesome for the next 6 months when it gets dark before the workday ends.
Dudes with pointy toe dress shoes: you look like a freaking elf.
My upstairs neighbors are either innocently playing Twister or not-so-innocently playing hide the salami. Either way, I think yelling "right hand red!" will throw them off their game.
I immediately question your level of gratitude or sincerity when your email signature is already set to "Thanks, So-and-so" or "Sincerely, So-and-so".
The local news station tries too hard to keep people around for the 11pm broadcast. For example, the weather guy comes on around 9:30 and says, "Get out your umbrellas, I'll tell you why at eleven." I'm no meteorologist, but I'm pretty sure he just gave away the punchline.
Dear new female Facebook friends,
I don't care how we know each other, my first click after accepting your invite is to your Photos page.
Signed, Dudes
I'm not sure which d-bag in my office rigged the bathroom sink to blow a gasket and soak the front of my pants, but well done. Mission accomplished. You are a comedic genius.
I like big butts. But unlike Sir Mix-a-Lot I have to lie because my wife doesn't have one.
I'm a happily married guy but I've noticed that every Rumination that mentions a spouse in the first sentence will never get more than 7 gourmets, which leads me to two conclusions: 1) There are only 6 other married people on this site, and 2) We need a less fun but more stable version of Ruminations for married people.
Managing relationships in real life should be as easy as it is on Facebook. Some annoying guy following you around, always calling to hang out? "BLOCK"...you never hear from him again. See some hot person and want to stalk their photos? "SEND FRIEND REQUEST"...and just sit back and wait.
My wife doesn't let me watch "Dirty Jobs" during dinner because sometimes Mike Rowe has to shovel sewage or artificially inseminate a farm animal. But she has no problem turning on the Discovery Health Channel to watch "A Baby Story" show live births of babies covered in blood while I gag on my spaghetti.
No, I don't want to be in your $50 Fantasy Football league. I happen to be the worst Fantasy Football player ever. I use the Ronco strategy: "Set it and forget it" because I'm too lazy to remember to check my roster and weed out the sick/inujured/suspended/bye/horrible/imprisoned players. I'm the only guy in America that still had Mike Vick as my starting QB halfway through last season. Apparently it's hard to play football in prison. I'd rather spend my $50 on beer and wings since I know it won't be completely wasted.
I would definitely buy more Speedo swimsuits if Michael Phelps said what he is really thinking after winning a gold medal. Instead of the scripted "I'm just glad to be here representing the USA. All the hard work paid off", all I want to hear him say "I'M RICH BITCH!"
I can't pass a car on the highway without glancing over to see if it's driven by a hot chick. Similarly, I can't let a car pass me without checking either. But what really creeps me out is when I find myself making awkward eye contact with some other similarly disappointed dude.
Ever notice that athlete's foot commercials show a foot on fire but jock itch and yeast infection commercials don't? Wouldn't a flaming crotch be a pretty effective sales tool for the Monistat folks?
I get so sick of fast food chains that try to go upscale like Arby's and Panera. If you're going to charge me $8 for a damn chicken sandwich (fries extra, of course) AND make me bus my own table, I'm gonna get you back. You want me to sort my trash into neat piles of plates, silverware and glassware? Nope, not until you pay ME to do something your employees should be doing already. Your fancy-ass "real" silverware goes in the trash just like the cheap stuff.
I hate getting invited to "chat" with customer service reps online when I am trying to buy something. I did it once and it was like chatting with my grandmother...each response takes 45 seconds and has perfect punctuation, spelling, grammar, and capitalization.
What happens after marriage that causes women to see the world differently? Last night I suggested my wife and I ride our bikes to the local ice cream stand about 3 miles away. When we were dating she would have thought it was a romantic date and a memorable occasion. But now that we are married she gave me the "Why the f*** would I want to do that?" look, as if I had just suggested we sacrifice her dog to appease the gods of monogamous relationships.
Ever notice how all of your friends' wedding websites are written from the girl's perspective? It's all mushy and romantic, no matter how much of an ass the guy is. I don't care about the proposal or how your floral arrangements remind you of the bouquet he brought on your first date. I want to read the guys' perspective. Unfortunately they only publish those in Penthouse Forums and my wife won't let me read those...
When somebody is talking about you behind your back, why do they ask if your ears are burning? Is that supposed to make you feel good? Wouldn't a less painful clue be better? You can have your burning ears...I would prefer a playful nibble.
I'm not a fan of new social media sites. 9 out of 10 fail, but it's my job to keep up with them. When I hear about a new one, I create an account and "friend" the other 10 users, who happen to be the same 10 people that try out every other site as soon as the doors open. Do they think I am as big of a lonely dork as I think they are? Is there such a thing as nerd by association?
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