Ruminations
I was trying to type in "masturbate", but Swype gave me "marinate" instead... Good enough.
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I love Swype because it knows I'm high and it accepts me for who I am...
Laptops need to come with adjustable feet, like a washing machine, because I have yet to find a cafe with a single flat table in it...
It is impossible to think straight or focus on anything while someone is watching bondage porn in the same room; it's the most distracting thing I've never felt inclined to stop...
Every time I realize something I'm not familiar with is in my pocket, I feel like Bilbo Baggins...
If I had put away the laundry after I did it last, I would have known that I still had enough clean towels left to not need to do laundry again yet!
Any day that you fail to bother with putting pants on is either going to be really really good or really really bad...
Call of Duty has got nothing compared to the sense of accomplishment I feel from a successful kill after spending twenty minutes chasing a fly around the house...
The year is 2010. If you don't have a dishwasher in your kitchen, guess where my cup is going? That's right! By the sink! Yes, it would be nice if "everyone did their own dishes", but it's not my fault you always have company!
A school zone isn't always a bad thing! None of the local MILF bothered with bras today when they stepped out to walk the kids to school; it was glorious!
Bad things happen to people who don't have irrational fears. The rest of us just stress...
You have no idea what state I am in right now except Texas.
I carry so much crap in my pockets that my pants become three-day Bat Utility Belts before being cycled out. It's not about avoiding laundry, I swear!
Nice try, Bud Light, but what am I going to tell my other "7,000 closest friends" that don't get to come to the party?
Two cases of beer go down in one night and when you wake up, thirsty and dehydrated, you discover that I polished off the last of the OJ. And you have the utter gall to ask me what happened to all the juice?
I wonder if anyone has gone to the trouble of listing their gold pieces from World of Warcraft in the prenuptual agreement before getting married. Otherwise, you might lose half of them to the woman that supported your dirty gaming habit...
If you want to plan game server maintenance at a smart time, try doing it in the middle of the day, please, when I have to work. Midnight thru dawn is peak playing time, you fools!
Why would you make a cast iron skillet without an insulated handle?!? Thank you for tricking me into burning the shit out of my hand...
The washer and dryer are being reclaimed today and I'll have to mobilize to wash cloths afterward? Yeah, that's pretty much what it takes to get me to do my own laundry without first running out of clean clothes...
If you are talking to me when I am obviously unable to hear you very well, don't think I feel any responsibility for knowing what you are talking about...
If someone cleans the bathroom before I have a chance to shower in it, I feel like I've "missed my window" and must now wait until tomorrow before I can bathe...
The reason that I am afraid of getting Alzheimer's is that I won't remember how to log in to anything anymore; I can't think of anything that would be more impactful than forgetting all my passwords...
Electronic music is one thing but I'm tired of songs that sound like ringtones, making me wish someone would just answer their damned phone, instead of allowing me to enjoy the music...
A cellphone on low power hooked up to a car charger is like a wound that refuses to heal because you won't stop picking at it...
Just because I am always down to hang doesn't mean I don't appreciate a request to do so. Assuming I will always be down with activities is your own risk.
Do I know what I want? The answer is seldom going to be 'no'. I am not the one we are waiting on...
My parents call me at what I consider odd hours, so when it comes time for some drunk dialing at 2am, they should be fair game...
Thank you for trying, but the shift from "windows" to "tabs" in my browser experience still hasn't addressed the fundamental problem of crashing after I have so many web pages open...
I'd like to advise people to find something that they love to do and then find a way to get paid doing it, but I'm afraid it would just lead to rampant prostitution...
Just knowing that John Cusack stars in "2012" makes the chances of it actually being the date of the apocalypse seem that much smaller...
Every time I am forced to download a new iTunes update, I look for it to magically remove all of the songs that I have long since deleted from my computer already... what's up with that, anyway?
By the time an author puts out a sequel, I've just about forgotten who my favorite characters were and why. It's just less painful to read series that are already fully published...
My thermostat needs to know when I'm half-naked and adjust accordingly...
Maybe if I close this IE window and open up a new one, it will finally be able to see the internet...
Went to bed with a food-coma after eating and now I wake up hungry? Why does this make me feel a sense of deja vu? I'm afraid to eat now...
So I'm outside, and I hear high pitched buzzing. For a moment or two I tried backing away and swatting around me to make the mosquito go away... but then the motorcycle racing nearby got closer and I realized there wasn't really a mosquito after all.
Getting a text message reply of "I'm watching a movie" is not an indication of a good time to text back "what are you watching?"
Did you ever just ask yourself "who am I?" and realize that you hadn't decided yet?
If I were a ninja, I would have to be on non-stop anxiety meds. You gotta be ready for anything, and that would kill me...
The problem with late night revelations about life is that nobody you know is going to appreciate them at 4am the same way that you do...
Amazon, I don't have a Kindle, and I don't want one. Now can you please stop pushing all your re-Kindle-ized crap at me so that I can go back to buying actual books again?
There is no such thing as "you-peel'em" shrimp. There is shrimp that was properly removed from the shell and there is "I-peel'em", otherwise known as keep the mess and the waste of time and bring me a dish I can just fucking eat...
Office layoffs should be conducted Survivor-style, with the employees voting out the weakest link...
If doctors really wanted you to take your meds regularly, they'd make them addictive...
I'm one of those drivers that if you, as a passenger, point and say "Ooh! Look at that!" I will frequently turn in that direction, misunderstanding the phrase as an instruction for navigation...
Yes, Verizon, I would really love to get a new free phone, but you still don't carry the iPhone or G1, so why would I bother? I know, this is how you say you don't like having customers anymore...
Giving a latte to a five year old before returning him to his mother is just as funny as it sounds, unfortunately...
If I had quit smoking recently, you would all be dead after the day I've had...
So I'm self-employed and keep my own hours. It doesn't help much when everyone else is still busy working. Who the hell am I supposed to hang out with during the day? Your job is inconveniencing my social life, dammit...
Where the hell did Huey, Dewey and Louie come from? Does Disney have an unwed mother hiding in it's midst or maybe even an unpublished death?
Can I get a waterproof computer for the bathtub, please?
I've been keeping an eye out for the UPS guy, since UPS tracking has my package set for delivery today. Now I'm terrified of having to go to the bathroom because I just know that he is going to show up at the least convenient moment...
Sometimes I wonder if all I need to do to turn my life around is move further away from the ghetto...
With all the amazing features and functionality available online today, why are most support calls still about password resets? What part about "click here to reset password" is ambiguous?
At what age did injuries sustained during sex become something you take efforts to avoid instead of looking forward to it for the bragging rights?
Why does it have to be "tangerine" or "nectarine"? Why can't they just tell me which one is the hairless peach?
The problem with drugs that make you smarter is that you can't make other people take them...
You don't have to return from the grocery store with real food, but you'd sure as hell better come back with snacks!
If I had a time machine, right now, I would travel one week into the future so that I wouldn't have to wait for the next damn episode...
Don't threaten me with late fees; I'll pay late just to prove that I can afford to. I'm not intimidated by your petty debt collection tactics!
I don't "always need to have the last word", it's just easier to walk away right after I'm done speaking than to try leaving in the middle of you talking...
When I save a text message on my cellphone, it replies back with "MASSAGE SAVED". If ever there was something I would like to have saved my "game" at the beginning of so that I could go back to it... Unfortunately, the damn thing has no clue what to do with "LOAD MASSAGE"...
The Talking-to-Mom-on-the-phone-Drinking-Game: respond, mute, drink, repeat...
I think it is time that I go back to using sippy-cups, because I am losing the ability to drink out of a normal one. It's like my brain looks at every fluid container as a bottle and wants to "slam" it back. I need to go wipe all the coffee off my face now...
Gas stove starter, you don't have to work immediately. I'm just going to leave you flipped all the way on and you can sit there and "click" at a lit flame all damn day. Either go to hell or boil my water, dammit!
Why can't iTunes sell me food too? Sure, let me watch the movie without having to wait... except now I have to go make something to eat and fix myself a drink before I can comfortably watch the damn show!
No, Windows, I don't want to restart now. I probably won't want to restart in 5 minutes when you ask me again, either. When I want to restart, I am pretty sure I can remember how to do it on my own without prompting. You seem to have no problem at all forcibly restarting me without any provocation whatsoever; what is the problem now? Oh, you CAN'T restart unless I let you now? Really? Well, guess what! Too f'ing bad! I'm WORKING still!
Hook me up to a catheter and tube-feed me; I'm sick and tired of walking to the restroom...
Some "settling" may have occurred? Where the hell are the rest of the chips that should be in this bag?!
The next time you are on your way out to party, empty all of your spare change into the laundry dryer and start it on a full cycle. Your apartment neighbor won't be able to sleep until it's done and will be forced to spend extra time in the morning making up for it by either sleeping in or being too tired to make noise for once, thus allowing you to sleep in too, perhaps for the first time in a while...
When I was younger, I would use store parking lots to rollerblade in late at night. If there were shopping carts left out, I would round them up and stable them properly. It was good fun exercise zooming across a parking lot at 25mpg with a shopping cart veering around in front of you. I openly endorsed it to friends who were trying to learn how to rollerblade, as it provide a stabilizing component to the equation at the same time...
The telecommute drinking game: every time a creditor calls instead of a client, take a drink. Every time you get a social call instead of a client, finish the drink...
I would like to thank my apartment leasing office for approving the ghetto-fabulous neighbors that are moving in next door today. Welcome to the neighborhood, asshats...
Is it just me or does "inaugurated" sound more like one of those made-up college words for how drunk you got?
No, mom, I'm not playing with sock-puppets; I'm using one to start a flame war with a bunch of griefers. Yes, I know you don't get it, but that's what you get for asking questions when I'm trying to escape the family reunion by getting online...
You don't have to be a Star Wars geek; Slave-Leia is just hot!
Dear neighbor, it's after midnight. If I can hear your dog barking, you can hear your dog barking. You went and brought the dog back inside before you answered the door when I rang, so I know you know what the problem is. You should really do something more lasting about the problem before an irate neighbor decides to do something about it for you. Seriously.
My pet gerbil has adapted to the infrequency that his cage is cleaned and has taken to using the top of his little "house" exclusively as a crapper in what seems to be an attempt to get me to "flush" it more often by making it convenient, almost as if to say "if it had a handle, I'd flush it myself, you lazy bastard, now clean my cage!!!"
Stop asking me to cook for myself. Food gains savor with the amount of work that OTHER people put into it; and loses it proportionately to the amount that I am forced to. When an entire kitchen staff puts effort into creating my meal, I can taste it. If I have to cook for myself, it is going to taste like it was cooked by some lazy tosser who just wanted to get the cooking over with as fast as possible...
Just because something is easy ask doesn't make it a "simple request". Maybe you can describe what you want in a few short sentences, but when it is probably going to take me the rest of the week to get it done, I don't consider it a "simple request". Next time somebody has a simple request for me, I'm going to make a request of my own...
If I ask you for a URL and you reply with anything that doesn't begin with http://, I get stupid really really fast. And I don't know the title of the book that you can't remember the author of, either.
Don't ask me how drunk I am; there is no way to quantify that, and I'm generally not able to quantify anything if you have to ask. I'm drunk enough to use it as an excuse whatever prompted you to ask and as an excuse for whatever I feel inclined to do to you for asking...
Periodically, when there are cars waiting at a light, I see car-sized gaps in-between some of the vehicles. I have become convinced that there is actually a car in the spot, one that I cannot see, since I can't come up with any rational explanation for why there would be thirty feet of space between you and the car in front of you. Transparent cars suck.
Why is it so easy for doctors to dismiss outright any information that came from the internet? If you are a doctor and you don't know anything about the medicine being discussed, your degree and education achievements are worth less than my Google search. Don't sneer at my sources unless you know what the hell you are talking about. I hope you enjoyed spending $200k on college for the privilege of being a bigot.
And suddenly it occurs to you that going to the strip club is a perfectly rational thing to do at 2pm on a Monday...
So, hurricane Ike comes veering in out of the coast, causing all of my relatives in Ohio to call up and express concern. As it makes land, seeking out lingering residents of New Orleans that thought they were being slick, it starts to angle north. All of my relatives to the south then start calling to express concern. It continues to angle north, leaving the state, and going cross-country to... Ohio! We saw a bit of rain here in Austin, but family in Ohio went without power for a while. Shows what comes of worrying...
The city of Petah Tikva, Israel, does DNA analysis of dog turds that are found so that they can fine perpetrators who don't pick up after their animal. Owners who do their duty are rewarded with pet food coupons and dog toys. In Austin, Texas, we have companies that can be contracted to pick up the mess so that the overpopulation of dog owners won't be inconvenienced. Did I miss a memo or am I supposed to own a dog?
I spend all week struggling to find the motivation to be productive. It is a constant desperate struggle for inspiration. Why is it that, when Sunday hits, I feel compelled to work? I should be playing games or watching a movie or making time with my girl; but what am I doing? I'm making updates to site code because I am inexplicably inspired to find and fix code. It is the worst OCD possible. There should be some type of company bonus for employees who are capable of being OCD about getting work done, shouldn't there?
Back when I was in college, I went home with this really cute redhead. She finally got me alone in her room and proceeded to deliver on the fantasy about her growing in my head. Mid-coitus, she started to shake beneath me with what seemed like the the most intense orgasm I had ever caused. Spurred on by this, I finished with gusto, ready to proclaim "I DID THAT!" and take proper credit. When she finally caught her breath again, she apologized and let me know that what I had actually witnessed was one of her epileptic fits...
Why do people who insist on talking during movies and shows always seem to have nothing to say in an actual conversation?
I visited the state website to renew my vehicle registration, but whomever built that site had the foresight to limit the address field to fewer characters than my address contains. Thank you very much for invalidating the entire purpose of online registration; I'll be sure to b!tch about it when I drive my lazy @ss down to perform the renewal in person...
Why do I have to submit my own taxes every year? If the IRS knows how much I owe them, why can't they just send me a damn invoice or something? If I have a problem with the bill, I'll send in a form. Taxation has got to be the king of distributed wetware computing, but it feels more like having to return for a refresher accounting course every year, with a professor that gets to charge you an additional fee based on your grade. If the process requires me to balance my checkbook, it is NOT getting "turned in on time".
A "hiring freeze" is corporate-speak for "we can't hire anyone to replace you, so if you only put in four hours of work each week, that is still four hours more than I would get done if I fired you."
Why is it so much easier to post in someone else's blog than it is to post in your own? I could probably publish the war&peace of snarky anecdotal comments on other sites just trying to avoid having to publish in my own blog.
As if online forums that I post in don't have enough submission traffic, is it really necessary to *bump* threads? If you absolutely have to do it, at the very least go to the effort of posting something other than just "*bump*". It's like driving down the street with your turn signal on and no intention of turning. Are you afraid that, without community thread librarians, the timely information posted may be lost in the bowels of some database? It's called a "search" feature, nimrod; if I wanna find your post, I know where to look...
When I walk in to a diner, I frequently have to wait until a table clears for me to sit at. However, when I'm done with my meal, I always spend an inordinate amount of time waiting for the check to come. Whenever I get quoted wait times, I have to stop the urge to tell the hostess that I'd be more than willing to sit at one of the tables where someone else was endlessly waiting for her to bring them their check. People order fast and eat fast; the only thing causing a wait are the staff...
Have you tried rebooting? That phrase has been the staple of the support industry for years. Users have been conditioned in Pavlovian fashion to just accept that their crappy Windows desktop probably WILL work better if they reboot. Now, any time I get tagged as "computer guy" by friends or family, I can blithely instruct them to reboot. It usually fixes the problem, so I don't even have to listen to the details, and I still get cred for the fix. The 5-Minute Manager for computer support: have you tried rebooting?
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