Ruminations
There is a huge difference between dating and being in a relationship. I used to spend the majority of my time on dates making sure I looked pretty..…and not farting… In fact I used to buy Gas-X like it was going out of season. ..I remember showing up early for dates, just so I would have time to run to the ladies room and check my makeup...Now I show up early to meet my boyfriend only if I want to get a head start on drinking...
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Women hate other women, half of the relationships I form with girls are because of our mutual hatred for someone else. “You see that bitch?” “Well she stole my man.” “Well she stole my outfit.” If I look through my Facebook friends right now I could name you 40 girls right off the top list who I met purely though a mutual hatred. That’s the only time women like each other, when they can mutually hate on someone else. I have girlfriends who exist for no other reason then to help me crush another girl’s self esteem.
If you leave a drunken message on a girl’s phone you she will never ever delete it. In fact she will likely play it over and over to all of her friends. She will be using your drunken message for a good laugh for the next five to ten years. I have a drunk dial message from a guy I dated in 1998 still on my phone, and I replay that whenever I can. When I changed phone services two years ago I actually asked, “Can I have my old drunk dial messages transferred onto my new phone…cause if not, I don’t think I will able to switch services.”
Cosmo Magazine had an engaging article last month on some crucial information that women have been trying to figure out for years, 'The Secret of Male Arousal'. Thank God Cosmo finally solved the mystery. I believe the ‘secret’ is seemingly a difficult puzzle equivalent only to solving the Pythagorean Theorem or researching the mystery of the Sphinx. I am pretty sure the “secret” involved the words- ‘woman’, ‘alive’ and ‘breathing’. Actually, maybe ‘breathing’ wasn’t included.
Personal trainers in gyms like to use made-up terms to confuse you. Terms like “cardiovascular”, “fitness” and “aerobic activity”. By using these terms they can convince you to stand in the middle of the gym on top of a neon plastic ball, doing crunches, while swinging a jump rope. Let’s call personal training what it really is… making you look like an asshole.
Why it is that one friend can never find the place is it you are going to, no matter what you do to try and help them. Even if you MapQuest the place for them, draw a diagram, highlight the route, drive their car there yourself, put them in a wheelchair and wheel them right in front of the building, they will still sit there and go, “Umm… yeah I have no idea where this place is.”
You cannot cook any kind of food in the microwave at work because it is inevitable that everyone is going to want to make a comment about it. People come out of their office to try and see who is cooking something the minute any type of smell is produced. Your co-workers feel the need of actually take guesses at what the smell is, until you finally have to be like, “Dude.. it’s popcorn.”
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