Ruminations
"I was so drunk I went into the ladies room because I thought the sign was a dude wearing a kilt." Doesn't quite work with the bouncer at the bar.
6 
It is just as important to have Christmas Eve and New Years Eve off.
I will go 20 minutes out of my way to avoid 5 minutes of traffic.
I realize you've seen the movie a million times and you think it's funny to say every scene to me as it happens on the TV, but if you don't shut your mouth I am going to throw you through the TV.
No matter how big a trash can is, I will always just miss it when throwing things away.
I was just facebook stalking and a friend of mine had two girls talking back and forth on his wall...the last names were fuchs and hancock. I laughed so hard salad dressing came out of my nose.
If he would do anything for love, then why won't he do that?
Why don't they just put a label or some kind of indicator on my stupid socks so I can tell which are black and which are blue.
Does anyone remember when microsoft windows had separate boxes on the screen that actually were like windows?
How did a dim, black and white gameboy ever outsell the brighter, color filled sega game gear?
Why do people take missed birthdays so personally? The only reason I remember in the first place is because of facebook.
75 years ago today prohibition ended...I propose a toast.
So I made the mistake of dialing a guys last 4 digits of his phone number thinking it was his extension...the last four digits were 9112...after I got past the first three digits it started ringing and the operator said, "911 emergency, what's the problem". I hung up and prayed that they didn't call back.
I think it's really funny and pretty sad that the goals of our nation are the same ones from 25 years ago...For instance, alternative fuels, fight global warming, affordable health care for all. It's like the politicians just stalled out after the seventies.
Kids growing up today will never know what a busy signal sounds like, what you use a payphone for, or what it was like before caller ID told you who was on the other line. They will never know the joy of making a prank call to some random number and then being scared to death that they'll "Star 69" you and your parents will find out.
In Ferris Bueller style, I'm laying the foundation for calling out sick tomorrow. I've been pretend coughing and complaining of headaches all day. In reality I'm not even close to sick, but I am going out for happy hour tonight and I know there will be shots.
I know the toilet paper on the roll is clean and unused, but I still can't rip a piece off to use as a tissue to blow my nose.
This sounds about right for my God forsaken life...I get a pimple directly on the tip of my nose, just in time for Rudolph appropriate jokes.
I'm deathly afraid of breaking my mom's back if I do actually step on a crack in the sidewalk.
Who are you fooling old guy with comb over...Those six strands of extremely long hair pushed from one side of your scalp to the other is barely covering anything. You look even sceezier when you put gel in it to make it stick.
Really? A three hour meeting on monday morning to discuss productivity issues! Really??
So I just sent my boss an email with a very minor, yet devastating typo. The email was supposed to say, "Don't start it so soon." But, I sent, "Don't star tits soon." She understood the typo after many follow up apologies, but those were the worst 10 minutes of my life.
Today is my coworker's birthday, but she cheaped out on us and brought a bag of mini snickers instead of cupcakes. Yes it's your birthday and yes everything should be about you, but I want a frackin cupcake.
Teeth whitening is so unnatural looking. I shouldn't see your teeth when the lights are out, you look like a James Bond villain.
Thank god for the mute button on the office phone, otherwise the boss would have heard me yelp when i solved beginner minesweeper in just 4 seconds!
I had 5 cavities the last time I went to the dentist. My first question to the dentist could this of happened because I drink a lot and if so what can I do to prevent it, but still keep drinking?
I wear my suit pants at least 10 times before I dry clean them, but complain about how expensive dry cleaning is. I know, I know, but I figure if I complain enough the boss will give in and then I'll wear my jeans 10 times before I wash them...
Ever look at your watch and then immediately after think to yourself, hmmm what time is it, then look at your watch and realize just how short term your memory and your attention span is?
It is impossible to reclose a pizza box the same way after you open it.
Remember in college when we used to think that after college it would be great because there would be no more homework ever again? I'd much rather deal with homework then have to stay at the office and deal with my bad breath boss until 10:30PM on a Tuesday.
In college my stomach could take anything...beer, hot wings, pizza and waffles all together washed down with gravy and maple syrup. Now, three years later...I had a small chocolate milk two hours before bed and felt like my insides we're melting. I laid down wheezing in bed like a fourteen year old asthmatic school boy.
Have you ever been walking with someone and one of you crosses the street but the other doesn't because the light is about to go green? Isn't that a fun game of waiting and awkwardly avoiding eye contact.
My friends and I are pretty big Linkin Park, Blink 182 and other artists of this genre fans. I also happen to listen to things like Simon and Garfunkel, James Taylor, etc, which my friends don't really know about. I got into the car the other day with my friend and Simon and Garfunkel was blasting and I had to blame it on my mom. I then realized how much of a girly man I was, blaming my favorite music on my mom to look cool...
My employer just gave us privacy screens which blocks out the screen of your computer unless you are directly in front of it. First, these things are pretty good at not letting me see the screen too (awesome) and second, I feel like they've given me an invitation to not do work ever again since no one can see what I'm doing.
What can possibly be organic about organic dish detergent? Does that mean I can't eat it?
If I answer your question with a very quick yes or no and that's it, then it means I don't want to talk to you, stop prodding.
Wireless Internet cards are more unreliable then the Millennium Falcon.
What is the opposite of rebound?
Bound? The stock market bounded today? (went down)? No. Stupid english teachers not educating me well at all.
Does anyone else lick their flavored potato chips before eating them to get the flavor boost?
This just in, oversleeping leads to diabetes, heart disease, and complications resulting in death. So does under sleeping, so unless you're just right, you're screwed.
My boss just commented on a drunk facebook picture of me...that shouldn't be possible.
I feel like I'm always stuck in traffic, why haven't we invented hover cars yet?
An employee of Washington Mutual just asked me to switch my bank account from my current bank to them. Call me crazy, but I'm going to leave my bank account right where it is. Giving my money to WaMu to hold safely would be like giving Trix to the rabbit for safe keeping.
When I was little I used to plant things in my backyard expecting them to grow into trees. For instance, I planted a hot dog once expecting a hot dog tree and a GI Joe expecting a GI Joe tree.
Do I play it safe and get a sandwich? Or do I live on the wild side and get Indian food and spend the next four hours sweating and chugging Pepto?
As my alarm clock buzzes at 6AM Monday morning, I think to myself, "Damn you alarm clock, 24 hours ago I was drunk, eating pizza, and thinking life couldn't be any better."
Anyone else spend hours trying to figure out what profile picture to put up? I sat here forever debating if it was ok, like I was entering some type of online beauty pageant.
Things that should have stayed in the 70's:
Men's knee high socks with the stripes on top.
Men's short short short shorts.
Cher.
Dreadlocks on dudes.
George Bush.
Please feel free to add the ones I've missed.
It's tough being the first of my college buddies to go to work. My friends still stay out drinking all night and then call me on my cell phone the next day to tell me about it. Example: I'm sitting in the quietest room ever with 10 other employees working on something. My buddy calls to tell me he hooked up with this wild girl and starts rattling off disturbing details. Everyone at work looks at me because they can faintly hear everything and then I get embarrassed and turn redder then the kool aid guy.
It's 4 o'clock right now, I'm leaving at 5. I haven't put any work into this day. If I do a solid 15 minutes of work in the next hour, I'll actually go home feeling like I accomplished something today, I think even I'm fooling myself.
Things don't sell like hot cakes...I have never ever once seen somebody sell a hot cake.
I wonder if gourmet will be the new "hot". Like when people say that's hot are they now going to say, oh that's so gourmet!
So I'm staying in a random hotel for work this week. Yesterday as I relaxed in the room watching TV, I started to hear a girl moaning in the room next to me. I immediately hit the mute and listened. It was awesome. Later that day, as I was leaving for dinner two girls walked out of that room.
Do you ever think to yourself that maybe, just maybe I'm capable of doing something so much bigger and better then this job? Then you realize, that it takes work, and though you were willing to put that effort in at the beginning of this post, by now you reverted back to being lazy and thinking at least this job pays the bills?
People of earth, "inbetween" is not a word. A simple "between" will suffice. The "in" makes no sense before between.
Dear Sleep Gods,
Please stop waking me up 1 minute before my alarm clock goes off. That extra minute of sleep means the world to me.
Sincerely,
Exhausted