Ruminations
Apples next ad campaign should be "Hey, it looks awesome in a coffee shop." Because that's all anyone buying an apple really cares about anyway.
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There is no such thing as a "luxury hoodie" no matter what Banana Republic tries to tell you.
Tacky sweater parties is the whitest shit since line dancing.
What is the point of putting salt on a peanut that is still in it's shell? Are people licking the salt off of the shell? I can't taste any salt on the peanut itself, so what's the point?
A guy came to work today dressed as a woman for Halloween. The first thing that came to mind, "Fire Drill". Hey, I'm the safety captain and safety comes first except in this case when embarrassing the shit out of a co-worker is infinitely better.
The top side of a bagel is way better than the bottom side.
If you are replacing the paper towel roll after washing your hands, dry your hands first and then hang the roll up. Nobody wants to use a paper towel with your wet hand prints on it.
When our parents generation is gone, will that be the end of annoying useless chain emails?
When I'm at work, nothing makes my skin crawl more then the words "team building exercises".
Whenever someone describes something as "epic" it's usually just slightly above average.
How is Pabst Blue Ribbon not the sponsor for the Professional Bull Riders? It just seems like a perfect fit. I can hear it now, "The PBR brought to you by PBR". Plus I'm pretty sure they have the same clientele.
"Hey that’s a nice shirt, where did you get it?", "I got it online". "Thanks dick, that really narrows it down a bit".
Why do people still put "Do you really need to print this email" at the end of their emails. No one prints out their emails unless the contents of the email will lead to someone getting fired or sued.
What's this Christmas in July bullshit? I've been to 7 stores and can't find a tree anywhere.
When a band releases a single, it comes with two songs. Shouldn't that make it a double?
I'm pretty sure the only reason people get married before they are 30 is because they want to go ahead and lock someone down before they start losing there hair.
Nothing is more awkward that shaking a woman's hand. They only give you the tips of their fingers like they expect you to kneel and kiss there hand. Shake my hand dammit or I'm going back to a nice firm slap on the ass as a greeting.
It's funny how parents give you the death look when your driving through the neighborhood and their 5yr old is playing in the middle of the street and they look at you like it's your fault there kid won't get out of the way.
I'm going to start carrying around a bag that is filled with sand and glitter. That way if someone pisses me off I will just dump it on their head. It takes weeks to get that shit out.
How come if you check your bag right after going through the drive-thru line everything is there, but if you wait and check it when you get home, something will always be missing?
No woman should ever be allowed to say the term "balls hot". They have no idea what it's like walking around in 100 degree heat and crazy high humidity with your junk stuck to your leg.
If you try to push open a door that says Pull once, I can understand. If you do it twice, maybe you're just having a bad day. But it you do it for a third time in a row, I'm just going to assume that you are retarded.
It's been a good 2-3 years since I have heard anyone say fo'shizzle or put izzle on the end of any word. I consider this a huge achievement.
There is no better nickname in sports than "The Big Unit".
Wow! Sam's Club is selling a personal concert for $24,500. I don't know which is worse, dropping 24k at Sam's or that the only performer is Ryan Cabrera. That's right Ryan Cabrera. The guy that is only known for de-flowering Ashlee Simpson.
The only difference between thrift and vintage is the price tag.
Apparently, the main difference between Manny's drugs and ARod's drugs is that Manny's still work in October.
Everybody has a friend that never knows the correct lyrics to any songs. If you don't know this person, then you are this person.
So I'm at Publix the other day and after I check out, this little 100 lbs teenage girl asked me in a sarcastic tone "Do you need any help taking that out to your car?", "Sure, why not?" I say . She then says, "Really? It's only one bag? You carried it all the way up here!". I say "That'll teach you not to mess with adults, we are lazy. Now carry this out to my car".
So "experts" are trying to tell me that the planet is slowly getting warmer and that polar ice-caps are going to melt and all of this other crap, but somehow we can't find a guy that can tell me what the weather is actually going to be like 3 days in advance? That just seems like a load of shit to me.
I'm 100% certain that Kanye writes in all caps on his blog because he is too stupid to understand proper capitalization.
The next person that comes up to me and says some cliched quote about having a positive attitude is getting punched in the face. Yeah, you might have a positive attitude about life but everyone hates you and you have no idea.
I don't care how hot you are, if you say your favorite "band" is the Pussycat Dolls, I'm done with you.
There really is a fine art to getting the water temp correct in the shower while you have a severe sunburn. Too cold and you freeze or too hot and you melt the rest of your face off.
Really ESPN? Obama fills out a NCAA tourney bracket and that is front page news? He's already won, you don't have to keep telling me how we all relate to him.
No matter how hard I try I can never seem to say the word "rural" correctly. It always sounds like I have a mouth full of marshmallows.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
Why do companies still make lunch meat that is wider than a piece of bread? You know the one's I'm talking about. They are wider than the bread but when folded in half, it then becomes to small for the bread. It's like you need to know origami to get an even sandwich.
You can a lot about someone by the amount of stickers on the back on their car.
I just read an article about a drug in which the side effects include compulsive gambling, excessive shopping, overeating, and hypersexuality. Shit! Put me down for case of that stuff!
Our companies new dress code allows us to wear jeans throughout the week and shorts on Friday. However that does not make it okay under any circumstances to were jean-shorts! That's right, I'm talking to you creepy IT guy.
No matter the situation, you can never trust a girl with a short haircut.
Sex is a lot like pizza, no matter how bad it is, it's still pretty good.
The Wal-Mart down the road from my house now has free valet. I got in line because it was like 6 degrees and snowing and then I looked ahead at the whales getting out of their rusted out trucks and decided to drive a little farther down the road to Target.
"I'm getting lucky twice tonight!" is what I overheard one guy say to another after buying 8 tallboys of Bud Light, 3 roses, a box of condoms and 5 scratch-off lotto tickets at a convenience store.
I just got a fortune cookie that said "You are going to get some new clothes" Whew! That's a relief!
All I want out of life is a job in which I don't have to wear pants.
I've found that the easiest way to tell how many nights in a row you have been out drinking is by how long your facial hair is.
Listen up McDonald's. You're not fooling anyone by putting "Premium" in front of your menu items. That will kill you just as fast as the normal stuff.
The first sign that you are getting old is when local newscasters start looking hot.
Considering that you never see any of the crazy stuff that models wear on the runway, how can you tell if a fashion show is good or bad?
Tonight I overheard one high school kid say to another, "Have you ever heard of Nirvana?". I instantly felt old as fuck.
If you go watch Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th, either you are 13 or you live in your parents basement.
Does anyone really give a damn about celebrity babies? Why give them so much attention when they haven't even done anything yet? Wait till they have done something with their lives and then lets talk about them.
Have you ever heard the term "nook and cranny"? Is there a difference between the two? If not, doesn't it seem like we are repeating ourselves?
There is something I see about once a week that bothers me, grown women wearing a Winnie The Pooh t-shirt. You're not 8, dress your age and put some real clothes on. You look stupid.
Why doesn't sour cream come in a squeeze bottle? It just makes sense. Think about it, have you ever made a burrito or taco and realized you forgot the sour cream and you leave if off anyway because it too hard to add it on top without getting it everywhere. Every other condiment comes in a bottle except sour cream, it just comes in a tub. Look at butter it comes 4 different ways: tub, squeeze bottle, stick, spray. They have butter in spray form but i cant get sour cream in a squeeze bottle. I don't understand it.
Have you ever wondered why the toes and heels of some socks are a different color? Do sock makers think that's a good idea? I just can't imagine some guy holding up a sock with a be-fuzzled look on his face thinking "How the hell does this work? I wish there was some sort of guide for this thing?" I can guarantee that has never happened.
If its truly hard being a pimp and everyone wants the easy way through life, then why are all these people wanting to be pimps?
I hate it when you come inside while it is raining and your shirt is a little wet and there is always that one person that just has to ask "Is it raining?"
Do you remember when you were a kid and you would fall asleep when you got home for school. You'd sleep for a couple of hours and then wake up, look at the clock, see that it was 7:00 and dark outside and freak out because you were running late for school. You'd run into the living room and your parents were there watching the news and they looked at you like you were high when you asked then why they didnt wake you up for school. It was then that they told it was 7:00 PM and you felt like an dumbass.
Damn Girl Scouts! Every year the price for your cookies goes up. And every year the cookies get smaller and smaller. They have some explaining to do.
I've always wondered if pets get tired of eating the same thing all day every day.
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