Ruminations
Sometimes tracking a package in shipping is as much fun as actually getting the package.
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Is it news to anyone else that those sweatpants with writing the whole way down the leg are apparently not just for girls?
Stop insisting that I fill out a space for "Home Phone" on every form. I just write my cell number twice when you do that.
In preparing for a final, the time spent calculating the minimum grade you need to pass the class is every bit as valuable, if not more so, than actually studying.
A few months ago I decided I wanted to read a book. I then had the great idea that it would be nice if there was a service like Netflix or even Blockbuster where I could borrow the book and return it when I was done. That's right, I had forgotten about the existence of libraries. I immediately went to Netflix to see if it had been made in to a movie.
My internet history is a testament to my efficiency when I work from home. I'm still maintaining the illusion that masturbation and college football stats are the two keys to my efforts.
Just because there is steam coming off of my food and I just watched it come out of a 450 degree oven doesn't mean I'm going to do anything more than blow on it once before putting it into my mouth.
The idea of combining bad food and entertainment to appeal to our most basic instincts covers all age groups. As a kid you get to scarf down nuggets and burgers and where the BK crown or play in Mickey D's ball pits. When you're an adult you get bad wings at strip clubs and you can still where the crown. The only difference is if things go right you aren't the one playing with the balls.
Let's be honest, the first sober encounter after meeting someone while drunk is awkward for both people. You're both just hoping the other doesn't remember the off color joke or the secret admission that you actually kind of like "Mambo #5". I wish someone would moderate a sort of Blackout Truce- "OK, you forget that I spilled that drink on you and we'll both drop the act that we actually remember the other's name"
If I designed apartment buildings, I would make each floor look ridiculously different just to blow people's minds. I know that after months of never visiting any floor except mine and the one my friend lives on, I maintain the hope that all the others have crazy paint schemes except for that little patch I can see from inside the elevator.
Where do cab drivers get the money they give back as change? I know I'm giving them decent bills whenever I pay, but I always get back a $2 bill, a $5 with no corners left, and 2 Sacagawea dollars. Thanks, no store will ever take any of those. I'd have a better chance of getting something usable if Uncle Moneybags from monopoly was giving me change.
I never think about toilet paper, not even passing it in the grocery store. The only time it even crosses my mind is that monthly moment where I am sitting there, holding the empty cardboard tube in my hand, and wondering how my life has gotten to that point. Despite all my drinking and other bad habits, this moment is my rock bottom.
Given the appropriate time of day, coffee and beer are perfectly adequate substitutes for solid food.
Why does Jello taste better as juice than as actual Jello? Answer me that, Bill Cosby.
If you're job is to stand up in front of others and command respect while presenting a topic to them, it's your own damn fault if your ridiculous style choices make me giggle and not listen to a word you say. Just a hint, 2 sideburns is usually better than just 1.
There is little more embarrassing or stupid looking that getting a hair cut only to realize that you've waited so long to do so that you now have a Hair Tan Line. That's right, a little line of paler skin that follows your hairline from one ear, across your forehead, and down to the other ear.
People who live in apartments should be banned from teaching themselves a new instrument. I'm looking at you and your damn piano, guy in 1302.
Nothing makes me feel stupider than trying to read a URL with multiple words and figure out on my own where the spaces should be.
Sex in 'cool' places, such as hammocks, beach, shower, and elevator, always turns out to be a bust (pun intended). Usually, to get a girl willing to have sex in one of these locales one or both of us are way to drunk for the required level of acrobatics and I usually end up falling and busting my ass.
The fastest way to lose the respect of those around you is to wear a hawaiian shirt.
I think they should redesign the food pyramid again and put peanut butter alone at the top-- because it is the king of all foods and is too great to be forced to share a 'group' with lowlier foods.
Sometimes when I'm just messing around and wasting time I'll be browsing one of the usual sites I read, get bored of it, open a new tab and go to the SAME SITE. I'm usually confused for a few seconds before I put together what I've done. That is when I feel my absolute dumbest.
According to many resources on healthy diets, one should look at the proper ratio of carbs to proteins to fats rich in vitamins and minerals in preparing every meal. My main consideration is how to use the least number of dishes and utensils in preparation that I will have to wash later.
Sometimes when I order Coke in a restaurant and the waiter asks if Pepsi is OK, I like to say no and order something out of left field. "Pepsi? Mm, no thanks, I'll take a glass of milk/lemonade/bloody mary." I feel like it validates the waiter's effort to ask the question.
I should be forced to stop mixing drinks for myself after I've already had two. I turn into a swaying, slurring MacGyver. This is how I learned that southern comfort and Kool Aid tastes exactly like robitussin. "Well, I have tequila, a can of warm sprite remix, and 4 packets of Crystal Light blueberry iced tea..."
I'm so out of clean clothes that all I have left is mesh shorts. One pair as underwear and one pair as shorts over top.
I'm on a first name basis with all the doormen who work in my building, but I could not recognize or name anyones that work between midnight and 8 am. I'm sure, however, that they recognize my drunken ass stumbling up the walk a couple night per week.
Facebook friend finder should be renamed "Facebook People-I-Know-But-Don't-Like Finder"
My local Chipotle gives free drinks to high school kids with their school IDs. My greatest fear in life is the day the guy at the register calls me out for still trying to pass off my '03-'04 high school ID.
I wish my Firefox spellchecker or something in gmail would check and make sure I'm responding to emails with the correct level of professionalism. I feel like that email I just sent to the person in charge of reimbursements and receipts shouldn't have started with "hey wahts going on"
I moved into an apartment with this guy a few months ago and am convinced my rent is funding excessive, unnecessary habits. We have recently gotten a maid to clean our tiny apartment 2x per week. He also bought a 42" plasma TV, but we don't have cable TV. Something is wrong here.
Roving around the NBC website I noticed that fictional characters on TV shows have blogs. I don't read my actual friends' blogs, why on earth would I want to read about the stuff a character fictitiously does that apparently isn't interesting enough to make it into the show itself? I guess the only benefit would be that I'll never have to lie to them about having read their stupid blog.
Which is the worse feeling- waking up tired, crappy and hungover/still drunk and on time for work/class or waking up an hour late but a bit less drunk or hungover? Right now my burp taste like scotch and I'm wondering about the latter.
Beer commercials are a giant waste of money. No number of silly characters or catch phrases will convince hordes of young red-blooded americans to swing the extra $3/case for that Bud Light over Natty or Keystone. Cut the advertising department and take the savings there to the shelves: slash prices and outsell the others with marginally less crappy beer.
Since I've left the nest a few years ago, my father has come along nicely on his own with technology. He's learned to text, and do so responsibly, set and check his voicemail, manage emails, purchase things online, and even set the out of office reply when he travels. Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to change it. Now every time he goes anywhere for any amount of time I am informed that "I will be out of the office from January 15 to February 2, 2003". I'm almost proud.
I'm certain that college professors are the former students who really felt like committing themselves to maintaining a wardrobe of no more than 8 items of clothing. A PhD only helps you to evolve from rotating the same three dirty hoodys to the same three earth tone sweaters and twill pants.
I learned today that it startles people to see someone in a sweatshirt with the hood up fiddling with the ATM booth door. Especially the man inside that booth. The line between cold, lazy college student whose card won't swipe and bank robber is much finer than I had previously thought.
Why do some people say that they don't like fish that has a very fishy taste, but still try to pretend they like fish? I believe that if you don't like the taste of fish, that means you don't like fish. Try the chicken, idiot.
So, I've been thinking that my hair is getting a bit shaggy and I could use a haircut. Today someone I haven't seen in a few weeks told me my hair looked really good now (implying that it didn't look good before). Thanks. That backhanded compliment totally threw my perception of myself into doubt and confusion. Do I look good? Do I look like a hobo? I'll never be able to tell.
Why do people ask you if you like something and then immediately tell you they hate it.
Example:
Guy I had just met: Do you like Dr. Pepper?
Me: Yeah, I love it.
Guy: Ugh, I hate Dr. Pepper.
Why would you even say that? Fuck YOU.
I´ve often stopped to wonder what my life would be like without the internet, but I´m yet to reach any conclusions because I keep having to refresh Ruminations every four minutes to see if anything new has been posted.
I´m currently living in a foreign country (Santiago, Chile for those keeping score) and can't find Tylenol PM, which is my go-to-guy for when I need a good night's sleep back in the States. However, I haven't looked THAT hard; instead, I have turned to a nice scotch and canada dry to put me out, or maybe a heavy beer. Is this bad? I feel like it's just trading one borderline addiction for another
I just logged in to AIM for the first time in months and realized why I have not logged into it... in months. From top to bottom here´s what I see in the buddy list: bunch of guys from high school (but none of the ones I´m still good friends with)- handful of girls I drunkenly hooked up with and/ or hit on during college- my friends sister- MY sister- my mom- some friends of some ex-girlfriends. I promptly logged out.
So, I feel like the "Doors Close" button in my elevator doesn't express the urgency with which I want the doors to actually close. When I'm running ten minutes late leaving the apartment every second counts- including the 1.5 it takes for the elevator door to shut. I feel like that button should cause the door to slam shut instantly, taking out anything in its path, and launch the elevator into high speed descent.
