Ruminations
Why is "I'm never coming here again!" a threat? If you're an ass, I hope you never shop at my store again. A better threat would be "I'm coming here every day until you improve!"
6 
Screw smoking and non-smoking sections. We need children and non-children sections.
Just because I'm eating a salad it doesn't mean I'm on a diet. My salad has fried chicken, cheese and 8 kinds of vegetables on it..I'm pretty sure there are more calories here than on your burger.
I remember when being up at 4 AM meant I had a really awesome night. Now it means my infant son had a really shitty one.
I am is pretty sure that the superiority you feel over me because I bought a Mac and you're a "PC" is negated by the fact that you just paid $200 for an upgrade version of software you don't own.
I am officially too old for Randy River. I walked in there the other day and had to look up every t-shirt slogan on urbandictionary.com just to figure out what the hell they meant. And they still weren't funny.
A 12 year old singing about love is the equivalent of a guy singing about having a period. Until you've experienced the real thing, shut the hell up!
If my email dings and I hear it you may as well stop whatever you're doing because the only thing I'm thinking about now is who emailed me. Yes even if we're doing that.
Elmo is 3 and lives by himself. Big Bird is 6 and lives by himself. Gabby is 20 and still lives with her parents. What exactly are you trying to teach us Sesame Street?
Look Hairdresser, doctors get away with running 45 minutes late because they get paid no matter what and I have no hope in hell finding another at short notice. You work in the mall. Next to another hairdresser. Do the math.
Microwaves need the Microsoft paperclip. "Are you SURE you want to put your burrito in for 40 minutes? Don't you mean 40 seconds?"
I didn't realize how much younger my friends were than I until I used 'MacGyver' as a verb and none of them had any idea what I was talking about.
I want to punch people who tell me "Remember, you're eating FOR two, not LIKE two." I'm growing an entire god damned person in here, bitch. If I want to eat a whole pizza by myself, I will!
Why is it that no matter how much money I spend on renovating my bathroom, the next house I visit has a better looking one? I either need way more money or way poorer friends.
Watching a 17 month old learn to walk is hilarious. He's doing great and then suddenly gravity asserts itself and he runs straight into a wall. The he looks at me as if to say "Whoa, the house just tipped!"
