Ruminations
Boys, there is nothing that 2 female best friends love more then when their boyfriends bond with each other.
4 
I always wondered what they do to the babies to make them cry on cue on TV shows.
I turned down hanging out with a guy earlier today, and just found out he spent the night hanging out with the lead singer of my favorite band. Not enough rum in the world to save me now.
Alright, Nick at Nite, I have you on to help me fall asleep since I don't like the dark. Cool it with the commercials for "the crazies" already. You're not helping.
I have yet to meet one person who doesn't get annoyed by the sound of a straw sliding up and down the lid.
There's a store in my mall called "feng shui world" and I really want to go in there and just move stuff around.
I just saw a commercial where the girl texts her name and birthday and it texts back if the guy you like is your love match. She entered 10-31-1980. I'm no expert, but if you're relying on a subscription text message, maybe that's why you're single and 30. Just a thought.
So my Yaris has never been the fastest of all the Toyotas, but at least it knows how to stop.
So most guys don't get turned on by single moms, but girls LOVE single dads. And that's because boys think with their penises and girls think with their wedding dresses.
They REALLY shouldn't make laundry baskets wider than doorways.
Forget apps and touch screens. I need a phone where I can "bank" my unused characters of a text message to apply to later, longer texts.
I know it's done for camera angles, but it makes me really uncomfortable when everyone bunches on one side of the table on tv.
If my mom calls me when I am sick, I feel like death and need her to cook me food. If I get asked on a date, suddenly, I'm miraculously all better!
I've recently discovered one of the worst dilemmas you can have when you're home sick in bed is losing the remote in a mountain of pillows and blankets.
Yes I can use just one paper towel with bounty.... if I want whatever shit I was cleaning up all over my hand.
I need to get a boyfriend. Not for the love, or the company. But I have some really tough jars I need opened.
I hate that if I leave work halfway through my day, that first half FLIES by, but if I come into work halfway through my day, I still feel like there's an eternity left.
Thanks to shows like Grey's Anatomy and Scrubs, whenever I am in a hospital, I wonder why people aren't doing it in the janitor's closet.
My work recently switched to thinner, "greener" cups in the cafeteria. How could they not forsee the condensation problem and the fact that everyone doubles up their cups now. Ohh the irony.
Really, google chrome web broweser? You're THAT confused when I accidently type "gooogle.com"? Figure it out.
Surefire way to promote a scary movie? Have a creepy pale kid stare directly into the camera and whisper something obscure.
Sorry boys, but the look on your faces when we switch it up and wear the bra that clasps in the front NEVER gets old!
I really think I was born with the ability to wrap a towel on my head after I shower.
Dear German Shepherd, we have had this roommate for almost a year now. It's not necessary to bark at him every time he exits his room. He is actually allowed to do so at his leisure.
If you want a never ending battle in the workplace, take a poll. Are tennis balls yellow or green?
People become very trusting of complete strangers in their row during the money/hot dog exchange at a baseball game.
Recently I found out little kids were getting drunk by licking their hands after using hand sanitizer. My new goal in life is to have kids as cool/smart as those little fuckers.
Just once I'd like to actually be the one millionth customer.
I told a rep I work with, "Go ahead and connect the customer, Jennifer is fine." The rep then put the customer through and said, "I have my supervisor on the line, and her name is Jennifersfine, and she will help you from here." Speechless.
Dear black bath towel, I have had you now for over a year, it's time to stop shedding your black fuzz all over me every time I use you.
Today I was disappointed when I walked outside after work and realized the burning I smelled was people's fireplaces and NOT the building burning down.
It is so irritating that my blackberry screen is dim when I am texting, and then lights up after I send it.
I will never click the "back" button as long as my keyboard has backspace.
I appreciate the new "Excedrin menstrual," really, I do. I'm just really anticipating the arrival of "Excedrin Hangover."
Today my beagle ate a bacon grease soaked paper towel. I guess dogs really DON'T know it's not bacon.
It's a sad day at work when coworkers can recognize your fake laugh.
What was I thinking when my outgoing message for my voicemail was just the chorus of a song?
I hate that sometimes I have to straighten the same piece of my hair 3 times with a 200 degree flat iron just to get it straight, yet 5 minutes tucked behind my ear, its no longer straight.
I work on the second floor and I take the elevator. There. I said it.
When my chapstick starts rolling off my desk and I catch it at the last possible moment, I feel like a total badass.
You know it's a slow day at work when you're staging animal cracker showdowns. May the best elephant win.
I gave my fish some extra food today. It's thanksgiving, they should get a feast today too.
When they have awards shows like the VMA's or the AMA's, do you think they ever forget to invite someone? Like is Taylor Swift sitting at home watching, going, "Where the fuck was my e-vite?!"
I know they're all pipes, but I can't bring myself to dump the rest of my milk down the bathroom sink.
I'd rather run the dryer twice than crawl behind it to fix that hot air exhaust thing to make it work efficiently.
I know it's terrible logic, but whenever the middle of my drink is frozen, I hesitate drinking it, thinking all the flavor is frozen and I'll be stuck with just water.
The lady with missing teeth that says "Cash for gold is one hundred percent legit!" Doesn't make me believe it.
It bugs me when the musicians singing about break-ups in music videos are wearing their wedding rings.
I feel so left out living in Arizona when daylight savings time happens.
Today I told a little boy to take the candy he liked. He took smarties. He then said, "Ooh! I like snickers too!" and took a snickers. I told him to quit being greedy. He needs to learn.
Whenever I see a car blow up on a movie or tv show, I can't help but think, "What a waste of a perfectly good car."
Messenger, as in instant messenger, is not a word. Yet "messager" looks and sounds so wrong.
I HATE when people ask me how old I am less than a month before my birthday. I sound like a 5 year old, "I'm 22, but I'll be 23 in 26 days!"
Why is the only way you are able to open a bag of peanut M&M's lengthways? That seems like the LEAST convenient way to eat my chocolatey snack.
I hate lyrics websites that don't let you select the words. I don't just want to read along, I want to copy and paste them to my facebook. Get with the program.
I would be willing to bet my salary that every guy over the age of 12 has measured his junk with a ruler.
I find it very ironic that whenever I know for a fact someone is watching me walk away, I feel like I'm walking like a newborn calf.
I would be willing to bet my entire paycheck that the ONE toaster strudel on the box has TWO packets of icing on it.
How come when I am moving so I pack 3 weeks early, I always need the one thing in the bottom box that I haven't used in the last 2 years?
If I could have just 2 minutes to be able to talk to my dogs, I would explain to them the difference between the ACTUAL doorbell and the doorbell on the tv.
I wish the "free" section of craigslist had an "exclude" option. I'm looking for cool stuff and I am tired of seeing dirt and rocks.
I bet that dude from the Verizon commercials can't walk around in public with a group of friends without freaking people out.
Who decided that just because I got older means I prefer a chalky pill over bubblegum flavored medicine?
Nothing beats your phone ringing WHILE you are looking for it. Thanks for the help, universe!
Why is the icon for my cell phone settings a wrench? I have NEVER used a wrench on my cell phone.
I wish TV remotes came with a "lock keys" function like my cell phone does. I'm tired of the dog changing the channel. When he starts paying rent, he can start making decisions.
I think the best thing about living on your own is nobody yells at your for putting your feet up on the couch when you have shoes on.
Why does my alarm have a "loud" and "soft" option? Why would I want my alarm soft when it's supposed to be waking me up?!
I have come to realize that by the time you figure out you're about to mop yourself into a corner, it's too late.
I think my neighbors walk past my window when I'm on an important phone call on purpose just because they know my dogs will bark.
Even though I know I'm lying to myself, when I wait too long to hang my clean laundry I tell myself gravity will unwrinkle all my shirts while they hang in my closet so I don't have to iron them.
Why do we tilt our heads back to take pills? It's not like gravity on that tiny little pill is going to overpower my gag reflex..
Nothing makes you feel more stupid than trying to name all the US states on a map.
I hate how tv sitcoms give me an unrealistic expectation of how much free time I'll have working 40 hours a week. Last I checked I don't have time to sit in a coffee shop all day. I have rent to pay.
When I type a text message and it's exactly as long as my phone will allow, I feel like I won some kind of perfect text message contest.
I hate when I go to take a sip of my drink, thinking it's water, but it actually being milk. The split second before I realize I did, in fact get milk, is utterly horrifying.
Whenever I don't finish my lunch in time at work, I always hope for a really complicated call so I can put the customer on hold so I can finish.
Sometimes I will change my entire sentence to avoid double words. "Why yes I happen to do that," just sounds so much better than, "Yes I do do that."
I hate when you tell someone something is a pet peeve of yours, only to find out that they do it. Its like, I dont love you less, just dont do that shit around me.
How come when my phone is on silent, I always think I hear that text message chime, but when it's on LOUD I always miss my messages?
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