Ruminations
Many people shun age 40 and celebrate their 39th birthday over and over out of vanity. I'm gonna do it because prostate exams and colonoscopies become routine maintenance at 40.
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Given how much lint I pull out of the lint trap in my dryer, why aren't my clothes dissolving faster?
If you're not at your class reunion, everyone there assumes you either still live with your parents, have gained a tremendous amount of weight, are unemployed, can't get a date, let alone hitched, or some combination of those assumptions.
I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night."
Why don't we ever hear about beached dolphins? Whales are such attention whores.
Barnes & Noble puts your purchases in a clear plastic bag for your carrying convenience. That scratches them off my list of places to buy soft-core porn.
Dollar Tree has introduced on-line shopping. Finally! Now I can buy myself $1.00 items that are worth 25 cents, and pay $6.99 to have them delivered.
Checking out someone's iTunes and the play counts is the technological equivalent of snooping through their medicine cabinet. 30 plays of Ashlee Simpson is more shameful than herpes meds. Listening to Ashlee is a choice. The herp is a consequence.
Whomever coined the "love thy neighbor" saying obviously didn't have my neighbor, whose dog shitteth on my lawn.
Do we really need "Emergency parking only" signs on the interstate? Are people tempted to park there for convenience?
Given how much cleavage is acceptable these days versus about ten years ago, I'm expecting and looking forward to full-frontal nudity being commonplace by about 2018.
I hate when we get a new person at work who lives in the same area as I do. That way, I lose my ability to lie about traffic as an excuse for me being late.
The buzz of the home stretch of a road trip is quickly killed when the final miles are the same as your daily work commute. Vacation isn't supposed to remind me of work.
Let's kill the confusion, spell it "aeffect", and call it good.
I don't need to be the overall best at anything, just the best amongst my circle of friends. Being the best requires hard work, perseverance and dedication. Amongst my circle, I can be the best via laziness and dumb luck, and that's more my speed.
I just learned that Boy Scouts can earn a merit badge in "motorboating". I can only imagine exactly what role the girl scouts play in this, but I doubt there are many of age or endowment to be able to help the lads with this award.
Have the folks that came up with Cherry Nyquil ever tasted a cherry?
The local news offered "steps" on how to stop texting while driving and to not forget your baby or toddler in a hot car. Great! We've come so far as a society that common sense is now a 12-step program.
Why does my proverbial glass half to be "half-full" or "half-empty"? Can't it just be half a glass?
I am both impressed yet dismayed at the female ability to take off a pullover sweatshirt while keeping the undershirt completely in place. I can't to this without exposing my gut to the world.
So, what helps make MGD-64 and other light beers "light" is largely less alcohol than regular beer. So, if I want to get less drunk than my friends, but have to break to piss just as often, I've found my poison.
To my daughter this morning, I popped off with "Hi, Ho! Kermit the frog here" in my best Kermit voice. "What's that voice, Daddy?" At that moment, I've confirmed my theory that kids today are deprived and today's children's TV is absolute crap.
Why must it take three days of wear for me to realize that my new pair of shoes hurts my feet like a son of a bitch, it's too late to return them, and I just wasted sixty bucks.
My iPod has an option to play a podcast at half or twice the normal speed. I can only figure this otherwise useless feature is to give kids who didn't grow up with record players the same joy I had of listening to a 45 RPM record at 33 or 78 RPMs.
My cell phone company has a service where you can send a text to a landline, where it speaks the message of your text to the recipient. I text to avoid speaking to people. Since they can't text back, I don't want any part of it.
How cocky are we to rename a country in our own language? "Ich bin aus Deutschland." Nope, it's called Germany. "Nein!" Yup, Germany. We decided you're wrong. Oh, and Brazil, we need to discuss that "s" in the middle of your name.
Since a colon is just two dots, shouldn't a semicolon be a period?
It's alarming at what an early age you can determine a kid is going to be the next 40-year old virgin.
When a restaurant, a bar or even the secret sauce claims to be "world famous", usually the people in the next town over have never heard of any of it, let alone someone in Paraguay.
The Barefoot Bandid was caught, naked in their house, by a homeowner in Yankton, SD. If this isn't the plotline that cues the Casio keyboard and inspires a porn version of "Barefoot Backdoor Intruder in Yankton", it ain't gonna happen.
I have never been inclined to vote for a particular political candidate because of a cheap, 12" x 18" sign on a wooden stake on the side of the road. In fact, if there's a lot of them, I'm more inclined to not vote for them.
I have been an avid baseball fan since birth, and I still have no idea what a balk is. Same applies to umpires.
I remember my English teachers saying that they'll know if I wrote a paper based on the Cliff Notes. Who has the time for Cliff Notes? Even if that's true, they can't tell if the paper is blatantly plagiarized.
Considering the Flintstones had different animals to do the job of mundane tools and applicances, shouldn't the Flintstones' house and Bedrock have been absolutely covered in animal crap?
When I get bored surfing the net and playing stupid on-line games, why do I then pick up my phone and start surfing the net and playing stupid games, somehow expecting to be more amused?
So here I am, checking facebook again, silently judging that nobody is updating their status. People have no lives. Of course, all this is going on while I'm just going back to check peoples' statuses while I'm doing nothing and have no life.
If you call my house looking for me and mispronounce my name in the process, I guarantee, Mr. Telemarketer, you'll get put on hold while I look for me. It takes me a long time to look for me. So long, I usually forget I'm looking for me.
I don't really mind a long-ish commute to work. I could drive all day instead of actually working. But that commute home? Anything over one mile is too long.
"Dyslexia" is a tough word to read if you're dyslexic. We should rename dyslexia for people with that condition. And if we make it a palindrome, they'll be able to tell we're writing about them.
After many disappointments and a complete lack of consistency, I have come to the sad realization that I do not own any lucky clothes.
The conservation experts suggest that you turn the water off in the shower while you soap yourself up. Yeah, right. That's about as likely to happen as me being sexually aroused by Amy Winehouse.
I'd enjoy animated movies much more if I didn't spend half the damn movie trying to figure out what actors played the voices of half the characters.
I spend all this time making playlists for my iPod, then I just track forward through them to get to the song I want.
Even though I haven't paid my membership dues in months, I'm still keeping the gym ID tag on my key chain so at least it looks like I'm interested in getting in shape.
I fail to see why there would ever be one of those kiddie height urinals in the restroom at a bar. If you're too short to use the big boy urinal, you're not getting by the bouncer.
How is it that I see myself in a mirror multiple times a day, but seeing a recent picture of myself can be startling? Is that my hairline? My double chin looks like that? Yikes.
Why is the sound of one crinkling bag so annoying while the sound of a whole bunch of crinkling bags no big deal?
My daughter is learning how to write personal letters in school. That's great, because that's how everyone communicates these days. Maybe next year, she'll learn how to copy cassette tapes.
Every kid posting and talking about having the summer off needs to be beaten to within an inch of their life. Or get a job and see what summers are really like for the rest of your life.
So, the "Big Ten" has 12 teams, and the "Big 12" has ten teams? Maybe those coferences should have exchanged more than just Nebraska.
I know I'm fully entrenched in adulthood now that my mom keeps my favorite bourbon on hand at her house for when I visit.
Since I run a grocery store, friends seem to think my daughter needs little toy scanners, carts, cash registers and such as gifts. I don't want to come home to reminders of work. If I knew a stripper, I wouldn't go giving her kid a toy pole.
Vomiting is about the only thing you can make up a word for and anyone will know what you mean. I yakked. I heufed. I zuked. I horked. I'm sorry, but you're cleaning it up on your own.
I always carry my car keys in my left pocket. I also almost always carry stuff in my left hand. This forces me to give myself a right handed reach-around when I want to get my car keys out of my pocket. People stare, and rightfully so.
Nothing makes me tailgate like knowning that there's a flagger and a one-lane road ahead. There's no way they're gonna flip that sign from 'Slow' to 'Stop' on me when I'm five feet behind the car in front of me.
Who in the hell discovered that tomato juice is the antidote to skunk stink? How did that moment go down? "Jimmy just got sprayed! Nothing's working. That Clamato bath didn't work. Let's try V8 instead!"
If you absolutely must take your fluffball dog shopping with you, I'm guessing that you have a problem that goes much deeper than that dog is going to solve.
McDonald's is recalling their Shrek glasses because they pose a health risk. But, if someone was willing to wolf down a Big Mac and supersized fries, I'm sure they're not concerned about a little cadmium in a painted on Shrek.
When putting together home assembly furniture, there's always that extra screw, bolt, nut or whatever part. I'm sure it's there just in case, but in my mind, it's the one master bolt that I forgot to use that holds the whole damn thing together.
If an attractive woman, especially if she's well endowed, pays for anything that's over $4 exclusively using $1 bills, in my mind, she's clearly a stripper.
Sorry, my child, but if you want to know what that song was, you need to listen to the radio for hours and hope the DJ announces it, like I did as a kid. My smartphone will not be used to Shazam the Jonas Brothers.
I have some teacher friends that get paid shit, have student loans out the wazoo, always in fear of layoffs, get treated like crap by the students' parents and the administration, and they get summers off. God, I envy them.
Some rental cars need to come with a sign that screams "rental" to other motorists. It's fine if you drive a beater because that's what you can afford, but I don't want people thinking I willingly bought and drove a teal Chevy Impala off the lot.
It makes me happy when my cell phone battery lasts longer than a day. Not so much because the excessive charging lessens the battery life, but because it means people have been leaving me the hell alone.
Few things entertain me like listening to native Clevelanders defending their hometown. I let them squirm for a while, but when I remind them that their river once caught on fire, that usually shuts 'em up.
I went into a drug store and the first things I saw were a Chia Obama, Pork Cracklins and everything Billy Mays has ever pitched. I'm wondering if the term "drug store" has more to do with who laid out the store rather than what it sells.
Disneyland claims to be the "happiest place on Earth". But that Walt Disney must have had an iron pair of balls to make that claim about the place, yet not have it serve mixed drinks.
The stewardess just announced that we can take the copy of the in-flight magazine with us. That's necessary, because I sure didn't get a chance to memorize every uninteresting, irrelevant inch over the last three hours I've been belted in my seat.
It is functionally impossible to compliment someone's toupee.
When I go into a store looking for and inquiring about an item, the answer, "we used to have it", not only doesn't give me useful information, but pisses me off more than the simple yet accurate answer, "no".
Law & Order ads say "ripped from the headlines", then the show's opening says any relation to actual events is coincidental. Hell, if they didn't change charcater names, the stories would be closer to reality than what they report on Fox News.
Wearing a new pair of pants before washing them always seems like a good idea. They're clean, pressed and will probably never look that good again. Then a bunch of crud and fibers sticks to that rectangular spot where the size sticker was.
Miller Lite has introduced the "Vortex" bottle. Thanks for the improvement, but I've never had a problem getting beer out of a bottle. Hell, I excel at it. I'm an idiot savant.
We've only had the same, well publicized rules for what can go through airport security for years. So, holier-than-thou douche, don't get surprised and take out your anger on the TSA agent because you have to trash your overpriced bottle of water.
Legs crossed just at the ankles. Fine. Legs open-crossed with the ankle resting on the knee. Also okay. But that closed-legged crossed legs with the knee above the other knee? Not a good look for a man.
If someone is a "one in a million", are their clones evenly disbursed throughout the world? Does that mean there's 40 people just like me in California, or is there a disproportionate number of my clones in a bizarre little outpost in Ohio?
Thanks, hippie, for telling me of the virtues of organic farming and the evils of pesticides, meat and preservatives. But can you take the cigarette out of your mouth before you judge me and how I'm supposedly killing myself?
My boxers have been crooked all day, and no matter what I do, nothing's in it's rightful place down there. I don't know what it is that makes things line up below the equator, but I didn't get any today.
Hot Apple pie, my ass. You're not fooling anyone, McDonald's. It's a Hot Pocket.
I think a fad can be considered dead when Larry King is seen sporting the trend. Ed Hardy, he was publicly wearing one of your shirts, so you are for whom the fashion bell tolls.
Apparently it's merely an "inconvenience" for my neighbor's dog to shit on my lawn, but it's "socially unacceptable" for me to return said shit to my neighbor's porch.
TV needs to digitally garble a nipple slip or a little bit of ass crack, but I can turn on the Today show and see Kathie Lee Gifford on "no makeup day"? I wasn't just offended, I was terrified. The FCC needs to seriously reconsider some standards.
I don't care what happens on vacation or even if anything is planned. Nothing beats that feeling walking out of work, knowing I won't be back for several days.
There's a very distinct line between "appropriate conversational eye contact" and "creepy, awkward staring".
Making a movie out of the MacGruber sketch makes seems like it'll make as much sense as making a TV show out of the Geico cavemen or clamping jumper cables on my scrotum. I'm actually not sure which is more painful.
Comcast owns NBC, yet my Comcast DVR always cuts off the last 15 seconds of every NBC show, and only NBC shows. Can't they sync their intra-organizational clocks so that I can know what's going to happen on next week's episode?
My friend's teenage daughter, who's reading "The Scarlet Letter" in school, asked me how this will ever help her in life. I cannot recall having been so lost for an answer in ages. I couldn't even bullshit beyond "you might be on Jeopardy someday".
A friend of a friend, looking for work, interviewed with Subway but was told "we like your experience but don't think you're a good fit for us". I just shudder to think what you have to tell Subway to not be a good fit there.
Few things as startling as a honk, thud or thump when backing out of a parking place or driveway.
As a survivor of testicular cancer, I take offense to the name of the Uni-Ball pen company.
I always took the song "The Rhythym Is Gonna Get You" as some sort of threat.
I will never understand why a balding man would wear a visor instead of a hat.
Even if I heard the car doors click, I'm not satisfied that my car is locked until the second time I push "lock" on my clicker and the horn beeps.
Why do pizza places sell cheesy breadsticks with marinara dipping sauce as an appetizer? Add it up, and it's just pizza arranged differently without the toppings. It's like getting steak nuggets before your meal at Black Angus.
The band A-Ha announced that they're disbanding after a farewell tour this summer. When a one-hit-wonder who was last heard from in 1986 is finally disbanding, what makes them think their last 24 years of irrelevance is suddenly relevant?
KFC is donating fifty cents to cancer research for every large bucket of fried chicken sold. Brilliant! Let's give America heart disease in order to find a cancer cure. Maybe next, Marlboro can start donating to herpes research.
A local supermarket advertised a few bucks off on Preparation H with their club card. This poses a consumer's dilemma. Do I forego the discount, or save the two dollars and risk having the cashier thank you by name for your embarrassing purchase?
Hey, Adobe and Windows, I'm glad that there's another update available. From now on, how about this, just update yourself while I'm not looking. You have my permission until you start charging for these updates that make no difference to me.
Movers have to hate it when one of their friends moves. Protocol is you help your friends move, but it's your job, and doing your job on your day off sucks. And your friends don't pay you to help them move, but it's your damn job. It's a no win.
Everyone has had that one experience where they took a drowsy late night chug of something straight from the carton out of the fridge. And it was sour, chunky and/or horrid. And that moment has shaped their decision making from that day forth.
I can't stand the person that wants to catch and release the spider when one is found inside. "They're good for nature and eat the bad bugs". Have you been outdoors? There's plenty. Squish the little bastard.
I'm actually more punctual at work now that I have a longer commute. When I was a few minutes away, if I was running late, I was screwed. Now if I'm running late, traffic laws be damned, I'm gonna make it!
Missouri is the "Show-me-State". You'd think Girls Gone Wild should have a field day there.
Subway now serves breakfast and opens at 7 or earlier. And that collective "aw shit!" was from all of the Subway employees, who already don't make squat and probably barely care, who now have to get up and in to work four hours earlier every day.
Large digital time and temperature boards should be leagally obligated to be accurate. I know it's rarely -156 degrees out like I've seen, but the clock on my way to work that's always 5 minutes fast makes my heart skip a beat nearly every day.
Why does Chiquita advertise? I seriously doubt anyone gives a shit, or even knows, what brand of bananas they're buying.
I know I'm well into adulthood now that I often have beer or booze in the house that I bought over a week ago.
So, copious amounts of cleavage are okay, but the slightest amount of asscrack is taboo. It even gets blurred if there's a quarter inch shown on Survivor. It's more about context. They're both equally offensive if shown by the wrong person.
When I'm working on papers or something on a clipboard, why must I always set it down flat on something that's at eye level, so I can't find it seconds later, as I'm staring right through it as I look around.
Denny's has introduced their new $2-4-6-8 value menu. $8 at Denny's? First, $8 at Denny's hardly seems like a value. Second, $8 worth of Denny's food seems like it could kill you.
Skechers is pushing these Shape-Up shoes that help tone the body of the image conscious while you wear them. But wouldn't these same people not want to wear a shoe that looks like it is compensating for one leg being shorter than the other?
Having not been one in the upper social echelon in high school, buying a Slurpee from the captain of the football team about five years after graduation was one my life's highlights.
People complain about having "cottage cheese thighs". I find this condition preferable to "spaghetti breasts".
Is it just me, or does Bruce Springsteen sing like he needs a little more fiber in his diet?
Why can't they just make car tires have deeper treads so that they last longer?
I will often happily take the route home that is longer, both in time and distance, just to avoid some traffic and keep moving.
If I try to tell you there's something on your face, and I point to the relative area on my face, I'm trying to show you as if looking in a mirror. Don't think me pointing to my right cheek means your right cheek. I'm not that smart.
When I get to the checkstand and the cashier has some sort of brain fart, doesn't have the right change or whatever the prolonged pause is, why must everyone in line stare me down, as if it's my fault for expecting her to be able to break a twenty.
Unless death is imminent, sharing news of a colorectal malady with a male friend rarely leads to support. Nope, that's material for mockery.
When a band on an arena tour is running TV commercials a week before their show saying "great seats still available", whether it's ticket prices or lack of interest, you're not ready for the royal big time. Sorry, Black Eyed Peas, that's how it is.
Some people say the current generation has no values. But 80's TV gave us characters named Boner and Cooter. And 50's/60's music? "You're 16, you're beautiful and you're mine." Pedophile! Take it down a notch, you hypocritical codger.
When the cat is on the tile or hardwood floor and starts that pre-vomit cough and hack, why does he immediately run to the carpet? Is carpet a better puking surface? Yet more proof that cats are inherently evil.
"Biweekly" means either occurring twice a week or occurring once every second week. When I get sentenced to biweekly counseling in the future for some transgression, I know why I'm missing three of my first four meetings.
The new Sun Chips bag is supposedly fully biodegradable. It is shown decomposing in the commercial. Does this mean instead of going out of date in your cupboards, the bag just dissolves, leaving a pile of chips?
The dictionary definition of the word "buddy" means friend or pal. Yet, when "buddy" is used in a sentence, the meaning is usually asshole or jerk. "Yeah, Buddy! That's right. I'm talkin' to you."
Getting the wording exact in a cliche can be very important. "I just pulled a rabbit out of my ass!" Congrats. Good Job. "I used to have a bunny in my butt!" Beg your pardon?
I have not, nor will I ever, decide to go shopping at a particular place for a mattress or a used car because they have a gargantuan inflated gorilla, Elvis or tube-man-thingy.
When I see an alumni license plate frame, I tend to judge the university-to-car relationship. Stanford alumni frame on an old Ford Escort? You didn't really get the value out of your $40,000-a-year education and the Stanford reputation, did you?
Mr. Encrypted Website, how dare you tell me my password strength is weak when my password is "Hercules".
Whenever "It's the End of the World As We Know It" by REM comes on, it seems everyone always starts singing along. And they always tail off at the same point in the second line "...eye of the hurricane, listen to yourself churn, rar, rar, blah ...".
"Push button to cross street". Whatever. That button doesn't do a damn thing.
It's simply amazing how much larger and more frequent political protests are with the high unemployment rate.
It's frustrating when I take a turn against the advice of my GPS, so it reroutes me and all of a sudden, my arrival time is sooner. Why didn't it want me to go this way all along?
Would it kill Wikipedia to use the pronounciation guide that we learned in grade school instead of characters that never appeared during our education?
Why must traffic reporters assume we're all idiots on the road? "Visibility at the junction is only about a half mile, so give yourself some extra time this morning". Seriously, if I can't react in a half mile, I shouldn't be on the road.
Does anyone ever literally "powder their nose"? And if so, wouldn't that cause some wicked sneezing?
Any time you're recuperating from an injury, just about everybody has a suggestion for a better path to recovery. Oh, you're doing physical therapy for your back? No. You need to rub crushed ginger on it and bathe in green tea.
Even if it's one of my favorite channels, if it's not in the cluster of other good channels, it's not getting watched. My attention span doesn't allow me to stay focused when channel surfing through home shopping, community access crap and C-SPAN.
They still put ashtrays in airplane restrooms ... right next to the "No Smoking" signs and threats of a $2,000 fine for tampering with the smoke detectors. It's almost like they're teasing the passenger with the nicotine fit, hoping to collect $2K.
Seriously, Chevron and Shell workers of the world: is it so hard to figure out that the small loop on 3's and 8's go on top? Yes, it is possible to hang these numbers upside-down, and you do it often.
It's handy when someone's holding a cell phone in an older picture. When you quite can't figure the date of a picture based on the fashion or hairstyles, nothing screams 1999 like a Nokia phone.
For all of the times that Windows has sent information to Microsoft about my program crash, just once, I'd like a "thank you" in return. Or even better, knowledge that my info has helped solve the problem. Just once.
The smell of bacon has the be the ultimate moment of truth for a converted vegetarian.
At one of my in-laws' family functions, there's enough silent judgement to settle most Supreme Court cases.
The first fancy credit card was the "Gold Card". Then they came out with the platinum card to one-up the gold card. Then the diamond card one-upped the platinum card. What's next? A "Weapons-Grade Plutonium Card"?
Someone just opened a video rental store in town. I can only think that the idea or timing could be worse if they also sold Polaroid instant cameras and 8-track tapes and then opened a bar next door that only served wine coolers.
What do the Paas Easter egg dye people do for the rest of the year?
It's one thing to cross the pond and have to learn how to drive on the other side. It's completely another being a pedestrian. Stepping off the curb, looking the way you're used to, and having traffic buzz by the back of your head ... terrifying!!!
Oh, you switched to "light" cigarettes? That'll make a difference and really help you out! That way your lungs will only change to a lighter shade of black.
It's painful watching someone play a fast-paced puzzle game (like Bejeweled), because you know you're better than they are, they're doing it all wrong, and your advice and direction only pisses them off.
If someone ever says "not to get too personal, but...", get ready, it's gonna get personal, and in a big way. You're gonna possibly hear about your perceived poor decisions in your love life, maybe drinking habits, maybe their hemorrhoid.
I'm always caught a little off guard when an airport security checkpoint worker shows symptoms of having a personality.
Vented cans. Cans that change color when the beer is cold. All kinds of problems Coors is solving that aren't problems. Maybe I'll buy it when they solve one other problem. Stop putting Coors in your beer cans.
I think disgruntled fast food workers get even on days it's raining by taking their time getting to taking your order. In the meantime, there I sit, window open, rain coming in. Waiting. Waiting. Getting wet.
Few things in this world sound as creepy as two musicboxes playing at once. If the Boogeyman needs an official theme, I recommend this.
It's disappointing to know that California's next governor will likely merely be a politician.
I find it funny how some people still don't want to call someone's cell phone when they also have a landline, as if that's some sort of bother. It's 2010. These things aren't just for emergencies, and don't cost 99 cents a minute any more. Relax.
Why is it that it's once I'm at work I notice a small patch on my face that I missed when shaving this morning? Not at home, where I can fix it. Now I'm convinced people will be looking at this small patch, as if I were drunk shaving this morning.
To anyone who claims to have picked an upset in "one of my brackets" needs to immediately shut up. If I'm picking the winner of a game, and I'm allowed more than one choice, I'm gonna get it right, too, Nostradamus.
CNN.com posted a story about "Comedian Rosie O'Donnell". And merely with that headline, I consider my life to have one less reputable news source.
Where was "cyan" in my box of 64 Crayola crayons? That's where I learned my colors. I'd never heard of cyan until the first time I bought toner for a color printer.
I'm convinced that those people in the background "on the phones" during a PBS pledge drive aren't really talking to anybody.
So, "Celebrity Apprentice" is on. Sharon Osborne is one of the celebrities. Some people will watch it, most won't. But if they had Ozzy instead of, or as well as Sharon, I'd watch it on pay-per-view.
Every city has at least one local news anchor, that when viewed in the glory of big-screen high-def, is so damn scary you have to turn to another channel.
I'm conflicted. Does John Elway merely have huge teeth, for which he should be mocked for resembling a horse? Or does he have receding gums, a serious periodontal condition, for which we should pause and reflect, then mock his equine resemblance.
If the cops on a crime drama are on your tail 20 minutes into the show, don't sweat it. You're innocent. If it's 40 minutes into the show, lawyer up. You're guilty, and the DNA in your semen proves it. Even if it's larceny, doomed by semen.
We live in a germophobic world with hand sanitizers and handi-wipes appearing with more frequency. Yet, I have no problem drinking straight from a beer can that's been stacked and handled without regard for cleanliness. Hope 6% alcohol sterilizes.
All too often, I tear, mangle and ruin some sort of package, usually plastic, in an effort to get it open. Then I turn it over to find a nice, easy-tear perforation and the words "open here".
Thousands of dollars for a college education, and years later, I'm competing for promotions against high-school diploma toting schlubs. So all I have to show for my degree is an alumni license plate frame that's worth more than the car it hangs on.
When you're trying to follow your friend on the road because they know the directions to where you're both going, it's inevitable that a large truck or SUV will worm its way in between the two of you, so you can't see who you're following.
There are few things in this world more intimidating or perplexing for a man than doing any part of a woman's laundry. So damn complicated!!! I'm half tempted to ruin something of my wife's just to never be put in this position again.
Why is the "employee of the month" spot always empty? Doesn't this person ever work? Surely they must have something to get their award.
It's can be embarrassing enough to get caught checking out a member of the opposite sex. It's more embarrassing to get caught by that person's adolescent kid. That's some brutal silent judgement.
I'm glad that quotes are the only punctuation requiring the occasional hand gesture. It would get ridiculous if you had to do a fist pump to emphasize a comma.
I don't understand the pierced septum. I'd think one's sense of style would want to angle towards looking less bovine, not more so.
High school foreign language classes teach you such worthless shit. "Roberto is handsome", or "I would like to buy a postcard." Good stuff. How about something I'll use? Such as, "I'd like a shot of top shelf tequila", or "Do you have chlamydia?"
Why can't they make adult vitamins that taste anywhere near as good as children's?
So, Spedoes on guys are very "European". Europe is also where David Hasselhoff has a prolific musical career. Damn, I'm glad my ancestors sailed across the Atlantic.
When I get a new e-mail and check it on my computer, I sure wish the notification icon on my phone would go away on its own.
At work, I'll get pissed and think "I didn't go to college for this." Where's my jet-setting executive lifestyle? Then I remember 2 a.m. beer bongs, skipping classes and my 2.9 GPA from a state school. Yup, I'm pretty much slotted where I belong.
Sometimes I envy my daughter and how easily she's amused. She's content to watch the same episodes of Hannah Montana over and over. Then I realize I'm on my fourth run through Arrested Development. It's really just a difference of free time.
Given that only about 2 out of my 40 daily e-mails mean anything, don't get mad that I didn't read your senseless forward, merely because one of those 38 e-mails that didn't pertain to me came from you.
I know it's your company's policy to thank me by name when my name shows up on the receipt, but since everybody stumbles when they see my name for the first time, and I know you don't really give a shit, let's just let it slide this time. Capiche?
"Bathing suit" is an odd term. As if anyone wears one with hygiene improvement in mind.
Anytime I see someone wearing a shirt, jacket, dress, etc. that's got an exclusively black and yellow pattern, I think they just walked out of a Sprint commercial.
I hate when I go in for a firm, business-like handshake and the other person does the same, but squeezes before I achieve the thumb interlock. There they go, squeezing my fingers and I can offer no more grip than a dead fish.
They're talking about eliminating mail service on Saturdays. Hell, if I only got mail on Saturdays, it wouldn't change my life any. I only fetch my bills and Valpak coupons once a week as it is.
I'd love it if just once, the actor in a re-enactment was less attractive than the person that they're portraying.
When I'm in the passenger seat, slamming my foot into the floorboards in a braking fashion does not in any way slow or stop the vehicle. It does, however, share your lack of faith in the driver.
I base when during the day I go to the gym not on when it's convenient for me, but on the crowd that's there. When it's the out-of-shape middle-aged-to-retired crowd, it's good for my self esteem. The in-shape 20-somethings? Soul crushing.
Whoever invented the side-by-side refrigerator/freezer didn't consider the large frozen pizza, and therefore clearly had no soul.
Buzz Aldrin, age 80, is going to be on Dancing With the Stars. This brings up a serious question. How old is too old to call a guy "Buzz"?
If your business has resorted yo putting a flyer under my windshield wiper, I hope this is a last ditch effort and your business fails. This is doubly true if it's raining, mainly because I never see these until I get in my car.
Why is the semicolon under my pinkie if I'm typing with my hands in the right position? I don't even know how to use a semicolon.
It's great that Domino's went to all this trouble to revamp their pizza and advertise this major improvement. Congratulations, guys! Now you have the worst pizza in town by a slightly smaller margin.
I'm guessing that the first person to say "It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission" wasn't in prison.
It bugs me when someone has a zit, mole or some other blemish on their nose ... right where I can't tell if it's that or a small nose stud. Not that it matters, but I just have to know.
Buzz Aldrin is going to be on "Dancing With the Stars"? With apologies to Neil Armstrong, that's going to be one sorry step for mankind.
I hate the first person to start a standing ovation when I'm not totally on board with the situation, which is usually the case.
One of the more haunting mistakes I've ever made was blacklighting my college apartment.
Red wine not only makes you drunk and clumsy, but it also can stain things to no end. So why do we serve it in a top heavy, ultra-spillable, stemmed glass?
I can only imagine how much more reliable and organized I'd be if Post-Its stuck to a computer monitor for more than an hour.
Why does major shit (cars, appliances, etc.) only break on weekends, when repairmen aren't available or come with a nasty overtime charge.
Thanks, Mr. Grocery-Bagger-Kid. I needed six bags for my nine items.
The governor of California is the head of the University of California regents, thus his signature is on every diploma. Having the Terminator's autograph on your wall seems more like a Planet Hollywood souvenier than evidence of a college education.
Do rabbis and priests ever really go to bars together?
When someone is voted off of American Idol, why do they have them again sing the song that got them voted off in the first place? It wasn't a good performance in the first place, how is it going to be any better when they are all choked up?
In my adolescence, a small part of me died the day I figured out that strippers and porn stars didn't use their real names. I'm not sure why it mattered, but it added to my already abundant hormonal confusion.
Why can't I leave the house without being convinced I left something on, open or unlocked?
It's unsettling when I find a stray screw on the ground at home. What did it fall out of? Is something going to fall apart?
My car always makes "that noise" until it gets to the mechanic.
If it really was possible to "laugh your ass off", I think people would greatly prefer this weight loss technique to treadmills.
Given that it's smaller than the county I live in, Rhode Island should lose its statehood and be reclassified as a suburb of Boston.
Cotton is advertising on TV. Was someone going to really switch over to polyester before that catchy "Fabric of Our Lives" jingle swayed them back?
I was astonished the day I finally met someone who uses calculus for something other than teaching calculus or writing calculus textbooks.
55 degrees. The official temperature that's heavenly in February, and the sign of impending seasonal doom in October.
I would love it if, just once when the American is standing on the podium accepting the gold medal, instead of "The Star Spangled Banner", they played "America, Fuck Yeah", from Team America, World Police.
People use the expression "never in a million years". I don't know how long any of you plan on living, but at this point, I really only consider the next 70 years relevant to me.
Thanks, commercial. After hearing all of the potential side effects of the drug, I'll just stick with the disease. Thanks!
When you're seeing the doctor, he/she should be forbidden from ever saying "hmmmmmm". Very, very unsettling.
There's a restaurant chain in Idaho and Utah, the Chuck-A-Rama Buffet, that failed in the first lesson of naming a restaurant: don't have a euphemism for vomit in your name.
As often as I hit the skip track button on my iPod or even a CD, I have no idea how I survived the cassette era ... or least didn't annoy the crap out of myself and everyone around me.
Few things scare the hell out of you like when a cop flashes his lights and siren just so he can get around you. Either drive with 'em on drive with 'em off ... none if this intermittent crap.
Someone needs to stop these focus groups that think we need more square cars.
When the speed skater false starts, he gets a few more before the threat of a disqualification. Screw that. Make 'em suffer. False start, take a shot of tequila. That'll make it a little more interesting.
Biathalon makes about as much sense as if in the middle of the Super Bowl, there was a pinball tournament among the players that counted in the final score.
Why do eggs come in the most fragile packaging in the supermarket?
It's always disappointing when upper story windows in buildings don't open. I like dropping stuff.
It watch a lot more of the skiing events at the Olympics if they had just one angry bear loose on each run.
I sure am glad that, still to this day, no sporting event is complete without a feeble attempt at the "human wave". Considering it was done and tired in 1991, rock on!
Few things land an adult in the zone between desperate and out of touch like wearing a Jonas Brothers t-shirt.
Three cheers to the companies that enforce a "no visible tattoos and/or facial piercings" policy. Employees with bandages in the same place over their limbs and faces every day sure looks better than that offensive hibiscus tat or gold nose stud.
I was a little surprised when I learned the name "Rodney Strong" belonged to a well respected winery, not a male porn star.
Don't wear a red shirt or sweatshirt while shopping at Target. People think you work there. They ask you stuff. I give them poor customer service to teach them a lesson.
I'm sick of seeing Survivor in all of these tropical locations. Yeah, it's tough, but ... I want to see Survivor in Detroit. Now let's see who has survival skills!
So amazing how every sitcom, no matter where it's supposedly set (Scranton, Pennsylvania or Pawnee, Indiana) looks just like Southern California. Even interstate road trips to New Hampshire look like Mulholland Drive.
Do the contestants on "Wheel of Fortune" really have to yell every damned letter? You're on a sound stage. They have professional equipment. We'll hear you. Calm down.
Even though I have caller ID, I still answer the phone regardless of who is calling.
I wish I could simply enjoy a vacation without a constant countdown in my head of how long I have until I have to go back to work.
I sure am glad we have to agree to the terms & conditions before signing into public wi-fi. Checking that box and clicking 'agree' will certainly thwart public porn seekers or Al Qaeda.
The Weather Channel is now in my HDTV lineup. Finally! You haven't lived until you've seen an occluded front in high-def!
I hate having to use sick days for when I feel too lousy to be at work. I prefer using them for when I feel too good to be at work.
Never eat buffalo wings right after clipping your fingernails. Oh, the burn!
I can't imagine a free Grand Slam is worth having to join a mob of people who are willing to wait an hour for a free Grand Slam.
I can't believe nobody was able to find those crash victims on "Lost" using Google Earth.
I'll never understand people who have undesirable initials that don't throw in a middle initial as a matter of course. I just could never write down "B.M." or "B.J." as a representation of myself.
It should be legal to shoot anyone who mows their lawn before 9:00 am.
I just can't ever get mad at anyone with a Fargo accent.
Listening to the radio in the car, I'm perfectly subconsiously content to listen to five minutes of commercials, but once a song comes on that's not one of my favorites, I'm immediately scanning the dial.
Why does any car radio (or any gadget, for that matter) that boasts iPod control operate nothing like an iPod and have to be so damned confusing?
I couldn't help but notice the irony of Seattle traffic being bogged down because somebody rear ended a Toyota.
When putting in a phone number in lieu of the grocery store club card, I find it awesome that not only does 867-5309 works, the name on the receipt is "Jenny Jenny". Love it when the checker says "Thank you, Mr. Jenny".
Every morning on my way to work, I know exactly how late I am because of where I pass a daily jogger on my route who's much more reliable and punctual than I am.
How come Applebee's "seasonal vegetables" never change?
Do these people that get all choked up or pissed off that they didn't get past the first round of American Idol also get furious when their lottery ticket isn't a winner? Besides, the odds are about the same.
Chef Gordon Ramsay has made a hell of a career based largely on disgust, profanity, abuse and risotto. I can pull off three of those four. Where was I during their application process?
So, many reality shows are either dedicated to "celebrities" or are celebrity editions. In order to be classified as a "celebrity", shouldn't you have more on your resume than one stint on a reality show?
Hey international folks, if you're considering emigrating, research your destination's profanity before naming your kids. Phuc, I'm talking to your folks.
Maybe my opinion is swayed from watching too much CSI or Law & Order, but are those no-contract, pay-as-you-go cell phones only used by criminals?
Google shouldn't be the only thing with an "I'm feeling lucky" button. I nominate ATMs.
At the end of an episode of Supernanny, they invite you to call if you feel you could use her help. Wrong! You should be able to nominate others. Those who need her help are often too stupid to realize it.
"Doppelganger Week" on facebook was rough. Just not enough mediocre-looking famous people to match me up, I suppose.
Why can't I suck at my job as badly as the network weatherman and still be a local celebrity?
Why can't I learn? On a mobile phone, I don't need to dial "1" before the area code. Ever!
My new cell phone tells me the current weather where I am. Great, that whole looking out the window thing is so damned inconvenient.
Thanks to the movie Dodgeball, anything involving the number eight is still "The Ocho" to me.
I'd watch American Idol a lot more if the judges had a squirt bottle, or perhaps a tazer, to deal with the more ignorant, tone-challenged contestants.
I'd think your kid is a lot cuter if you'd just wipe his damn nose.
Burger King sells tacos? Isn't that like going to a proctologist for an eye exam?
If they ever put nutritional information on a beer can, the "servings per container" should read "1/6".
So, for Groundhog Day, if he sees his shadow, we get six more weeks of winter. I don't get the big deal, because six weeks from February 2 is March 16. According to the calendar, that's still winter.
I didn't start my day looking for a sign of the apocalypse. But I just heard an ad for a dating website for "cougars" seeking younger men. My friends, we're one step closer to the end.
Buying a nostalgiac breakfast cereal of my past can be as embarrassing as buying porn. Crunch Berries? But I'm 37! Maybe I'll throw a box of condoms in the order to knock the cashier off my scent.
If every other attempt at gaining a girl's attention fails, then you strike gold by bringing up McDonalds' new dollar menu, you, my friend, have found the world's dumbest chick.
So I try on a shirt at The Gap, and the large doesn't fit me. I try on something else at Kohl's, and the large is too big. Is it too much to ask for some consistency and I don't need a special chart to figure out who's clothes "run a little big"?
Few things in this world are as disappointing as the size of a side order of bacon.
Growing up, I never wore a helmet while riding my bike and stood on the transaxle on the middle of the floor in the backseat while Mom was driving. Booster seat? Seat belt? Meh. Dear God, how am I still alive?
Hey, hippie that's saving the forest one tree at a time: I'm sure the owls appreciate your cause, but I'll bet one is pretty pissed off that you moved into his tree.
Taco Bell bottles and sells their hot sauce? Why? I can get two fistfulls for just 89 cents. And that comes with a free burrito.
All these years and references I made to having a little "Captain Jack" in the evening, assuming it's slang for Jack Daniels. Now, I find out it's street lingo for heroin. Oops! No wonder nobody lets me borrow any money.
Calm down people. Green M&Ms taste exactly like all the others.
The commercials for Yaz make it look like it's an effective birth control by turning you into a crazy mess, driving the guys away. Impromptu haircuts, blowing bubbles in the bubble bath fully clothed ... that's bipolar action.
I learned all the sign language I need to know in traffic.
If you can help me make $20,000 a month, can't you afford to advertise that fact with a sign that's better than Sharpie on cardboard?
When a pen is dead, why do I put it back in the cup with the live ones?
Contrary to cartoons of my childhood, I've never met a dog named Rover or Spike.
I knew I stepped into adulthood when the ketchup in my fridge was in a bottle, not a bunch of pilfered packets.
"Tomato Ketchup". Thanks for clarifying. Is there some other kind of ketchup that I've been missing out on?
My bosses keep telling me to "raise the bar". I don't totally get this, and I don't think it's my call. But just not so high that I can't see the bartender and still order a drink.
I'm pretty sure that if I went into Taco Bell and requested a different cashier, someone's spitting in my burrito.
I wonder if Italians are personally offended by Sbarro.
Dear Mom: I have never met anyone whose face "stayed that way forever".
Back when MTV actually played music videos, it was like training for ADD.
Someone needs to create icdb.com. The internet commercial database. Who's that cute chick in the Taco Bell commercial?
Why don't newscasters in New York have New York accents? Anywhere with a local dialect gets its news from people who sound like they're from Denver.
One of my greater accomplishments was sending a birthday card to "A Whale's Vagina, California", and my friend in San Diego got it.
When I hear someone ask to "do me a solid", I'm not thinking of a favor. I can only think it's a medical professional specifying what kind of specimen they want.
"Pepsi Throwback, Made With Real Sugar". Great, now our food is such crap, sugar is considered retro.
If you merged the show "Verminators" with one of those Kia commercials with the giant, driving rodents, you'd have one kick-ass episode with guaranteed ratings.
I'm convinced that when microwaving a frozen burrito, the time between when the center is still frozen and the ends explode is 0.01 seconds. I've yet to achieve that nirvana.
Has anyone ever added a sprig of parsley to their frozen dinner to achieve the "serving suggestion" that's on the box?
The cheaper and smaller that video cameras become, the more worthless crap we'll have to wade through on youtube to find anything tolerable. Thanks, Flip!
Isn't it counter-intuitive that the traditional bicycle of a man, who has family jewels to protect, has a crossbar that one's crotch could crash down upon, while the bike of a woman has no bar?
Judging from the tone of the television ads by the retailiers, the theme of Christmas '09 is "guilt".
I'm so happy that Hollywood finally is making sitcoms without laugh tracks. I can decide when something is funny on my own, thanks.
Whenever I hear that 1 in 50 or 1 in 100 people suffer from some affliction, like hoarding, I do the math and try to figure out how many of my facebook friends have this condition and which ones they are.
I wonder what Sarah Palin would have named her book if in that episode of Friends, they had referred to it as "going rogue" instead of "going commando".
I'm guessing that "White Christmas" and "Let It Snow" aren't real popular Christmas Carols in Australia.
When English folks try to mimic the American accent, why do they think we all talk like John Wayne?
What exactly is a "Magnesia", and how do you milk one?
We should be able to refer to the number 110 as "eleventy".
In my childhood, one of my greatest fears was going back into the pool within fifteen minutes after having eaten. It would cause death. What in the hell was that all about?
Every day, I thank myself for making choices that keep me off the defendant stand on "Judge Judy".
Never take advice from somebody who wears velcro shoes.
How is it possible that McDonald's is the world's most successful restaurant, but everyone I know thinks their food sucks?
Even the best comb-over still looks worse than the worst shaved head.
Caller ID has ruined my favorite childhood pastime for my children: Prank calls.
I know it's wrong to illegally download music. But for years, I'd spend fifteen bucks on a CD, only to find out that the CD has the song I like, and twelve tracks of utter crap. Now, it's payback time, bitches!
$60 for a GPS. Great! Having to hang out with anyone who's willing to be at Wal-Mart at 5:00 am the day after Thanksgiving. Not worth it.
Whatever the cause, if an unemployed, dreadlocked hippie is protesting it, I'm taking the other side.
Nothing makes me feel old like hearing an instrumental version of a song I like.
I feel a sense of accomplishment when I keep a pen long enough for the ink to run out.
Why does Word call me on 18th century rules of grammar that nobody knows or cares about, but won't call me out for using affect or effect incorrectly?
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