Ruminations
A pervert is a pervert because he said what everyone else was thinking.
2 
No good can come from an IQ test. Either you prove you're a moron or that you've spent your whole life under achieving.
It has occurred to me that Santa is incompetent and should be replaced. According to just about every Christmas movie Mr. Clause finds himself overwhelmed, or in a jam of some sort and requires the help of a 7-13 yr old child. Often these adventures are dangerous and without parental notification or consent. He is a reckless, scatter brained, derelict only required to work 1 day a year and can’t keep his shit straight. One year he’s not going to get his ass bailed out by some freezing ass, Christmas crazed 4 yr old, leaving us all to suffer.
I am constantly scanning for people I may know whenever I'm in a random airport.
Is it possible to tastefully explain to the whole family over "after church lunch" that you're just hooking up and have no realistic plans of dating without coming right out and sounding like a whoremonger?
Edward Cullen is not real. You will never be "Mrs. Edward Cullen." Deal with it. However, I am real, so...
Is there anything more fucking awkward/funny than drunken drama at a costume party?
Facebook should allow the "it's complicated" status to be set with more than one person... i.e. "It's Complicated between Joe and Mary and Jill." That would be rich!
Despite the fact that they both end in a full blown blood bath, for some reason Christmas parties seem so much more classy than regular parties.
I think that off-white color of the walls in every house I've ever rented should officially be called "Landlord Cream." It is impossible to match that shit when trying to doctor up a scrape down the wall, or say plugging a bullet hole in a door.
Whenever I see a chick's relationship status change on facebook or myspace my first thought is "Target:AQUIRED." Then my second thought is "Why the hell am I talking like a bomber pilot and who am I talking to?"
It's a given, if I miss my exit there will not be a turn around for at least 15 miles and there's a good chance that I'll discover there is no re-entry on at that exit only once I'm on the off ramp.
Pet sitting for someone is a game of high stakes. It takes the perfect formula to avoid disaster yet do as little work as possible. Too much food and you're cleaning up shit and perhaps replacing a rug or two, too little and you're replacing the family show dog... it's nerve wracking.
It has become increasingly obvious to me that my family is more comfortable waiting until the last second and trying to guilt me into do them a favor than just straight up asking me a week in advance to work it into my schedule.
I think parents should speak more sweetly to their kids...however, that's not my kid and he better get off the fucking table before I beat his ass.
Younger siblings are so much worse at getting away with the shit I used to get away with...
How is it that my phone will wake me up on vibrate from two rooms away when it's a drunken booty call, but an assortment of alarms with bells and whistles and gongs won't even cause me to stir when I need to get up for something important?
Sometimes life is very confusing, but even in the darkest hours of life I know I can find comfort in the undeniable fact that 'Shawshank Redemption' is one of the greatest movies, ever.
Condoms are like ultra light cigarettes: none of the pleasure, all the pain.
If that's Milwaukee's best than I will not be visiting Milwaukee anytime soon.
The only thing that sucks worse than your girlfriend telling you she is pregnant is when she tells you it's not yours.
Having a fake Christmas tree is totally half assing it.
Packing your bags to go home after a vacation is like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube.
"I could care less" and "I couldn't care less" are two totally different things. Stop using them interchangeably. It turns your "too cool for school" attitude into a "I didn't go to school" attitude, you ignorant ape.
Whenever a song gets stuck in my head I find myself thinking in tune and tempo with the song, rhyming my thoughts.
How tired I suddenly become is directly proportional to how much work I just found I have to do.
I don't care who you are. You have no idea how much sleep I will need to accomplish whatever it is I might plan to accomplish tomorrow. Yes, I know it's late, I'll go to bed when I'm tired.
Whenever a song's intro doesn't sound anything like the actual song and I sit there for 30 or so seconds racking my brain and it ends up being a classic, for some reason I get frustrated and pissed. It totally ruins the song for me.
Whenever someone is driving poorly infront of me I instictively look at their license plate and assume that everyone from that state is a bad driver.
I don't send out the mass "Happy Thanksgiving!" text... but because many people do, I use this to text under the guise of mass text to hot chicks I haven't talked to in awhile and I'm sure they've deleted or lost my number. Just a little reminder...
It seems to never fail: Whenever I get comfortably situated on the couch with my computer, my coffee is just out of reach.
I used to never watch TV, eat meals or even sit on the couch at my new house... I got a coffee table about a month ago and I seriously eat and sleep while watching TV more than anything else in my life. This coffee table has changed my life.
My truck's turning radius goes from decent to nil the second I roll into a parking garage.
It seems to me when someone says “correct me if I’m wrong…” they really mean “please prompt me to tell you why I am so smart.”
I’ve come to the conclusion that architects in general are either very cruel or very arrogant. Otherwise, there is no other explanation for putting a windowless bathroom mere feet from common areas in a most apartment.
Once I've learned how to turn off my alarm clock in my sleep it's just a clock...and I'm always late.
I think buying her anything with a diamond automatically constitutes at least one attempt at anal.
It totally creeps me out to think about some girl stalking me the way I stalk other girls on facebook and myspace.
For the life of me I cannot figure out why I sit for 12 hours at work and struggle to keep my eyes open, and sure enough… as soon as I get off I’m wired.
Please take note: Answering "Same shit, different day." to the questions "What's up?" or "How are you?" does not make you trendy, hip or cool.
The only thing worse than being too tired to go out when all your friends are out is being absolutely wired when all your friends are too tired to go out.
Getting drunk on a work night is like a blind date. You know it's not a great idea...but you just can't help but wonder where this shit might lead!
I think in a perfectly honest world Stop signs wouldn't say STOP and they wouldn't be a sign. They would be a traffic light that stayed yellow until a police car enter the area, in which case it would switch back to red...
A hypocrite is typically a hypocrite because what they're saying is right.
I feel slightly unpatriotic and unethical looking to buy a house in these hard times. It's literally like: "Wow, super nice house! You two have really kept this thing up well...Oh you've lived here since you were married in '68? Aww...that's cute, and now the bank is foreclosing on you? Only 85 grand? Sweet... have fun in the shelter!"
People are always telling me "You should go back and finish your 4 year degree... once you get it, that's something they can never take away from you." Yeah, well to be honest: I cannot conjure up one solitary hypothetical situation where 'they' would march into my house and rip a liberal arts degree off the wall.. Oh no, better not file a police report. If Starbucks finds out they'll surely fire me for suddenly becoming under qualified!
If Gatorade knew how life saving their beverage could be the morning after it would probably cost $39.99 a bottle.
Whoever said that talk is cheap obviously never went to a therapist.
Nothing is more irritating than a roommate who obsessively locks the door. I understand securing the lock and dead bolt before bed, but dammit woman! I shouldn't have to knock to regain entry after smoking a cigarette!
Is it just me or does it seem like everyone in the corporate world checks their sense of humor at the door...especially HR.
If by chivalry you mean opening her door to be polite and not so you can check out her ass...then oh yeah, that shit is dead.
Whenever a co-worker is absent from work, regardless of the reason, if I have to do any of their work, or catch any heat for something they were responsible for I always get this rediculus image of them sitting in a fold out lawn chair on some corona-commercial beach, under a large umbrella sipping a frozen-mixed drink with a big straw hat and the smuggest, little smile... eww that smile PISSES ME OFF!
If I had known how much work goes into cultivating a plethora of pirated music on ITunes I would have stuck with CD's...
If you say "I liked the book, but I didn't like the ending." I'm assuming you didn't read it.
Whenever I say “that’s not my problem” I get this sudden gut feeling that this person has every intention of making it my problem.