Ruminations
It's can be embarrassing enough to get caught checking out a member of the opposite sex. It's more embarrassing to get caught by that person's adolescent kid. That's some brutal silent judgement.
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I'm glad that quotes are the only punctuation requiring the occasional hand gesture. It would get ridiculous if you had to do a fist pump to emphasize a comma.
I don't understand the pierced septum. I'd think one's sense of style would want to angle towards looking less bovine, not more so.
High school foreign language classes teach you such worthless shit. "Roberto is handsome", or "I would like to buy a postcard." Good stuff. How about something I'll use? Such as, "I'd like a shot of top shelf tequila", or "Do you have chlamydia?"
Why can't they make adult vitamins that taste anywhere near as good as children's?
So, Spedoes on guys are very "European". Europe is also where David Hasselhoff has a prolific musical career. Damn, I'm glad my ancestors sailed across the Atlantic.
When I get a new e-mail and check it on my computer, I sure wish the notification icon on my phone would go away on its own.
At work, I'll get pissed and think "I didn't go to college for this." Where's my jet-setting executive lifestyle? Then I remember 2 a.m. beer bongs, skipping classes and my 2.9 GPA from a state school. Yup, I'm pretty much slotted where I belong.
Sometimes I envy my daughter and how easily she's amused. She's content to watch the same episodes of Hannah Montana over and over. Then I realize I'm on my fourth run through Arrested Development. It's really just a difference of free time.
Given that only about 2 out of my 40 daily e-mails mean anything, don't get mad that I didn't read your senseless forward, merely because one of those 38 e-mails that didn't pertain to me came from you.
I know it's your company's policy to thank me by name when my name shows up on the receipt, but since everybody stumbles when they see my name for the first time, and I know you don't really give a shit, let's just let it slide this time. Capiche?
"Bathing suit" is an odd term. As if anyone wears one with hygiene improvement in mind.
Anytime I see someone wearing a shirt, jacket, dress, etc. that's got an exclusively black and yellow pattern, I think they just walked out of a Sprint commercial.
I hate when I go in for a firm, business-like handshake and the other person does the same, but squeezes before I achieve the thumb interlock. There they go, squeezing my fingers and I can offer no more grip than a dead fish.
They're talking about eliminating mail service on Saturdays. Hell, if I only got mail on Saturdays, it wouldn't change my life any. I only fetch my bills and Valpak coupons once a week as it is.
I'd love it if just once, the actor in a re-enactment was less attractive than the person that they're portraying.
When I'm in the passenger seat, slamming my foot into the floorboards in a braking fashion does not in any way slow or stop the vehicle. It does, however, share your lack of faith in the driver.
I base when during the day I go to the gym not on when it's convenient for me, but on the crowd that's there. When it's the out-of-shape middle-aged-to-retired crowd, it's good for my self esteem. The in-shape 20-somethings? Soul crushing.
Whoever invented the side-by-side refrigerator/freezer didn't consider the large frozen pizza, and therefore clearly had no soul.
Buzz Aldrin, age 80, is going to be on Dancing With the Stars. This brings up a serious question. How old is too old to call a guy "Buzz"?
If your business has resorted yo putting a flyer under my windshield wiper, I hope this is a last ditch effort and your business fails. This is doubly true if it's raining, mainly because I never see these until I get in my car.
Why is the semicolon under my pinkie if I'm typing with my hands in the right position? I don't even know how to use a semicolon.
It's great that Domino's went to all this trouble to revamp their pizza and advertise this major improvement. Congratulations, guys! Now you have the worst pizza in town by a slightly smaller margin.
I'm guessing that the first person to say "It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission" wasn't in prison.
It bugs me when someone has a zit, mole or some other blemish on their nose ... right where I can't tell if it's that or a small nose stud. Not that it matters, but I just have to know.
Buzz Aldrin is going to be on "Dancing With the Stars"? With apologies to Neil Armstrong, that's going to be one sorry step for mankind.
I hate the first person to start a standing ovation when I'm not totally on board with the situation, which is usually the case.
One of the more haunting mistakes I've ever made was blacklighting my college apartment.
Red wine not only makes you drunk and clumsy, but it also can stain things to no end. So why do we serve it in a top heavy, ultra-spillable, stemmed glass?
I can only imagine how much more reliable and organized I'd be if Post-Its stuck to a computer monitor for more than an hour.
Why does major shit (cars, appliances, etc.) only break on weekends, when repairmen aren't available or come with a nasty overtime charge.
Thanks, Mr. Grocery-Bagger-Kid. I needed six bags for my nine items.
The governor of California is the head of the University of California regents, thus his signature is on every diploma. Having the Terminator's autograph on your wall seems more like a Planet Hollywood souvenier than evidence of a college education.
Do rabbis and priests ever really go to bars together?
When someone is voted off of American Idol, why do they have them again sing the song that got them voted off in the first place? It wasn't a good performance in the first place, how is it going to be any better when they are all choked up?
In my adolescence, a small part of me died the day I figured out that strippers and porn stars didn't use their real names. I'm not sure why it mattered, but it added to my already abundant hormonal confusion.
Why can't I leave the house without being convinced I left something on, open or unlocked?
It's unsettling when I find a stray screw on the ground at home. What did it fall out of? Is something going to fall apart?
My car always makes "that noise" until it gets to the mechanic.
If it really was possible to "laugh your ass off", I think people would greatly prefer this weight loss technique to treadmills.
Given that it's smaller than the county I live in, Rhode Island should lose its statehood and be reclassified as a suburb of Boston.
Cotton is advertising on TV. Was someone going to really switch over to polyester before that catchy "Fabric of Our Lives" jingle swayed them back?
I was astonished the day I finally met someone who uses calculus for something other than teaching calculus or writing calculus textbooks.
55 degrees. The official temperature that's heavenly in February, and the sign of impending seasonal doom in October.
I would love it if, just once when the American is standing on the podium accepting the gold medal, instead of "The Star Spangled Banner", they played "America, Fuck Yeah", from Team America, World Police.
People use the expression "never in a million years". I don't know how long any of you plan on living, but at this point, I really only consider the next 70 years relevant to me.
Thanks, commercial. After hearing all of the potential side effects of the drug, I'll just stick with the disease. Thanks!
When you're seeing the doctor, he/she should be forbidden from ever saying "hmmmmmm". Very, very unsettling.
There's a restaurant chain in Idaho and Utah, the Chuck-A-Rama Buffet, that failed in the first lesson of naming a restaurant: don't have a euphemism for vomit in your name.
As often as I hit the skip track button on my iPod or even a CD, I have no idea how I survived the cassette era ... or least didn't annoy the crap out of myself and everyone around me.
Few things scare the hell out of you like when a cop flashes his lights and siren just so he can get around you. Either drive with 'em on drive with 'em off ... none if this intermittent crap.
Someone needs to stop these focus groups that think we need more square cars.
When the speed skater false starts, he gets a few more before the threat of a disqualification. Screw that. Make 'em suffer. False start, take a shot of tequila. That'll make it a little more interesting.
Biathalon makes about as much sense as if in the middle of the Super Bowl, there was a pinball tournament among the players that counted in the final score.
Why do eggs come in the most fragile packaging in the supermarket?
It's always disappointing when upper story windows in buildings don't open. I like dropping stuff.
It watch a lot more of the skiing events at the Olympics if they had just one angry bear loose on each run.
I sure am glad that, still to this day, no sporting event is complete without a feeble attempt at the "human wave". Considering it was done and tired in 1991, rock on!
Few things land an adult in the zone between desperate and out of touch like wearing a Jonas Brothers t-shirt.
Three cheers to the companies that enforce a "no visible tattoos and/or facial piercings" policy. Employees with bandages in the same place over their limbs and faces every day sure looks better than that offensive hibiscus tat or gold nose stud.
I was a little surprised when I learned the name "Rodney Strong" belonged to a well respected winery, not a male porn star.
Don't wear a red shirt or sweatshirt while shopping at Target. People think you work there. They ask you stuff. I give them poor customer service to teach them a lesson.
I'm sick of seeing Survivor in all of these tropical locations. Yeah, it's tough, but ... I want to see Survivor in Detroit. Now let's see who has survival skills!
So amazing how every sitcom, no matter where it's supposedly set (Scranton, Pennsylvania or Pawnee, Indiana) looks just like Southern California. Even interstate road trips to New Hampshire look like Mulholland Drive.
Do the contestants on "Wheel of Fortune" really have to yell every damned letter? You're on a sound stage. They have professional equipment. We'll hear you. Calm down.
Even though I have caller ID, I still answer the phone regardless of who is calling.
I wish I could simply enjoy a vacation without a constant countdown in my head of how long I have until I have to go back to work.
I sure am glad we have to agree to the terms & conditions before signing into public wi-fi. Checking that box and clicking 'agree' will certainly thwart public porn seekers or Al Qaeda.
The Weather Channel is now in my HDTV lineup. Finally! You haven't lived until you've seen an occluded front in high-def!
I hate having to use sick days for when I feel too lousy to be at work. I prefer using them for when I feel too good to be at work.
Never eat buffalo wings right after clipping your fingernails. Oh, the burn!
I can't imagine a free Grand Slam is worth having to join a mob of people who are willing to wait an hour for a free Grand Slam.
I can't believe nobody was able to find those crash victims on "Lost" using Google Earth.
I'll never understand people who have undesirable initials that don't throw in a middle initial as a matter of course. I just could never write down "B.M." or "B.J." as a representation of myself.
It should be legal to shoot anyone who mows their lawn before 9:00 am.
I just can't ever get mad at anyone with a Fargo accent.
Listening to the radio in the car, I'm perfectly subconsiously content to listen to five minutes of commercials, but once a song comes on that's not one of my favorites, I'm immediately scanning the dial.
Why does any car radio (or any gadget, for that matter) that boasts iPod control operate nothing like an iPod and have to be so damned confusing?
I couldn't help but notice the irony of Seattle traffic being bogged down because somebody rear ended a Toyota.
When putting in a phone number in lieu of the grocery store club card, I find it awesome that not only does 867-5309 works, the name on the receipt is "Jenny Jenny". Love it when the checker says "Thank you, Mr. Jenny".
Every morning on my way to work, I know exactly how late I am because of where I pass a daily jogger on my route who's much more reliable and punctual than I am.
How come Applebee's "seasonal vegetables" never change?
Do these people that get all choked up or pissed off that they didn't get past the first round of American Idol also get furious when their lottery ticket isn't a winner? Besides, the odds are about the same.
Chef Gordon Ramsay has made a hell of a career based largely on disgust, profanity, abuse and risotto. I can pull off three of those four. Where was I during their application process?
So, many reality shows are either dedicated to "celebrities" or are celebrity editions. In order to be classified as a "celebrity", shouldn't you have more on your resume than one stint on a reality show?
Hey international folks, if you're considering emigrating, research your destination's profanity before naming your kids. Phuc, I'm talking to your folks.
Maybe my opinion is swayed from watching too much CSI or Law & Order, but are those no-contract, pay-as-you-go cell phones only used by criminals?
Google shouldn't be the only thing with an "I'm feeling lucky" button. I nominate ATMs.
At the end of an episode of Supernanny, they invite you to call if you feel you could use her help. Wrong! You should be able to nominate others. Those who need her help are often too stupid to realize it.
"Doppelganger Week" on facebook was rough. Just not enough mediocre-looking famous people to match me up, I suppose.
Why can't I suck at my job as badly as the network weatherman and still be a local celebrity?
Why can't I learn? On a mobile phone, I don't need to dial "1" before the area code. Ever!
My new cell phone tells me the current weather where I am. Great, that whole looking out the window thing is so damned inconvenient.
Thanks to the movie Dodgeball, anything involving the number eight is still "The Ocho" to me.
I'd watch American Idol a lot more if the judges had a squirt bottle, or perhaps a tazer, to deal with the more ignorant, tone-challenged contestants.
I'd think your kid is a lot cuter if you'd just wipe his damn nose.
Burger King sells tacos? Isn't that like going to a proctologist for an eye exam?
If they ever put nutritional information on a beer can, the "servings per container" should read "1/6".
So, for Groundhog Day, if he sees his shadow, we get six more weeks of winter. I don't get the big deal, because six weeks from February 2 is March 16. According to the calendar, that's still winter.
I didn't start my day looking for a sign of the apocalypse. But I just heard an ad for a dating website for "cougars" seeking younger men. My friends, we're one step closer to the end.
Buying a nostalgiac breakfast cereal of my past can be as embarrassing as buying porn. Crunch Berries? But I'm 37! Maybe I'll throw a box of condoms in the order to knock the cashier off my scent.
If every other attempt at gaining a girl's attention fails, then you strike gold by bringing up McDonalds' new dollar menu, you, my friend, have found the world's dumbest chick.
So I try on a shirt at The Gap, and the large doesn't fit me. I try on something else at Kohl's, and the large is too big. Is it too much to ask for some consistency and I don't need a special chart to figure out who's clothes "run a little big"?
Few things in this world are as disappointing as the size of a side order of bacon.
Growing up, I never wore a helmet while riding my bike and stood on the transaxle on the middle of the floor in the backseat while Mom was driving. Booster seat? Seat belt? Meh. Dear God, how am I still alive?
Hey, hippie that's saving the forest one tree at a time: I'm sure the owls appreciate your cause, but I'll bet one is pretty pissed off that you moved into his tree.
Taco Bell bottles and sells their hot sauce? Why? I can get two fistfulls for just 89 cents. And that comes with a free burrito.
All these years and references I made to having a little "Captain Jack" in the evening, assuming it's slang for Jack Daniels. Now, I find out it's street lingo for heroin. Oops! No wonder nobody lets me borrow any money.
Calm down people. Green M&Ms taste exactly like all the others.
The commercials for Yaz make it look like it's an effective birth control by turning you into a crazy mess, driving the guys away. Impromptu haircuts, blowing bubbles in the bubble bath fully clothed ... that's bipolar action.
I learned all the sign language I need to know in traffic.
If you can help me make $20,000 a month, can't you afford to advertise that fact with a sign that's better than Sharpie on cardboard?
When a pen is dead, why do I put it back in the cup with the live ones?
Contrary to cartoons of my childhood, I've never met a dog named Rover or Spike.
I knew I stepped into adulthood when the ketchup in my fridge was in a bottle, not a bunch of pilfered packets.
"Tomato Ketchup". Thanks for clarifying. Is there some other kind of ketchup that I've been missing out on?
My bosses keep telling me to "raise the bar". I don't totally get this, and I don't think it's my call. But just not so high that I can't see the bartender and still order a drink.
I'm pretty sure that if I went into Taco Bell and requested a different cashier, someone's spitting in my burrito.
I wonder if Italians are personally offended by Sbarro.
Dear Mom: I have never met anyone whose face "stayed that way forever".
Back when MTV actually played music videos, it was like training for ADD.
Someone needs to create icdb.com. The internet commercial database. Who's that cute chick in the Taco Bell commercial?
Why don't newscasters in New York have New York accents? Anywhere with a local dialect gets its news from people who sound like they're from Denver.
One of my greater accomplishments was sending a birthday card to "A Whale's Vagina, California", and my friend in San Diego got it.
When I hear someone ask to "do me a solid", I'm not thinking of a favor. I can only think it's a medical professional specifying what kind of specimen they want.
"Pepsi Throwback, Made With Real Sugar". Great, now our food is such crap, sugar is considered retro.
If you merged the show "Verminators" with one of those Kia commercials with the giant, driving rodents, you'd have one kick-ass episode with guaranteed ratings.
I'm convinced that when microwaving a frozen burrito, the time between when the center is still frozen and the ends explode is 0.01 seconds. I've yet to achieve that nirvana.
Has anyone ever added a sprig of parsley to their frozen dinner to achieve the "serving suggestion" that's on the box?
The cheaper and smaller that video cameras become, the more worthless crap we'll have to wade through on youtube to find anything tolerable. Thanks, Flip!
Isn't it counter-intuitive that the traditional bicycle of a man, who has family jewels to protect, has a crossbar that one's crotch could crash down upon, while the bike of a woman has no bar?
Judging from the tone of the television ads by the retailiers, the theme of Christmas '09 is "guilt".
I'm so happy that Hollywood finally is making sitcoms without laugh tracks. I can decide when something is funny on my own, thanks.
Whenever I hear that 1 in 50 or 1 in 100 people suffer from some affliction, like hoarding, I do the math and try to figure out how many of my facebook friends have this condition and which ones they are.
I wonder what Sarah Palin would have named her book if in that episode of Friends, they had referred to it as "going rogue" instead of "going commando".
I'm guessing that "White Christmas" and "Let It Snow" aren't real popular Christmas Carols in Australia.
When English folks try to mimic the American accent, why do they think we all talk like John Wayne?
What exactly is a "Magnesia", and how do you milk one?
We should be able to refer to the number 110 as "eleventy".
In my childhood, one of my greatest fears was going back into the pool within fifteen minutes after having eaten. It would cause death. What in the hell was that all about?
Every day, I thank myself for making choices that keep me off the defendant stand on "Judge Judy".
Never take advice from somebody who wears velcro shoes.
How is it possible that McDonald's is the world's most successful restaurant, but everyone I know thinks their food sucks?
Even the best comb-over still looks worse than the worst shaved head.
Caller ID has ruined my favorite childhood pastime for my children: Prank calls.
I know it's wrong to illegally download music. But for years, I'd spend fifteen bucks on a CD, only to find out that the CD has the song I like, and twelve tracks of utter crap. Now, it's payback time, bitches!
$60 for a GPS. Great! Having to hang out with anyone who's willing to be at Wal-Mart at 5:00 am the day after Thanksgiving. Not worth it.
Whatever the cause, if an unemployed, dreadlocked hippie is protesting it, I'm taking the other side.
Nothing makes me feel old like hearing an instrumental version of a song I like.
I feel a sense of accomplishment when I keep a pen long enough for the ink to run out.
Why does Word call me on 18th century rules of grammar that nobody knows or cares about, but won't call me out for using affect or effect incorrectly?
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