Ruminations
Sometimes I wonder if people fake a sneeze just to see who says "god bless you" and who doesn't.
2 
You're a dude, the word "cute" should not be in your vocabulary...ever.
If you tell me that you have a degree in psychology, I will take that to mean that you can read my mind.
Not having cable has turned into the kind of asshole that I've always hated. I've become that guy that announces that I don't watch TV whenever the subject is brought up.
There's only so many times you can blame your phone before you have to admit that you just never checked the thing.
I hate it when somebody asks me "so what do you like to do in your free time?" Do? Like? Free time? I don't understand the question.
Just because I grew up around here doesn't mean I'm familiar with every highway, street, and alley within a hundred mile radius of this place.
Any time someone starts a question with "hey you're a guy, right?" You know that the next words out of their mouth are either going to be incredibly awkward, or incredibly stupid.
I tell people I don't like to make plans too far in advance because it makes me look wild and spontaneous, but really what it means is that 87% of the time I am not doing shit.
I hate mosquitoes just as much as the next guy, but I love the fact that their presence allows me to slap anyone, at any time, for no reason at all.
I didn't black out last night. In fact, I remember every embarrassing detail. I just think it would be better if we pretend it never happened.
You know you grew up in a small house when you move out and your parents turn your room into a closet.
I'm getting freaked out signing a one year lease. How do you ever expect me to own a home?
I know two different people who have celebrated the completion of their court mandated AA by going out drinking, driving home, and subsequently getting arrested. I think it's time for some new friends.
I almost caused an accident yesterday because a girl on the sidewalk bent over to get something out of her purse. I hope she's proud of herself.
I know poker night is supposed to be the ultimate guys night thing to do. But if I'm going to get drunk while playing a card game I'm not very good at, can we play asshole instead?
I think a better question would be "who would you do for a klondike bar?"
Before you use the word legit in a sentence, ask yourself this one question: "Am I MC Hammer?" If the answer is no, think of another word.
Don't you hate it when you unintentionally say something nice?
I've come to accept the fact that even the nicest descriptions of me will include the words "weird" "strange" or "creepy."
Whenever I hear someone with an insanely complicated coffee order, I'm forced to wonder: how much trial and error did they have to go through before they settled on half french vanilla half decaf kona blend, extra light, with four splendas?
One time I made the mistake of wearing a leather jacket in Whole Foods. You would think that a bunch of skinny vegans would be too weak to kick my ass, and you would be right, but I give them an A for effort.
There is nothing worse than that split second after you realize you just said something incredibly stupid.
Musical talent doesn't always translate into something that I'm going to enjoy listening to.
I'm only paying attention to whatever game is on TV so that I don't have to talk to the people next to me in the bar.
There comes a point in a day when not doing anything turns into more of an accomplishment than a lack thereof.
Never underestimate the effect that three drinks will have on a completely empty stomach.
It doesn't matter if I've been there or not. I'm 100% convinced that where I'm from is better than wherever you're from.
Why do people act like it's such a big deal to do something by yourself. I don't see why I should have to suffer just because no one else wanted to go to the strip club with me.
I'm always amazed when I see someone reading and walking at the same time. Not only have they found a book so interesting that they can't put it down, but they posses the coordination to walk through a busy street while engrossed in said book.
You tell me those boobs are fake. I say I can see, touch, taste, and smell them. What's so fake about that?
Whenever I tell someone I woke up early, I have to add the disclaimer "I woke up early...for me."
I would rather walk five miles than pay for parking.
Free beer is better than no beer. Unless of course, that free beer is bud light lime.
Unless you were alive in the sixties, you are not a hippie. Take a damn shower.
Being on probation in Rhode Island just might be the worst punishment in the world.
I saw a PSA one time that said "are your kids making friends, or drinking buddies?" I fail to see the difference.
I could know more about the subject than anyone else in the room, but put me on the spot, and the only answer you will be getting is "um, uh, I don't know."
The only thing worse than getting hopelessly lost is finding out how close you actually were the whole time.
I've come to the conclusion that 90% of my job is just knowing the right vocabulary.
Once I've made up my mind about someone, I very rarely change my mind about them. You might call me stubborn, I say I'm an excellent judge of character.
Nothing motivates me to exercise at home like spending twenty minutes at the gym.
Who are these people that look at pictures all day looking for nipple slips? And how do I get that job?
Trying to remember an old password is like trying to go back in time and read my own mind.
I would sell out in a second if someone offered me the money.
When you list your favorite books, and they have all been made into movies recently, I'm going to go ahead and assume that you never actually read any of them.
Some men simply aren't worthy of the facial hair they possess.
Nothing brightens up my day quite like seeing a skateboarder fall down.
Someday I will learn the difference between "she's totally into me" and "she's being polite to me."
I'm pretty sure that not only does my GPS not know where it's going, it doesn't even know what city I live in.
You know you're wasted when you spend ten minutes trying to unlock your front door with your car's remote.
Typing out rap lyrics with proper spelling and grammar looks ridiculous.
Thank god the torn, faded jean look is in again. It's saved me from buying new pants for at least another six months.
When someone recommends a movie to me, instead of asking what it is about, or who's in it, I ask one simple question: Is it better than RoboCop? If the answer is no, I will not be seeing that movie any time soon.
The phrase "you have nothing to lose but your pride" has lost all meaning to me.
The other day my boss warned me that if I went to work somewhere else I'd have to work under an egotistical asshole. Don't worry buddy, I've got lots of experience in that area. Lots.
I very rarely donate to charities (I'm poor, don't judge me.) But as soon as they turn it into a game where I could possibly win a free taco out of the deal, you bet your ass I will be donating $20 to homeless amputee orphans with aids.
It is a very unsatisfying feeling when someone is too dense to realize that I'm being an asshole to them.
It's not that I can't afford to pay my student loans, it's just that I can think of a hundred things I'd rather be doing with that money than paying for a degree that I didn't even get.
There's really no way to say "I don't want to go running with you" without sounding like a lazy slob.
It's funny to see how people dress on the first warm days of the year. Some go all out and wear shorts and tank tops, others still wear sweatshirts. As for me? I will be rocking the leather jacket year-round.
I hope I never turn into one of those guys that thinks it's cute to bring his kids to work with him.
If you're having trouble convincing a guy to do something, anything, call him a pussy. Nine times out of ten, he'll agree to it right away.
Pomegranate wheat, raspberry ale, blueberry blonde...can I have a beer flavored beer?
It doesn't matter why you watch the terrible, train-wreck of a TV show, the fact is you're watching it, and that makes you part of the problem.
Does anyone else get unreasonably mad when that little screen on the gas pump says "we appreciate you business"?
Being the only guy in an apartment full of girls pretty much guarantees one thing: Taking out the trash will always be my job.
Will breast cancer fundraisers please refrain from using the following words: boobs, tits, ta-tas, second base, hooters, and funbags. I'm tired of being turned on by cancer.
So how soon after moving in and meeting the new roommates can I drop this charade of being clean and polite, and revert back to being a creepy slob?
When did walking go from the easiest form of transportation to the laziest form of exercise?
I don't know why everyone dreads getting old. Personally I can't wait to be a crazy old man, sitting on my front porch, drinking bourbon out of a mason jar and yelling at the damn kids to get off my lawn.
You say "not everyone gets my sense of humor." I hear "I'm not funny, but like to think I am."
Hi there, cashier, let's cut the bullshit, shall we? I'm fine. Yes, I found everything I was looking for. Debit. No I do not want to open a store credit card. Keep the damn survey, we both know I won't be filling that out. Have a nice day.
If I ever run a marathon, I'm going to imagine that everyone behind me is chasing me with a chainsaw.
Whenever I'm with a large group of people, I like to casually drop into the conversation that the world record for naked people on a roller coaster is 32...just to see if there are any takers.
There is something about reaching into the inside pocket of my coat that makes me feel like a total badass every time I do it.
I wonder if my upstairs neighbors hate me as much as I hate them.
There's an old saying "I like my coffee like I like my women." Well, I drink 10-12 cups a day, and generally don't care what it is as long as it has caffeine. What does that say about me?
I locked myself out of my apartment the other day, and because I live on the first floor I was able to easily climb through a window to get in. Note to self: never forget my keys, and lock the fucking windows.
With all of these new "just for men" body washes, shampoos and conditioners, I wish they would tell us what every guy really wants to know: Which one is best for beating off in the shower?
If all you ever do is complain about your bad dating experiences, don't get offended when I suggest that the problem isn't that all men on the entire planet suck. It is more likely that the problem is you.
Bad nicknames are like STD's. Once some asshole gives it to you, you're stuck with it for life, whether you like it or not.
I love it when I'm able to carry on a full conversation with someone who speaks two words of english.
I hate the fact that fire codes and overzealous security guards have have all but done away with the time honored tradition of holding up my lighter during the guitar solo.
I think I get more offended by a parental warning before my show than I do by the "offensive" language that follows it.
I like wearing alumni shirts of colleges that I didn't go to. It makes me feel important, rich, and smart all at the same time.
Nothing will ever erase the mental image you get from finding the book of Karma Sutra in an ugly person's house.
I'm afraid that someday I'm actually going to win a huge prize, but because they notified me through e-mail, I'll delete it along with the other fifty messages that say YOU'RE A WINNER!
Instead of paying rent this month, I'm letting my landlord get a running start and kick me in the nads.
I'm both amazed and disturbed at what I am able to do simultaneously while driving.
Yesterday I realized that I'm turning into a hybrid of my dad and my boss. Great, now I hate myself even more.
The biggest mistake someone can make is tell me that something annoys them.
You're a bouncer at a crappy bar, not working for the secret service. Take it easy chief.
You could have a Ph.D. in rocket science, but with with that accent, you sound like an idiot.
I have two female roommates, and I love that fact that any weird behavior can be explained with "what? I'm a dude."
Last night I was playing a video game, and as I was in the middle of killing some innocent people, I got a raging hard on. I don't know what this says about me, but it can't be anything good.
Oh sure, I swirl the glass. I swish it around in my mouth, and I pretend like I'm concentrating real hard while I'm drinking it. But the truth is I know almost nothing about wine, and I'd much rather be drinking that case of High Life in the fridge.
Sometimes the only thing keeping me from quitting my job is the fact that sending out resumes and going on interviews is a huge pain in the ass.
I am so sick of everyone and everything "going green." Can we all just agree that recycling is good and move on to another cause? I hear that whales are still endangered.
Why do dog owners always think its acceptable to bring their dogs everywhere? You wouldn't try to pull that shit if you had a pet iguana, would you? Don't answer that.
How does someone get this far in life without knowing how to do laundry?
I hate it when people use the term "just sayin" as their own personal get out of jail free card. "Hey, you're a fat piece of shit and I hope you die...just sayin"
I've lived with my roommate for almost four months now, and I have never seen her eat. Not even so much as a dirty dish. Is that just a little strange?
Yesterday someone told me that he doesn't like bacon...I don't get it.
My parent's house is like a black hole where time stands still. I could go there tomorrow or ten years from now, and my mom would be talking to the cats, and my dad would be watching the same show about World War II on the history channel.
I saw an ad for something called boobapalaooza today. Imagine my disappointment when I realized that it was a fundraiser for breast cancer awareness.
I've come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a shopping cart with four good wheels.
Just because I have a bunch of tattoos does not mean I am remotely interested in seeing yours, or hearing about the ones that you plan to get.
Once you've established yourself as the weird guy at work, you can get away with doing just about anything.
You can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to eat when they're wasted.
After I take over the world, the first thing I'm going to do is create three separate highways. One for big trucks, one for drivers over 65, and the last one will be for anyone who needs to get somewhere in this lifetime.
There is something inherently wrong about the fact that my friend, who never partied or had any fun in college is now having more sex than me because he married the first girl he kissed.
Don't tell me about your nipple piercings unless the next words out of your mouth are "wanna see them?"
There are two types of people in this world: Those that see a doctor every time they sneeze, and those who could have stage four cancer and three broken limbs, and they would still say "I'm fine, maybe I'll take an aspirin if it gets worse."
The worst part about getting old is that you no longer have a cool story to go along with your injuries.
I feel like I'm wasting my rent money if I don't spend every minute I can inside my apartment.
You never realize how weird your family is until you start to describe them to someone else.
If you get eliminated first from a reality show, it isn't because the judges just didn't understand your style. Odds are, you got eliminated because you sucked.
I'm not fluent in any language, but I can say motherfucker in 7 languages. I'm very proud of that fact.
There is an abandoned mental hospital near my house that just got converted into luxury condos. You couldn't pay me enough money to live there. I watch horror movies, and it will only end badly.
Underwear, booze, and toilet paper are the three things in life where buying the cheaper brand doesn't pay off in the long run.
Why do guys always act so offended and pissed when you tell them they have a hot sister? I have two hot sisters and have been painfully aware of this fact ever since I hit puberty.
How does an undeclared major decide where to go to college? I would imagine that it involves a dart board, or an intense game of eeny meeny miney moe.
On the rare occasions that I actually have cash in my wallet, I feel like I have to spend it fast, or else it will go bad.
I have never felt excitement turn to regret faster than the last time I ate at Burger King.
I saw a red-headed asian yesterday. Man, that would be like fucking two birds with one stone.
After you've made the decision to move, the tiniest annoyance that your roommate does suddenly becomes the most intolerable dick move.
On any given day, a good 60% of my actions are done just to fuck with people.
You shouldn't have to pay student loans if you get kicked out of college.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but Office Space is about a guy that hates his job. Why then, do I keep running into people who think that working in a cubicle will be cool because "it will be just like Office Space!"
As much as I hate talking to people, and leaving my house, buying stuff online will never replace the instant gratification I get from buying it in the store.
Last call is at 1, not 12:57. I know my rights.
What did I drink last night? 6 Jack & Cokes, 2 beers, a few shots, and I finished your scorpion bowl...Why the fuck wasn't I drunk?
With Craigslist, I guess you get what you pay for.
I was at the bar last night and managed to spill my drink all over myself...my first drink. Two drinks later and I could have passed it off as being wasted, but now everyone knows I'm just an idiot who can't remember where my mouth is.
I don't always drink beer, but when I do, it sure as hell isn't that sorry excuse for Mexican piss water called Dos Equis.
If your default pic on Facebook is of two or more people, I'm going to assume you're the ugly one, but I really want you to be the hot one.
I hate having my picture taken, and will even go out of my way to avoid it, but every time one of my friends posts an album on facebook, I get upset that the only picture of me is a partial of the back of my head.
I know that I'm supposed to feel safe that my money is in a secure site, but after the fourth page of security questions, passwords, and interpreting squiggly lines, all it does is piss me off.
Honestly, when was the last time that you didn't drink just to get drunk?
Come on man, do you really think facebook is the appropriate venue to tell me that god loves me? Go put on your signboard and hand out pamphlets with the rest of the crazies.
I was talking to a friend the other day, and something just seemed off between the two of us, and I didn't know what it was. Then I realized, this is the first sober conversation we've had in over a year.
Drinking alone is like masturbation: Everyone does it, not everyone admits to doing it, and some people have no shame in saying that they do it every day.
I saw an old guy (like in his 70's) with a blue mohawk today. Pretty much made my day.
All of the ads for apartments that I see like to point out that the neighborhood is very quiet, and that the other tenants rarely drink or party. Clearly I am looking in the wrong place.
Remember the six degrees of Kevin Bacon? Now its the two degrees of reality TV. Everybody knows someone, or knows someone who knows someone that has been on a reality show.
Do you ever wonder if construction crews put up a bunch of cones and orange barrels in the middle of the road with no intention of fixing anything, just to fuck with us?
Not gonna lie, I'm a little jealous that my sisters get to change their names to something that no one could ever mispronounce while I'm stuck correcting people for the rest of my life.
The funny noises on the train don't scare me, what scares me is when those noises stop and there is complete silence for a few seconds. Am I going to die now?
Given how I drive every day, I'm amazed that I'm still alive.
The line "I need another drink" has bailed me out of so many awkward situations. Thanks alcohol.
"Hey great to see you we should hang out sometime" "Do I want to what? Go camping with you? "umm, no, have a nice life."
When I go out, I'm either the best tipper, or the worst tipper. I don't know, I can't do math.
I hate it when my computer freezes on a potentially embarrassing website. There's a perfectly good explanation for why I was at oprah.com, I swear.
It's a great feeling when I hear someone complain about something pop-culture related and I have no idea what they're talking about. Who the fuck is Ed Hardy and why does everyone hate him?
You know you've been single for too long when you associate a box of kleenex with jerking off, rather than blowing your nose.
I think it's great that companies are suggesting that I "go green" by paying on-line, but when they send me two letters of confirmation, and another one thanking me for "going green," I think they missed the point.
If the internet has taught me anything its that the US is the only country where women actually prefer to wear clothes.
They can show cleavage on TV. They can show sideboob, and they can show my personal favorite, the underboob. What is it about nipples that people find so offensive?
They say coffee stunts your growth. I'm 6'3" and have been drinking coffee since I was nine. Just think about how tall I could have been.
Yesterday I saw a guy wearing a shirt that said "Boston is wicked pissah." I have never wanted to kick a stranger's ass more in my entire life.
When looking for apartments on craigslist, I'm not sure which picture is less helpful. An empty room with white walls, or a messy room with someone elses shit strewn all over the room.
Dude, I need to have someone keep track of how many times I say "dude" in one day, because I bet its in the hundreds.
I was flipping through radio stations today and found one that called themselves "adult contemporary." If being an adult means I have to listen to that crap then I don't want to grow up.
I get some kind of sick pleasure when couples on facebook get bad scores on their quizzes about each other, and then try to defend themselves by saying that it was full of trick questions.
I don't know how, or why, or when this Life After People show started, but it needs to go away. Its creeping me out.
I feel like I'm obligated to like any movie that is set in Boston, just because I recognize a few landmarks, or because they name-drop a few towns. It could be the worst movie in the world, but because they mention Revere, and my buddy Johnny's friend Sully lives in Revere, I like it.
Why would anyone over the age of 18 read maxim?
People keep telling me that after I graduate I have to deal with the "real" world. I've been working two jobs while putting myself through school, and living on my own for a portion of that time. I'm pretty sure that I'm already there.
The sooner my doctor realizes that he's nothing but a walking prescription pad, the happier we'll both be.
We get it dude, you like Family Guy. We know you've seen every episode three times, and you think Peter Griffin is the prophet of our generation, but for fucking christ's sake, think of something original to say instead of quoting the show all the damn time.
If you don't eat red meat, but eat fish and occasionally eat chicken, you're not a vegetarian, you're an idiot.
I wish the money I spend on alcohol could be automatically taken out of my paycheck, just like social security and federal taxes. It would be even cooler if I got that money back at the end of the year.
I think all the guys that say they can't grow a beard should trade faces with the guys that need to shave twice a day in order to not look like a cave man.
The best part of waking up is...nothing. Waking up sucks. Screw you, Folgers.
I'm not usually an organized person, but give me a sharpie, and everything I own is labeled, dated, and has a dick drawn on it.
Facebook news feed serves to remind me just how boring some of my friends really are.
The nerdy things that I'm into are ok, maybe even a little cool. The nerdy things that you're into are inexcusable, and open to any kind of insult I can throw your way. I'm looking at you, twilight fans.
Sometimes I wish I had an english accent. That way I could call people wankers without sounding like such a...well, wanker.
Even if I don't plan on doing anything outside, it still makes me feel better to know that its warm out there.
Every time I get on the T, there is a moment of sheer terror before the conductor announces where the next stop is. I need to be reassured that I'm going in the right direction.
One of my goals in life is to become successful enough that people will call me eccentric, instead of fucking crazy, like they do now.
I have never met a normal, well adjusted restaurant employee...I'm not even sure such a thing exists.
Don't call it beantown. Don't ever call it beantown.
If I ever get so old that I use a grocery cart as a walker while I meander around the store looking for prunes and depends, I want you to take me out back and shoot me. I even put it in writing right here.
Coinstar gives you the option to donate your change. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that anyone using a coinstar isn't in a position to be donating anything.
I refuse to wear a jacket of any kind after the first warm day of the year. Thirty degrees with a chance of snow? Don't care, it was sixty and sunny last week.
I have come to a critical point in my life. Do I shave the week's worth of stubble, or make it official and call it a beard?
Listen, internet ads, I'm trying to watch porn. Do you really think I give a fuck about my credit score right now? Move along.
Catnip is a mild hallucinogen. It calms him down, makes him act funny, then he eats and goes to sleep. Why is it illegal for me to do the same thing?
I think everyone has one or two things that they hate so much that they're convinced that anyone who likes them is just lying to themselves, and they hate it too.
I know what it is, but bangers and mash still sounds perverted.
Really facebook? That's your big change? All these months of hype and that's the best you can do? I thought you were better than that.
What the hell, tylenol? I took you thirty seconds ago, why am I still sick?
If you know me and you still get offended by something I say or do, then I refuse to apologize. You should know better.
I wonder what would happen if I ran my business like a bank. I know you ordered your food at 9 pm on Saturday, while we were "open" but our business hours are 9-5, Monday-Friday, so you can expect to recieve that calamari and paella around noon on Tuesday. Have a nice day.
Just in case you were wondering, "I didn't know she was pregnant, I thought she was just fat" is not the appropriate thing to say...ever.
If I'm at at bar and I say something along the lines of "I apologize for my friends, they can be a bunch of assholes sometimes," there is a 96% chance that I'm trying to get into your pants.
Listen dude, you're a nice guy, and its nothing personal, but I can't fucking stand your girlfriend.
There are two types of people in this world: People who watch movies to be entertained, and people who try to predict the endings, then spend the rest of their life saying things like "I called it! Didn't I say that? I totally said that! Hey remember when we saw that movie? What did I say? I'm so smart." I hate those people.
It is a scientific fact that everyone loves Bon Jovi when they are drunk, so stop acting like you hate the song and sing along, because I know you know the words.
Don't flatter yourself, lady. I'm walking behind you in the parking lot because I parked next to you. Walking at olympic racewalk speed while frantically searching for your keys and glancing over your shoulder only makes you look paranoid.
Sometimes my brain works faster than my mouth. What I meant to say was "I don't give a shit," but I started to say "I don't care," and ended up saying "I don't shit."
"This pill, when taken with diet and exercise can help you lose weight." I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that it's the diet and exercise that make you lose weight, not the pill.
I just received an e-mail from a teacher that was signed "your welcome." I hope her students can get their money back.
How cool would it be if I could walk into a bar with one ball hanging out of my fly and have girls crowding around me to buy me drinks?
I think I'd be more receptive to twitter if it didn't have such a fruity name.
I'm tempted to take this girl I know to see He's Just Not That Into You. Maybe then she'll take the hint.
I spend the majority of my day thinking of ridiculous things I would do if I won the lottery.
Whenever I say that I hated a movie, everyone's response is "you only watched it once, you need to watch it again!" I only stuck my finger in an electrical socket once, and I didn't like that either. Odds are I'm going to hate it just as much the second time around.
No, girl at the bar, that song is not about you. And if you play Crazy Bitch one more time, I am putting I Drink Alone on repeat and spending the next hour screaming at you that this song is about me.
I need to keep better track of when school vacation week is, so I know when not to leave the house.
I always have to laugh when I hear a parent talk about how their teenager is a good kid, who doesn't drink or do drugs. Because my parents said the same thing about me when I was that age.
Weather, why must you taunt me like this? All week long it has been warm and sunny, and now, the first day when I'm not stuck inside for fourteen hours a day you decide to go back to being cold and windy. Its almost as if you know my schedule, and change at will just to fuck with me. I hate New England.
There are times when I am very aware that someone is staring at my ass, and I love it.
Bullshit, Nyquil. I am anything but refreshed and ready to face my day after taking you.
I have a four second window to use the hot water before it goes from ice cold to scalding hot.
Living with my parents wouldn't be so bad if I had an apartment over the garage like Mike Seaver. Unfortunately that is not the case, we don't even have a garage.
Good for you, Firefox. You blocked another pop-up. However, next time you do that, could you not announce that you did so in a pop-up? Its a little annoying.
It's a little depressing when I look at my W2's. Sure they say that I made X amount of money this year, but I only have $30 to my name, and this is a good week. Where did all the money go? Wait, don't answer that. I already know the answer.
Think about it: if Biggie Smalls were still alive, we would have no idea who Sean P. Puff Diddy Combs is.
I have never seen two girls one cup, one man one jar, or two girls, one dude, a donkey and an ice cream cone, and I think my life is better that way.
You don't really know someone until you get drunk with them.
Whenever I fail at my New Year's resolution, I feel like I have to wait until next year to try again.
Hanging out with stoners makes me feel like the smartest man in the world.
My buddy just told me about his plan to treat his girlfriend like shit, causing her to break up with him and relieving him of any actual decision making. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed.
In a way I'm glad that my brother has done every drug on the planet and was even homeless for a stretch. He set the bar exceedingly low, and no matter how bad I fuck up, I still look pretty good compared to him.
I'm from Boston, part Irish, and I don't like Guinness. There, I said it.
I don't need a therapist, I have a bartender.
There are a lot of things that I don't do just because it really annoys me when other people do it. Getting married, or even being in a serious relationship is quickly moving to the top of that list.
No matter how old I get, "I told you so" always seems like an appropriate response.
Yes, I'm a chef. No, my dream job does not involve the Food Network in any way. You have no idea how many times I've had this conversation.
I have no problem being called an asshole, and most days will readily admit to being one. Yesterday, someone called me a douchebag and I stopped what I was doing and seriously evaluated my actions.
Sorry folks, but "you're both single!" really isn't a good enough reason for the two of us to do anything together.
Marley and Me: The dog dies in the end. I just saved you two hours of your life and untold amounts of shock and emotional trauma. You can thank me later.
Every year I say that I'll keep better track of my money, so that I'm not living week to week. However, I start every year with a night of reckless spending that I'd rather not talk about, or think about ever again...let alone enter it into quicken.
One of my co-workers rides a bike, works two jobs, and lives in a crappy apartment with 4 dudes. Yesterday he told me that every five years he meets with a lawyer to turn down his family's money. I just looked at him, dumbfounded. Then I asked in all seriousness if he wanted to trade lives.
The thing that sucks about being paid by the hour is that I question every purchase I make. Every time I spend money, I think about how much I make an hour, then I think about what I do in that hour, then I really question myself to see if what I just bought was worth it.
Drinking during the holidays is tricky. I have to drink enough to make being around my family for a few hours bearable, but I can't show any signs of drunkenness, and I can't appear to enjoy, or be good at drinking.
I don't trust anyone who voluntarily wears a tie.
The Office stopped being interesting when Jim and Pam started dating.
I hate houses that have blue christmas lights. That shit scares me when I drive home from the bar.
Thanks to credit cards, I'm still paying for beers that I drank 5 years ago.
Instead of looking for the shortest line, I look for the register with the hottest cashier.
I hate it when I realize that the bad smell in the room is me.
Sometimes I want to move to New Jersey just so I'll never have to pump my own gas ever again.
It doesn't phase me when someone says that they're 18, but when they say that they were born in 1990, I feel old.
I'm not complaining about the fact that you're wearing a mini-skirt and fishnets, really I'm not. But you made the decision to wear them in the middle of December, when there is snow on the ground; so you shouldn't be complaining either.
Christmas shopping combines two of my least favorite things: malls, and thinking about someone other than myself.
I hate it when someone walks in the room during a sex scene in an otherwise normal movie. I then have to awkwardly explain that I wasn't watching porn.
It's time for M&M's to make a new christmas commercial.
I feel ripped off if I pay to see an R rated movie and don't see at least one set of boobs.
If you cross the street while texting and listening to your ipod, I will run you over and not feel bad about it.
Giving us the silent treatment isn't really punishment, its more like a mini vacation.
Screw the turkey, pass me the motherfucking stuffing.
I think I'm the only twenty-something that isn't hopelessly nostalgic about the nineties.
Until recently, I had never heard about Baader Meinhoff phenomenon, now I hear about it all the time.
Over the summer I paid $4.15 for regular gas, but now I won't pay $2.20 for ultra premium because its too expensive.
You can follow me around the parking lot all you want, I still don't remember where I parked my car.
If I could meet anyone in the world, I would meet the inventor of the pop-up ad. I would first kick him in the junk, and then congratulate him on winning a free iPod.
Its official: wearing a fedora does not make you look cool.
There is an entire generation of kids growing up that will remember Michael Jordan not as a basketball star, but as a spokesman for hanes boxer briefs.
If you're going to use a big word in a conversation, it helps to know the definition and pronunciation.
Just because its cold outside doesn't mean its OK to sing Christmas carols.
Every year I say to myself "next year I'll live somewhere warm, somewhere that doesn't get cold and doesn't snow." And every year, right around now, I have the same thought: "Fuck! I'm still here!"
It doesn't matter how hot you are, as soon as you start talking about your kid(s), I stop being interested.
Nothing quite matches the level of disappointment I feel after I download a song only to find out that it's the clean version.
Sometimes when I'm really tired in the morning, I'll tell people I'm hungover because I had a crazy night. At least then I'll have a valid excuse for being a little slow.
I never want to get married. I'm not afraid of commitment, or anything like that. No, what I dread is the year leading up to the wedding. The planning, the details, the flowers, the catering. Just the thought of putting that much work into something is enough to scare me away.
I just found out that my sister's boyfriend, whom I've known for 4 years, has one ball. I've missed out on so many good jokes.
The next time I'm filling out a job application and it asks if I have any special skills that could help with this job, I'm going to write "I'm tall and can reach things that you can't."
If playing football in high school is the highlight of your life, I just feel sorry for you.
I don't know how to use speakerphone or speed dial on my phone, but somehow, my fingers know just the right buttons to push to use both functions simultaneously.
Sometimes I think I want to have kids, just so I can raise them completely opposite of how my parents raised me.
Anyone who says that 1 million dollars isn't a lot of money these days had better be willing to give me 1 million dollars to prove their point.
"who does that?" "who says that?" I just did, making your question null, void, and just plain stupid.
I wonder if anyone has ever gotten laid as a direct result of using axe body spray.
At least half of the time when I blame mapquest or google maps for getting me lost, its my own dumb fault because I didn't read the directions.
I'd rather be caught beating off than caught playing air guitar.
I hate it when I'm talking to someone who speaks English, but has a really thick accent. I have to either pretend that I didn't hear them the first 3 times, or admit that I have no fucking clue what they just said.
I quit smoking. I've done this a few times, and I can tell you exactly how it will go. Phase 1: I tell everyone I see that I'm quitting, and I tell them exactly how long it's been since I've had a cigarette. Phase 2: Self Righteousness. I begin to refer to myself as an ex-smoker, and get indignant when someone asks me for a lighter. Phase 3: I'll walk by a crowd of smokers and breathe deeply just to get a nicotine fix. Phase 4: fuck it.
Playing Katy Perry on the radio in a dentist's office should be banned by the geneva convention.
It takes skill to put in eyedrops without getting it all over your face. Skill that I clearly do not have.
It's not a good day until at least one co-worker has called me an asshole.
Servings per container: 4. I view that as more as a challenge than a suggestion.
Being a writer for an HBO show must be the easiest job in the world. Let's have 20 minutes of dialogue, and advance the plot ever so slightly, then throw in some gratuitous nudity to fill out the hour. Done.
Has anything good ever come from posting a personal on craigslist?
Next time you're in a job interview, and they ask a question you weren't prepared for, don't say "oh fuck" under your breath. Interviewers tend to frown on that.
People always act like I'm some kind of miracle worker when they find out I can cook. Has the human race regressed so far that making food to feed yourself, so that you don't starve is now considered a rare skill?
I never thought I'd be saying this, but losing weight sucks. I wasn't trying to do it, and I can't afford to keep buying new clothes.
Every time I try to clean, I end up making an even bigger mess. Moral of the story: never clean.
Here's a fun fact: 100% of men do not care about anything you just read in cosmo.
Having an espresso machine is both the best and worst thing for me. Its great because I can have a triple shot cappuccino whenever I want one, and I don't have to wait in line and spend $6. Its bad because now nothing short of an IV drip of caffeine will wake me up.
"Free with suggested donation." I will not be giving you any money, and will be taking full advantage of whatever it is you are giving away.
Whenever I want to say fuck you to someone, but can't for whatever reason, I smile and say "AWESOME." Sometimes I add a thumbs up for added effect. Try it sometime.
Its 2008. Do I seriously have to explain to you how recycling works?
There are a lot of reasons why I love my job. Right now my boss and I are having a mustache competition.
Is there anything more infuriating than being stuck behind a school bus on your way to work?
Graduating from college implies that you are a smart, educated person. However, everyone I know who is currently in college is the biggest fucking idiot on the planet.
I just heard a car described as solo-cup red. Beat that LL Bean.
Another observation from packing: I don't own a single glass that doesn't have the logo of some kind of alcohol on it. Except for my Evil Dead shot glass, which is just badass.
I didn't forget your birthday. I know your birthday is the 13th. I just forgot that today is the 13th.
Even though I was in serious pain, my first thought when the doctor prescribed me vicodin was "score!"
Packing before a move can be depressing. I thought I'd have more to show for myself than three boxes of stuff, a bookcase, and a mattress.
What's worse than living with your parents? Moving back in with them.
If something costs more than two dollars and you pay for it in change, then your life pretty much sucks.
It takes a secure man to put his ipod on shuffle in public.
If you ask me how I am and I say alright, that's code for "I hate my life and don't want to talk about it."
I would be such a laid back, pleasant person if I never had to drive anywhere.
I can't wait until November, when I can go back to not giving a shit about politics again.
I really envy people who don't drink coffee. It must be nice to be able to wake up and be somewhat functional right off the bat. I need at least 2 cups before I even think about doing anything, and I need a refresher every couple of hours or I start to nod off.
How necessary is a college degree? Think about what you do all day, and now ask yourself if there is anything that you are doing that couldn't be covered in a 90 day orientation when you were hired. Instead of going thousands of dollars into debt, why not cut out the middle man and move to a new city, get a crappy job, and spend the rest of the money on beer?
The same people that tell you to never assume anything are the ones that get pissed at you for not using basic reasoning.
I work with a girl that I am not attracted to in the least. She flirts with me non-stop, and turns just about everything I say into an innuendo. Is this what it's like being a chick?
I signed up for a new checking account last week, and the bank gave me checks with batman on them...AWESOME.
I'm so broke that I'm starting to believe the spam that says I've been pre-approved for a loan, or that I've can get a free $500 gift card.
The only reason I've advanced in any job I've ever had is because there is always someone around to make me look better by comparison.
Can we please stop the trend of people leaving the house in their pajamas? If I have to shave and put on clean clothes before I leave the house, everyone else should be just as miserable.
Note to self: a granola bar and a triple espresso for breakfast is a recipe for disaster.
I could die happy if I never heard the words "biological clock" ever again.
If you feel the need to mention that you are "highly educated" in every conversation, chances are, you aren't.
I don't know which is worse: Checking out a chick's ass only to get closer and realize that she's old enough to be my mom, or getting closer and realizing that she's 13. I did both today.
Every time I take a big shit, I weigh myself to see if I really am ten pounds lighter.
If you jog, ride a bike, or do any other form of exercise that occupies the roads that I drive on...I hate you.
I swear to God, I will murder the next person who makes a crack about me not being a morning person.
I passed out in a public place today. That in itself is nothing new for me, but this time I was sober, but really tired. God I'm old.
I was at the DMV today trying to find out how I can get out of paying a ticket, and as the lady was explaining to me what I'd have to do, and where I'd have to go, I started to think "$100 isn't that bad."
I think the DMV does this on purpose.
One of my biggest fears is that I'll crash my car when I'm speeding because I really have to poop.
Dear girl who monitors the self check out lines at Stop&Shop. I think I love you, and I screw up on purpose so that you'll come over and talk to me. And its totally not creepy that you're only 17.
Say what you will about me, but I don't give a shit about baseball until October.
I'm always the last person to pick up on who's dating who, and at first I feel like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner, but then I remember that I don't care.
When did ordering plain hot coffee become unheard of? I don't want a flavor shot, I don't want it iced, and I definitely don't want a macchiato...whatever the hell that is. I just want a large coffee, cream no sugar.
Is there an easy way to pick up your last paycheck after quitting? Sure last week I made a big deal about how much I hate this place, I'm out, fuck you guys. But now I have to come back and say "umm, I believe there's one last check there for me?"
Ladies: Don't give me the sad face when I tell you I'm single unless you're willing to get naked and show me exactly how sorry you are.
I have dozens of DVD's that I never watch because I don't want to commit two hours to watching something, yet I have no problem watching an all day House marathon.
Whenever a guy says that he's germophobic, I question his masculinity.
People who are happy all the time give me the creeps. Its not natural to smile that much. As a result, I end up being twice as mean to them, just to see how much shit they can take before they snap.
Thank god my headlights come on when I unlock my car. Otherwise I'd never remember where I parked my car.
I'm a classically trained chef, and yet I still start fires in the microwave trying to make food for myself.
People who get really into their hometown have always annoyed me. Its ok if you're from Boston, or NYC, or a cool place like that. But if you're from some small town in east bumfuck, stop saying "it must me a Canton thing." and please stop telling me detailed stories involving landmarks that I've never seen. I don't know, nor do I give a flying fuck where Canton is.
I've discovered the best diet in the world. Its called I'm too poor to buy food.
Its not fair that I'm checking my head for bald spots at the same time as I'm checking my face for acne. I thought I'd have a few good years in between.
Will someone please explain to me why, in this day and age where all information can be accessed with the push of a button, a deposit still takes 2 business days to clear?
Why can I never remember what kind of deodorant I use? I use it every day, sometimes twice a day, for around two months. However, when it comes time to replace it, I can never remember the brand, or scent, or even what color the package is. What's worse is that whatever I buy always ends in a giant rash in my armpits.
I was walking to class today, and I let out a silent but deadly. Just as I did that, I turned around to see three hot chicks were walking behind me. I felt almost proud about what I had done. I turned around again and gave them a look that said "oh yeah, that was me. Jealous?"
I love having a boss that's an even bigger alcoholic than me. I'll never get in trouble for coming to work hungover when he stumbles in 20 minutes after me, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, sunglasses, and nursing a gatorade.
You know you drink too much when you abruptly end a conversation after someone says that they don't drink, and you realize that you have nothing in common with them.
Whenever I'm talking to someone I haven't seen in a while, I always have to try really hard to act surprised to hear anything they're telling me, and pretend that I haven't been myspacebook stalking them for the last 8 months.
I realized today that I'm that weird roommate from craigslist. Both of my roommates are relatively normal 9-5ers, light drinkers, and mild mannered people. I get drunk on tuesday afternoons, sleep all day, and have lax standards about personal hygiene. Fuck it, I like this apartment and I'm not leaving.
Sometimes I feel like walking up to a guy when he's hitting on a girl and say "dude, stop. You're embarrassing yourself."
Sometimes I'll make up ridiculous lies about myself just to see who believes them. At different times, and at different places, I've got people to believe that I"m: 5 years younger than I actually am, 10 years older than I actually am, a recovering cokehead, and an ex-con that has served time for manslaughter. This is how I amuse myself at work.
It's funny how people are selective about being health conscious. My roommate works out obsessively, won't eat carbs after 7, but drinks 15 cans of diet coke a day. Meanwhile, after my eighth beer, I'm the one saying "artificial sweeteners are bad for you man."
Let me get this straight. I need a credit card so that I can buy stuff I can't afford, with money I don't have, only to pay for it later at 29% interest. And I need to have a good credit rating so that I can get approved for loans so that I can buy more stuff that I can't afford. Yeah, sign me up for one of those.
Why do I keep buying food at 7-11? That burger is going to taste like shit, I know this before I even buy it, but I keep going back. I probably feel worse in the morning because of all the shit I eat when I'm drunk than because of what I drank.
I work with some truly incompetent people. Its not like they're doing their best, but its just not enough. No, these people just don't give a shit. What bothers me about this is that I can't let myself become one of those people. I wish I could stop caring, stop trying, and do a shitty job all day, but I couldn't live with myself if I did that. So, no matter how much I hate my job, or how much of a closeted homosexual my boss is, I'm still a hard worker...stupid work ethic.
I love the phrase "my bad." Late for work? my bad. Bump into somebody? My bad. Forget to do something at work? My bad. On the other hand, I hate it when I hear other people use the phrase.
Maybe I'm just a heartless bastard, but I don't get that broken up when a famous person dies. I never knew the guy, and the closest I ever came to meeting him was his movies/tv/recordings/etc, and those are still around.
Is it just me, or has tipping got a little out of hand? Sure I still tip waitresses and bartenders...and strippers, but that's where I draw the line. I was in dunkin' donuts today and there was a cup on the counter that said "tips for exceptional service." Are you fucking kidding me?
At what point do you stop saying only in front of your age? Someone at work today asked me if I had any kids, and my reaction was "kids? I'm only 24!" Then I thought about it, and when my dad was only 24, he was married, had two kids, and bought a house. I'm 24, and I just moved out of that house.
The more I read on this site, the happier I am that I don't work in an office job. I honestly don't know how you people do it, day in day out without blowing your and/or everyone else's brains out. My hat's off to you.
Did I miss a memo that said red lights are optional? I was stopped at a red light today, and the guy behind me was leaning on his horn and screaming out his window the entire time. Last time I checked, red means stop.
What's up with the guy that says "what's up?" or "what's going on dude" every time I see him? You know who I'm talking about. What gets me is that he actually expects a real answer every time. Sorry man, there haven't been any significant changes in my life in the last twelve minutes.
If it wasn't for facebook, I wouldn't know any of my friends' last names.
Is there an acceptable amount of time to wait before eating your roommate's food? I say three months for non-perishables, and two weeks for anything in the fridge. I'm broke, hungry, and he hasn't touched those pop-tarts since I moved in. I'm going in.
Banks should change the name of "insufficient funds fee" to "kicking you when you're down" fee. It was bad enough when I had -$20 in my account. Then they had to charge me $120 for not having enough money. I'll never understand that logic: you don't have any money, so we're charging you even more money.
I love Mexican food, because it looks pretty much the same going in as it does going out, but it tastes good enough for me to overlook that fact and still eat it on a regular basis.
I don't get why everyone is so nostalgic about high school and childhood. When I was younger, I couldn't wait to grow up and get past whatever stage of life I was at. Now that I'm older, all everyone my age wants to do is look back and reminisce about the past. Fuck me.
Is it wrong that one of the deciding factors when I was looking for a new job was its proximity to my favorite bar? I wanted to work somewhere that I could easily stop in and have a few (dozen) drinks after work without going out of my way. Changing jobs is one thing, but changing bars? I'm a regular, I can't just leave.
Sometimes I think my parents forget that I didn't grow up in the same town as them, at the same time as them. Especially when they give directions. "Go down past the old farm, and take a left at my friend cathy's house, go past the house that I lived in for the first 13 months of my life, and take another left at the Datsun dealership."
All night long my cat jumps on top of me, trying to wake me up, but when I actually need to wake up, he's fast asleep. Listen buddy, if you're going to wake me up, make yourself useful and do it around 8:30...not 3 AM.
There is nothing in the world that makes me feel as dumb or as socially awkward as when I don't recognize a movie quote from a movie that I've seen. What usually happens is the person will say a line, I'll give a blank stare, they'll say it again...nothing. Then I have to explain that while I have seen The Big Lebowski, I haven't committed the entire script to memory.
I get a little freaked out when I hear about people my age growing up and getting adult jobs. What do you mean that the guy I used to buy weed from is now a DA?
Sometimes I wish that I could stop drinking, quit smoking, eat healthy, and wake up an hour before I have to so I can exercise. Then I remember that I like drinking and smoking, and people who exercise and eat healthy have always annoyed me.
There's an intersection near my house where two lanes merge into one after the light. There's always one asshole that changes lanes four times, then cuts me off all in a span of 100 yards. What is this person trying to accomplish?
I haven't been in school for a few years, but I still feel the need to go back to school shopping. Every year, around the middle of August I feel like I have to go out and buy new clothes, and maybe new shoes too.
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