Ruminations
Professor Snape is no longer intimidating after finding out that Alan Rickman is a stoner butterfly on Alice in Wonderland. Way to ruin your reputation, dude.
10 
I never realize how shamefully filthy my car is until I try hand-washing it.
I can't stand my hoodie sleeves hanging down in my way, so I always roll them up. But the thought of buying one of those half-sleeve hoodies is just ridiculous.
The best thing about paintballing with friends is shooting them in the forehead and yelling, "Boom! Headshot!" and not, you know, going to prison.
The worst thing about biting your tongue really hard isn't the pain; it's the unbridled rage that can only be blamed on yourself.
I've had this Social Security Number my whole life, yet it still hasn't made me socially secure.
Socks are undoubtedly the easiest item of clothing to shop for, yet I'll put it off until I'm wearing just the ankle rings.
Parents always tell you not to bother them while they're busy unless the house is on fire. And yet, when the house really is on fire, you get into much more trouble than when it's not. Make up your damn minds!
I forget that my friends don't know I'm on the same road as the county fairgrounds. 'Take a left after the elephants in Indian ceremonial dress. If you pass the lion being ridden by a sparkly fairy, you've gone too far. Hello? Hello?'
It's obvious that my facial scars are from hard work and hard play. But that chick over there with facial scars? She must be a crackhead.
I'm weird because I don't care about football? When several buff guys in tights start following me, worshiping me, threatening people that foul me, giving me money and cheering for me, I'll care about them, too.
I can talk all day about a million subjects, but as soon as someone says, 'So, talk to me', I lose the ability to think or speak.
Make fun of my Eduardo cartoon-character purse all you want. Put your $600 D&B purse at the same table as mine, and let's see which one of us is crying like a dumb bitch because their purse got stolen.
How can asexual and a sexual be total opposites?
I don't care how hardcore you are. If you don't cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
It's creepy that no matter how old I get, no matter which high school I'm driving by, I see people that look exactly like the people I went to school with.
The merciless, mind-searing, debilitating brain freeze is finally gone! I think I'll celebrate with a huge bite of ice cream.
Ladies, don't ask your man or friends if what you're wearing makes you look fat or stupid unless you want honesty. A person who cares about you won't let you go into public looking like a damn fool.
Finding a surprise hangnail while quickly pulling on a fuzzy sweater just might be the fastest way to both look and sound stupid.
Tall people with tons of nose hair should not make fun of really short people.
The best way to rid yourself of an obnoxious person is to tell them you're about to barf.
Thanks, Taco Bell. I didn't know I had to order my food inside of the wrapper instead of all over the bag.
Unclehood is strictly for reviewing and reciting the atrocious behaviors of your childhood, and inventing new ways to apply them.
It's a law of nature that you cannot use an entire pack of gum alone. You must share with strangers, your car floor, and the pocket of your brand-new pants in the dryer.
Just because I don't drink doesn't mean I'm responsible for you by default.
You know you're in a bad neighborhood when you see mattresses on the sidewalk. You know you're in the ghetto when someone's sleeping on them.
It's cold, ladies. Don't lie. I'd rather wear long-johns under my pants than stand around shivering like a jackass just to look 5 lbs thinner.
The thought of eating a regular orange for a snack is repulsive, but put a box of Satsumas in front of me, and there will be no survivors.
If you're going to get drunk and stupid, make sure that everyone around you is as drunk or more so that they won't remember what you did.
Bad songs are like drug addiction. You have to have it all the time, you deny its use to your friends, you listen by yourself so no one will catch you, and later you can't understand what the hell was wrong with you.
I wonder if the pictographs and hieroglyphs of Egyptians with the weird clothes and eyeliner were the ancient emo attention-whore MySpace posts, and all the brilliant archaeologists have been fooled.
Females, if you run outside when your man honks and sit down when he pats his lap, don't be shocked when he starts treating you like a dog.
I check the oven 409875634 times before it's time for my food to be done, but when it is time, I forget and it burns.
Either you're part of the solution, or I'll work you into being part of the problem somehow.
Why do I still feel like the feds are going to search me when I try to sneak food into the theater? I get sweaty palms and act conspicuous, and I don't even think the employees care.
Potlucks are the best thing ever until you've seen how dirty some of those people's kitchens are.
Don't keep telling me what's wrong with my car unless you're going to fix it.
The people that pay people to tattoo and pierce them are the same ones that have to take a week off work and file insurance claims when they get a boo-boo.
Everyone understands Pig Latin, except the person you're trying to be sly with.
WTF, Winnie the Pooh? Piglet's a paranoid schizo, Christopher Robin has no friends and talks to stuffed animals, Eeyore is suicidal, Winnie binges and mooches, Rabbit is violent and nothing ever turns out right. Great kid's show.
Yes, greasing your windshield wipers will help the squeaking. That doesn't mean it's a good idea.
My friend's brother was looking up an awesome new song he heard that must be 'underground' because none of his friends had heard it before. It was Crazy Train. This cannot be the youth of today.
Don't deny it. We have all made more well-aimed headshots at the Duck Hunt Dog than any other game, ever.
Forget memory cards for cameras. What we really need is a memory card to insert before we start drinking.
I'll bet the guy that plays Professor Snape can't go anywhere without kids hating on him.
Hey, Twilight Movie, you're supposed to be a live-action book, not Cliff's Notes about the book.
How the hell did Bob become short for Robert and Bill become short for William? Where are people getting these letters and who decided it was okay?!
Whenever someone short-changes you, they say, 'Jeez, it's just a few bucks'. If it's 'just a few bucks' and it's no big deal, then give it back!
It's strange how quickly my ideas of what's definitely good and definitely bad change when explaining the injury is worse than having it.
I get really pissed at people for what they do in my dreams. They say I'm crazy, I say it's a pre-emptive warning. Better watch yourself, Victim-Of-My-Stupid-Intuition.
Nothing bad should happen on sunny days. It's against nature.
I blame you, corn on the cob, for the invention of floss.
Why am I disappointed when my watermelon tastes like...water?
Santa doesn't do that horrid job because he loves kids. Most guys would do it if they could know where all the naughty girls lived when they grew up.
Contrary to its name, 'driving rain' is not fun to drive in.
Pregnancy is never an excuse for your whole body to become fat. The baby is in your stomach area, not your face, thighs and arms.
I wish I had the power to make John Cleese's voice take over and loudly narrate the most disgusting habits of people I hate while they're trying to impress someone.
You can always tell what vices a person has by what stupid name they give their poor pet. Owner of Cheech, Buds, Brew, Doobey, Tokey, let's see you call your doggy while the cops are raiding your house.
I'm so putting an elk call or a duck call on my turbo blowoff valve, just to mess with people in traffic.
If you live with your significant other, have a house or apartment nicer than mine, two cars nicer than mine, and your parents have given you everything, don't expect a $200 gift from anyone you invited to your wedding.
If you don't know what you want, can't leave a message, and won't tell me your name, don't call. Caller ID. You're not a spy.
Girls that say they don't have anything to wear while they go through a wardrobe full of clothes that cost more than my house should get slapped.
How is Brett Favre's name pronounced Farve? The V is before the R, people. Fah-vreh. No wonder people think football players are idiots.
If you've already thrown up, it's time to leave the party, not walk around trying to talk to everyone.
Out of all the maids, Little Red Riding Hoods, lingerie models and hot nurses at the Halloween party, the most popular girl was dressed as a giant piece of bacon, passing out bacon, with a sign on her back that said, 'You know you want me'.
I wonder if Chuck Norris ever hears Chuck Norris jokes and thinks, 'I wish!'
Illiterate people of the last 100 years have it so good. Before typewriters and keyboards you didn't have the 'typo' excuse. If you misspelled something, you were just stupid.
If you keep introducing me as that girl who did that publicly humiliating thing you told them about, I'll be introducing you as the guy who got beat up by a girl in front of all his friends.
Women, stop wearing so much makeup. Case in point: today at my daughter's elementary school Halloween parade, a mother made her child a very real zombie face with just the makeup she had in her purse.
If skin is constantly dying, shedding and being replaced by new and improved skin, then why do I still have all these funky scars and moles and whatnot?
Lola may be a pretty name, but please realize that you're the worst parent ever for giving your child a name synonymous with a song about transvestites.
I hate driving during fall. I stomp on the brakes, pray I don't hit the poor fuzzy animal skittering across the road, almost get rear-ended, then hate myself because it was a leaf in the wind.
If I were stranded on an island and could have one thing, it wouldn't be a boat or a plane. Ramen packets. You can eat them, make an awesome fort, or throw them in the water and they swell up into a life raft!
Forget being priceless. You're only worth the bail amount poeple will pay for you.
This time of year, I wish car manufacturers would put heaters in all the useless places they put speakers.
If your license plate frame brags about how cute you are, how spoiled your grandkids are, or how your husband bought you everything you want, you're probably not worth bragging about.
I hate this cold, wet weather, but with the fireplace smell and snowy air smell, I think I'll live.
Why does the dentist get paid such a ludicrous amount when the dental hygenist does all the gross, hard stuff? The dentist just comes around when the work is done and doesn't even see the actual damage that was there.
Girls, if sharing food with a stranger is gross, how is sharing lipstick, deodorant, food, drinks, shoes, hairbrushes, etc. with a friend you've known awhile sanitary? Friendship doesn't render germs helpless, you know.
Why do parents want to know all the details when their daughter is pregnant? There's something wrong with parents that want to know all about their daughter's sex life.
'Beat It' is infinitely better by Fall Out Boy, and 'Smooth Criminal' is infinitely better by Alien Ant Farm. Go on, judge me.
Hospitals, quit hiring inept girls just because they're hot. I get worried when my daughter's nurse thinks it's 'totally rude' when the doctor writes S.O.B. on her charts.
One box of macaroni is never enough for two people. But two boxes of the same size make enough for a small army, with leftovers.
If you have to ask your friends if they think you're a slut, guess what?
Asking me in that snarky tone if I'm gonna say, 'I told you so', is much more satisfying than saying it myself.
Don't give me bad news in a way that makes me feel sorry for you, then want to kill you. 'I broke my hand.' OMG, how? 'When I drove your motorcycle into the back of your Volvo' WHAT?! 'When I stole it after drinking your rum stash.'
I've slept on floors, lumpy couches, sitting up in loud cars, in a missile silo in a submarine and on the wet forest floor with wild animals around. But if my warm, cozy bed has a grain of sand in it, insta-insomnia.
No, you're not charging me extra for my drink with no ice. I didn't order a glass of ice and an ounce of mixed drink, leaving me with a drop of alcohol. Don't put it in a smaller glass either. My $9 drink had better fill that thing up.
Dear makeup companies, people's skin does not go from lily to dandelion to pink to Cheeto to Hershey. If Crayola can make skin-tone wax for all ethnicities, you should be able to make at least one color match. I'm tired of looking like a damn freak.
One of the new penny designs shows president Lincoln sitting on a log. I belive this is a gross misrepresentation of Lincoln Logs and I will never love these pennies.
Gum is infinitely more awesome in ball form than stick form, even if it does lose flavor after five seconds.
What about whacking your funny bone, biting your tongue or squashing your finger can turn even a nun into a well-versed swearing sailor?
No matter how bad the urge to yawn, once some idiot sticks their finger in your mouth mid-yawn, it's over, and replaced by the urge to kill.
What the crap kind of parent sends their child to the movie auditions when a fat, akward-looking obnoxious kid is needed? How can you make your kid feel like that? And it's your fault he's that way to begin with!
I really don't want to hear about your sex life.
If laughter is the best medicine, how comes it hurts worse than anything while I'm sick?
I'll bet every dog in Mariah Carey's neighborhood goes nuts when she goes that high-pitched shrieking thing.
The security gaurd at the courthouse can joke with a woman wearing a skirt and snug blouse about not sneaking weapons in, but if you respond with, 'I left my grenades at home because they're uncomfortable to sit on', it isn't funny.
It's not a car 'accident' if you pulled that stupid-ass move in traffic 'on purpose'. I don't want to hear you whine.
An asterisk always means 'costs you money'. Always.
There is a direct correlation between the size of the hoop earring and the sluttiness of the wearer.
Go ahead and make fun of the vegetable bags in my boots. When your wet pants get snow in your boots, my bags will be too good for you.
It's ice cream. So why do we get disgusted when there's ice crystals on it?
The military really needs to start working with birds. They can cross borders without security checks, they're inconspicuous, and I'll be damned if I've seen a F-16 that can drop a bomb in the 12 inch area of my open sunroof while moving.
Whoever decided that most alcoholic drinks should be the same color as urine should be flogged. We have food coloring. Why is it still this way?
Cheaters, give your friends a heads-up. If you go on about 'Jane' and we see you all over some girl and we call her 'Jane', and the look on her face and ensuing fight means she's 'Not Jane', it's your fault. How did I become the bad guy here?
I've watched Gone With the Wind, Casablanca, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Lord of the Rings and all that. But the best movie of all time? The Emporer's New Groove. I will defend this to the death.
If I invited you to a Role Playing party, told you that my friends were hookers, cheerleaders, animals, inanimate objects and will probably be drinking and acting inappropriately, you would never talk to me again. Halloween party? You're there!
I wish I could talk like the bad guy on movies. 'What the crap, you forgot my coffee' doesn't have the same terror-instilling ring as, 'You have failed me for the last time, henchmen. I shall see to it that your untimely demise is not a pleasant one.
I have so many strange words for the things that are wrong with me, my doctor must be Dr. Seuss.
If you send your sick kid over to play with my healthy kid because you don't want them getting your family sick, don't act all insulted when I won't do you any more favors.
Zelda is the princess. Link is the elf guy. Get it right.
I was just very publicly informed that her name is not Urethra Franklin.
If you'd rather talk business, problems, or old times over drinks than Super Mario 3, we're not gonna be talking.
I'll bet Rick Astley just about shit bricks when he found out that he's more famous now than he was 20 years ago when that song came out.
Who is this lady who know where the stairway to heaven is, and why hasn't she made a killing off of it yet?
Nausea is your body's way of saying it hates you. Gas is your body's way of saying it hates everyone around you.
Anyone else notice that during the awesome food presentation on Beauty and the Beast, Belle didn't actually eat anything? She and I would never be friends.
No matter how much planning you put into conversations with a new person you're trying to impress, everything they say is unplanned for, so you end up sounding like you're on drugs the whole time.
Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers is always the right color, no matter what your skin tone, always the right flavor, always smells good, my guys friends can use it, and it's only $1. Take that, expensive makeup company.
Just because a guy is wearing grungy, bizarre clothes and has cool-looking long hair does not mean he's some deep, spiritual musician. It just means he doesn't take care of himself and knows it gets him alot of attention.
Dude, you should make sure everyone around you has had at least as much to drink as you have so that they can't remember all the embarrassing stuff you're about to do.
If you're too young and musically sheltered to know that'I Don't Care' by Fall Out Boy sounds just like 'Spirit in the Sky' by Norman Greenbaum, then you're too damn young to wear that band shirt.
I have found that honesty and a sense of humor can get you a long way when you're talking to the police. Unfortunately they don't like hearing true, funny things about themselves.
My 9 year old daughter just convinced some evil boy in her class that petroleum jelly is great on toast. His parents have informed the principle that it's not.
If you owe me money, every unnecessary thing you buy from the time I lent you money to the time you pay me back, is mine. If you don't have money to pay me, you don't have money for that.
Why do people get a vacant stare and say 'Uuhmm' when asked things they should know? You can't remember your birthdate? Weren't you there? Your phone number? Your address? Your name? You've had it for awhile now, right?
It's great that you're trying to pass on your heritage by giving your child a name form the homeland. You don't have to pick the wierdest one you can find. Several consonants together will never be pronounced correctly.
The power can be out for three days, but by the time I remember that I don't need to flip the lightswitch every time I walk into a room, it has come back on.
I would watch, and participate in, more sports if they had Calvinball rules: make it up to your advantage as you go along, and the whole town is your field.
If you don't have the decency to brush your tongue, at least have the decency to stop talking in my face.
Why do people look at me strangely when I really run, like there's a pack of rabid badgers chasing me? But the guy wearing shiny, skin-tight shorts, taking tiny steps like a transvestite in heels, that's normal.
Whenever a tiny poofy yippy dog chases me down the street, biting and yapping, I wonder if their owner hates other people, or dogs? Because it's football season, and I just can't wait for kickoff.
You can tell how much respect someone has for you by how they let their dog treat you when you visit. Tnanks for letting your monster sniff my crotch, lick my face with his butt germs, and jump all over me. I'm leaving.
Confidence and a razor do not magically transform them into sexy, muscular, curvaceous, cellulite-free legs. Take off the butt-skirt and the heels and cover that. Please.
If I buy a caramel apple and it's hard and bitter inside, you better believe I will be, too.
Don't tell me you're fixing your nose ring. Having a staph-germ infested decoration in your nose during cold season does not excuse the fact that, yes, you just had your finger in your nose.
If you ask a girl if you can buy her a drink, do not argue with the bartender about price and then say, 'Whatever's cheap'. Girls, if he does this, he means you.
I can sing every word to the Tootsie Roll Pop song, 'The World Looks Mighty Good to Me', that I haven't beard in 15 years. But karaoke night, the song every American has suffered through for 30 years? I swear, I'm not drunk.
My memory is the devil. I've worked with the same Suzy for 6 years, and yet when new people ask her last name, I say, 'Derkins'. You know, Suzy Derkins from Calvin and Hobbes. People run around calling her Suzy Derkins and she doesn't know why.
It has eagle talons, elephant ears, no neck, giant teeth, emo kid hair, waddles like a pregnant hippo, has a horse face and sounds like Michael Winslow on Police Academy. Yes, let's buy a guinea pig and give it to our helpless child.
The beefed-up jerk with the big truck went form being a 'stupid asshole' to 'my hero' when we found out he had blocked traffic to pick up the squirrel he had just run over.
Brendan Fraser as George of the Jungle could whoop Gerard Butler from 300, hands down. But I just can't take him seriously.
My drinks are as devious as I am. They behave themselves while I'm making small talk, but when I'm trying to impress someone, the ice lets loose, seding an avalanche of pointy, cold death and vodka into my eyes. Yup, that was sexy.
No, I'm not an adult trick-or-treating alone. My kid's the Invisible Man. And you should throw in a regular size candy bar because I did an awesome job on her costume.
If I get called in on my day off because someone's car 'didn't start', work late, then see them at the bar, is it fair to dismantle their engine in the parking lot? I'm validating their absence, and they can't tell on me without screwing themselves.
Ladies, I cannot fathom how you think shaving that damn lip hair in the privacy of your own home can be any more embarrassing than coating it in 5 layers of makeup and going out in public looking like a walrus.
Every time I see guys with chest hair and a gold chain, I want to twist that hideous chain into his chest hair and rip it out. I'm doing you a favor, dude.
Dear drunk people,
'I'm so drunk' does not grant our forgiveness for what you are about to do. It just lets us know that even you know what you plan on doing is trashy, and you'll guilt us if we don't, doubling our hatred for you.
I have listened to some of the conversations bartenders have, and I am thoroughly convinced that they should get paid counselor's wages.
Hot girl, I don't care how yummy you smell, how sexy your clothes are or how pretty your face is. If I go home with you and your bathroom is filthy, you're freaking disgusting.
When people insult Britney, the Jonas Brothers, Lady Gaga, Kanye, etc, whether I know them or not, I always ask, 'Then why do you have their albums on your iPod?' The startled, guilty looks on their faces says it all.
Thank you, Tall Person, for enlightening me! In all my years of living, I had never realized that I am short until you, the Wise and Clever, deemed it imperative to point out in front of your friends. I am forever indebted to you.
My friends tried to convince me to become a vegetarian. I showed them my bunny. She's vegetarian, short legs, poops balls every five minutes, shaped like a barrel and has back hair. I think I won.
I was both irritated and thrilled that when I spilled almond oil on my shirt, I got more 'oohs' and 'ahhs' than when I wear my $60 perfume.
Dang, I wish I could look like my profile picture every day.
Liquor must be made of breast milk. There's not much else people would willingly drink knowing it would make them throw up so much.
Thanks, fire alarm. You let me know that my heart works, that my roommate used too much hairspray, and that I apparently have a weak bladder.
Your kid can pick on my kid for being the youngest and singing School House Rock songs at her desk. Just like my kid will pick on your kid when she's their younger boss and they're singing the blues at their desks.
There are few things worse than walking into the adult store and finding your pastor's wife there.
If my Jackie Chan skills were up to par, no obnoxious drunk girl would be safe.
Strangers, if you lick your thumb and try to wipe the mole off the end of my nose/lip/cheek again, I'll spit in your face. It's the same damn thing, and just as rude.
Why can I unfailingly recite every word to every song that makes me want to put a hot poker in my ear, but my favorite song? It does have lyrics, doesn't it?
Nothing creeps me out more than a therapist who loves telling people they're a therapist. Do you not know what your title says? Is that you legal waiver? I do not want to send my children to your office.
I love being young enough to hang out with my 9 year old. I hate being told to go to class when I visit her elementary school.
If that color looks great on a foreign car, it looks trashy as your eyeshadow.
Grandmothers of previous generations baked cookies, taught life skills and give good advice. Grandmothers of this generation toss something in the microwave and compare stories about sex and drugs.
$35 at the bar? Not bad! $20 for gas? Fuck that.
I didn't realize that possums look like pigs until my daughter came in shrieking that there were a bunch of pigs in my yard and one let her pet it.
Why is it that people who insist on buying old police cars to 'pimp out' get pissed when they have to ride in a real cop car?
How strange, hon! The same coincidence that caused an 'emergency car-club meeting' during our daughter's birthday party also caused my amnesia in the blow-job department!
Getting my first ticket and arrest for stopping traffic on I-5 to help a family of raccoons cross the median didn't sound so noble while explaining it in front of a courtroom full of much more serious offenders.
Oh, Fruity Pebbles, you have manipulated me for the last time. When I open your box, your intoxicating scent makes my mouth water with desire. I just have to have you in my mouth. And yet, once there, your performance disappoints me.
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