Ruminations
the only time i recite a rap lyric is when i'm speeding through traffic screaming "move bitch, get out tha way".
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interesting typo on my sushi menu for today's beer special: Cools Right.
i don't pass out on my bathroom floor because i've been throwing up all the alcohol i've been consuming all night, it's just because the tiles are so nice and cool.
i know i'm not the best driver, but whenever some one else is driving me anywhere, i always freak out and try stomping on the invisible brakepedal in the passenger seat because they aren't slowing down fast enough.
just to fuck with everyone's mind at my work, i steal all of their pens and leave just the pen lid. i just counted the mountain of pens i have hidden in my drawer... 239, is that considered stealing company property, and what should i do with the loot...
i was just informed that posting a paper outlining proper measure to obtain acceptable personal hygiene was not appropriate. i'm sorry but if i have to draw diagrams to help teach people how to wash their body in an office environment in the first place, there's a fucking problem.
i came to work this morning to find that: A) all internet radio station/music players have been banned from use. and B) facebook is no longer banned! props to getting your priorities straight IT guys.
if you give me a pack of paper clips, it's guaranteed i will straighten each one of those mo-fo's. who really needs them anyways, it's called a staple and a staple remover.
Forgetting to bring doughnuts to work when it's your turn is an easy way to make 26 grudge holding enemies.
getting promoted to customer relations is always fun when you have 8 visible piercings on your face/ears!
why thank you sharp and pointy letter opener for re-informing me who is actually running the show around this office.
the only reason i'm always fifteen to twenty minutes late to meeting everyone is because i don't want to be mistaken for a hooker/callboy, again...
I showed up to work last week with snakebites(double lip piercings) and both my nostrils pierced, no one has said anything yet or even shown the slightest interest. I feel invisible.
the joke is on me when I am so involved in gossiping that I end up walking into a pole. karma is a bitch...
10 minutes into my shift and i've already determined my day is going to consist entirely of texting my friends to plan the drunken escapades of easter long weekend.
why does my nose have to pour like the niagra falls whenever i eat something even a little bit spicey, way to be attractive on a first date and eating a dynamite roll...
i despise how my favourite cereal leaves my mouth feeling like i've been chewing on 10,000 razors. Damn you Cap'n Crunch! Damn you.
I tried on a $1,400 pair of Dolche&Gabanna shoes yesterday that were covered completely with rhinestones. it broke my heart when I realized I would have no problem paying that much for them if I had the money...
i know i've had too many tequila shots when i can't taste how bad it is anymore.
i've come to realize. no matter how old i am, or how much facial hair i can "cultivate" i will still look like a 17 year old boy. i'm 24.
i've been living on my own for a year and a half. my version of grocery shopping is actually just toiletries shopping. and my bill has never been more than $40. if i actually bought food, i wouldn't be able to afford the important things, like deoderant or toilet paper.
my inner child dies a little when i go to a pool that has no diving board.
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