Ruminations
Erin Andrews in skimpy ballroom outfits? Suddenly every red-blooded, sports-loving American male will be tuning in. Well played ABC.
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I'm pretty sure my weatherman is disconnected from reality- there's no need to smile and make a quip about busting out the bathing suits when it's going to be 13 degrees tomorrow, a 12-degree warm up from today.
If it's -3 degrees outside, and you're sitting all cozy in your heated car, you better let me hobble my freezing cold ass through the crosswalk without getting an attitude about the delay it causes you.
When I go to the drive-thru and I'm ordering for multiple people that aren't with me, I always feel the need to make the list clearly visible so I don't look like the fat-ass ordering like 13 tacos, 6 burritos, and 4 orders of nachos.
My 14-lb. Thanksgiving turkey was $8.50 at Wal-Mart. It might be a questionable brand but I will make sure it's the best damn $8.50 turkey you've ever tasted.
If you have thin and straight hair, putting a shit-ton of mousse in it to make it "look curly" doesn't make it look curly. It makes it look stringy and disgusting. Just fyi.
I always have to catch myself when I'm sending work emails and I use emoticons. I don't think it bodes well for my professional appearance to end a sentence about finding a new case with a big :)
I'm not really sure how we got from you asking me about my delayed flight to you telling us another story about how you just had a baby. But please, carry on. I can see how the two are related.
Nothing ruins an autumn walk more than when the constant rain has ruined all the crunchy leaves.
If the accident is on the other side of the highway, there is NO need for you to create a traffic jam over here because you're staring. Please speed up and get out of the way so that I can stare.
When I get a phone call from a completely random number, instead of calling back, I google the area code and try to figure out who it could be, like I'm some kind of super-sleuth.
Why are there so many ways to pronounce sherbet? "Sherbit, sherbert, sherbay." I don't give a fuck just give me the rainbowy goodness.
I'm not even going to be in town on Halloween, but I have this fear that if I don't leave my porch light on, all the parents will brand my house as the one their kids should go out of their way to avoid.
Is there some unwritten rule that the loudest, most hellish storms have to happen between the hours of 2 and 4am?
During the winter, I always have to flick my car door first because I feel like that lessens the effect of the static shock.
I understand the novelty of telling someone to "be careful", but in reality it seems silly. It's not like if you don't tell me, I'm going to drive 80 with my eyes closed, or stick my hand down the garbage disposal.
When I'm watching football and I don't care about the teams, I automatically wish for whatever team is winning with about 2 minutes left to lose so it will be more exciting.
If you pull out in front of me, you better believe I'm going to speed up just so you know what an inconvenience you just created for me.
Anyone else notice that when you dislike someone, you find yourself disagreeing with pretty much everything they say/do for that reason, and sometimes that reason alone?
The other day, I was talking with a girl that had a child when she was young, and she was telling me about what a mess he can make. I tried to relate with a story about my puppy, and then realized I was comparing children to dogs.
After careful consideration and personal experience, I've decided that I would rather break a bone than put hydrogen peroxide on an open wound. Yes, I'm serious.
Usually when I cough in class it's because I am trying to disguise a laugh from something funny I read on the internet.
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